My 13 year old says she is trans. How do I deal with this?

[ProfessorInkling]

It's been a slow burn for the last 18 months or so, since puberty really took off.

I don't know where to even begin to try and explain her earlier years and how we got here because she used to be interested in my views of the world, as kids tend to be of course.

She's always been such a girls girl - not stereotypically girly in any way but in touch with her identity as female, looking for and to female role models BECAUSE of their sex, Mary Anning, Rosa Parks, flipping Artemis Athena Cleopatra, and on and on...

NOW it's all 'I feel like a boy' and 'top surgery will be everything' 'why can't you use he/him pronouns for me'....

How do I deal with this?

So far I have tried listening, reasoning, and reassuring her that while she is free to express herself in any way she likes (boys shoes, clothes, short hair at the moment) I cannot deny her biological reality blah blah blah... but am I going to lose her this way?

If it's a phase I can do nothing of course but every day she seems further from me and more entranced with the idea that she can 'become' a boy.

No diagnosis but have always wondered ASD/ADHD.

You are a great mum, don't lose sight of that ever. I know you might be doubting that right now. And now you have two fears...she jumps all in...or even if she doesn't, your relationship is never the same again.

I really feel for you.

I'll let the OT tell me to bugger off.

Perhaps? But I thought it was good sound advice. My ASD Dd has been hovering around this for a year now. I'm in Scotland, where its batshit crazy, & it's a scary place to be.

Yes my nieces and nephews (all teenagers under 16) live in my home town and just roll their eyes if the subject of trans comes up. They couldn't give a shit. I don't know if that's a northern thing or a " trans is soooo last year thing". Either way, it's refreshing!

'The confidence of a non-parent male to come on here “as a man, as a non-parent” and offer advice! You couldn’t make it up.'

That's completely unfair. His advice was perfectly reasonable and he wasn't being arrogant about it. I'm a woman, but I'm not a parent, I still gave the OP advice and I stand by it.

Thanks, I'm contributing simply to offer my support, and heartfelt suggestions.

Premature menopause and dementia, osteoporosis in one’s 20s, increased risks of heart disease and cancer, and likely sterility, alongside avoiding teaching the life skills of critical thinking and falling prey to misogynist and homophobic cultural brainwashing ——— is not supporting a child and it never will be.

Would it be worth showing her the posts from the AMA thread where the TW agreed that to believe they weren't a man depended on them believing there were essentially two types of personality ("male mind" and "female mind") which correspond to the two sexes except for trans people? Etc...

See if she thinks it's a reasonable thing to believe, or a bunch of awful stereotypes.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/AMA/4920152-hello-im-a-tra-ask-me-anything?reply=130072961

It’s a social contagion. Limit her access to the internet for that reason. She will be getting a LOT of this from on there and being subtly groomed by those who have an interest in pushing her be trans and validating her. That’s the nature of social contagion. Talk her school too. Find out what they have be teaching. Fined out about her friendship group. Is it just her or others? Again, social contagion can never be underestimated with all this trans stuff. Kids just want to feel accepted and trendy. Trans is tha new goth and emo. Only neither of those end up with surgery and taking irreversable medication. Tread lightly but firmly. You are in charge. Not her.

Creepy that you’re here. But men do love to invade female spaces so…

Stop trying to police who can and can't post @LunaandLily , that's creepy.

I do think it is going out of fashion now. Will be replaced with the next body rejection thing. Just so sad because these fads always seem to affect girls more than boys (anorexia and this gender rubbish) when they should be focussing on their education, learning about the world and how they are going to thrive. I am so over it now. It is not kind. Far from it.

Gillypie23 · Today 10:43
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I think you should support her. Do some research how to support her, going forward if she wants to transition. Don't inflict your opinions. You could push her away if you are against.

This. I firmly believe that a woman can never become a man and vice versa. No way though would I allow my opinion to get in the way of my relationships with my kids.

