Can I write Tonight's Mail Article Please?
Mermaids in New Multi Dick Pic Shocker of Staff Member
This comes just days after the Children's Charity was hit by revelations of a Trustee associating with paedophiles.
Mermaids has been rocked by yet another scandal, just days after assuring the public that it was properly vetting its staff. It had admitted it had failed to check the background of Trustee Jacob Breslow, an academic in Child Studies at LSE and had relied on the reputation of his employer, after he was caught fratinising with paedos. The new explicit images bring further embarassment to the embattled organisation.
Darren Mew (in his 20s), the charities digital engagement officer with responsibility for moderating their forum where children meet with other children and adult staff, has been found plastered on the internet in what are being described as 'disturbing' images. One image features him in a baby pink and blue kit with the camera angle looking up his tartan adornment. The other, which we can not publish here, due to the Obscene Publications Act 1959, features a bleach blonde, naked Mew laid back surrounded by a Plethora of Peni.
A spokeswoman from the MN Feminist section said "WTAF ", whilst Owen Jones came out in support for Mew. He tweeted to accuse JKR of 'creating a second rate photoshop' which was 'maliciously hacked onto someone else account to destroy the career of an innocent queer'. He went further stating Rowling had deliberately put hateful messages in invisible ink in all her books which were influencing a generation of young minds in a terrifying way. Lush condemned the news and used the opportunity to annouce the launch a new range of rainbow coloured penis shaped bath bombs called 'vagina' with all proceeds going to support Stonewall. Ben Cohen of Pink News refused to comment and simply sat in the corner looking sheepish.
Mermaids have said they are "saddened by the revellation" and were not aware of any such images exisiting on the entire internet and that they "use safe search on all their computers to ensure safeguarding is complied with at all times". They said that the Charity Commission would vindict their position that the LGB Alliance were spearheading an organised and orchestrated campaign against them and all trans people. Their statement finished by saying that their offices would be closed tomorrow as they had a contractor coming to clean their hard drives following a targetted malicious computer virus attack from transphobic hate groups. They also confirmed that they had made a report to their mates down the Met for something, but they hadn't quite worked out what for or against whom yet. They are reviewing their procedures.
In underrelated news Chris Morris and Sacha Baron Cohen have put out a joint statement announcing their retirement from comedy, stating "With Great Sadness we regret to inform the public of our decision. There is no where left for satire to go, in this era of Cancel Culture".
We are getting beyond the realms where parody can walk. It really is like a scene from the last series of 'The Boys'. We have gone that far.
Its so fucking unbelieavbly awful.
People have stood by with all the red flag bunting cheering it on for YEARS. And are continue to do so.
Its now a game of seeing just who the last man standing supporting Mermaids will be and how few organisations that were part of this aren't sticking up their hands to say 'we helped fund this utter shit show' as part of their own sickening marketing strategies to boost sales. (Anyone up for a sweep stake on when OJ will reverse ferret?)
We aren't seeing businesses stand up and admit 'we properly fucked up here and regret ever being associated with this organisation'. They should be reminded of how their brand was linked with this charity.
Meanwhile children have been physically harmed after being drawn in like sailors to their doom by the lure of the siren's promises. And no one in all those political parties still seems to actually care.