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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Men taking advantage.

104 replies

Bella3456 · 22/02/2022 21:50

So this is a random one. As a woman I know to be very careful and weary of strange men. But today honestly I'm baffled. Where is the line between someone being creepy and someone just being friendly? I'm on holiday eith my 6 year old in butlins skegness (if anyone else is im the stressed one in a bright pink coat LOL) and I went to get some food at the food court (son infront of me) and the chef was extremely chatty. Naturally I just thought the had to chat to staff as part of working at butlins but he was asking me loads of questions (infront of many other customers) but again I assumed maybe butlins policy for staff to be friendly. He then laughed and said 'left he husband at home then!' And because I assumed he was safe i said no husband for me single Pringle (assuming he was being chatty because he was supposed to be) suddenly infront of everyone he said 'give me your nunber then' now honestly in evry part of my life I always always say to men I have a partner at home. I think because I felt safe and secure I just had a laugh and was accidentally honest. This was onfront of everyone and I didn't want to embarrassed him so I said 'you give me yours' I felt like if I rejected his request he would have felt embarrassed. Also please on this post be kind. I do not like making other people feel awkward or embarrassed. That's why I asked to take his number. He gave it me of course I haven't text. I reall feel like he tricked me by being 'overly friendly' and because it was at butlins I really did assume it was policy to be over friendly which is why I basically accidentally told the truth. How could I have been more firm? I want to add i do not feel threatened or harrased. But I do feel tricked into an awkward situation because he did it infront of EVERYONE. Ive just never experience anything like this is a bloody family resort.

OP posts:
Phobiaphobic · 23/02/2022 12:45

[quote Bella3456]@lonlydomassiveones I really really could not agree more. We are taught our whole life to be polite and friendly or at last I was. But never how to stick up for myself or say no. Literallt ever. It should absolutely be taught in schools[/quote]
It's how society grooms girls and women to become compliant.

RedCandyApple · 23/02/2022 13:06

@Kimilybob

I dont see why people have issue with this. Id be awful if no one could hit on anyone without being labelled predatory!
This is how people use to meet before internet dating took over, people use to ask someone for their number, if you are not interested just say no, does everyone only meet online these days? You don’t have to give your number and you don’t need to remember a fake one just say your one but change the last digit, trouble with that though is some men will it in front of you after you give it so you can have their number too 😑
SamphiretheStickerist · 23/02/2022 13:33

This is how people use to meet before internet dating took over,

Yeah! But we all knew the etiquette properly back then.

This man, him at work, her on holiday (with or without a kid in tow), asking over a counter, with her in a queue, would have been frowned upon back then too. Especially when he came back for a second 'chatty line'.

Ph, and back then, we didn't have mobile phones. He could have called me mam all he wanted! Or the local police house (remember them?) - which was the number I had memorised.

CorrBlimeyGG · 23/02/2022 13:46

He didn't "flirt".

He told her to give him her number. That's being demanding, not flirting.

Then the OP did the same to him. Her behaviour was equally inappropriate, and in your words, demanding.

DdraigGoch · 23/02/2022 14:05

@Kimilybob

Im 100% genuine, im trying to understand.

Surely he is entitled to speak to who he wants though as we all are as feeling uncomfortable is a subjective feeling out of his control.
I dont know why you think this is male entitlement. Were all entitled to do this. We used to value freedom....

Anyone on these boards who says they're "genuine" or is just "asking a genuine question" is anything but in my experience. It's like men who say "I'm a nice guy".

I'm a man. Sometimes at work I'll come across customers I quite fancy. I may even get on well with them. I don't start asking for their number though, for two reasons. 1. It's unprofessional. 2. Me being in a relative position of power in my job could mean that it was given under pressure, not freely.

Likewise I don't hit on people in their workplace either. Mostly because I know how difficult it is for customer service staff to deal effectively with arseholes without risking their own jobs.

Enough4me · 23/02/2022 16:21

It's completely inappropriate for any man to ask an unknown woman trapped in queue if she's married and for her number. Genuine men don't do this. The fact he was working and she had a child with her makes this 100x worse.

They weren't on a night out looking about for dates, on a speed date, joining in an event they both enjoy and happened to get chatting. OP was queuing with a clear reason!

If he thought that OP was interested he could have said he knew the area well, if she had any questions he could pass her his number if she popped back later. Then the door for communication is open, with no demands or male entitlement.

DameHelena · 23/02/2022 16:35

@Whatwouldscullydo

I get what you mean op

Asking this stuff in public is a form.of manipulation.

You'd have felt safe being around others.

He'd have been taking advantage of you not wanting to make a scene or embarass anyone by not giving an answer eveegone whid over heard would be eagerly awaiting.

