My 13 year old says she is trans. How do I deal with this?

[ProfessorInkling]

It's been a slow burn for the last 18 months or so, since puberty really took off.

I don't know where to even begin to try and explain her earlier years and how we got here because she used to be interested in my views of the world, as kids tend to be of course.

She's always been such a girls girl - not stereotypically girly in any way but in touch with her identity as female, looking for and to female role models BECAUSE of their sex, Mary Anning, Rosa Parks, flipping Artemis Athena Cleopatra, and on and on...

NOW it's all 'I feel like a boy' and 'top surgery will be everything' 'why can't you use he/him pronouns for me'....

How do I deal with this?

So far I have tried listening, reasoning, and reassuring her that while she is free to express herself in any way she likes (boys shoes, clothes, short hair at the moment) I cannot deny her biological reality blah blah blah... but am I going to lose her this way?

If it's a phase I can do nothing of course but every day she seems further from me and more entranced with the idea that she can 'become' a boy.

No diagnosis but have always wondered ASD/ADHD.

I'm exactly the same as you. I can be 99.9 sure that it won't be an issue here but I'd take exactly the same stance.

My own teenagers think the whole thing is ridiculous. I do wonder if we didn't have social media and the internet..would this have all blown up in the same way? It's definitely not as prevalent in my kids school as it would appear it is when you go on Tilktok.

This is very wise advice. It’s probably not possible to go completely off grid but in your position I would get her really busy. Climbing, hiking, kayaking, travel. Join her up to scouts. And cadets. Etc. I know it’s a lot of money but can you go away for a summer? Open her eyes a bit to the world.

If you think that there is a possibility that she’s neurodiverse I think that you should speak to school about that, discuss it with her, and consider going for an assessment.

I’d also consider the possibility that she’s lesbian and just not yet quite understood/accepted it yet. So I’d gradually introduce some positive lesbian influences into tv / books / films etc . Get tickets to see lesbian comics or musicians.

I'm getting the sense there are two types of thing going on when a girl says she is trans.
1- I don't want to be physically female, because periods, boobs, sexual attention, hyper focus on young women's bodies everywhere.

2- I, or others, think female body is in some way linked to your personality/mind etc and I don't have "that" kind of personality/mind so it's wrong for me to indicate that I do by having a female body.

Is it worth trying to tease out how much of each is at play here?

I also think there might be a bit of
3 - Boys/men are the default humans and women are fascinating "others" that have to constantly prove themselves, and I just want to be left alone.

I think a factor in this is the level of self absorption encouraged by social media. Endless self analysis of feelings and little activity/ distraction in physical activity, hobbies etc.
Thankfully my dc are well out of their teens, but the youngest, who has HF autism, would absolutely have been captured if they were younger. I agree that Bayswater and TGT are good for advice.

Omg. I have no idea how that gif got in there. So sorry.

That’s unfair to @RealityFan, who’s been a thoughtful and supportive poster on FWR for a long time.

I would give it much less attention. It sounds like a phase. The more you come down on it the more she will rebel. She needs space to row back in the future.

What is she looking at on SM? Keep an eye on that.

My daughter...ADHD...maybe ASD... definitely has phases/obsessions/fads of all sorts of things...my response is "oh, okay" !

Appreciate the support. But I genuinely don't want this to deflect from the OT.

I had this with my DD a little younger. I was completely supportive of her where she was at, she had very bad dysphoria about her changing body, she had serious issues with being female and wanted to be male. That was how she felt and I had huge empathy and understanding for that. We did some things that went with that but within limits. We used a gender neutral nickname but never used pronouns around her so she didn’t have to be affected by the offence that would cause.

Over time I spoke to her about my own beliefs, that to change sex is impossible but that these days people were going down the line of surgery, hormones and other things to change their appearance. I explained we would not support her to do that underage but would absolutely support her if they were her choices as an adult. I spoke about her having to come to terms with her body at some stage and the very serious consequences of telling your mind day in and day out that there was something wrong with your body that the mind operates on patterns and if these patterns are very deeply engrained no amount of surgery will be able to correct the patterns of thinking. The other thing I did was spend huge amounts of time and energy and effort helping her to develop her own personal identity giving her tonnes of attention and affection. Over time the dysphoria dropped off as she got used to the changes in her body, she started to develop as an independent individual and she became much more comfortable with herself as a person and the trans stuff just silently fell away. She is doing amazing now and is very comfortable with who she is as a female. I take nothing for granted with her and focus on her personhood as much as possible.

