How to react re children telling you about trans friends

[plainwhitecheese]

Dd14 tells me she's going out tomorrow, I ask who, she tells me (I've changed names) Lucy, Beth, Sarah and Josh

I know of the girls but ask who is josh

She says oh it's my mate who you know as Laura, he's trans and goes by Josh

So. I feel bad because I feel like 20 years ago people were dismissive of people being gay etc and I don't want to be ignorant and transphobic. But, much against how I wish I felt, I find it hard to stop my eyes rolling a bit.

I don't want to be ignorant, and bigoted. It almost feels to me like the pure amount of people proclaiming to be trans almost makes a mockery out of those with genuine body dismorphia. Or do I just need to get a grip and realise it's not up to me to feel a certain way about how people identify

I don't have a problem if Laura wants to known as Josh. That's none of my business. Laura can ask to be known as Fairy Toadstool if she likes.

If my DD said "and this means Josh IS now a man" then I would tell her I disagreed with that.

Our two are sick of the constant LGBTQ stuff that's rammed down their throats at school. They don't have any trans friends but most of their female friends claim to be bisexual or lesbians (generally when they're between boyfriends).

It’s not about rejecting being female, it’s about being who you actually are if you’re trans you have a male brain and a female body because in the womb the brain forms first

Why would you disagree?

How does that work for detransitioners then?

This is unscientific nonsense. There is no such thing as a female brain in a male body. Any and every brain in a male body is a male brain. Ffs.

Good grief, do people really believe this nonsense? I thought Stonewall had dispensed with the ‘born in the wrong body’ narrative?

OP, my two young adults were completely mired in this stuff up until about a year ago. And the 18-20yos I work with think it’s all hilarious bullshit. It seems to be something that is only fashionable now among the tweens and early-mid teens.

Gosh, do you have any scientific sources for this?

I don't disagree that a girl could feel like they're a boy. The reason for that though is probably because society has conditioned us to believe boys feel a certain way and should like certain things likewise with girls. And so a girl that does not fit into society's version of ' girl' and instead likes having cropped hair and wrestling, then feels she must actually be a boy.

How does it work if a child transitions at a single sex school? Is Sally allowed to stay or will they be moved to a girls school if they decide they are now a girl? Never thought about that before.

Is it?

What is a male brain and how is it different from a female one?
What tests are done to determine which brain you have?
At what point are these tests carried out and who pays for this? Is it on the NHS?

That's nice dear is as far as I'd go right now. You need to keep the lines of communication open. You also (I'm sure you already have) need to be very, very clear about sexual education though. There was a horrifying post on here where a DD thought she couldn't get pregnant if she slept with a transgirl- she had completely bought into TWAW. Keep asking who people are!

But going back to the thread. How do you react? Partly depends on the age of the children in question.
But mostly I would say, if you haven't already discussed this in a sensitive and age appropriate way you may be too late to have a balanced conversation.
If you already have spoken about this you won't be caught off balance. You can ask how they are, you can ask what time they'll be back, you can ask what they want for tea.
Don't make this the first time you speak to your kids about gender ideology.

I always find it strange that if you feel that you identify more with boys that your friendship group doesn’t naturally evolve to spending more time with those that you feel you have some commonality with. I can only speak from limited experience but whereas the transgirls seem keen to be one of the girls, not to so much the transboys. Maybe I’m wrong.

Best to ignore for now, OP. Hopefully it will just be a phase for your daughters friend - from the observations my husband has made (teacher for 25 years) when they stop receiving the attention they crave, most simply grow out of it.

If your daughter starts asking more questions I would be keen to highlight that true gender dysphoria is a mental illness.

It’s not about rejecting being female, it’s about being who you actually are if you’re trans you have a male brain and a female body because in the womb the brain forms first

Are you an acquaintance of PC Gul of Humberside Police?

I’d say very little. Cool and breezy.

My teen DD had a female friend who went from non-binary to trans to proud and definitely female lesbian all in the space of 3 years.

