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Original poster

Friend's child. Is this worrying?

106 replies

namechange102938 · 20/07/2023 20:09

I'm probably opening a can of worms here but I would really like to hear from others on this.

The situation is this:

My lovely female friend is married to another woman. They had a DD. When DD was 3, they had a DS. DD had always been more interested in trucks than dolls. After DS was born, DD started saying that she was a boy too. The parents immediately switched to male pronouns and within the year they've changed the child's name to a boy name and even changed the birth certificate and the passport, erasing the child's birth identity. We're in a liberal US state.

I have trans friends, but they were all adults when they transitioned so I don't know what the healthy approach is for children. At 3 years old it seems to me that there's a possibility that being a boy was appealing since the only boy in the house (the new baby) was naturally getting a lot of attention. Also, a love of trucks and a dislike of dolls surely shouldn't matter.

I know my friends deeply love their children and think they're doing what's best for the child. I'm just concerned that perhaps the child isn't trans, but it would now be very difficult for him to change his mind. Changing the name and the birth certificate feels unnecessary at this stage. It seems to me that it send a message a child might interpret as 'they love me as DS more than they loved me as DD, so I can never be DD again no matter how I feel'.

Ironically, it seems very binary and limiting. They're already planning to use puberty blockers. The child takes part in trans events and has a whole identity based around this one part of him even though he's now just 7.

Do many very young trans children change their minds? Does this seem concerning or am I just out of touch?

OP posts:
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nobodysdaughternow · 20/07/2023 20:13

Yes that is deeply worrying. There have been enough young bodies broken by puberty blockers.

How anyone could allow this to happen to their own child is astonishing and neglectful.

RoseslnTheHospital · 20/07/2023 20:14

Of course it's concerning, it's not about being out of touch. It's about recognising child development stages and about what a 3 year old could possibly understand about sex and gender identity. Especially in a previously all female environment that suddenly gained a baby boy that got lots of attention.

There's absolutely nothing you can do about it in reality though. In the US I'm pretty sure that any comments that aren't wholly supportive and praising their "progressive" parenting will be taken as hostile right wing views.

TheBiologyStupid · 20/07/2023 20:17

Agreed - it's deeply concerning. Here in the UK, the Cass Review's Interim report made it clear that social transitioning is not a neutral act and that there is no good evidence base for the use of puberty blockers, particularly so for natal girls.

https://cass.independent-review.uk/publications/interim-report/

Interim report – Cass Review

https://cass.independent-review.uk/publications/interim-report

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 20/07/2023 20:26

Horrifying. I was talking recently to an older woman with a huge amount of experience working with children. She said that more and more parents she comes across are burdening their very young children with decisions or a role in decision-making over things which should really just be down to the parents. She was thinking of relatively trivial decisions, as she finds these children expect to be consulted and to have a right of veto about all sorts of things which can't be done practically in a group setting. However, it seems to me to be the same sort of mindset that would take a 3yo literally. Do these people know nothing about child development? Where do they think all the 'trans children' were in previous generations? Why aren't there lots and lots of middle-aged transmen? You'd think all the girls who couldn't transition in childhood would be making up for lost time now it's not taboo.

HorribleNecktie · 20/07/2023 20:27

There’s no such thing as a trans 3 year old. It’s a bunch of sexist, regressive stereotypes and they are putting that girl on track to a lifetime of misery.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 20/07/2023 20:32

Look at it like this - when my Dd was 3 she announced that her name was Peppa Pig. When my ds was 3 he announced that he was called Thomas the Tank Engine.

BeautifulWar · 20/07/2023 20:37

This is a form of abuse in my opinion.

historygeek · 20/07/2023 20:41

Gish, that's really worrying. To block a child's puberty, and potentially destroy their fertility based on the say so of a three year old is insane.

My DS said he was Spiderman when he was three. I didn't let him get bitten by a radioactive spider!!

Approaching · 20/07/2023 20:42

That is absolutely horrifying. What other big decision would we allow a 3 year old, or even a 7 year old, to take?

HipTightOnions · 20/07/2023 20:48

At 3 years old it seems to me that there's a possibility that being a boy was appealing since the only boy in the house (the new baby) was naturally getting a lot of attention.

