Daughter off to uni, what should I tell her?

[Lovelyricepudding]

My unstreetwise, rather naive daughter is away to university in a big city. What do I need to tell her to keep her safe?

Find out if there’s a Safe Space on her campus. The Uni was at has just set up two 8pm-8am Safe Spaces where students can go, for example, in a MH crisis, during or after a night out if they feel they can’t get home safe/are being followed.

The SU also has a scheme where any student can get a taxi home for free, the bill goes onto the SU account and the student pays it back later.

Tell her to check if the Feminism group is “Intersectional” - if so, we all know what that fucking means.

Are any SU associated feminism groups safe? I presumed not!

The Lesbian groups aren’t, either, in my experience.

She went to a girls' school and lives in a small quiet safe town so a city will be a shock. And to be honest despite being on here, I feel quite naive too. We know previous 'escapes' when out and about like toilets are now a potential danger spot as mixed sex. That it is jarder than ever for girls to protect their personal boundaries.

Is it too late to suggest she does an apprenticeship instead? Racking up £50,000+ debt for a degree that may or may not lead to employment within her chosen field is something to consider. Many graduates are unable to find their "ideal" job that links to their degree. Only this evening I spent time with a lovely young woman who has an undergraduate and post graduate degree who now works in a call centre on minimum wage - such a waste..

If she goes out, to never leave her drink unattended.

And never to trust a drink that she hasn't seen poured.

Coming to agreements with friends about what to do if any of them fall unconscious while out (whether through drink or something more sinister), sticking together ought to be the main theme - never leave one of your friends on her own, this isn't just about being assaulted but it's also about the risk of being robbed or choking on vomit. Safety words too - "Ask for Angela" is a scheme in many bars.

One of the most important things she needs though is self-respect. You should instill in her that she only answers to one person - herself. She doesn't "have" to do anything for anyone unless she actually wants to do it. She doesn't owe anyone anything, regardless of if they were nice to her, or if they paid for dinner. There was a blog post a while ago by a young lesbian who had been guilt-tripped into sex by a transwoman mature student. Likewise she should beware of - and have the courage to say "no more" to - those who persist in buying her drinks, as it's easy to lose control when someone else insists on buying them.

This.
Also to set up a "round ring" with her friends so they all message each other to let each other know they have gotten home safe.

Tell her to find out about what student mental health support there is - counselling etc services

Definitely not to leave her drink unattended and not to leave separately and never to try and walk home (this is a recurring problem with mine, I now say I will reimburse any taxi if they can’t afford it). Be explicit about anal sex and the damage that can be caused. Tell them to wear condoms even if it makes you all deeply embarrassed.

Make a good group of friends and look out for each other.

That it is absolutely imperative to know that contraception doesn’t equal safe sex. A lot of young men (not just young, Tbf) will push to have sex - and oral sex - without a condom, trying the “But you’re on the pill, don’t you trust me?” argument. There are many worse things to catch than babies. I am a nurse and there is always an increase in std checks and positive results when Uni starts. Herpes in the mouth and throat, for example. A lot of kids are really naive about this.

Spiking of drinks is rife now. Easiest way to keep your drink safe is to buy a bottle and keep your thumb over the top when you are not drinking. My dd's friends seemed to have an automatic girl-code of never letting each other walk home alone etc. Sadly it is completely necessary.

That aside, agree with the comments about self-esteem, it's fine to say no at any time and in any scenario.

My dd is in 2nd year and absolutely loving it, I hope your dd does too!

Agree with drink spiking. It happened to me years ago. It’s worse now. I would go so far as to only order drinks if you watch the bottle or can bring opened. Stay in groups, never leave a drink and come back to it, never accept free drinks from strangers, form a pack and try and try and take turns with one dedicated sober person in the group. Also have “find my” app open on phone at all times & location services.

Unfortunately yes, too late. We did look last year but there wasn't one for her. Totally agree with this - many of my friends and relatives found themselves in this situation when they graduated in the 90's and there weren't tuition fees then.

Enjoy
have fun
make the most of it
remember I’m here any day, any time of day
be alert to risk but don’t let it dominate your thoughts
always get a taxi back if alone, always, and charge my Uber account

i love you

How safe are taxis on your own? Especially ones like Uber or minicabs?

On another thread there was a short discussion about men leaving their privilege behind by recognising it. But when young women can't work late at the library or pop round a friends in the evening without worrying about the journey home you realise there is no way men can leave privilege behind.

Look out for other girls when drinking. Dd has had friends hold her hair back in the loos and done the same for other girls. Watch the drinks of your fellow group and don't accept a free drink/food if a stranger brings it over.
Travel with others.
Have bus, train, taxi apps, Apple Pay/Android Pay downloaded. Register before you go out.
If you know where you're going, download apps for that place. Might be worth researching the area before you go out and times for last trains so you vaguely know when to leave if that's how you're travelling.
My dd has a don't lend money rule to prevent awkwardness later. She would swallow the cost of a cab or whatever but if someone came out then tried to scam her into paying for stuff then she'd fake not having much money herself.She doesn't want to end up having the reputation of being rich and subsidizing spongers.

Uber is pretty good.

get the app and you can track everything. Pick up, route, drop off

Op, she’s 18. What have you done to prepare her? How “un streetwise” and “naive” are we talking here?

Have a look if there are any street safe initiatives for the city - in Newcastle there is a womans street watch type organisation set up after Sarah Everards murder who are a massive presence across the city on Fri/Sat nights and help with all sorts.

Sadly I think some of the best advice is to 'be suspicious. Just don't take strangers, people on the streets etc at face value, and consider what their actual motivation might be/ move away from them. Don't engage with people on the streets eg voucher sellers. If someone comes to 'read the meter' stop and think if they are expected, have genuine documents, etc.

Look out for other girls when drinking. Dd has had friends hold her hair back in the loos and done the same for other girls

How about teaching our girls and lads to know their limits and not to get so pissed they puke? Both sexes are vulnerable when they're that drunk.

Keep her drink with her at all times.

I must admit that this was my reaction to that post. How can your DD not know that it is utterly ridiculous to get vomit drunk for a whole host of reasons, apart from simple self-respect.

To the OP, one of the most important things you can tell her is to enjoy a drink with her friends but not to the point of being drunk - this is when women are at their most vulnerable. Apart from it being massively expensive at a time when she is being loaded with debt.

Only just turned 18 and doesn't go out drinking nor do her current friends. That may well change at uni. A lot of becoming streetwise comes from experience in risky situations which she just hasn't been in.