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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Men taking advantage.

104 replies

Bella3456 · 22/02/2022 21:50

So this is a random one. As a woman I know to be very careful and weary of strange men. But today honestly I'm baffled. Where is the line between someone being creepy and someone just being friendly? I'm on holiday eith my 6 year old in butlins skegness (if anyone else is im the stressed one in a bright pink coat LOL) and I went to get some food at the food court (son infront of me) and the chef was extremely chatty. Naturally I just thought the had to chat to staff as part of working at butlins but he was asking me loads of questions (infront of many other customers) but again I assumed maybe butlins policy for staff to be friendly. He then laughed and said 'left he husband at home then!' And because I assumed he was safe i said no husband for me single Pringle (assuming he was being chatty because he was supposed to be) suddenly infront of everyone he said 'give me your nunber then' now honestly in evry part of my life I always always say to men I have a partner at home. I think because I felt safe and secure I just had a laugh and was accidentally honest. This was onfront of everyone and I didn't want to embarrassed him so I said 'you give me yours' I felt like if I rejected his request he would have felt embarrassed. Also please on this post be kind. I do not like making other people feel awkward or embarrassed. That's why I asked to take his number. He gave it me of course I haven't text. I reall feel like he tricked me by being 'overly friendly' and because it was at butlins I really did assume it was policy to be over friendly which is why I basically accidentally told the truth. How could I have been more firm? I want to add i do not feel threatened or harrased. But I do feel tricked into an awkward situation because he did it infront of EVERYONE. Ive just never experience anything like this is a bloody family resort.

OP posts:
Kimilybob · 22/02/2022 22:06

Give him a call, he might be really nice!

Original poster
Bella3456 · 22/02/2022 22:08

Kimilybob I dont knowif your being sarcastic 😂

OP posts:
Grantingmum · 22/02/2022 22:11

I get it that you found the situation embarrassing as it was in front of everyone but I'm not sure he was 'taking advantage'. He was just asking for your number. You could have politely said no or laughed it off.

grey12 · 22/02/2022 22:12

Look, so far, he hasn't done anything wrong or bad..... I know what you mean.... it's a tricky one.

But if you handled it well Wink and when you don't text back he'll get the message

The only thing you could have done is cut him off straight away. But, personally, I wouldn't have the guts to do it myself 🤷🏻‍♀️ so I'd be in the exact same boat as you

Original poster
Bella3456 · 22/02/2022 22:16

I'm sure its innocent too to be honest I just feel like it must be so obvious I want to be left alone when I'm clearly exhausted on my own with a 6 year old at butlins 😂

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 22/02/2022 22:19

I get what you mean op

Asking this stuff in public is a form.of manipulation.

You'd have felt safe being around others.

He'd have been taking advantage of you not wanting to make a scene or embarass anyone by not giving an answer eveegone whid over heard would be eagerly awaiting.

Its awful. I hate that kinda stuff.

Kimilybob · 22/02/2022 22:23

If you were exhausted he may have felt you could of used some help. Sounds innocent to me or should i say normal. It be a lonely world if no one struxk up conversation or furthered relationships.

SevenWaystoLeave · 22/02/2022 22:25

Look, so far, he hasn't done anything wrong or bad..... I know what you mean.... it's a tricky one.

I don't know, I would say it's pretty unprofessional to be hitting on customers at work and I'd be wondering how many other women he tried it on with during a day's work. And because of that OP is now put in an awkward position if she wants to go back to that food court, which isn't fair on her when she just wants to enjoy her holiday. It would be different if they met in a social situation, but as OP has said, she was misled into thinking she was just having a friendly exchange with someone who was making her feel welcome as part of his job.

Plus there's a certain type of man who tends to mistake friendliness for flirting, and it's often because they can't imagine being friendly to a woman without an ulterior motive so they assume any woman who is pleasant to them must be interested in return. And then they'll act entitled or like you've lead them on if you reject them because in their minds you were "giving them signals" or whatever.

So I can totally understand OP's hesitation. It may be innocent but she's been put in an awkward, uncomfortable situation, and felt pressured to accept this guy's number when she didn't want to. So even if unintentional I would not say he did nothing wrong, and if he's a genuine person he needs to rethink how he approaches women.

Ionlydomassiveones · 22/02/2022 22:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 22/02/2022 22:37

@Ionlydomassiveones

“I do not like making other people feel awkward or embarrassed.”

Saying no to men should be on the school curriculum to become second nature for girls so that when they become women they are not socialised into this toxic people pleasing.

