Can we chat about reasons for not using trans name and pronouns?

[Teatimebrioche]

In a recent conversation about LGBTQ (well, just the TQ) I was asked if I'd be open to using the new name and pronouns of a trans person, theoretically speaking.

I said that I wouldn't, that it made me very uncomfortable and that I'd feel like I was lying by going along with it. That I didn't like the breaking down of reality and the female/male language and all that entails, and that it blurs boundaries.

But I ended up feeling pretty frustrated as that didn't really cover what I wanted to say and was a bit sound bitey. I just got more and more tongue tied when I tried to go into more detail. I've been trying to write down my thoughts on it since but I feel like they're all just swirling around my head and I can't isolate the thoughts well enough to formulate a proper sentence about it.

I especially feel it's detrimental to use the chosen name and pronouns for kids/teens, but again I can't articulate why even though I "know" why.

I agree with so much of what has been said on this board about it and when I listen to the likes of Helen Joyce, Kathleen Stock etc I find my head bobbing up and down in agreement.

What way would you answer if asked the same thing?

You're quite right I should have specified one that's acceptable to use for humans. Fair point.

The extremely patronising response explaining what pronouns are and that language has evolved over time... not so helpful. One can still question the values that shaped them. Society is still far too gendered, but in the past was even more so. A gender neutral pronoun for people as standard, with sex specific ones when salient, would imo have been ideal.

I'm struggling with this currently. There are two transwomen in my wider circle of family and friends, who I see only rarely but come up in conversation. Both use she/her and have adopted female names; one I knew previously as 'he/him', and the other I didn't.

I don't care about names, but I am opposed to the use of 'she/her', which I believe are pronouns for women, not for men who want to live as women. However, I don't want to be the only one refering to these transwomen as 'he/him', or even 'they/them', when other family/friends would say 'she/her'. So mostly that leaves me avoiding talking about them at all.

@Zebracat that’s very interesting. The trans people I know seem to make great efforts to adopt stereotypical behaviour of their “new” gender — ie transmen try to act overly “masculine” and transwomen try to act overly “feminine”. I am very interested to read that you and other pp’s have different observations.

I noticed this trend a few years ago I. The fascinating Sunday Telegraph column by David/Diana Thomas (My Transgender Diary): as David proceeded week by week to document the transition, he/she changed language and focus - started to refer to her “besties” rather than her friends and started to write excitedly about lipstick and fashion etc. I commented on the change of language to an lgbt friend and he said “it makes sense, doesn’t it? When you join a new club, you want to fit in and adopt the mannerisms and dress etc of the people who already are in the club”.

Well, I dont call my friends besties, because I’m not 7, and we really never discuss makeup, and barely wear any. We don’t have pillow fights either. We spend a lot of time talking about our caring responsibilities, our adult children, retirement plans and the menopause. Guess those bits of the female experience aren’t so attractive. But then , of course, I’m not a girl. Just an old hag.

Ah yes. Diana.

Must’ve not had much of an opportunity for sharing toe nail lacquer with besties at Eton.

Poor, poor Diana.