Its awful. I hate that kinda stuff.

I agree with this. He HAS done something 'wrong' and 'bad' and those saying otherwise are minimising. He knew the situation and how people are likely to react, peer pressure and good old British awkwardness being what it is. I'd let the management know.
Dutch1e · 23/02/2022 16:43

I once gave someone the sack from a restaurant I managed for a similar situation. Single mum having dinner in the beer garden with her son, waiter chatted her up and asked for her number in front of others. I overheard and told him to get his stuff and fuck off home.

It's a gross overstep of the remit, ugly and unprofessional.

Kimilybob · 23/02/2022 17:29

This reply has been deleted

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Lyonic · 23/02/2022 17:34

@Whatwouldscullydo

I get what you mean op

Asking this stuff in public is a form.of manipulation.

You'd have felt safe being around others.

He'd have been taking advantage of you not wanting to make a scene or embarass anyone by not giving an answer eveegone whid over heard would be eagerly awaiting.

Its awful. I hate that kinda stuff.

Its mens job to woo and manipulate ladies! How else can we get your attention?
Clymene · 23/02/2022 18:21

@Kimilybob

If he did use the situation to manipulate and pressure a bit....good for him. Each to their own. As i say for me im not into guys who arnt forward, but ive never found them an issue either.

Its bizarre how women expect an ideal scenario vanilla chat up preciaely to fit tgeir expectations. How dull and boring imo.

Grim
PurgatoryOfPotholes · 23/02/2022 18:51

A man who "manipulates and pressures" a woman into giving him contact details is not someone she should initiate a relationship with.

CorBlimey

Turn about is fair play.

PearPickingPorky · 23/02/2022 19:18

Urgh. Men who don't like to give women a free choice to say No are generally predators.

Kimilybob · 23/02/2022 19:32

@PearPickingPorky

Urgh. Men who don't like to give women a free choice to say No are generally predators.
I dont know where thia came from as no one mentioned she didnt have a free choice to say no.
PearPickingPorky · 23/02/2022 19:39

She didn't have a free choice to say No, because he asked her with an audience while she was trying to buy food on holiday.

If she said "No" she'd be embarrassing him in front of all those people, which women are socialised not to do, because it's mean. He is also in a position of relative power over her in the encounter. So saying no had negative consequences for her, and therefore it's not a free choice.

Kimilybob · 23/02/2022 19:43

This reply has been deleted

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Triphazards · 23/02/2022 19:47

@Bella3456

I'm sure its innocent too to be honest I just feel like it must be so obvious I want to be left alone when I'm clearly exhausted on my own with a 6 year old at butlins 😂
"Clearly exhausted?"

Were you hanging onto the edge of the counter, gasping for breath?

WellThatsMeScrewed · 23/02/2022 20:03

No! In front of your kid too? Jesus how can people think this is ok?

WellThatsMeScrewed · 23/02/2022 20:05

@Bella3456 ignore certain posts.

You felt uncomfortable that is not your fault, he made you feel uncomfortable. Your feelings are valid.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/02/2022 20:28

BTW @Kimilybob also thinks women shouldn't want separate toilets to men so there will really be nowhere some bloke can't 'cheekily' manipulate and pressure you.

So fun. So much less boring.

WellThatsMeScrewed · 23/02/2022 20:30

@MrsTerryPratchett

BTW *@Kimilybob* also thinks women shouldn't want separate toilets to men so there will really be nowhere some bloke can't 'cheekily' manipulate and pressure you.

So fun. So much less boring.

The romance
VortexofBloggery · 23/02/2022 20:49

You did well to get his number @Bella3456. Makes it easy for Butlins management to identify him. It's not remotely OK for him to pressure you into a conversation you don't want to have.

PearPickingPorky · 23/02/2022 22:06

@MrsTerryPratchett

BTW *@Kimilybob* also thinks women shouldn't want separate toilets to men so there will really be nowhere some bloke can't 'cheekily' manipulate and pressure you.

So fun. So much less boring.

Makes sense.

Boundaries make men sad.

OhLordyWhatNow · 23/02/2022 22:45

Ugh.

I wonder what his age limit is.

Does he just do this to single women with children in tow, or does he do it to teenage girls too?

He sounds predatory and his actions caused you to feel vulnerable and uncomfortable in front of your child.

Report him to management.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/02/2022 23:03

@Kimilybob

If he did use the situation to manipulate and pressure a bit....good for him.

I really hope you don't have kids in your life that you're influencing in any capacity. Bloody hell.

Read your words back and tell me you're not an apologist for men harassing women.

Grim.