I had general conversations with my DD when the topic came up, so she knows I’m gender critical and that regardless I think teens are too young to be making these big, life changing decisions. But I never mentioned her friend directly while the whole trans thing was playing out.

I did use her coming out as a lesbian to talk more broadly about being a teenager, identity and sexuality, and about gender as a construct. So that was good .

How does that work with NBs? Don't they have a brain?
Or gender fluid people like Pip/Pippa Bunce and Eddie Izzard? Do they have 2 brains? Or one that's half and half?

If its girl brains and boy brains why don't we do brain scans on people who think they are trans rather than this constant debate on watchful waiting vs affirmation.
Counselling vs puberty blockers etc etc.

I had loads of "friendship groups" as a teen. Most were mixed sex.
My teens friendship groups are mixed sex too so switching friendship groups isn't/wasn't needed.

Gosh, I never knew this was how it worked!
I thought it started from a single cell that had XY or XX chromosomes and everything developed from there.

So, how do the body and brain choose whether to be male or female? Do they have a chat about it and decide together, or does the body wait for a bit and see what the brain is doing before it decides, or is it like playing rock, paper scissors and they choose at the same time? Then a bit later they're like 'OMG, I can't believe you chose different from me!', or 'well fancy that, we both chose the same!'

Why hasn't anyone ever noticed that brains and bodies can have different sexes? Why don't they do a test on all newborn babies and let the parents know if the brains and bodies match?

This is absolutly fascinating!!

Dismorphia should have been dysphoria

That’s not quite true if you look at recent research done on transgender brains.

Brain activity and structure in transgender adolescents more closely resembles the typical activation patterns of their desired gender, according to findings to be presented in Barcelona, at the European Society of Endocrinology annual meeting, ECE 2018. These findings suggest that differences in brain function may occur early in development and that brain imaging may be a useful tool for earlier identification of transgenderism in young people.
www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/05/180524112351.htm

So basically the MRI brain scan of a transboy who identifies as a girl more closely matches the MRI brain scan of a nontrans girl than a no trans boy.
And vice versa.

Why hasn't anyone ever noticed that brains and bodies can have different sexes?

History has had many people expressing the feeling that they have the mind or spirit of the opposite sex. There was even a Roman emperor, Eglabulus (sp?) who insisted he be called Empress/Lady and sought to have feminising surgery.

No, you misunderstand. Is 5ft 1in a male height or a female height? Does a man who is 5ft 1in tall have a female height? Does a woman who is 6ft 3in have a male height? No. Think about why.

If a trans person has a feature on a brain scan that is slightly more often found in those of the opposite sex, it doesn't mean they have a differently sexed brain. It means that the particular feature is found in more brains of the transperson's sex than previously found. Brains are plastic, development is shaped by environment from the moment a brain is formed. Features seen on brain scans are not binary, nor even a spectrum. They are a mosaic, each brain is unique. No one can look at a brain scan or brain activity and state with any degree of certainty that the features or activity define that brain as male or female.

To answer the OP. I would be supportive and let them crack on. In discussions with my DC I have taken the approach that gender identity and sexuality awareness develop over time. Some people know quite early on what their orientation and gender identity are, but others don’t realise it until as late middle age. We have a convenient example of a school mum who recently realised she is a lesbian and divorced her DH in her 40s. There is also a school dad who has come out as a trans and is going through surgery now.

Anyway, so I tell my DC there is no pressure to know now as it is a journey of self-discovery and to not worry about thinking they are one way but then changing their minds later on. That they don’t have to decide and then stick to it. I then have example of my sister who came out as lesbian at age 14, then went to Uni and discovered that she is actually bisexual. There’s no shame to exploring sexuality and gender identity. I tell them it’s very personal and they always have the right to “prefer not to say” on government and employer documents if they want to keep it private.

It’s made them very relaxed which was my objective as I think there is too much pressure on children/teens with expectations that they have to know and publicly proclaim what their sexuality and gender identities are by GCSEs or whatever.