Teenage DD, general shit I'm absolutely fed upwith Re being a man

[LadyHag]

Yep, as title shows, it's one of these situations and tonight I am sat in bed having a massive cry as I am fucking well fed up with my naive, stupid, dd and if that sounds awful. I don't mean to be but I m just fed up.

DD in gcse year, over years at high school quiet, very few friends, anxious, hardly any self confidence, self harm issues a coupke of years ago. Hates anything where their achievements will be measured, if that makes sense, or in comparison to. Peers (had to drop a course at school as went into a huge panidlc their work would be shown with other pupils so hers would look rubbish, so she thought) yet won't push herself, prefers to withdraw and not challenge herself - very much a head in sand person

Anyway, during the general shit storm of past coupke of years we found dd had been in hidden chat rooms, discord et,c and chatting to (apparently-who can tell online e?) teenagers all bigging up saying they were trans, wearing maid outfits, nothing about dysmorphia etc that would imply a serious identity crisis, but obvious teenage attention etc.

DD loves this - here is a club anyone can join and there us no test you have to pass, no minimum criteria, you say you are trans and that's it, you're in with the cool kids. Dd is so naive she will not question anything she is told. We removed her phone for a long time while trying to. Get support for her and was told she needs to have it back, even though we were concerned she was abandoning the very few real. Life friendships at school to. Invest on online e groups that seemed to. Thrive by love bombing each other.

So, dd comes out with all the usual trans stuff, she told and event guest she was a man when asked about herself and was delighted that the organisers apologised to ger for not making a safe space, she loved the attention. She admits she likes to shock people to get attention but then worries about peopke looking at her, says she is a man, she is a gay male, some days she is 'T' and some days she is not, had been wearing a binder but didn't understand how it can damage breasts and on the says she is not 'T' the breasts over time won't just bounce back up. She seemed genuinely suprised by this.

We have had goth phases, trans phases, retro clothing phases, wanting items like the tiktok strawberry dress because other people have it

Now she has tonight told me for prom she needs a man's suit to look more masculine on photos.

I am absolutely fed up. I am worn out.

She is brainwashed, doesn't think of anything g long term, has stopped any after school clubs etc, the only club she will go to. In school is LGBT because hey guess what! Unlike knitting (people can see what you knit and it might not look as good as someone else's!) art club (people can see your drawings and it might not be as good as soneone else's!) debate club (people can listen to your debate and it might not be.... You get the idea....

We had organised counselling but dd after a couple of session said she didn't want to do. It as she would have to face her insecurities so avoided it.. The counsellor said they can't force her to engage.

I'm just fed up. I want to shake her and point out she is just talking bollocks (she absolutely does not have dysmorphia or identity issues) but she is again dropping out of comparing herself to other girls as dd has short hair, refuses to exercise (I won't pick her up from schoil so she has to walk to ensure she gets some exercise as she won't walk or do physical activity at home) and school let her study instead of PE - so I know she looks at other girls in her year group and sees them as totally different as she is withdrawn, overweight (I NEVER say this to her) never had a boyfriend or girl friend I honestly think that she is using trans as an excuse for feeling like she is not as pretty, outgoing or confident as her peers.

The worst thing is she could be anything if she just tried, but she is so brittle and not willing to try hard / be brave with anything g she just uses the trans as a mask.

And I 'm just fucking fed up.

Sorry for the rant. I just am feeling so sad for her, so angry and so worn out.

it is tough parenting teens in the best of times , let alone now. You are not alone and there are plenty of others going through this bollocks. Some even come back to say as they grow up things have changed. Please keep being clear about your own boundaries..that’s what they need to hear.

This is so hard to read and I didn't want to leave you hanging but I have no advice. Just that this is an awful situation you are going through. Keep up communication with DD, wail and sob in private but be as supportive as you can so she keeps talking to you.

This is my worst nightmare as DD(8) grows up and hopefully you'll get some good advice from other posters soon.

I used to work in a secondary school, what's going on is a weird trend that seems to target all the vulnerable/ abused/autistics/kids with MH difficulties and creating a fiction that they can belong to, it's terrifying and schools are all central to pushing it.