For what it's worth, I don't think the advice to look outside yourself now and again is bad or wrong. The amount of time kids spend obsessing about the exact contours of their personal feelings and identity is concerning.

But that’s not an opinion. That is just a fact. And by inflicting your opinion you are protecting her. And that’s a parents job. To protect their kids.

'Yes my nieces and nephews (all teenagers under 16) live in my home town and just roll their eyes if the subject of trans comes up. They couldn't give a shit'

That's so good to hear

OP, yes it is boring navel gazing but that's what teenagers do! I think it's unfair and unrealistic to compare her life with the lives of youngsters in Gaza and for her to suddenly become grateful for what she has. I do understand your frustration but as another poster said, I think giving this issue as little oxygen as possible is the way forward

Sounds v tough, OP. Do you think its her way of rebelling against you, given your background?

In our day the rebels were punks or goths .

One of my DDs refers to her friends as 'they'. Does my head in but teens are hardwired to take more notice of peers than parents or teachers.

Agree. The poster gave a supportive, helpful opinion. WTF does it matter what sex they are? Why do we have to exclude? It really pisses me off.

My eldest went through this at 14 before the trans became a thing. "I want to be a boy," I said "You've got two XX chomosomes, you can add bits chop bits off and you will still biologically be a woman."
She didn't like it one little bit and wouldn't speak to me for ages. She's now married to her dh with a child and still very much a woman. She told me she hated having breasts and periods, that's why she wanted to be a boy. I get that, but thankfully she came out the otherside.

FFS, A non parent should have an opinion?? Get over yourself, Reality makes valid points in his post. Who put you in charge of who posts? If it bothers you that much report his posts.

Look at Bayswater Support, Transgender Trend.

My three are older and didn’t have to deal with this nonsense at school, although two of them, who have spent many years at Uni, are firm believers and I nearly lost contact with one son over my ‘bigoted ideas’.

Please let this be losing its kudos in schools. This is where the rot needs to stop, at the source of innocent victims (along with indoctrination in civil service/NHS).

Been there. DD now 17 and less adamant but is work in progress. Also has ADHD.

Happy to answer questions but for us it was about:
Finding a non-affirmative therapist for 2 years (worth every penny but hard to find)
Refusing any name or pronoun changes at school (Hard work but we won)
Getting the ADHD diagnosis so that there is another reason for being 'different'
Refusing to change names or pronouns at home.

The best source of support are Bayswater, who have a great online message board which really helped for the first six or nine months; and also doing a couple of therapy sessions ourselves with a non-affirmative person. This gave us 'permission' from a specialist to do what we did.

The ASD aspect could be a thing here. Social conventions and nuance can be very difficult for people with asd, so I think this can relate to gender ideology. Like if your daughter doesn’t feel “girly” in a quite black and white view of what is and isn’t a girl, then she might presume she is a boy and that means trans. Whereas actually, not all teen girls want to wear make up and body con dresses and that’s ok but it doesn’t make them a boy.

Perhaps worth thinking about through this lens or if dd is really unhappy, thinking about a counsellor with asd expertise who can help them with how they are feeling and get them through puberty.

My thought to the OT, who is refreshingly realistic about all this, is she knows how she feels, and is fully in touch with reality.

She knows this movement is cult, misogynistic, anti child protection, and if followed thru medically, irreversible and life changing.

She knows all these things, and she knows by definition her daughter doesn't.

Yes, mum knows best. Never was a phrase so accurate.

And she surely has to act in accordance with that. It's almost a first principles ethical situation. First principles are you act according to physical reality, the ethos of "first, do no harm". Everything flows from First Principles.

An older daughter away from the family home can choose to ruin their life in a cult, I'd expect a mum to work hard to extract the daughter. But a teen expressing the ultimate self harm intentions? Mum must stand her ground. We don't allow a child to voluntarily starve without intervention.

I don't think the OT could contemplate unlearning everything she has learnt in life, knowing her daughter is victim to social contagion. Fretting about whether to allow your kid to do a dangerous sport or go travelling is one thing, this is very much another.