I guess this should be an AIBU to be angry

[Worldgonecrazy]

Yesterday early afternoon, walking down the local High Street in a small market town on the south coast. About 15ft ahead of me I immediately spotted a man, walking with, I presume, his wife. The man had longish grey curly hair, was carrying a small handbag in the crook of his arm and wearing a very, very short white pleated skirt made of a flimsy material. It was a very windy day, so every few seconds the man’s skirt would lift in the wind to reveal his pink lacy underwear. He knew what he was wearing and knew what he was doing, allowing his fetish to take place in front of unwilling and unwitting participants, including children. No doubt he went home and wanked himself stupid afterwards.

I am so angry that if I had called him out for the autogynephillic pervert he was, I am the one who would be castigated as a bigot. And as for how wife, facilitating and supporting this utter bullshit! I am so angry that these men are allowed to get away with these behaviours. I guess most normal men would just point and laugh and not think too deeply about it.

I feel completely impotent and annoyed that i didn’t say anything.

sorry - just needed a rant!

I would go up to his wife and say, I absolutely love your outfit! Where did you get it? While I'm here, your hair cut is lovely, I'm thinking of getting something similar. And make sure to ignore the man in dress throughout the conversation. Must dash! Bye!

Maybe help us understand then.

I've been doing that for the last six years.

See the Trans Widows Voices website linked below and the Trans Widows threads here.

The victim blaming on this thread is disturbing.

I really don’t understand how people can post on the feminism board and not understand the dynamics in the relationship here.

How can you blame his wife or see her as complicit in this? She’s subject to the abuse the same as everyone else, if not more seeing as she lives with him.

Apologies and thanks.

Every aspect of this whole thing is so awful. Everyone it impacts upon.

Trans widows are in the possibly unique position of being blamed by one group of people (like those on this thread) for putting up with too much, and by another group of people (TRA's) for not putting up with enough. It's depressing to see it on this board.

Trans widows are in the possibly unique position of being blamed by one group of people (like those on this thread) for putting up with too much, and by another group of people (TRA's) for not putting up with enough. It's depressing to see it on this board.

There is resonance here with how many women abused by men are treated, sadly :( (Which is not to detract from what is happening but more to underscore that it is about abuse).

Yes in many ways it's no different to the judgement of women who stay after their partner has hit them, the difference is that the beaten woman hasn't got a large part of society saying how stunning and brave he is for beating her and how she should celebrate it.

In this situation the equivalent would be women who stay after their partner has beaten their children. As I said earlier, my sympathy stops the minute children become involved. (And fwiw, I do sadly, have experience of abuse and coercive control.)

It isn't but you're clearly very invested in blaming the victim rather than the perpetrator.

This should be considered in line with the fact that the Crown Prosecution now have guidance which says women like us are domestic abusers.

twitter.com/lesleysemmens/status/1677016463188840449?s=46&t=PSGltfjrMyZmBtYq2-AVIQ

I am not blaming the victim. I am saying she has agency over whether she takes part in his fetish to publicly expose himself when they both know children will be around. It’s others who seem to suggest women are entirely powerless and have no autonomy. I think better of women.

The perpetrator is the one who disgusts and angers me the most. However I also think the woman is disgusting for supporting the perpetrator to commit harm to children.

the difference is that the beaten woman hasn't got a large part of society saying how stunning and brave he is for beating her and how she should celebrate it.

ITA.

The perpetrator is the one who disgusts and angers me the most.
Yet you're still using most of your energy to condemn the woman. On a feminist board.

No. However I don’t think feminist = women are feeble creatures without autonomy

OK, I'm out. This level of judgement and refusal to learn about women's experiences becomes retraumatising eventually.

There's a fundamental difference of opinion about the point when women stop being victims and start being enablers of abuse; or even actively abusive themselves.

never forget

A Woman's Place is in the Wrong.

So many assumptions on here. Shocking.

@TinselAngel
You have massive support on this board.
Some posters are unaware of your trauma and that of other trans widows.
The majority of us on here understand.

How to react? I think I'd be tempted to say 'Autogynephilia' as loudly as I dared.

I wouldn't say anything to a man I thought could be abusing his wife. There's always the risk he'll go home and take it out on her.

@Worldgonecrazy
The thing is, no woman thinks she'll ever be in that position until she is. This didn't all start on the day you saw the couple. If he'd tried that stunt on their third date, she would have hightailed it out of the relationship. But the wife will have been groomed and gaslit by her AGP husband, taking advantage of her female socialisation and (I assume) love for him. Little by little, boundary transgression by boundary transgression, over many years. Breaking her down.

Yes, true!

If laughing and pointing is "rewarding" for the fetishist, is the "reward" the same whether a man or a woman does the laughing and pointing?

Exactly, and this is the big difference. Women don't dress in short skirts because they want to be humiliated. AGPs do.

As a PP said, total blank ignore is the way to go. They hate that.