Daughter off to uni, what should I tell her?

[Lovelyricepudding]

My unstreetwise, rather naive daughter is away to university in a big city. What do I need to tell her to keep her safe?

You can't force your ideology on your child. You have to be prepared for them to have different opinions to you. And be prepared to accept it.

Well quite, or anyone else. So you would agree that no one should be required to call a man who identifies as a woman 'she' or 'a woman' and that we should not be forced to accept them into our single sex spaces. Or teach in schools that gender ideology is anything other than regressive sexist nonsense? After all that is forcing us to accept your ideology. Or is it only your ideology that is allowed to be forced on my child?

They're your views, yours. They might not be hers. That's ok, you can still love her. And, like I said, she may choose to align her views with yours, and if that's a free and open choice then that's fine. That's her view.

But even if that happens trans men and trans women will still exist and have rights.

But even if that happens trans men and trans women will still exist and have rights.

I know. Transmen have the same rights as other women and transwomen have the same rights as other men. And the protected characteristic of gender reassignment means they must not be discriminated against compared to others of their own biological sex. Just like Muslim women have the same rights as other women. Not believing in Islam doesn't mean Muslim women cease to exist either.

Lots of practical advice here and I'm not sure this is all that helpful but off the top of my head:

Rape alarm
Self defence classes
Don't take drugs
No means no
Ignore materials about how you can earn money by 'donating' your eggs (found in freshers packs in U.K.)
Sex work is NOT work (see Leicester Uni 'toolkit, now removed and info from Nordic Model Now's Students for Sale even later this month)
Single sex spaces are protected by law and you cannot change your sex
You do not have to 'be kind'
Maintain your boundaries, be guarded against anyone who tries to suggest this is old fashioned, uncool, uptight or 'frigid'
Trust your instincts, people need to earn her trust - anything that's sounds dodgy, dangerous or illegal probably is
Always have enough money or a means to come home and she can come home whenever she likes

The drinking and going out may not be much of a concerns at first if she is naturally quite introverted and enjoys her own company but should she venture out (to have fun, which I hope she does!) to stay in a group and always have a way of getting home safely (save taxi firm numbers in her phone) and a phone bank to charge her phone.

It's really sad to be having to think about all this but it's a reality women are faced with, young men have some of these things to consider but not to the same extent.

But you also seem to assume I have indoctrinated my daughter. When what I mean is I hope I have instilled in her the ability to think about things critically, to follow arguments to their logical conclusion and see where they go. To listen to more than one voice. To go back to sources and ask for evidence. And if someone produces a study to read it properly including conflicts of interest and funding declarations. To be very sceptical if someone or a group appears to be above criticism or have different rules applied to them. Any to ask why? if they tried to silence others.

A daughter of yours is going to be just fine OP. Commons sense, critical thinking, reality-based scenarios and knowledge of the laws and rights in the U.K.

If she has even just the basics she'll be ok as she can think for herself.

Doesn’t make sense

My assumption is that you have felt you have been preparing your daughter by endlessly discussing and debating “issues”

rather than actually preparing and helping her for moving out and onwards

Call anytime

Come home anytime

if you fail, fail safely.

(and my credit card attached to her Uber, for emergencies)

God my mum was always happy if she'd managed to 'instil' a good meal in me before I went out 😂.

Don't be so uptight OP - your daughter is going out into the big wide world where she will experience all the amazing things life has to offer. She will hear all types of views about all sorts of things. That is the whole point of uni.

At some point she will even possibly hold views about lots of different things that are not the same as your views. But that's ok, because you've done your job and she is going to take it from here.

You will be there in the background to answer her calls and act as a sounding board and give advice if it is asked.

To be fair I still sent messages to my kids with unasked for advice all the time. I'm sure you'll text her reminding her to charge her phone, and take money for a taxi. She will roll her eyes but I'm sure she will do it too - just like mine did.

Oh and that's a great idea about the Uber. I definitely would have done that with my two, had it been a thing.

Don't get legless during freshers week/ before you have a solid group of friends that you know you can trust.
Watch out for guys in other years taking part in 'fuck a fresher' as these guys are grim as.

She doesn't have to say yes to anything just because she doesn't want to be rude. Being rude is okay.

Go out in a group - don't leave anyone behind.

😂😂😂

I'm assuming you weren't thrown by my misplaced apostrophes (my phone is a real pain for 'autocorrecting' these and getting them wrong). So I presume your confusing is around two individuals sharing the same space and communicating face to face without the aid of technology? I know amazing huh?

I have instilled in her the ability to think about things critically, to follow arguments to their logical conclusion and see where they go.

just like you op, eh? 😂

Sadly though - you don’t seem to have instilled much in the way of being prepared of this huge move.

I’m imagining lots of very earnest discussions about “issues” and not much else.

I don't understand the advice not to walk alone at night.

Why not?

Uni lecturer here. I'd tell her just to look for friends she feels happy with - loads of students now don't drink for example - and make sure that if there is anything that's bothering her to let a trusted tutor know. I get told a LOT. I keep it private, I signpost to help, I listen. The students who get into the most trouble are the ones who don't talk.

Why not?

Cos it's impractical. How would she get home from the library, her part time job, seeing friends.

Seriously. Do all young women walk in pairs/packs or get a taxi. That must be unaffordable for many.

@aDayattheLido are you seriously suggesting that women haven’t been doing this for decades? Of course it’s expensive and inconvenient. I’m amazed you don’t know this.

Some women, yes. We've been frightened to death of bogeyman. But the vast majority of attacks on women are done by people they know. So women go about their lives taking sensible precautions which doesn't mean never walk alone after dark.

@aDayattheLido I think it’s very unusual to walk around at night by yourself if you are female, rather than your perception that seems to be the opposite.

To someone upthread, I think debating important issues with teenagers is an important part of their growing up and independence. It's not instead of.

Anyway, on a more practical front. I work in a uni and single sex spaces still exist, but they will have an inclusive toilet alongside male and female. I think most schools have this too, but guessing she wouldn't have had that in her single sex school.

If she's likely to get lost easily, I would walk with her through the route of getting from flat to uni. It might be on bus, but might be on foot. She should probably take a few bus trips now if that isn't something she's really done before. On our city buses, you pay with contactless on your card, no need to have the relevant bus app or change.

Try lots of clubs and societies. If she is doing an arts course like I did, there are v few teaching hours, all my friends came from clubs or people I met in flats in first year.

So women go about their lives taking sensible precautions which doesn't mean never walk alone after dark.

Totally agree. I went to a northern uni where in the winter it got dark at around 4pm and if I had an early lecture it was dark when I woke up.
Totally impractical to live in fear of walking around by yourself in the dark.

Really? How many women do you know? Where do you live? I live in a university city where we have women and girls walking and running on their own at all times of the day and night. As far as I'm aware we don't have a high level of assaults and attacks. Are you suggesting that women should never go out at night on their own?