I don't know, I'm very middle-upper-middle class and I see feminism as something that's usually (of course not always) something more educated people tend towards, so it tends to be more middle-upper class. But of course common sense is associated with being working class and that's a factor here!

I'm dreading this happening with my son when he's older

It's so difficult because of course a teenager is going to do all they can to oppose their parents. Research seems to show most people do grow up to embrace their parents' general political stances, though, so perhaps a broadly tolerant approach, not arguing directly with her, but finding points of agreement and showing empathy while introducing different angles might help.

For example, empathising with attitudes towards oppressive gender constructs and finding out about your daughter's own feelings and experiences individual to her, as this might mean you can build shared understanding around this so as to introduce possible ways if approaching the issues that don't involve surgery.

@Biasquia ❤️ great post

This article is in the Daily Mail today. Perhaps you could get your daughter to read it - if you think it's appropriate, of course.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12623643/Being-trans-non-binary-new-sub-culture-risk-raising-nation-chemically-castrated-children-Doctor-spent-12-years-working-vulnerable-teens-Tavistock-warns-gender-ideology.html

That sounds incredibly difficult but absolutely wonderful how you approached and managed it.

Don't be so ridiculous 🙄. I thought his advice was good. But iyo, because he's a man, he shouldn't have any opinion about it?

I suppose you also think there shouldn't be any male obstetricians or male experts on the menopause? Because there are plenty of both believe it or not.

I am no expert op but have raised teen daughters. I don’t wish to sound harsh because we all lose our tempers and become exasperated, but you are not going to connect with her by throwing magazines at her and showing her your self harm scars. That is going to make her run towards her “understanding” friends and distance herself from you. You need to be her safe place! A calm voice of reason and understanding in among the mental turmoil.

You are massively anxious about this. I get it. I really do! Your mind is racing ahead to mastectomies and hormone treatment and you are panicking. But you have time. You need to step back and take a breath and almost set the trans issue to one side, and treat her as you would any insecure teen.

She needs your reassurance that she is normal and that she is loved by you fully no matter what.

Contrary to what you said, feeling uncomfortable, about your growing breasts IS a really really big issue for your dd. Honestly, you can’t expect a teen to
me more interested in the problems in Gaza than in her developing body! That’s your mature perspective speaking! Meanwhile she is just plain scared!

You obviously went through hard times when young and I remember feeling horrified by my growing body to the extent that I stopped eating for a while. It’s a really hard transition from child to adult and you really need to be sympathetic to her anxieties and worry.

The best thing you can do is just keep talking to her as you are, emphasise that you love who she is, that you are there for her whatever, that you disagree that you can improve on nature, that she is normal, that many teens feel uncomfortable with their new bodies, that you understand her disquiet, that she needs to give this time to find out who she is because at 13 she may yet change her mind several times, that there’s no rush etc etc, no need to put pressure on herself etc etc.

Also that we all have a tendency to think “ everything will be fine once we “have that nose job/lose 10 kgs/have top surgery” when we need to work on acceptance of ourselves and all our “imperfections” as we see them, in the here and now!

And then just act as a bloody good role model. Calm, cheerful, purposeful. Model self care. Take up hobbies that bring you joy and encourage her to do the same to get her out of her own head. And take her away if you can on adventure holidays/mini breaks found something totally out of her comfort zone where she can’t focus on herself so much.

You sound like a great mum and I hope things work out for you both x

We have been here. Very hard times. Here is what we did:
Tried to limit social media as there is an online network promoting this ideology to the vulnerable.
Listened but also explained that puberty was hard for everyone.
Asked her to wait and see how she felt when older.
Spoke a lot to school to prevent the social transitioning they were promoting.
The absolute best advice was from a psychiatrist who I met who works with gender dysphoria in teens and was involved in the cass review:
Double down on your relationship. Love her. Keep her busy and active.
My dd has come out the other side and is a girly teen who hasn't looked back. It was a dark time though.

I wouldn't indulge her at all with this nonsense.

I'd be interested to see what school is feeding her and believe many schools have a lot to answer for with this. Also social media, the internet is a cesspit.

If she were my daughter, it'd be a case of telling her she's a girl and she needs to deal with it.

Too much compassion is a vice.

Very similar story. At the beginning, we were lost and we let her change her name, pronouns at home. Luckily not at school (her school is quite sensible from this point of view). We bought her a binder. We gradually reverted some steps once we got better information ( mainly Genspect) so we're back with female pronouns. We explained we want to keep the space open for her until she's an adult. She stopped using the binder and her position has gradually softened. We're not out of the woods yet but we're optimistic. I agree on doubling down on the relationship. We avoid talking about the trans wider topic, and we talk only when she raises the issue. Me and my DH looked for psychological support because our anxiety was getting in the way. We suspect very mild ASD. Additionally/linked to that, she has lots of anxiety related to school and had friendships issue. Our unconditional support for these problems has helped her perceive our love.

