How to react re children telling you about trans friends

[plainwhitecheese]

Dd14 tells me she's going out tomorrow, I ask who, she tells me (I've changed names) Lucy, Beth, Sarah and Josh

I know of the girls but ask who is josh

She says oh it's my mate who you know as Laura, he's trans and goes by Josh

So. I feel bad because I feel like 20 years ago people were dismissive of people being gay etc and I don't want to be ignorant and transphobic. But, much against how I wish I felt, I find it hard to stop my eyes rolling a bit.

I don't want to be ignorant, and bigoted. It almost feels to me like the pure amount of people proclaiming to be trans almost makes a mockery out of those with genuine body dismorphia. Or do I just need to get a grip and realise it's not up to me to feel a certain way about how people identify

[Imsittinginthekitchensink]

Just breeze past, "Cool, sounds fun" - I wouldn't enter into discussion about it. I have spoken to DD specifically about some issues, but I try not to go heavy into it. I have done, twas not my finest hour.

[DockOTheBay]

For something like that i would just say "OK have fun". If she starts asking questions that's when it gets a bit more complicated I suppose.

[plainwhitecheese]

Yes I think that's the best plan

[ComtesseDeSpair]

In the basis that I think a lot of the current fad will die away once gender identity ceases to be the way to make oneself special and interesting, I wouldn’t say much at all. Just treat it the same way as if she’d said her friend was a goth or whatever.

[Afterfire]

Don’t enter into any discussion. You don’t want to fall out with your dd about this and it isn’t your battle to be had - if they’re her friends that’s all that matters. My dd aged 19 has a whole group of trans friends and I just embrace it and go with it, we chat openly about it all but without judgement. Her Nan and Grandad have been very judgemental about it all and as a result she hardly speaks to them now. There’s no way I’m risking that happening to me!

[MidCenturyClegs]

If you ever get goaded about potential 'boomer t3rf views' (say she caught you eye-rolling) just state that you've been thinking that because you don't identify with male or female stereotypes you think you're non-binary.
If all middle-aged women who don't dress as a Kardashian ID-ed as such the whole pack of cards would come crashing down.

[plainwhitecheese]

@Afterfire

Don’t enter into any discussion. You don’t want to fall out with your dd about this and it isn’t your battle to be had - if they’re her friends that’s all that matters. My dd aged 19 has a whole group of trans friends and I just embrace it and go with it, we chat openly about it all but without judgement. Her Nan and Grandad have been very judgemental about it all and as a result she hardly speaks to them now. There’s no way I’m risking that happening to me!

Thank you. Yes, I will just go with it

[Delphinium20]

I've said a few times, "Wow, trans is really trending isn't it?"

I'm still on the fence where this flippant comment lands...w/ my oldest DD, I can have nuanced conversation about this topic (she has her own sense of snark, and we've hit an early adult phase of our relationship), w/ my early teen DD, it's more about not appearing shocked nor stern. Frankly, with how many kids are claiming some kind of NB, gender fluid or trans identity, I'm no longer shocked. I'm now at the parent stage of, "this is getting boring, does no one get caught shoplifting, doing drugs or winning the lottery any more?"

[MrsOvertonsWindow]

I agree with everyone else. We listen. In my experience, the questions will come (usually when driving) but it's really helpful if we initially just accept what they tell us.
Having said all that, I'd be quite vigilant and keep an eye on how daughter is reacting. As long as it's just acceptance that's great. If it's worrying fangirling and she starts to get caught up in it all, then that becomes more difficult.

It's being vigilant but not paranoid.

[Sprogonthetyne]

With the same indifference as if Laura was now calling herself Lau-zer to try to reinvent herself (in my teens nicknames were almost always changing the end of your name to either zz or zer, there way a lot of parent eye roles)

[IstayedForTheFeminism]

"Oh ok. Have fun" it's all it needs really.
DS1 had a couple of transboys friends at secondary. Although we didn't know them when they were "living as girls".
Other than reminding him that they can get pregnant if they got into a relationship with him* (they are all 16+) I've never mentioned it. If he says he's going to meet Leo (not real name) I ask if they had a nice Time. Same as I would with any other friend.

And I'm very openly GC at home.

*actually i did tell him I found the number of girls rejecting being female sad, but that was a general thing really.