My DD is 'non-binary' which I guess is the best I could have hoped for, in reality she's autistic and doesn't fit feminine norms, sensory issues means she likes short hair as it touched her neck and didn't like skirts as they flitted around her legs.

She asked me to watch a Disney cartoon The Owl House, eager to share which is unusual, she proudly told me it started off as a children's show but then got a following with the LGB+ community so the first season is very geared up to younger children but the 2nd and 3rd contains trans and creatures with they/them pronouns... I've tried not to comment to keep communication open but what is the need for that in a magical fantasy cartoon aimed at 8-11 year old???
Its all just feeding our children this actual fantasy they bring to the real world and it so harmful for them in the long run.

Has she been assessed for autism?

How old is she. I would be making her get a job as soon as she’s 16. She needs to know she’s good at something. Anyone can be good at a minimum wage job, and in all likelihood the people there will just be like ‘mmhhhmmm’ when she tells them she’s male on Tuesdays and Saturday mornings.

This honestly sounds like my dd. We are currently going through an autism assessment. I initially thought she couldn’t possibly have autism but I do think it would explain a lot. She’s 17 x

So sorry for you OP. Teens have trans as a new fad to annoy their parents with at the moment, but unfortunately there are a lot of adults, celebs, media and pressure groups who encourage it.

The best you can do is to guide her away from doing any irreversible harm to herself, while encouraging her to apply a bit of critical thinking to the issue.

Interesting the predictable Mumsnet responses 🙄

Thanks - I think even hearing people say it sounds rubbish helps.

Dh is as worried as I am, he is stressed with work, often not home til after 8 on a night if not on a later shift and tries to be a sounding board for me but often cracks and says he feels like me, and at times feels like he'll end up in an early grave with all the shit we end up dealing with.

I ferl awful, because, I feel like pointing out if she put as much effort into studdtying and revising as she did talking bollocks and going down online wormholes she would be a genius.

A typical example is looking g at jobs for after GCSEs. The only place dd would like to work is Lush. Why? Because it's really cool and it's really good for LGBTQ. Me, trying to be diplomatic and discuss rather than argue, said I had concerns, Re how they consider staff welfare, eg the campaign were customers coukd give staff a kiss (from a few years, ago) and pointing g out to dd hiw there was no consideration for peso Al boundaries etc, it wouldn't be acceptable on a night out etc for that to happen, the campaign against the police that while the issue was undercover officers behaviour tarnished the police as a whole, binders being given out without proper counselling, support etc, all I get told is I'm really awful, or I'm just wrong.

This is from a girl who told me that JJR, is a terf, she is awful and can't call herself a feminist. When I asked dd what terf stood for, she had no idea. So pointing out that the term terf is a derogatory term for someone with concerns Re aspects of twans issues and refers to them as a radical feminist means you can't call them a terf and say they are not a feminist.. Dd looked absolutely lost just snapped "Well that's what she is". She just repeats, drivel that she has no idea what it means or is about.

I go and sat goodnight, every night, tell her I love her, call her geautiful, share done dft childhood joke, and come out feeling like I'm talking to someone that is being brainwashed and slowly dissappearing from. Me.

Hello, massive sympathies. I’m sorry to hear this. I’m having similar with my DD. And have had some amazing support on here so I’m hoping to return the favour in some small way.
It’s a nasty ideology that seems to suck up all the girls who have confidence issues. Totally agree singleandproud ditto to everything that seems to be shoving trans down our throats. Matt Walsh has some good you tubes on this.

i was totally surprised to be told by my DD that she understands you have to be very girly or you are trans. She too wants to wear a suit to the prom, or did, she’s been encouraged to leave school early, thanks trans people! And seems to think it’s outrageous. For goodness sake.
im afraid I don’t know how to tell her she’s being played. contact Bayswater group, genspect PITT, that will lead you to more support groups. And information.

