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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Former Trans Child of Gender Critical Parents (very long). *Trigger warning - descriptions of self harm and suicide* - Title edited by MNHQ

541 replies

pop91 · 26/03/2022 22:33

Hi,

To start I wanna say I'm writing this post in good faith to provide the viewpoint of a Trans person with Gender Critical parents but I know this is the internet and this will probably just be trolled to death but here goes.

I had a pretty regular 'happy' family setup, and apparently first told my parents of my identity at just 5yrs old but the first I remember is at 8yrs old when I refused to go by my 'very gendered' birth name but my parents insisted on using it especially publicly.

My parents were never particularly strict on gender roles in the home - my sister would wear my dad's glasses and jacket and stomp around with his briefcase in hand and my brother had an emo phase with heels and mascara to match and apart from some grumbling from my father it was never the biggest issue in our house.

Sexuality was different though even though my father would class himself as a pragmatic centrist, barring a socialist university phase, and my mother a card-carrying progressive New Labour type whose Best Friend was the most flamboyant gay man and an Aunt who lived with her 'friend' until she passed. There was an uncomfortableness with sexuality where both my parents would call it a lifestyle choice and opposed gay marriage - cut to three years ago when my older brother came out as bisexual and last month the youngest sister as a lesbian Grin but rest assured the other 3 siblings remain firmly 'normal.'

Back to me and by 12 I had started puberty and was experiencing debilitating gender dysphoria - I would look into the mirror and see nothing that matched my brain. I would continue to feel this way until the bullying and dysphoria got so bad that one night I climbed into my bathtub with a kitchen knife hoping I could change my body to fit my brain somehow I managed not to perform self-surgery in my bathtub.

A couple of months later I came clean to my parents, I wasn't expecting a big hug but I wasn't expecting what came next. They ignored it as if I had told them what I wanted for dinner, they decided they didn't hear what I had said at all.

Over the next year, the internet became my friend as I found ways to affirm my gender by doing hidden things at first and then slowly more outward things. I came out to my siblings and although they found it confusing my oldest brother and sister were a godsend who I wouldn't have survived without, They helped me pick out a new haircut and new clothes and we came up with a new name.

I came out in school and sure there was bullying but I was feeling so Euphoric that it almost didn't matter. When the teachers found out they informed my parents and that's when everything changed! My parents sat me down and said I was just confused. They threw out my new clothes, anything that I used to affirm my gender, even my shoes and magazines then they took my bedroom door off and took away my laptop and phone and forced my older siblings to refer to me by my birth name, my older brother and sister stopped supporting me and I lost my only family support and anything that was helping me.

Eventually, when they realised everything they had done hadn't worked and I still felt the same way, they decided to try both religious and non-religious conversion therapy which left permanent scarring to my mental health and I frequently have nightmares about it.

At 15 I had my first suicide attempt and my parents forced me to lie and say it was due just to bullying at school but that wasn't true it was the dysphoria and conversion therapy that was killing me.

From 15 to 17 I had multiple suicide attempts and after the third one, my parents finally allowed me to stop the conversion therapy but still forcibly live as my 'biological' sex.

Eventually, I managed to get to a great University and at 18 I socially transitioned and by 20 I had started hormones. I now have a job that provides me financial stability and have an amazing partner, with 2 children from a prior relationship that I now consider like my own. We are also now having a baby very soon.

My mother now describes herself as Gender Critical and frequently posts online about how she will be unable to see her grandchildren because of her views, which is true as I will not allow my parents to see either my child or stepchildren.

My parents continue to refuse to acknowledge my identity and pronouns. The last time we talked, she said she believes I am just gay, which neither makes sense considering my partner's gender nor the fact she also has a terrible relationship with my lesbian sister and bisexual brother who also rarely allows his child to visit my mum, due to her comments about their sexualities.

I finally have the support back of all my siblings and we do frequently gather without my parents. I hope one day my parents change their minds but honestly I don't hold much hope and I don't know if I could forgive what they did to me.

A lot of online trans activists wish trans children for Gender Criticals but I don't, it wasn't very nice at all. If you're going to ask if I think kids should transition, the answer is I don't know as I didn't transition as a child and a social transition helped plenty for me.

Well that's it I think, just the perspective and experience of a trans person with Gender Critical parents, feel free to ask any reasonable questions or respectful questions. Smile

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 27/03/2022 19:56

Nope, atheist isn't the opposite of Catholic. It's the opposite of "someone who believes in a god or gods". A Muslim isn't a Catholic, neither is a Buddhist, so you can't talk about Catholics and atheists and expect to cover everyone in those two terms.

Nellodee · 27/03/2022 19:56

I would accept the use of cis and trans if it went along with the sex definition of man and woman.

In other words, I am happy to be a cis woman if you accept being a trans woman.

pop91 · 27/03/2022 19:56

@RoseslnTheHospital

When people here use the term "women" they will usually be including trans men and non-binary female people in that concept. Unless there is a need to specifically exclude them from the discussion at hand, in which case people might say "women, excluding trans men/nb".

People posting regularly in this topic area manage to discuss things quite happily without using "cis".

'women, excluding trans men/nb'

you understand that 100 times the effort of just saying cis?

