the Sex topic on MN

[beastlyslumber]

I couldn't see a thread in FWR, though there are plenty in Site Stuff and AIBU. I thought it would be good to hear what women here think, especially about the safeguarding fails. MN hosting discussion of people graphically describing CSA and a 'sex chat' for people to find hook ups. Justine's response was to say that maybe they underestimated the negative impact, but they're going to carry on anyway. Posters who've reported threads and comments have been ignored.

I don't see how MN can keep going as a parenting site if it is failing on very basic safeguarding. Someone on another thread pointed out that sex forums at least have a bare minimum of safeguards, such as age verification, a list of banned topics, and active moderation (rather than the after-the-fact reports and deletions MN usually do.)

There are also concerns that it changes the nature of the people coming to post on MN and generally makes women less able to access the help and advice they need. I've noticed for a while that there's more victim blaming and misogyny in the relationships topic - apparently MN changed the posting rules last year so that new users only have to wait 7 days to post in the sex topic, where it was previously 90. So it's possible that the change there is related to that.

Sorry for the long OP! Just really wondering what women here think.

Or hers.

As I said, take your rape apologetics elsewhere. I don't care if you find that rude. I find your rape apologies absolutely disgusting.

I had no intentions of engaging with this thread, however, it is important to give the full details.They were discussing having another child then had unprotected sex. Describing that as rape is actually harmful.

That's such a disgusting misrepresentation of the OP. Actually vile. Please, please just go away. You're a liar and a rape apologist and it's actually fucked up that you are doing this.

People can go to that thread and see it for themselves. I hate that MN is being left to men like you.

I’m a woman! A Mum! I hope people do actually read the original thread

Why are you posting on a thread you have ‘no intentions of engaging with’?

@CryptoFascistMadameCholet as I wrote in the next sentence : ‘however, it is important to give the full details.’

www.consentiseverything.com/#

"They might say "yes please that's kind of you" and then when the tea arrives they actually don't want the tea at all. Sure, that's kind of annoying as you've gone to all the effort of making the tea, but they remain under no obligation to drink the tea.

They did want tea, now they don't. Some people change their mind in the time it takes to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk. And it's ok for people to change their mind. And you are still not entitled to watch them drink it."

@beastlyslumber I’m neither misogynist nor do I condone rape or sexual assault. Please save the judgement

I'm judging you based on your own words. If you don't want to be thought of as a rape apologist, don't make excuses for rape.

This with bells on. Same with the men who post 10 paragraph navel-gazing 'help me, ladies' shit on the relationships board. If they genuinely wanted a woman's point of view and would be open to hearing it without being defensive, fair enough - but in almost every case it's a man who's been a shit to his partner, wants women to coddle his ego, and when they don't, he kicks off. Like there are no other forums anywhere on the internet he could go, he has to pick the one that is majority women.

There are a lot of these, too.

One was removed from this site for trailing me around every board with abusive comments. Every time I commented on the subject, up they popped, and it became relentless. This is because I dare to speak openly about my experiences of rape and am not going to shut up in order to make the Pickmes feel more comfortable.

These posters home in on rape victims like wasps to a treacle jar (cf. Vancouver rape crisis and the case of Sarah and Suffolk Rape Crisis). These people, and the ideology they spout, are showing exactly who they are. This is why there's now a huge turning of the tide of public opinion against them, and why drawing attention to their 'cause' will eventually kill off off their toxic, incendiary movement. That process has already started.

Kicking victims of rape is aiming really low, but this sort of thing is their MO (and in more than a few cases, how they get their sexual kicks. Some people - unfortunately not excluding some women - really, really hate women.

I've had a look at the thread @beastlyslumber is talking about, and here is a quote from the OP's second post on the thread:

"However this was not an accident. He did this intentionally - he just didnt ask me first. We did not agree to stop using this method. He always always pulls out and that is very clear. However He said he thought he would "just go for it". We did not discuss this. We talked about a 3rd baby one day in the future."

I can't understand why anyone would think her husband's behaviour was reasonable. He carried out a sex act that she did not agree to. That is a violation, and she said she felt violated. Unfortunately of course the idiots who like to pile on any AIBU thread are there picking apart her contraception choices, which are entirely beside the point. Anyone who thinks what her husband did was fine needs to take a long look at themselves.

I'd probably like to see the sex topic go. It's like some sort of seedy little corner where the usual suspects try and think of ever more weird things to discuss - from one bloke who wants a special zip put in his pants so he can get them off quicker when he's wanting to shag outdoors to another who wants to treat his wife to a butt plug as a gift for her to wear whilst out and about for the day

I don't actually have any issues with the above stuff being discussed. Couldn't care less

The issue is it being hosted here on Mumsnet. So jarring.

And based on that thread that I've also looked at, you are a rape apologist @Mermaidparades

All you care about is keeping in with the dysfunctional males loitering in here

The screen handle is quite a giveaway, IMO.

Same as the one all over women's rights topics ending in the suffix 'PIE'.

They are not even hiding who they are. I won't waste typeface engaging with those types.

I wish it didn't exist here. It has made such a difference to the tone of the rest of the site and the kind of posters that comment. Used to be that relationships was a good place for women to discuss their issues, now we have to wade through pages of misogynistic comments before we can get anywhere. Used to be the occasional rape apologist or sexist man talking shite, now there's hundreds of comments like that.

I think the sex topic and lack of safeguarding around it has made a big difference. I can't prove it, though. But I think so.

I agree. It’s like a separate site over there, it doesn’t fit with mumsnet at all. But that’s because on every other part of the site it’s overwhelmingly women posting and over there it’s mostly men. It’s pretty sickening.

That bloke and his easy access trousers. 🙄 And the thread about wanting advice on buying a smallish box for his sex toys, a few posts in and it turned into him needing a chest or a trunk to fit them all into. The escalation in the size of box needed was rapid because I get the feeling it was about him getting off to others reactions about his huge collection of toys. 🤮🤢 Are these the users mumsnet wants to attract?

And no I’m not a prude or a pearl clutcher or anything they’ll accuse me of. I like sex as much as the next person but if I need a box to store sex toys, I’m pretty sure I can manage to find that all by myself.....normal people do not need to talk about it on mumsnet. It’s oversharing and that’s a fetish in itself. Again, do mumsnet want this?

It’s no wonder that when we invite that sort of poster here, we’re going to get posters who do not stand for women’s rights and don’t have a problem with a woman being violated. And of course they have to tell us how great the sex board is at every opportunity.

You aren’t giving any details tho (which is actually a good thing as it’s not your experience and you are just hand waving another woman’s account of violation away) you are just trailing around the website making excuses for men engaging in non-consensual behaviours.

They are not even hiding who they are. I won't waste typeface engaging with those types.

This with bells on! Why do posters engage with them?

Just ignore them!

There's a thread recently obviously started by a TRA, I just don't know why posters bother responding,

@HeyYallDamnRight I was literally agog and hooting at the bloke who needs trousers with easy access. Joggers won't do apparently.

But it's ok! He found a seamstress to make the zip go all the way round or something

I mean - the mind boggles

The sex toy box also a very good case in point. Of course anyone can find a box to put things in on the internet or in a shop. You're quite right - it's not about 'try Amazon' .. it's about 'let's talk about my huge sex toy collection'

Oh and that particular bloke always mentions how he's got kids in the house but not to worry, there'll soon be at uni so he can have all this stuff out in the open.