I did hear of a good excersise, if she will do it, to build confidence.
draw three columns. In the first write something good you did today. E,g ‘ said helllo to woman at bus stop’ in the second write what it says about you, e.g ‘ I’m friendly,im getting more chatty’ in the third column you ‘lock in’ the positive feeling by writing how it made you feel and where in your body you felt it, eg.’happy I felt light in my stomach and enrgissed’
sounds a bit woo, but do it 5 times a day or more for as long as you can. It does actually work.
Also as lemonswan says, a job is good.
all the best. You definitely are not alone. X

Newpuppymummumy, when and we're did you start the autism assessment? Dd won't be staying at her school after gcse, we looked at dyspraxia but gp said they don't refer it has to be srndco at school but in 2 months, time she won't be there!

JaneDoe82, no, but from your post and newpuppymummy it is something I might have to push for.

LemonSwan - yes, that is exactly my thoughts Re a job, I'm helping her with loads of applications and if none come through I'm going to get some volunteering applications in.

Moomoola - that sounds great, easy to do and a good task to try since we can't get her to engage with counselling.

Thanks everyone, honestly your replies mean so much, thank you.

Sounds very stressful. Also to me it reads there is a lot of hwightenee tension in the house. Could it help to just let her get on and explore? She needs to reach conclusions herself and probably isn't listening to your arguments. Sorry it is so tough x

@LadyHag I was listening to a podcast about a cult and apparently advice to friends and family for a livyed one in a cult is to prioritise the relationship over being "right"/helping them see the truth.

They put a lot of emphasis on this being a big factor for people who managed to disconnect and those that didn't.

I think it's a similar approach for teens in thrall to any new trend - remain calm, neutral, and be there for her without judgement.

It's tension in my post deffo but not in the house - it's like I live in 2 alternative worlds!

DD gets lots of patient non committal replies to things she says, I sit and chat with her about lots of things, sometimes present a very watered down point of view that might differ to what she says or thinks so that she can see I'm not in agreement at times but not invalidating her point of view.

DD would not recognise me from these posts if she read them, honestly we've had so many things to deal with dd that first and foremost home has to be a safe space for her, albeit sometime she might have to hear a different point if view but presented without antagonising her, if that makes sense.

NCGrandParent - yes. I think I have learnt over time to not air my opinions and when I do it's very very watered down! I bite my lip so much I'm suprised my teeth don't stick through!!

I went private for DDs autism assessment. I researched a local clinic that specialised in ASD in girls and that followed NICE guidelines it cost £2.5k but only a 6 week wait instead of NHS 4 years (if you meet the NHS bar and chances are she'd be palmed off onto another list as she would be approaching adulthood). They do contact the school but unlike Adhd it is not essential for them to show signs at school. Before getting the assessment DDs MH was spiralling and its been worth it's weight in gold validating why she is the way she is. Also the Ed psych who carried it out said that the private screenings are far more in depth than the NHS ones she does due to time limitations. It was expensive, I'm a single parent it was money I was hoping to use for a holiday but I don't regret it.

My DD shows typical behaviour for girls with ASD, needs to maintain sameness or be prepared for changes ie does not like plans changing last minute. She gets dressed the same way everyday so if for example her school trousers needed ironing but everything else was ready she simply wouldn't get dressed because it would be wrong, I didn't know this until we started talking things through and a lot of things came to light that DD had never mentioned because she thought everyone thought or did those things. She masks massively so it's tricky to see anything is wrong until she crashes at home having shutdowns opposed to the more we'll known meltdowns. She is extremely compliant and gets very distressed at the thought of breaking rules. Has sensory issues especially around noise.

During the assessment they go right back, from pregnancy to the present day and signs have to be visible from an early age, Many of my DDs signs I'd brushed off as being because she was an only child and quirky but the Ed psych explained how what I was saying was interlinked.

singleandproud - oh jees I hadn’t realised that about the Owl House. My DD likes it.

There’s another one called ‘Dead End: Paranormal Park’ which has the main character as trans and a lot of discussion about ‘coming out’ to parents etc. It’s for ages 7 and up…..I found DS watching it.

I just really, really hope that soon this has all become so common it’s no longer cool.

Hi Ladyhag I know from experience that life can be pretty distressing with some teenage girls. You are not alone. They will come out the other side and so will you.