OP posts:
mudgetastic · 27/03/2022 19:56

Well I guess you could just say people with no gender identify

So cis , trans and no gender
Like catholic Protestant and no religion

Be fascinating to see what proportion of the population has a gender identity and what the sex split of that is

Deliriumoftheendless · 27/03/2022 19:57

I’m aware referring to a trans person by their birth sex can be distressing so I would use additional categories rather than insist on using man or woman.

I, like lots of women am happy to be referred to as woman so don’t need any prefix.

mudgetastic · 27/03/2022 19:57

You say cis and you exclude all those women with no gender identity

That's not very kind and inclusive is it ?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 27/03/2022 19:58

I don't know anyone that would stop their daughter getting a short hair cut or wearing a pokemon jumper.

All you have done since last night is project your experience of your parents homophobia onto us and possible your own internalised homophobia.

The words man and woman are perfectly adequate to describe 'not trans' people. You want to define yourself as trans, go ahead, we don't need any prefix. 99% or the population don't believe in gender ideology so zero need to refer to ourselves in the terms you dictate.

When discussing women and men I'm referring to sex not gender identity so why on earth would I add 'cis'

When I'm talking about women's sport, and facilities why would I need to add cis to women?
You already said yourself to use transwomen to refer to transwomen and if I'm talking about women's rights, I am naturally excluding them based on their sex.

EishetChayil · 27/03/2022 19:59

I don't believe a word of this, OP.

You sound like you're on stonewall's payroll.

Deliriumoftheendless · 27/03/2022 19:59

It’s not just about “effort” life isn’t like a tweet. We can manage to say or type extra words if needed.

mudgetastic · 27/03/2022 19:59

Of course if transpeople are going to call me cis I would no longer see any point in glossing over their sex and would just call them man or woman as appropriate ( from a sex perspective)

pop91 · 27/03/2022 20:00

@Nellodee

I would accept the use of cis and trans if it went along with the sex definition of man and woman.

In other words, I am happy to be a cis woman if you accept being a trans woman.

In other words, I am happy to be a cis woman if you accept being a trans woman

Agreed. please inform all Gender Criticals

Trumpets Blare
Cis peoples and Trans peoples a deal has been reached which is exactly what trans people have said all along but whatever because A DEAL HAS BEEN REACHED!

OP posts:
Clymene · 27/03/2022 20:01

Women and transmen. Men and transwomen.

Those are the groups. You can scream and shout all you want about how unfair and unkind it is but humans can't change sex. No matter how much surgery they have.

mudgetastic · 27/03/2022 20:02

No you can't "inform All gc"

Lack of hive mind you see

I am not a cis woman. I am not a subgroup of women that needs a descriptor

Transwoman is not a type of women

pop91 · 27/03/2022 20:02

@mudgetastic

Well I guess you could just say people with no gender identify

So cis , trans and no gender
Like catholic Protestant and no religion

Be fascinating to see what proportion of the population has a gender identity and what the sex split of that is

agreed but you understand the masses will not put no gender for fear that makes them non-binary or some other variation of GNC.

They'll choose Trans before no gender.

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pop91 · 27/03/2022 20:03

@EishetChayil

I don't believe a word of this, OP.

You sound like you're on stonewall's payroll.

Fuck. I should be paid for this.

Lemme just text stonewall and ask to be paid.

OP posts:
Nellodee · 27/03/2022 20:04

Just checking - I thought you were a transman, pop91. If you're actually male, then the agreement would be that you would be a trans man.

pop91 · 27/03/2022 20:04

@Deliriumoftheendless

It’s not just about “effort” life isn’t like a tweet. We can manage to say or type extra words if needed.
cba bruv
OP posts:
DomesticatedZombie · 27/03/2022 20:04

bollocks, pop.

Nellodee · 27/03/2022 20:04

Can you check on our paycheck from Fox news and Putin whilst you're at it, Pop?

mudgetastic · 27/03/2022 20:06

Other people can call themselves what they like

Just don't force me to take any gender and I am happy

If they chose trans over no gender so be it
I don't mind if they call themselves
Trans

I just mind when they mix up gender with sex and pretend that women means a gender identity and pretend that gender not sex determines the way in which you will be abused

pop91 · 27/03/2022 20:06

@mudgetastic

No you can't "inform All gc"

Lack of hive mind you see

I am not a cis woman. I am not a subgroup of women that needs a descriptor

Transwoman is not a type of women

joke innit Grin
OP posts:
mudgetastic · 27/03/2022 20:07

Gender cage is no joke to me

It's lie joking about murder to someone whose child was killed

RoseslnTheHospital · 27/03/2022 20:07

It might take longer to type, but it's correct. I'm not cis, in the same way I'm not Catholic. I cannot use cis to describe me because it's not correct.

If I'm talking about women, I'm including trans men. If I'm talking about men, I'm including trans women. If I'm taking about trans people specifically then I'll use trans men or trans women. None of this is difficult or challenging to do.

pop91 · 27/03/2022 20:08

@Nellodee

Just checking - I thought you were a transman, pop91. If you're actually male, then the agreement would be that you would be a trans man.
fuck me imagine being a trans woman dealing with this. at least you afford me some sympathy having been born without a penis.
OP posts:
pop91 · 27/03/2022 20:09

@Nellodee

Can you check on our paycheck from Fox news and Putin whilst you're at it, Pop?
Nah JK Rowling seems to have that covered.

She'll be on GB News with her own show soon.

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