[Cheekymaw]

"Twenty years ago people were dismissive of people being gay"

Where did you live,OP? Saudi Arabia ? Not here they weren't. Certainly not in my very average working class area and in my public sector job. Can't recall them being dismissive to the guy in my mum's cleaning job who lived with his male partner either .
As for this , smile and say that's nice to your daughter . Neither encourage nor dismiss. Be aware it's a whole different kettle of fish and you might have to have the "humans can't change biological sex" chat. Watch out for binders. Transgender Trend are you friends.

[Cheekymaw]

Sorry my head is mince ,you have a son. Binders not such a concern for you. Make sure you discuss same sex spaces and how to promote safety and dignity for DS's female pals .

[Plasmodesmata]

"That's nice dear".

[Eightiesfan]

OP, I completely agree with the ridiculous number of school aged children (and adults) who have self-identified as trans. I also think it’s insulting to those who have body dysmorphia as they are treating being trans as a fashion accessory.

[IstayedForTheFeminism]

@Cheekymaw

Sorry my head is mince ,you have a son. Binders not such a concern for you. Make sure you discuss same sex spaces and how to promote safety and dignity for DS's female pals .

OP has a daughter

[SmiledWtherisingsun]

"That's nice dear"

[skyeisthelimit]

Every day DD comes home and says "guess who is bisexual now", "guess who has decided they are a boy and wants to be known as *Bob" .

DD is 14 and out of her extended group of friends of say 10 girls, she is the only one who has not declared herself gay/trans/non-binary/bisexual. They have labelled DD Asexual as she doesn't fancy anyone. I told her that she does not need a label.

Two of her female friends are identifying as boys, have adopted male names and are dating each other. Previously they would have been lesbians, but now they are trans men. The whole thing blows my mind.

[pastaandpesto]

@Eightiesfan

OP, I completely agree with the ridiculous number of school aged children (and adults) who have self-identified as trans. I also think it’s insulting to those who have body dysmorphia as they are treating being trans as a fashion accessory.

I agree with this and I am baffled about where the adults are in schools on this issue.

DS(14) is GC and would be eyerolling. He says is is absolutely a fad that is largely driven by seeking attention/wanting to fit in whilst simultaneously being unique. That said, he gets absolutely incensed by homophobia and racism and I think would be very compassionate to anyone who was clearly genuinely struggling with their sexed body.

DD(11) very much wants to be kind and I am very careful with what I say to her. When she asks about trans issues I always express complete support/sympathy for the individual children (which is easy, because that is generally what I feel - these are innocent kids), while opening up the idea that some children may seek refuge in a trans identity in response to something else (mental health, autism, rejection of gender stereotypes, god forbid abuse etc) and that perhaps these children would be best supported in the long term by exploring some of these things too, rather than hoping that being trans will alone fix everything. I am also gently firm on the fact that you can't literally change sex. So far all seems to be well and she hasn't branded me a raging terf. I am very careful though.

That being said, this is only when I've been asked. If one of them mentioned a trans friend in passing I would smile and nod unless there was a sleepover with a transgirl but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it

[Harridan1981]

I don't address it at all, I just say ok and move on.

On the rare occasion the conversation gets deeper I have asked her whether she thinks xyz is a boy or a girl etc. All the friends this applies to so far are F2M. So I'd just say "what do you think, is John actually a boy?"

[mummywithtwokidsplusdog]

My daughter was bullied out of her friendship group for being ‘straight’ …. I am very sympathetic to people who have genuine feelings of not being in the ‘right’ body for them but no tolerance for this being treated as some kind of fashionable ‘thing’ to do. My younger child is very ‘woke’ so I do have to bite my tongue a lot…. I regularly question out loud why people want certain ‘labels’ when I was brought up not to label anyone?!

[Harridan1981]

The only time I was a little more emphatic was when she and a friend told me John's mum was 'transphobic' cause she wasn't helping her 11 yr old get a binder.

[SpiderVersed]

Nod, smile, don’t engage. It’s fruitless.

[Weefreetiffany]

Do you think if you’re bisexual and non binary the two cancel each other out. So nonsexual?

[teawamutu]

Ds1 knows my views well and so mentioned his friend Sally (at an all boys school) while giving me a bit of side eye.

Righto, I said.