If your child has come out as trans what are you doing?

[Eatingchips]

I suppose I am interested in this because 3 years ago my DD suggested she might be trans and it is ongoing.

She says that some days she feels like a boy and some days she feels like a girl. She considers herself non binary and has the pronouns they/them - she/her and he/him and wants all 3 used interchangeably. She has given herself a male name but we don’t use that because a diminutive of her actual name is unisex/male and I have always mainly called her the diminutive name anyway so we have stuck to that.

She has all her life been gender non conforming whatever that means or an old school tomboy and coming from that experience myself I have always whole heartedly embraced that aspect of her.

She has some trauma in her past. She also has many traits of ASD which are becoming more pronounced as she gets older and a diagnosed sibling and another sibling likely to have ASD as well.

She is fully out in school and this is rife in her friend group.

My main focus at the moment is to embrace what she says in order not to alienate her. She feels how she feels and since that isn’t rational I’m trying to meet her where she is at. I have told her that we will support her no matter what and no matter where this journey takes her but I have discussed the perils of the medicalisation of trans people and how it is unlikely that anyone who could recover psychologically if they despised their body all their lives no matter how much surgery or treatment they had. I explained to her that the brain operates on patterns of thought and just because you change your body if you continuously have patterns of thought hating your body then most likely it will take an incredible effort to shift your brain from those patterns of thought even if you’ve changed your body. That seems to have helped her to make peace with her body as it is at the moment because in many ways she is a very rational person.

But it is an incredibly tricky path and we are very reluctant to involve psychologists or medical professionals given the culture of the moment. What are others doing? I’d love to hear from other parents in a similar situation.

Lovely to hear that your daughter found her own way.

Completely understand what you are saying. In that being trans was potentially associated with a whole load of other issues and you had to choose which to challenge.

Woman's Hour have covered these issues extensively and reported from both sides i.e. parents whose kids went through transitions and were happy with it and those who didn't.

Personally I objected to being called a 'transphobe' which I am definitely not.

For comparison I actually know of one parent (not a friend of mine) - who, when their DD aged fifteen told them they defined themselves as a lesbian the parents response was that 'they would burn in hell'.

Compared to that response - I (and others on here) am in the area of the surpremely tolerant, understanding, compassionate and endlessly patient parents - may I suggest.

Even though the grammar in that last sentence was appalling, I admit. 😀

Exactly this. In my case it was my son, not daughter, but getting him in the real world and away from the online influences helped him realise that he wasn’t trans, just gay. (Although he’s bisexual now!)

Yes getting dd out of the house, off the laptop and away from the toxic school environment was key. Once she had a space where she could be herself and not "unlike the majority of girls in the school year" so forced to align herself with the "trans group" she realised for herself that she was who she was, autistic and female and probably lesbian.

I'm a feminist tired of reading so much shit aimed at trans kids and their parents. Surely if you haven't experienced it you should at least butt out of this one single thread. There are thousands out there talking about your intolerance for it, go join one of those.

Boards are grouped by subject, not by the people posting on them. So this is a board for 'feminism', not 'feminists'.

I will not accept anyone telling me to 'butt out', how bloody rude. And as far as intolerance, you're the one swearing and insulting people.

I would suggest the person saying we aren't caring parents was rude, so saying piss off felt pretty reasonable.

Seems like only one type of feminism is accepted here. On mumsnet it's pretty much always one or two trans parents with a whole bunch of people telling them how wrong they are, which is exactly what's happening here.

I'll bugger off and unwatch the thread, since it's exactly the same as every other thread on the feminism boards.. How dull and negative.

I would suggest the person saying we aren't caring parents was rude, so saying piss off felt pretty reasonable.

Seems like only one type of feminism is accepted here. On mumsnet it's pretty much always one or two trans parents with a whole bunch of people telling them how wrong they are, which is exactly what's happening here.

I'll bugger off and unwatch the thread, since it's exactly the same as every other thread on the feminism boards.. How dull and negative.

That's because we're on the feminist board; you can expect discussion via a feminist lens.

I'm sure if you were less hostile, insulting and sneery, people would be happy to engage, but up to you.

I started this thread on the feminist board because I am a feminist and my daughter is identifying as trans. My own views are GC.

I do wish that noone felt the way I have, and friends of mine have, about the bodies they're born into. It's not something to take lightly, it's not something anyone should wish for, or want to become a part of. I haven't met a single trans or gender queer person who hasn't wished they were ok in their own skin. Not because we feel it's bad or wrong to be trans - but because we shouldn't have to go through any of this to feel happy and comfortable and so on.

This is the part that I don’t understand. Trans-people say that they have a hard time, and wish they weren’t trans ( which I can understand) so why does there seem to be such a push to increase trans numbers?

Eating you have every right to post here and from what I can tell you were looking for a feminist view point? Obviously you know that some feminists here are GC so I assume expected a mixed bag of comments.

I think it was wrong for the other poster to tell women to leave your thread as they felt your thread should only have comments that affirm gender ideology.

Actually I think the complaints are not so much about people expressing GC perspectives but more about comments about sub standard parenting. Plenty of posters with trans children have shared some fairly GC perspectives themselves as I expected here and certainly no one has been happily on board with medicalising the issue.

