Complex situation and feel devestated.

[Ilovehersomuch]

Been told my daughter wants to go by a male name and male pronouns.

She's mid teens. Diagnosed autistic. And has a history of CSA. And bisexual.

She's always been a tomboy, wears all boys clothes, short hair.
Well I say she was a tomboy, she was pink princess mad until around the time her trauma occoured.

And all this has started since her periods began and she's been developing.

It's very obviously a trauma response to what happened to her and a rejection of her female body and her pain. She doesn't want to be that victim and this is the perfect 'out'.

She also admitted to trying SH.

She is obviously very vunerable and not in a good head space. So I have agreed to the name and pronouns in a tentative been to show her support and not alienate her and push her away.

She also has ALOT of LGBTQ/trans/NB friends at school.

The SEN coordinator said there is a 'pandemic' of children going through this in the school and wider school community.

And agreed that this is trauma response.

I can't tell her no but it's absolutely killing me to do this. I've changed her name in my phone but just saying HE feels so wrong.

I feel like I'm mourning my daughter and the past has risen again and I feel lost.

I love her so much :(

I’m so sorry, I don’t have any experience to offer, but hope maybe you get some responses that help.

Sending sympathy, this must be so hard.

I'm so sorry. Your DD sounds very much like mine in terms of history, and I am incredibly aware that it's just luck that stopped her pursuing a similar path to yours.

You haven't lost her, whatever happens. She is still your beautiful, lovely daughter. I would tell her that you'll use her new name but not pronouns (because it's all rubbish).

Do you think she might be open to reading about trauma and transition as a result of sexual trauma? Or is she completely closed off to that, because its all too close, right now?

Also she has an eating disorder.

I don't know if I would be able to present this as what I believe it is, to her directly. I think she would see it as an attack and lack of support.

When you're a teen you think you know everything and parents advice is never well recieved is it.

I'm so sorry that you are all going through this. Has your daughter had specialist help with the sa? If not, then please access specialist counselling for her as soon as you can, but of course be careful of who you choose as a therapist.

This is going to sound bad, but is there any way you could lead her to the realisation herself by gently questioning?

No, i get that right now she will see anything other that unconditional acceptance as an attack. Maybe frame it as, we'll use your new name, you dress how you choose, but not drugs or surgery until you are an adult.

When my DD was self-harming, I would check her bag and her room regularly for blades, and tablets. It was frankly, a fucking awful time. I'm afraid I would be checking for dodgy testosterone tablets /injectables as well.

We've been waiting 18 months since disclosure. I'm not even sure she's ready of we got an appointment.

If you can possibly afford to pay for therapy privately, then that would probably be the best route to go down, I'm not sure that NHS treatment won't be "affirming" and not actually deal with the core issue.

You are very much not alone. There are thousands of parents in similar situations. If you are looking for contact with some of them, you can find them in Bayswater Support.

The name and pronouns are very difficult for many parents. Some try to avoid using third person pronouns altogether, with varying degrees of success. I eventually came to the conclusion that I can't lie to, or about, my son every time I mention him - but he is adult and we can (in normal circumstances) discuss anything. When someone gets sucked into this ideology it is not normal circumstances, and I can only suggest trying to demonstrate and say that you love her, asking gentle questions, and trying to encourage healthy activity rather than her spending hours on Reddit, Discord and all the other places where she will be encouraged down the trans path.

Here you are OP - there's now some excellent support for parents caught up in this nightmare with their children - especially mentally vulnerable daughters. Links below.

You might want to share the transgender trend article with your daughter's school? Schools socially transitioning children is not a neutral act and while I completely understand the problems, all adults need to be a bit more sceptical and help parents put boundaries around this, rather than leave the teenagers to take the lead. Bayswater have been a massive source of support to parents and SSA have lots of advice re schools.

One thing to aim for is to try to focus on all the other aspects of your daughter's life. Actively check what she's doing online - there are some very dodgy influences out there and get her away from online as far as possible. Do as much as is possible with her. Shopping, trips out, watch a film together, walk the dog, encourage hobbies. Everything that brings her back to normal life and encourages her to see herself as a family member, daughter, sister, friend, swimmer, dancer etc. Take the attention away from self absorption and onto external situations / relationships.