I may be wrong but i think social media plays a big part in brain washing.
Growing up with online and outside people telling our children they can be what they want be yes to a limit.
But wanting to be cats - dogs- none genders all that crap is to far.
I understand that some have been born in to the wrong body and become who they really are but they dont make a big deal out of it and they wait to make sure its really what they want.

At least your not one of them parents that is forcing it on her.
You are doing your best.

My autistic DD had a few thoughts around this. I said to her that I thought she had watched some videos on YouTube that had made her think her really normal feelings about her body meant something that they didn't and this made sense to her. Another time I also explained that medical transition is irreversible because I think a lot of children think you can just go back any time. I changed her YouTube settings to child filters (she had been using an adult account) and she desisted quite quickly which I feel very lucky and thankful for.

@Biasquia fantastic response. Hasn’t happened to me so I don’t know how I would respond if it were my own child but I do know 4 children of friends who have transitioned.

Where the children were older teens/young adults the parents have chosen to embrace their new daughters and son’s identity and that has worked out very well for them. It’s difficult to see they had any other option than lose their children forever.

In the case of a child who ‘came out’ at 13 the parents have also kept an open mind and he is now living as a 15 year old boy. Except he’s not really as he has breasts and periods and isn’t receiving any hormone medication because he’s too young or puberty blockers because it’s too late for that. All it is is that he’s taken a boys name and personal pronouns and will not be eligible for surgery until 18 anyway, and actually even then some chose not to. Again, I really don’t see the parents had a choice, other than to alienate him still further and instead they have diverted their energies to helping him with other more usual teenage issues which I won’t go into here. My own children have grown up alongside this and happily accept the change in their friends and at the same time they are secure in their own gender identities from birth.

There is absolutely no doubt social media has played a role in all of this because SM connects people. But SM is now part of our collective reality like it or not. It’s nigh on impossible to escape other than by binning your wireless router and mobile phone and that would only cause you child to resent you. And anyway, would you really want to?

I would urge you to acknowledge the way your daughter is feeling and allow her to express herself as she sees fit. It may be a phase, it may not.

It’s also illegal to descriminate. From Wikipedia, ’Anti-discrimination measures protecting transgender people have existed in the UK since 1999, and were strengthened in the 2000s to include anti-harassment wording. Later in 2010, gender reassignment was included as a protected characteristic in the Equality Act.’

so, there you go.

**
But that’s not an opinion. That is just a fact. And by inflicting your opinion you are protecting her. And that’s a parents job. To protect their kids.

Also a parent’s job to teach their kids to think for themselves, trust their instincts and have faith in themselves. Ultimately though, it’s about supporting them in their choices though, whether you agree with them or not.

13 is far too young to make any lifelong decisions but if she still feels the same way at 18 that’s entirely her decision. Given the choice of cutting them off and dismissing their feelings I’d keep my opinions to myself. A good, loving and supportive relationship is way more important than ideologies.

So many families were torn apart when being gay was viewed as equally taboo. Would be terrible not to learn anything from that.

My DD2 definitely flirted with the idea of trans when in year 6. We discussed the issue quite a bit starting before she brought it up.
She is definitely not particularly girly and had short hair (her choice) at the time so I had an inkling she may be vulnerable to the ideology. I was a very much a tomboy when I young too and she is very much like me.
However, now she's 14 and whilst she's accepting of others, she does roll her eyes at most of the trans stuff.

Mostly, I've just been gently challenging certain beliefs. The issue in sports is an easy one as the evidence is quite overwhelming. Puberty blockers and use of binders is another easy one to contend.

My degree is biology and I've done my research in this area so I think both my girls have had to accept that I may know more than some random person online.

However, I am careful to stress that I believe for some people, the right move to alleviate their gender dysphoria is to transition.
So, after that waffle, what I'm saying is to talk and gently challenge their thinking. If you go in too hard, it just puts their back up. Once you break one or two beliefs the
Ideology doesn't stand up to scrutiny.

My dd2 is now more on my wavelength, but dd1 is definitely still more on the side of the activists but even she concedes some points to me. Dd1 definitely identifies as female so no worries about her deciding to transition, but she has plenty of friends who have.

Good luck and try to keep the conversations going.