My 13 year old says she is trans. How do I deal with this?

[ProfessorInkling]

It's been a slow burn for the last 18 months or so, since puberty really took off.

I don't know where to even begin to try and explain her earlier years and how we got here because she used to be interested in my views of the world, as kids tend to be of course.

She's always been such a girls girl - not stereotypically girly in any way but in touch with her identity as female, looking for and to female role models BECAUSE of their sex, Mary Anning, Rosa Parks, flipping Artemis Athena Cleopatra, and on and on...

NOW it's all 'I feel like a boy' and 'top surgery will be everything' 'why can't you use he/him pronouns for me'....

How do I deal with this?

So far I have tried listening, reasoning, and reassuring her that while she is free to express herself in any way she likes (boys shoes, clothes, short hair at the moment) I cannot deny her biological reality blah blah blah... but am I going to lose her this way?

If it's a phase I can do nothing of course but every day she seems further from me and more entranced with the idea that she can 'become' a boy.

No diagnosis but have always wondered ASD/ADHD.

There is a wonderful young detransitioner in her twenties who now has to live with chronic pain as well as sterility, because of the testosterone.

Yes, so sad. :(

I like RealityFan, he's been here for a long time.

OP, I think your dd is trying to distance herself from the child who allows followed mummy. This is a necessary phase but such a horrible thing to choose.

I'm not sure what I would say to a young person that age who told me they were, or might be, transgender. Two things come to mind though:

Firstly, would it be helpful to provide a wider range of perspectives on the matter? I know this is difficult because the public debate is so polarised but it might help your child to see some different viewpoints. For that reason, I think it's more helpful to encourage kids to develop critical thinking skills rather than censor what they see on the internet (other than the obviously harmful).

Secondly, is there a non-patronising way to suggest that it takes a very long time for people to figure out who they really are and how they want to live. Rushing to judgement and doing things that may be difficult to reverse can limit someone's options in the future. I know that message isn't likely to be well received but maybe it could be couched in a positive way?

My DD went through this yr 8 to yr 9, then was shown the light by some random tick-tok account.

I took this approach from the beginning:

I would show her the many detransition stories on YouTube.

Have only read your first post. My daughter says this. It's so much in the culture. She is also ASD. I just say she can be what she likes but I wouldn't recommend top surgery as it's very painful, expensive and she can't have it till an adult (don't know if that's true). Am pretty sure this period will pass. Would definitely NOT get into a gender critical discussion about it. At the end of the day, there are arguments on both sides and you don't want to ruin your relationship with your kid over it.

Are there arguments on both sides? In favour of transitioning children?
I reckon there are zero arguments in favour of puberty blockers, double mastectomies, orchiectomy or even affirmation for children.
It's a regressive approach to child development and child safeguarding where we've handed over power and influence to groups of deeply dangerous adults who are determined that the normal process of child development must be sabotaged in favour of promoting aspects of an adult ideology and niche sexual beliefs to children.

Not criticising your approach to your daughter @rantinglunatic . Just questioning the idea that we shouldn't challenge our kids when their future safety, fertility, sexual lives are being compromised by an ideology. Sometimes parents have to establish boundaries and I reckon this is one of those instances.

What is creepy about a man posting? I'm all for it. We need more men to be feminists.

My advice (yes, as a man, yes, as a non parent). Keep talking, keep questioning, keep interrogating. Impress upon her the enormity and irreversibility of all this. Have your arguments honed and your facts rehearsed.

I would second this. But I would also caveat it with "really slowly and in short, isolated bursts. Interspersed with different topics. Using little things as a way in e.g. when news breaks about a particular sport banning transwomen".

