Angry with my non binary brother- how to help SIL

[Angrywithmybrother]

I’m a long time lurker on these boards but feel confounded by this recent situation in my own life. I’m thinking just typing it will help.

My brother (in his 40s) came out as non-binary last year. He was quite tearful when he told me as he thinks I’m a TERF and probably thought I’d react badly. I didn’t say much - “I can see why you would want to go move away from narrow gender constructs” or something like that. My parents didn’t say much either apparently. I don’t think they understand the issues.

I saw my SIL recently at a family event and got chatting to her. She basically said that she is devastated by the whole thing. Apparently my brother just announced it to her and their friends at the same time. He has started to go to work and social events ‘as a woman’ now. Dressed in a stereotypical female way. He has also started to repeatedly correct their children’s use of pronouns towards him, even though they don’t understand. If my SIL questions it he calls her a transphobe and a bigot. She said she is at breaking point.

I’m just wondering if anyone has had any luck talking to someone about this and getting them to see both sides. I feel like my brother has been radicalised.

I wouldn't get involved. The whole thing isn't going to end well and not for your SIL. All you can do is be there for both of them independently.

It's all very well saying it about a friend or someone you know too.

I think the whole thing is like shoving a grenade into a family and expecting everyone to carry on as if nothing has changed.

The reality of it is so enormous it's difficult to comprehend from 'the outside' where other people feed you inane pathetic ill thought out shallow platitudes like

'They are still the same person'

Or

'It's just the same as being gay'

Or

'But it's only pronouns, you should respect them if you love them'.

It's clueless. Utterly clueless.

And has such a massive blindspot to the emotional abuse that accompanies it.

"Keep your mouth shut and let your brother emotionally abuse your SIL and her kids cos it's not going to end well anyway"

Hot take that.

What I am sure about is the person’s gender identity needs to be respected and accommodated.

Does it?

Why?

Well, exactly. I agree that most (all?) people are non binary - because what would the opposite of that be? Some hyper feminine/ hyper masculine Barbie/ Ken type people?

I also wonder how he managed to cope with the “harmful wrong pronouns” for the previous 40 years of his life?

I didn't mean that and well you know it. Given his behaviour so far do you think it's going to make a blind bit of difference.

If OP's brother had any consideration whatsoever he would have shown it to his wife.

How does your SIL feel? For me, if I was your SIL, I’d leave. He’s not the person she thought he was. I think all you can do is offer support and keep the lines of communication open so she knows you’re there for her. It sounds like your brother is being hugely abusive towards her.

Or green 😁

Oh just realised they might mean She as in the SIL - have reported my post for removal 😂 <slaps wrist>

It must be hard to respect pronouns when they are a constant reminder that your marriage has become a sham.

Classic controlling abusive behaviour by this man. Most of this fad is about controlling others if you ask me. Your SIL needs to distance herself from this prick asap. She needs to protect her kids from his abusive behaviour.

please keep reiterating to your brother he is a he, he is the father of children he has a responsibility to those children they are not there to validate him. He can call you all the names under the Sun but he is a nasty man who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about any of the people in his life.

im sorry your family are going through this.

Agree.
Plus not telling SIL privately shows complete disrespect.
Id walk away, he’s being abusive

No Think about it.

That's exactly what you are saying. You are saying abandon her to it because it's none of your business. Don't give her support because it's going to be a car crash and your involvement isn't worth doing.

Oh it absolutely is because what she needs now is to know she's not alone and she's not going mad and yes her husband is behaving in an appalling way to her.

I genuinely mean that. Its such a lonely cold place to be. It's like your whole world is collapsing. Knowing someone gets it, means the world.

When someone at work did it, they sent an "all staff" email announcing it, giving their new name and their pronouns.

Ironically, Barbie and Ken, whilst being at different ends of the gender spectrum, are both sexless, having no genitalia at all.

Barbie and Ken are not real. They are a hyper stereotyped fantasy. If you take that on board, then 'most people being in the middle' are what we call 'human' or 'real'.

Strange that.

My parents didn’t say much either apparently. I don’t think they understand the issues.

Well, who does?

What I am sure about is the person’s gender identity needs to be respected and accommodated.

only way to do this to cut "they/them" out of your lives completely. They can play happy genders by themselves, they don't need you.

The firm where one of my sons works all the employees have to introduce themselves with their preferred pronouns before each meeting. Normal way of doing business now. However, when people are in the office there are often meetings set up one after the other. One of his colleagues asked if since they had just had a meeting with the exact same people, could they skip the introductions? He was told no because if there were non binary people present that there preferred pronouns may have changed in the hour they were in the last meeting.

Some men are gay and they can't accept it

From the OP:
"He has also started to repeatedly correct their children’s use of pronouns towards him, even though they don’t understand. If my SIL questions it he calls her a transphobe and a bigot. She said she is at breaking point".

Coercive control. Amazed to find anyone on a feminist board suggesting enabling this type of self centred bullying.

No. most blokes don’t throw on a mini skirt and nip off to work.

This isn’t what the SIL signed up for.

Id suggest she leaves him. I expect he’ll escalate to trans woman and want to be called mummy next

If you had read the full response I said "support them independently" which means not talking to her brother as it's going to achieve nothing.

He is her sibling at the end of the day.