She's not trans - she's unhappy and mentally vulnerable. Good luck.

https://www.transgendertrend.com/teenager-says-theyre-transgender/

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

https://safeschoolsallianceuk.net/

What is your personal life situation? My DS is preteen and reading accounts on here and other places of how this is affecting families, I have decided to keep what I think of as an escape fund in my bank account. It's earmarked for any future point where I need to rescue him from going down a bad route. Whether it's gender ideology, mixing with bad friends, abusing alcohol/drugs, etc. If something like that happens, I'm basically going to pull him from his normal life and go travelling with him for a few months. Specifically to places he'd love to go to. Then just spend lots of time one on one together, doing fulfilling, distracting activities in the hope of it breaking whatever spell he's fallen under. I have the 'benefit' of having an only child though, so I know it would be easier for me than for others.

Wondering if this book might be helpful for you OP?:

https://www.whsmith.co.uk/products/is-my-child-trans-a-guide-for-parents/stella-omalley/sasha-ayad/paperback/9781800752641.html

(It's on Amazon too)

You CAN absolutely tell her no! Fight back.

Im
so sorry OP. Some excellent sources of help posted above. Just wanted to send a hug and say you’re not alone and you’re not wrong to feel this way 💐

You know, she clearly has a lot of really big, complex issues right now. I would go along with the change. If you don’t, you run the risk of it being a barrier to helping her sort out the rest of her issues.

You were always going to get opinions of one particular persuasion from Mumsnet, but I would highly recommend continuing to listen to and support your child. It sounds like you've handled it really well so far, and it's also totally fine to find it difficult and upsetting and express this privately to people you trust who are not your child.

Be happy and proud that you've created the kind of relationship where they feel able to approach you with this. Their health, happiness and your relationship are far more important than what name or pronouns they use. Think back to before they were born - if someone said "do you want a boy or a girl" you would have said "I don't mind as long as they are healthy". Same thing now - so love, support and care are the most important things to give.

Sounds like you're navigating this sensitively and with care and empathy.

OP, I'm so very sorry. It sounds like your DD has had a very difficult time, and I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to watch her go through it all.

There are some helpful groups linked upthread.

I wanted to just note that it's very important to 'put your own oxygen mask on first' in this situation. What support for yourself do you have in place? Who do you have that you can rant to/unload with? It's absolutely vital to consider how to look after your own needs and wellbeing, which are too easily forgotten.

Other suggestions for helping your daughter are active listening, taking her out for one-to-one time, keeping that connection going and channels open, which I'm sure you know already.

https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/parent-teen-relationship

And this may also be relevant:

https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/mom-discovers-child-has-been-sexually-abused-what-now

I'm sorry but no. I'm not going along with this to support her. I'm going along with it to keep her safe. For now.

I absolutely do NOT support this. I absolutely will not refer to her as my son. She is my daughter and I will NOT allow her to go down this path of mutilation and destruction.

I'm calling her the male name for now to appease her whilst I set up my battle plan.

I'm also taking this up with school who I believe have been transitioning her without my knowledge or permission.

It is hard when there is trauma or they seem unhappy.

FWIW, my nephew came out as trans about 3 years ago, also on autism spectrum - he's just turned 18 and has changed his name officially to a male one. He has no interest as far as I can tell in medical intervention (and other people I know with trans kids on the spectrum say that's quite common with this cohort) and has genuinely seemed happier and more confident since socially transitioning, has a good circle of friends, not sure any of them are tras, funnily enough.

Has your child had any therapy specifically addressing the trauma? It seems to me it would be wise to keep exploring it if at all possible, while also respecting his pronouns to he stays open to you?

That's very serious OP. Only the courts can remove parental rights and socially transitioning your child without your consent does precisely that. There are a number of parents on here who have had to tackle their child's school for stepping over that line.

Hopefully the Transgender Trend article linked above is useful for sharing with the school and getting them to understand how dangerous their actions are for your daughter.

Also, OP, it's obviously entirely up to you what bloody pronouns you choose to use for your own child. I wouldn't listen to anyone trying to hustle you one way or another. You should be getting support, nothing else.

Can you facilitate counselling sessions or art therapy

I'm glad that the SEN coordinator has what seems like a balanced and realistic response. I was once in a situation that was somewhat similar but also very different. A family member with psychosis who communicated feelings of being transgender - out of the blue as far as I was concerned, and at a time when the psychosis had not yet been diagnosed.
I found that I was riding two horses, trying to 'be there' for the person's feelings of being transgender but also profoundly aware that what they primarily needed was mental health support. It was an agonising, desperate and exhausting time. I know you will be feeling stretched thin to the point of tearing into pieces. I can also see that you will be acting in your childs best interests in whatever course of action you take. Have faith in yourself, and also be kind to yourself. xxx