Daughter off to uni, what should I tell her?

[Lovelyricepudding]

My unstreetwise, rather naive daughter is away to university in a big city. What do I need to tell her to keep her safe?

Ok so not to go out drinking does not mean she’s naive or streetwise.

Does she socialising? Alone without you? On public transport?

Does she drink or tee total

Don't live your life scared.

Enjoy your time at uni, but not everything has to revolve around drinking.

The friends you make now can be friends for life.

You are going to be paying for your education for decades, make sure your results are worth the price.

Try new things, eat new foods, travel.

Son's experience - photograph any flat she moves into when she goes into it and when she has tidied when she leaves so the landlord can't deduct unreasonable expenses from the deposit!

Another vote for this - don't get so drunk that you lose control / consciousness.

Also, be careful & watchful, but don't let fear dominate your life. Learn to trust your instincts.

Currently tee total (no evidence of drinking with friends). Not interested so I am not going to coerce her but I don't ban her. We are just not a family who drinks.

She does use public transport but a small town where pretty much everyone knows everyone is different to a large city on her own. Perhaps I undersell her knowledge but what should I make sure she knows?

You've got an entire thread of advice OP and you've reasked your question.

The only thing she really needs to know is that she can come home at any time and she can call you at any time for anything.

She's still young but it's time to let her make her way, the kid you send to uni this month will not be the same young woman she will be at Christmas. Tell her you trust her implicitly and that you are proud of her and you'll always be there as a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on.

In terms of large city transport

• Portable charger
• 2 cables for her phone in case one decided to break
• The ability to sharply elbow in the ribs men who feel the need to press their tiny semi ons into her bum/back (depending on both of their heights)
• Location on at all times on her phone
• Tile or similar for her keys
• Not trendy and I was old as balls when I went to Uni, but I had a rucksack with lots of pockets inside for keys/phone/pens etc as they’re harder to steal from

Bus pass is a must - but check if an adult 28 day ticket is cheaper than the eye watering academic year student passes, it was on mine. A physical one, not one on her phone, in case it dies. If it’s exact fare only, make sure she has that in case she loses her pass

Honestly if you haven’t instilled all this in her already all you’ll do is scare the pants of her now.

if she doesn’t drink then most of the advice here just doesn’t apply. Based on my own experience, I would tell her:

If you end up out late alone, don’t be a cheapskate and get a taxi

try not to end up out late alone in the first place, stick with your mates

be very aware of pick pockets/phone snatchers when out and about.

have fun and dont be afraid to try new things :)

Travel and drink are obvious concerns and thankyou for the tips. But I remember when I was at uni girls got exploited by boys in other ways too (never saw it the other way round). There were a good few acquaintances who got into relationships where they were controlled/expected to be at the beck and call of boyfriends. In every case their studies suffered and at least two got thrown out of uni for failing to turn up/work/pass exams.

Also there is the concern of transideology embedded in unis. I hope I have taught her enough to not be sucked in but how prevalent is it among the student population? How much are girls being coerced to risk having men in their spaces by other students? Is this a loud but tiny minority?

Hm. Stuff I wish I’d known…

Always eat before drinking alcohol.

A slim small girl should not try to keep up with the pace rugby players are drinking at. Drink slow and switch to soft drinks after 2-3 alcoholic drinks.

Men will say they love you just to get sex. This does not mean they care about you at all.

Do not let a man into your room when you’re alone unless you want to sleep with him. To some men, opening your front door = consent to sex.

Go to Freshers’ Fair, sign up to try lots of different clubs, and use them to find your crowd. You don’t have to go to the pub you can instead join air cadets and learn to fly, or sing in choirs etc.

Plus what everyone else said re drink spiking.

I suspect from all the feminist threads you appear in OP, this is a case where there’s been a lot of navel gazing about “important issues” but not actually much byway of ensuring your 18 year old daughter is prepared to head off to uni

If she gets a taxi by herself, tell her to ring someone, anyone or just pretend and say very loudly 'I'm just getting in the taxi now and will be home in 10 mins'

So the taxi driver knows she's expected home.

My advice would be mainly to have lots of fun. She needs to find her own boundaries and stick to them which is all part of growing up.

No wonder there are such high levels of anxiety among young people.

Don't talk to anyone you don't know.
Sit all night clutching your glass or bottle in case someone dopes it.
Be prepared at all times for a MH crisis.
Condoms for oral sex...(sorry, my mind boggles at the thought)
Never walk anywhere after dark.

This is not healthy or helpful.

Nuts isn't it? I went from a rural village in Norfolk, the absolute back end of beyond, to living in central London. And I was 17, because I took my A Levels early. Somehow, I survived. And thank god my mother didn't take it upon herself fill my head with fear and ideologies before I left. She told me I was loved. I was clever. I could do this. And I would always always be welcome at home whenever I wanted to come back. She gave me confidence and the safety of the knowledge that she would always be there for me if I needed her. And that allowed me to fly.

Because we all do stupid things when we're young, and it's important to be prepared for that time when we (or one of our friends) loses control and needs help.

Somehow, I survived. And thank god my mother didn't take it upon herself fill my head with fear and ideologies before I left.
I think you might have been grateful had you been one of the less fortunate who do get their drinks spiked or injected or get assaulted. Dd graduated a year ago and would never drink a drink left unattended. She works in a bar and is fairly feisty.

OP, I suggest you watch I May Destroy you with your daughter

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/m000jyxy/i-may-destroy-you

It covers practically everything your daughter needs to know about drugs, alcohol, rape, bad sex and predatory men — and it also shows how important female friends and female support is.

Condoms

As well as the all important alcohol messages above… (wishing my mum had communicated some of this to me!)

Also - cannabis might not be as fun and friendly as it’s image might suggest… oh and watch out for the ‘friend’ that never has her wallet, and never pays you back and never has enough money for the gas bill and who may not care if you end up in (more) debt!

Those things can and will still happen to women, despite all warnings. How do you know I didn't have any of those things happen to me? Trust me some have. And they would have whether my mother warned me or not.

Somehow, I survived. And thank god my mother didn't take it upon herself fill my head with fear and ideologies before I left

I never wore a seat belt and I survived - thank God my mother didn't fill my head with fear and ideologies before I drove.

Except she did, just different ideologies. Ones where it is OK to drive without a seat belt.

Your life may revolve around social media but mine doesn't. It may surprise you to learn that most parents interaction's with their daughters is not via mumsnet.