Nodding in very strong agreement here and I would only add that this encompasses: —being able to withstand #BeKind pressure from other women as well; —learning to support other women effectively when they're plainly uncomfortable or an fraught situation is evolving.
Original poster
Bella3456 · 22/02/2022 22:38

@lonlydomassiveones I really really could not agree more. We are taught our whole life to be polite and friendly or at last I was. But never how to stick up for myself or say no. Literallt ever. It should absolutely be taught in schools

OP posts:
DialSquare · 22/02/2022 22:39

Very unprofessional. I would have said "when I said I was single, I meant happily single" and left it at that. He had no issue making you feel uncomfortable.

Rightsraptor · 22/02/2022 22:41

If it took place in Butlins then report him to management. You are the paying customer, he has no business behaving like that. Fuck him.

Gumbomambo · 22/02/2022 22:42

Don’t be too hard on yourself Bella, this guy is an opportunist arsehole, using his job to pick up women. Agree with Ionlydo women and girls need lessons in saying no, we are drilled to be kind and not hurt people’s feelings. God I’ve ended up in some ridiculous situations because of a complete inability to say no to a man. At the back of our heads we also know what the consequences could be for saying no to men too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/02/2022 22:47

We are taught our whole life to be polite and friendly or at last I was. But never how to stick up for myself or say no. Literallt ever. It should absolutely be taught in schools

I've taught mine and sometimes get calls home about it. Once when a teacher grabbed DD's shoulder and DD said, "don't touch me". I got a call home and I said "I've taught DD no one touches her without her permission". Her teacher agreed! Well yes, so why am I getting a call?

Politeness is so rigidly enforced on women that we struggle to refuse, complain, exit. Men should be taught better and women worse!

Neenawneenaw76 · 22/02/2022 22:55

I'd report him Tbh, he took advantage of his position and shouldn't be near customers. It's incredibly unprofessional and I'd be amazed if it's not taken seriously, as you said these are family locations and you shouldn't have to be fighting advances from the bloody staff.

PurgatoryOfPotholes · 22/02/2022 23:16

Not a nice guy at all.

He tried to embarrass you into giving his number, by playing on your reluctance to embarrass him by turning him properly down in front of an audience.

That's very manipulative. Do not text him- everything you know about him is negative. You'd have better odds of it turning out great if you asked out a random man in the supermarket.

You were put on the spot, and you did amazingly well to still negotiate him into giving you his number instead, preserving your privacy.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/02/2022 23:20

Top tip. Have a fake number you know.

So you can give it, including repeating it, and never give your actual one. If someone says it doesn't work, look puzzled, repeat it again. You don't get 'caught' because of the consistency.

RoyKentsChestHair · 22/02/2022 23:24

I’m surprised at the first couple of responses to be honest. This isn’t ok. He’s there to do a job which is to help you and your DS have a nice holiday. Not to try it on with you and/or any other single woman he comes across in the course of his work.

If you’d been to his kiosk several times over the week and clearly hit it off, or made it obvious that you’d come back to him for more than his food offering, he might have a point, but just chatting up a customer who’s being friendly is so unprofessional and as someone else said, could make you feel awkward in front of your DS and/or avoid him when you’d actually quite like to eat what he’s selling. Entitled dick move.

Anyone saying “text him, he might be nice” is totally missing the point. OP felt uncomfortable that this man ‘mistook’ her being courteous and friendly as flirting. Something I see and hear of a lot tbh. It’s because they wouldn’t bother to be polite and friendly to any woman they didn’t find attractive.

Kimilybob · 23/02/2022 00:18

Who he wants to flirt with is his choice. We all experience uncomfortable conversations on a daily basis. Thats life!

Kimilybob · 23/02/2022 00:21

Its very amusing to see all those who know hes not a nice guy. I personally like a guy thats a bit cheeky and mischeivious itd be auch a dull world without peopke like that.

Enough4me · 23/02/2022 00:34

OP, on other threads Kimilybob is not supportive of women's rights.

Please trust your instincts here. Male entitlement is not cheeky, it's dangerous.

Clymene · 23/02/2022 00:44

Report him to butlins. He's hitting on customers and that's absolutely unacceptable

Who cares if he loses his job? Creepy fucker

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/02/2022 01:05

@Kimilybob

Who he wants to flirt with is his choice. We all experience uncomfortable conversations on a daily basis. Thats life!
I'm willing to bet quite serious money that it's not his choice when he's at work.
Kimilybob · 23/02/2022 01:12

Just to clarify, i support womens right fully, and just to say male entitlment is dangerous doesnt explain much. Is it as dangerous as female entitlement. Im not sure what it means precisely or what the dangers are

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