Women are only as safe as their male partner allows them to be

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www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2023/02/08/women-safe-male-partner-allows-head-girls-school-body-says-emma/

A statement related to Emma Pattison from the chief executive of the Girls Day School Trust (a group of independent girls schools).

It was on the news at ten last night. It was utterly arresting when she said it.

I can’t get past the paywall, but that sound bite really resonates with me. So sickening though.

From the same article:
'In a blog post Cathy Walker, head of education development at GDST, also spoke out against violence against women.

She said: “Her death shows that domestic abuse and violence against women and girls is not reserved for those who have no voice, no platform, few opportunities.

“It shows that you can be a female leader, empowered, successful, admired, looked up to: and still only as safe as the men in your life allow you to be.”

And the men in society are currently not allowing any women to be safe because they'd much rather give men who identify as women more rights. It's sickening to see that people can't connect the dots. Men are being taught that women don't matter.

It really made me pause when I read that line earlier.

Hugely powerful words. That is my experience and it felt so important to hear someone say that

Absolutely right.
And when you put it in those terms, there is little point focussing efforts on helping girls to grow into strong women when it's the boys that have to helped to grow into decent men.

from the article:

The head of a group of leading girls’ schools has warned women are “only as safe as your male partner allows you to be” in the wake of the suspected murder of Epsom College headmistress Emma Pattison.

In a chilling statement, Cheryl
Giovannoni, chief executive of the Girls’ Day School Trust (GDST), said having a successful career does not protect women from domestic violence.

“It doesn’t matter how successful or accomplished or brilliant you are as a woman, you are only as safe as your male partner allows you to be,” Ms Giovannini told the BBC.

Chilling.

(Straight) women are expected to date, commit to, and live with our greatest predator.

Powerful.

It reminds me of something GussieGrips says in her show, that straight women are the only species who choose to live with their predators.

Partly true. However, it is very rare for a woman's murder by her partner to be the first sign of a man being dangerous. Women should leave men much earlier, at the first sign of a relationship becoming bullying or controlling. I agree that some men are predators and will cause destruction on a terrible level but women must do what they can to not be in a relationship with those men. There have clearly been issues in this relationship previously - women should never go back to a man where there has been any kind of violence, aggression of any kind, control or bullying. It's putting yourself in an unsafe place. Women have to protect themselves and their children- it's a sad fact.

It was a chilling quote. However, no woman in the UK needs to live with a man. Many many women live quite happily on their own or with their children and never have to feel a minute of fear. Co-habitation isn't obligatory.

I live with my child, I choose not to live with a partner. It's sad that I am happier this way, but having watched various women's lives made a misery by their partners, it seems the better choice.

Raising my ds to be a kind and decent person is much more important. We must focus on the next generation.

It’s well established that one of the most dangerous times for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she is planning to leave/leaves her abuser. So yes, a woman can and should leave any relationship that is not safe for her, however, the blame should never be placed on the woman for not leaving sooner. There are myriad reasons why she may not leave at the first instance of abuse. It’s a complex issue.

I know what you mean. And we should be given the signs to women so they can be aware of potential red flags earlier in the relationship.

However, it's a deeper problem than the situation of individual women. You only have to be on mumsnet for a very short period of time to notice the number of women on here falling over themselves to find excuses for men's poor behaviour. Is he depressed, unwell, got additional needs, low self esteem etc, etc? Or alternatively, have you listened to him, tried to amend your behaviour, taken him to the GP, got counselling? And so it goes on. If it happens here, it happens in wider society. Women are told to be compliant and fix men or put up with poor behaviour, by friends, families, often even their own mothers.

Men often have better jobs and have higher earning capacities. They are allowed to get out of paying for their children, particularly where they are self employed.

Until we fix these things, it's always going to be more of an uphill battle for women to leave abusive or controlling partners.

It is a very powerful message and really resonated with me too.

I’m not really sure what to make of this comment…? I guess I kind of get where you are going with it but… just… What?

I didn’t marry a man because I was expected to. I find that kind of insulting. I married him because I wanted to. I know that sounds positively wild and crazy but some of us actually choose to do things without others thinking for us!

And this is coming from a woman who can appreciate the dangers of domestic violence as my mother fled from it on christmas eve.

Not to mention I really looked forward to motherhood so even though I am bisexual I actively sought out a male partner.

I just don’t know how to form into words how your comment makes me feel. It’s just not very well articulated I guess.

That comes across a bit ‘My Dave’s not like that!’ The point is that many ‘Dave’s’ are, too bloody many. If that makes you feel unquieted and disturbed then that’s because it should.

Well that’s not what my comment said. You don’t get to put words in my mouth. I very specifically chose them and now you must deal with it!

I don't trust any man. Despite having no real trauma, despite all the male figures in my life being supportive and kind. Despite my gran openly wearing the trousers and my grandad appreciating her for it. I just don't trust any man. I feel it is as innate an urge as being afraid of snakes.

That comes across a bit ‘My Dave’s not like that!’ The point is that many ‘Dave’s’ are, too bloody many. If that makes you feel unquieted and disturbed then that’s because it should.

^ I read it that way too. Like well my situation is different so... But that's the whole point. You're safe as long as your Dave allows it.

PaulHeymanHairline · Today 05:52
I don't trust any man. Despite having no real trauma, despite all the male figures in my life being supportive and kind. Despite my gran openly wearing the trousers and my grandad appreciating her for it. I just don't trust any man. I feel it is as innate an urge as being afraid of snakes“

I wonder why, if that’s not been your personal experience?

@MrsSkylerWhite because I know what they are capable of. Maybe it's because my mum left my dad whilst pregnant, and he was abusive (although I didn't know this until I was older) the shadow of the dangerous, unsuitable man lurking in the background.

I find the quote annoying actually. It makes women sound pathetic. Our safety is all down to men.
I don't think it is, I look after myself. I live with a man, he is not responsible for my safety.

PaulHeymanHairline · Today 06:06
@MrsSkylerWhite because I know what they are capable of. Maybe it's because my mum left my dad whilst pregnant, and he was abusive (although I didn't know this until I was older) the shadow of the dangerous, unsuitable man lurking in the background.“

Interesting. Violent upbringing had the opposite effect on me. I determined no man was ever going to treat me that way. The vast majority of men I have known since have been good and I have no fear.