I've been having the conversation very slowly with my own gender-confused, 14-year old, autistic daughter. We're a year in to it now and it's still slowly rumbling on. It's difficult to know what choices she'll make when she's older but for me, the most important thing is that we keep talking. She shares way more with me than I ever did with my mum about her feelings and concerns around puberty. I was too embarrassed as a teenager. I always thought I'd be shit at this kind of thing as a parent. I don't always get it right but I'm taking the approach that she knows my views (that I don't believe in gender identity) but I'm clear that I won't push my views on to her as an absolute truth. However, I'm making sure she understands that sex and gender (identity) are not the same thing. That one is biology and the other is a belief in a feeling of an inner gendered soul. That's not me pushing my agenda on her. That's me arming her with some guardrails within which to do her own critical thinking. We've not banned her from social media, and nor do I ever hope/expect to, but instead I talk to her about what's happening in this whole arena. Sometimes she gets pissed off with her and I have to button it. But we keep an open dialogue.
The book that really helped me understand what she might be going through was Sue and Marcus Evans' book on gender dysphoria therapy. The intro is written by David Bell from the Tavistock and is in very "psychotherapy" style language but the rest of the book is very accessible to non-experts like me.
Also I helped her to address her puberty distress through the autism lens e.g. sports bras to hold her breasts down because she doesn't like the feel of them, the pill to stop her periods because she finds them traumatic. The key thing in all of this for me is that we don't do anything that "identifies her out" of being a girl while she gets her head around it all.

I would explain that some kids feel this way if they don't conform to artificial gender stereotypes types or if they are gay. They see it as an easier simplistic way. But life is not black and white and mostly grey. I would also explain the importance of just being yourself and accepting yourself and your body. Explain that it's not simply possible to change sex as biological differences are far more entrenched than external private parts and sexual organs. I would explain how surgery can only ever scratch the surface and it can make some people feel better but that others don't and that it certainly is not a quick fix or the solution to all her problems. I would also talk about teenage brain development, the tendency to see things in black and white and how teenagers can often be prone to emotional responses as their brain reorganises itself. For those reasons I would explain that it's your duty to help guide her through what can be a difficult and confusing few years. After that, tell her that once she reaches a certain age (18 perhaps) you will support her decisions. Basically appear as though you are supportive in the long term, but that she is too young to transition now.

All very sensible.
These are exactly the kind of things I talk about with my daughter. Just over a very long time period and in small bite-size chunks.

No I agree all that child transitioning stuff does seem mad, though I am no expert on the subject, I meant really that it's probably not a good idea to get into the argument about whether feeling trans is 'real' and valid or not, So in dealing with kids probably best just to say that feeling trans sounds like a valid feeling but can't support child doing anything till you are an adult. I haven't read full thread so may not be what is being discussed here. I do have experience of trans feelings (not my own) being denied and that causing huge psychological damage and a sense of invalidation so there are dangers on both sides.

Thanks for coming back and I agree with the "pick your battles" approach.

The levels of social contagion amongst children / teenagers is currently off the scale and these children are involved in a mass psychological & medical experiment, often carried out by the very people who should protect them. - teachers, medics etc. They would protect those suffering from mental illnesses like eating disorders, self harm or suicide ideation. But mentally fragile children who think they're born in the wrong body and it's possible to change sex, have been thrown to the wolves - to the self interested trans activist groups.
This clinical psychologist writing for Transgender Trend explains the damage that's being done to these young people far better than I can:

https://www.transgendertrend.com/teenager-says-theyre-transgender/

DO

Active listening and ask her questions about how she's feeling. Tell her explicitly that she is important to you and therefore her feelings are important to you. Her feelings are real but that you won't necessarily agree with conclusions she may have come to about what her feelings mean.

Tell her that the point of her clothes are to make her feel as happy and comfortable as possible and therefore experimenting with different styles is totally reasonable and an appropriate stage of teenage development but you're drawing the line at

neon green hair/ shaved hair/ piercing anywhere other than ear lobes / tattoos (the actual boundary doesn't matter so much as there is one) as it's your job as a parent to stop her doing anything permanent she might regret later.

Tell her that you appreciate why she might worry but whilst that is a way some grown ups feel (and it sounds horrible to feel that way) no child is ACTUALLY born in the wrong body, and therefore you can state with absolute and unshakable certainty that her body is her body and both her personality and body are perfect just as they are. Almost everyone is at least a bit freaked out by their changing body during adolescence and almost everyone grows out of it.

/vent here, be calm and nonchalant with her.

When my little one watched the Barbie movie she decided she was "Kenough", I've kind of embraced it and just agree and after agreeing a half a dozen times I said something like "you might not believe me right now but one day you'll see you're just as Barbie as you need to be too"