To be honest it doesn’t matter to me personally what people think of my parenting I’m not remotely sensitive after some fairly resilience building parenting experiences over the last decade but other parents rightly find those implications offensive.

I dont think any of the "caring parent" comments were aimed at you OP. I think for many people parents who encourage/support affirming surgeries on young people can't possibly be caring. I am not saying they are right just that they can express that view I suppose.

@risefromyourgrave That is interesting and I’ve experienced similar with my DD (17). How she identifies now is very different to how she identified at 14/15-which is why I feel that any decisions regarding surgery and hormones should be made when the individual is an adult, certainly not under 18. Teenagers are exploring their identities and sexuality, and their feelings can change massively.

My DD wouldn’t consider surgery or breast binding now.

personally I'm finding it useful as a loving supportive but totally GC parent the juggernaut can leave you floundering and horrified when it hits

Oh great, now I'm having random posts from this thread deleted. 2 days after I posted them.

Not the original one that offended someone, but others where I have clarified my point. Awesome.

Another GC parent of a trans-identifying child here. I was in the ‘be kind’ camp when my daughter announced she was a boy and it floored me. We had 2 very difficult years and now she has sort of socially transitioned. She hasn’t been attending school for this time (autism and social anxiety). We use her chosen name and pronouns at home. She knows I will not support any form of medical transition as she is a child. She can pursue that if she wants as an adult and living in her own place. My daughter was the opposite of gender non-conforming as a young child and even now makes very little effort to appear boyish other than to wear a binder to go to the shops once every 2 weeks. I think though her ideal ‘boy’ is the androgynous/mysterious Japanese anime sort. She has had a girlfriend but also seems to like boys so might be gay or bi.

Dwarf my daughter is quite similar in some aspects - has had a relationship with one of her female friends, loves her anime, some ASD traits. She also adores dinosaurs and marvel. Some of her best friends are boys and she seems interested in them too although maybe not romantically, it isn’t clear.

My husband and I have spent a lot of time with her, as has her sister, trying to cultivate an interest in other aspects of her identity like her interest in sports and being fun and playful and drawing, and also an interest in her own personal appearance etc and it has taken the focus off the trans stuff to allow her to incorporate that as an aspect of her identity rather than her full identity which it started as. By not going to battle with her on the trans stuff she is embracing all of this other stuff and she seems happy, genuinely happy.

@howdoesatoastermaketoast that was what I was hoping for.

My DD coming out as trans has been a huge deal especially for her but for me the biggest kick in the teeth was that my daughter was feeling lonely and isolated from us as her parents. We have had a lot of family stuff to deal with over the last number of years and I’ve come to a point where all I want to do is help my children learn how to keep themselves happy and content for the most part in their own lives.

That is why like most parents on here I’m not trying to control the outcome of the situation or attempting to impose my GC views on a child who was to be seen and understood at a deep level.

What an interesting thread, thank you so much for sharing your experiences

I think we get so used to people posting in bad faith here that we forget posters are real people. I was very sorry to read the attack on poster’s parenting and pleased that the thread survived it

That was a really good post Little. It really gives a good insight into the ongoing issues that trans people face in life.

My genuine hope is that my daughter settles in this incongruence she experiences without surgery or medication or modifications. For me personally that is what I feel is the best outcome for her. However I am glad to be reminded that for some this won’t be a “phase” and that I need to be mentally prepared for that. Literally from dot she has been really gender non confirming so this isn’t a case of rapid onset gender dysphoria.

Your post has been incredibly helpful.

That is why like most parents on here I’m not trying to control the outcome of the situation or attempting to impose my GC views on a child who was to be seen and understood at a deep level.

I have two children who are 'gender non conforming' in various ways. They are both too young to have been exposed to much in the way of 'trans' ideas - but given that I'm aware of these issues, I've both prepared them to encounter these ideas as much as I can, and I've done my best to steer them away from anything that might risk exposing them to ideas like sex being a 'spectrum' or something that can be changed.

Much in the same way I have discussed religion with them - in what I hope is a non-judgemental way, but also let them know that some religions do try to recruit and manipulate vulnerable people.

I do worry they may decide at some point that their non-conformity makes them trans. Because to me, it's a highly risky path.

That's not about imposing my views on a child - other than my views are that my children should be healthy, happy, and content with their bodies and that I will do as much as I can to ensure that.

I wouldn't discuss my feminist ideas with my children unless they asked, much as I don't discuss my religious beliefs (or lack thereof) unless it comes up or is directly pertinent.

I understand that there are some children who have intense gender dysphoria, and who may even be what we think of as 'trans' later in life. However, I think this is a truly tiny cohort, a very rare issue, and far less frequent than current narratives are suggesting.

Most children are just confused easily, credulous, and vulnerable to manipulation. As they get to teenagerhood, peer influence increases, and therefore they are more at risk of believing things that take hold within their peer group. These may not be at all based on evidence or reason. Thus many children who question stereotypes, or maybe are non-conforming, whatever that means, are at risk of being told by peers, or various groups or bodies, that they are 'trans' or should adopt an identity based on their non-adherence to arbitrary stereotypes.

As we know, the vast majority of children who are gender ... what's the latest term ... gender questioning? Will not turn out to be trans. And for those children, absolutely no interference or intervention is necessary, of course, other than support to explore notions of 'gender' and social stereotypes - and later maybe sexual orientation - without judgement or anxiety.