This seems so obvious to a complete stranger on the internet. But apparently not to this little girl

BlessedKali · 20/07/2023 20:48

Crouton19 · 20/07/2023 20:22

You/your friends might benefit from listening to this interview

yes they really need to listen to this. .. its VERY similiar to your friends situation

HipTightOnions · 20/07/2023 20:48

... little girl's parents.

LakeTiticaca · 20/07/2023 20:51

This is very worrying. In the US they will give puberty blockers to 10 year old children

Workawayxx · 20/07/2023 20:58

yes, I’d say very worrying but I’m not sure what you can do as if you raise it you’ll likely just be cut off given the depth they are in to this. Do you think they may listen to an alternative view? Giving them the “watchful waiting” option could be good if they will listen to alternatives. If the child has been called the boy name for 4 years though that’s difficult to change in itself.

My DS said he wanted to be a girl at 3. When probed for 2 mins, it turned out he wanted to have babies and thought women could be mummies but didn’t realise the baby was half daddy. I reassured him he could be a parent and then he was fine with being a boy. The conversation was over in 5 minutes.

Delphinium20 · 20/07/2023 21:10

Some day, this little girl will grow up and wonder how her parents could have done this to her. It might be worth the risk to to your friendship

YouJustDoYou · 20/07/2023 21:15

My son, when I had two girls, asked me to buy him dresses like them (this is when they grew older and developed their own preferences for hairstyles, toys etc) and to put his hair in little pigtails and buy him a little doll (which he still has to this day years later). He just wanted to be the same as his sisters. He grew out of it.

YouJustDoYou · 20/07/2023 21:16

I mean, what can you do? You'll probably get probed for a hate crime or bigotry or something, seeing as SS and the police aren't on the children's side in this.

MrGHardy · 20/07/2023 21:16

"Where do they think all the 'trans children' were in previous generations? Why aren't there lots and lots of middle-aged transmen? You'd think all the girls who couldn't transition in childhood would be making up for lost time now it's not taboo."

Been saying this since I first came across the exponential increase in girls identifying as boys. Never received an answer.

ZickZack · 20/07/2023 21:21

Jeez that's bloody awful. and why on earth are only boys allowed to love trucks? How bizarre.
I grew up loving football, hating dresses and dollys, and wanting all the things considered "boyish". I'm still not very feminine as an adult and yet I'm a woman and fine with that. To change a child's identity like that so young is really appalling.

Original poster
namechange102938 · 20/07/2023 21:22

Thank you so much your replies. I've watched half of the podcast so far and it's very interesting. I'm going to look into the Dr Newfeld they mention as well.

As someone said, it's very difficult here in the US to even gently question this kind of situation. My friend has complained about her family and her partner's family's suggestions of counselling for them and the child. There's an immediate block against anything that might be seen as critical and labelled transphobic.

We've been friends for years and she's an amazing, loving mom. There just seems to be this weird blind spot. I think they've got a community around them that not only affirms their actions, but holds them up as examples of how to 'accept' your children.

To be fair, the child seems happy and engaged and developing well. I just have this nagging concern and am wondering if risking the friendship is worth saying something now, or just being perhaps a support to the child going forward if things get bumpy.

OP posts:
Duckskitbank · 20/07/2023 21:26

Your friends are abusing their child. You don’t have to be cool with it.

RedRobyn2021 · 20/07/2023 21:29

This sounds insane

My 2.5yo pretends to be a dog/frog/cat/dinosaur can you imagine if I went along with it seriously? Insane.

RoseslnTheHospital · 20/07/2023 21:31

The thing is, when put on puberty blockers prior to experiencing any pubertal development, and then moving on to cross sex hormones, the child will never be able to experience an unmedicated development process. Medical transition is not a process that can be easily stopped and cannot be fully reversed once certain points are passed.

How can the child possibly consider a change of mind when they've been coached into this for more than half their life already. It would be a huge step, to reject what has been told to them for so long.

ArabeIIaScott · 20/07/2023 21:32

That sounds very, very hard to watch, OP.

A seven year old girl likes to play with trucks ... this is really in no way unusual or of note.

The trouble is that there are enormously powerful entities lined up supporting the idea that a 'trans child' exists, and furthermore needs to be medically treated.

I really hope the wee girl is okay and that they leave her alone to grow and play with whatever bloody toys she wants to play with, wear what she wants, and eventually, love who she wants.