Lisa Damour in her books on parenting teenage girls writes about them trying on different hats and personas during this turbulent time of brain plasticity.

All the uncertainty and chronic lack of self confidence and demand avoidance is bad enough without certain elements of the trans movement behaving irresponsibly and recruiting and harnessing it to their own ends.

(Have you had her assessed for ASD op as her behaviour sound v familiar to me?)

It’s a shame she won’t engage with therapy as one huge benefit is the simple realisation that she is not alone and she is not the only teen going through this awful turmoil.

I also wanted to say to you being there and hanging in with her, however helpless, frustrated and upset you feel, IS helping her. Even though you may think that nothing is helping! She will be taking in what you are saying despite giving no hint of doing so.

You’re the solid rock in the middle that’s she is circling around. And she needs you there so don’t give up. Get some support for yourself, model self care and a degree of positivity (hard to do when all seems hopeless) as she is watching how you handle all of this. Sorry if that adds on more pressure but it’s true.

Take regular breaks away if you can. And ring fence some time for yourself each week to you can boost your own mood. Step back a little. She will eventually find a way through the confusion but it’s a long haul. Good luck. 💐

Thanks everyone.
HexagonalHorris I think I am now sat crying because of the support in messages like yours rather than just stress crying!

I could have written your post except dd's autistic, diagnosed in primary school. She knows I have no truck with trans stuff and she's on her own with it.
It's a horrible road.

LadyHag 💐part of it is because it’s such a lonely situation to be in. Especially when you have friends whose dc are off doing their Duke of Edinburgh gold award and taking a gap year in Laos and your own child struggles getting out of the front door sometimes.

Also, it’s more socially acceptable to talk about the stresses of parenting toddlers but people don’t talk about their struggles with teens so much, largely to protect their dc confidentiality and because there’s an assumption that being a mother of a teen should be easier now you have had years of parenting experience. But that’s not necessarily true! A whole different set of skills are required.

So rest assured, even though you may not know many parents going through the same thing, there are plenty of us about.

I'm not a mum, but I was definitely a troubled teen with a "Not the best" relationship with my mum - The only advice I feel I have somewhat of a leg to stand on is re; Lush specifically.

I 100% get that you disagree with the choice, or the reasoning behind the choices, I'd even probably agree with you myself if I'm honest - but if it's the one thing she's shown interest in, don't discourage it in any way.
It'll demotivate someone who sounds already, pretty demotivated.

I said I wanted to be a vet to my mum, she told me I wouldn't be cut out for it because I wouldn't be able to stand seeing animals in pain or be able to put one to sleep.

I said I wanted to be a hairdresser not long after this, she told me I would have to wash people's hair who have personal hygiene issues.

The list could go on, but the way it made me feel was the same. Why bother?
Sucked all my ambition and drive away, every time, until it just.. Stuck.

In the end I fell into doing online digital art commissions & self employment... Which sounds okay without much detail, but is... Not ideal.
I'm sure you can imagine where the majority of the money is in that kind of "work" environment.

Artios · Today 00:01
singleandproud - oh jees I hadn’t realised that about the Owl House. My DD likes it.

There’s another one called ‘Dead End: Paranormal Park’ which has the main character as trans and a lot of discussion about ‘coming out’ to parents etc. It’s for ages 7 and up…..I found DS watching it.

I am sorry to derail OP but I wanted to respond to this post.

Watch out for Disney. I think. I have just seen the Little Mermaid and though it is not trans, there are serious problems with it.
The film is extremely exciting and beguiling for children but I was quite shocked.

The drawings of the LM herself are soft porn in the way they are drawn. She is only just sixteen. Ursula is like a brothel madam or a transvestite. The Little Mermaid gives up everything to marry Eric who is not really worth it. Her father Triton is not a strong male paragon but abusive to her. Apparently trans people love this film because she loses her fish tail.

Check out all newer Disney films before letting children see them and be wary they are not at all as benign as they seem.

OP, do you think you could possibly afford a private ASD assessment? Perhaps a specialist doctor would have a augment plan.