Please advise me re possible bullying by trans child

[BirdsAndBiscuits]

My son is 14 . At primary school there were only 2 kids in his year group and the other kid was a menace (trying to be polite about it!). He is a bright kid, but violent and manipulative. School responded by trying all sort of special treatment, social workers took him on outings every week etc. His behaviour got worse as he learnt to manipulate his teachers and other adults. Eventually, we had to demand that our son was protected from him- at age 11 he was coming home covered in bite marks and bruises. Nothing was put in place for our son, but the other boy was given extra activities to distract him. Not helpful.

Once they went to secondary, it seemed to settle down. They were apart for most of their first year in secondary, which really helped. Then this year, the boy has changed his name to a mythical creature, wears false breasts under his jumper and insists that on the days of his choosing, he is now a girl. Son is a kind boy, and never intentionally mean, so he was just polite but stayed distant. The boy hasn't really made any friends and wants my son to spend lots of time with him. Son is polite but insists that he can't be forced to spend time with anyone. The boy tells the guidance teacher that my son is transphobic and is bullying him. He of course denies this, because it isn't true, but he also refused to say that he thinks Unicorn is really a girl now/sometimes.

Over the last few weeks, it has escalated. He tells teachers that my son hides his bag, calls him names and is generally nasty to him. There are always witnesses who say that he is making these accusations up, but the school is not listening to my son and always take the other boy's account as the true one. Today while he was waiting for another class, the guidance teacher pulled my son into a side room and asked a lot of very pointed questions about whether he had a problem with trans people, and why he was behaving so badly towards this other boy. Every time he tries to defend himself, it seems that he is dismissed and labelled as phobic.

My son has (mild-ish) SEN and we have fought so hard to get him extra help and support and we felt that he was doing much better than he had at primary school, and I'm so worried that this will escalate even further and end badly for him. We are in Scotland, which doesn't help. I'm trying to find a way round this without any reference to the boy being trans, because it's not really about that, but I can't seem to make it not about that. I do believe that my son hasn't been bullying the other boy (because it isn't in his nature and because he has a compulsion to confess every single thing he does wrong to me!), but I'm as sure as I can be that the other boy is using the trans issue as a stick to beat him with.

So far, my son has asked me not to speak to the guidance teacher(said he wants to save the nuclear option!), but I don't see me having a choice if this goes on. The trouble is, I don't know how to tackle this effectively without being dismissed as a transphobic Harpy and making it all worse.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of situation? I genuinely don't know how to deal with this and it really seems like this kid is untouchable. (I asked if it was okay to post here and son is fine with it, also Unicorn isn't really the kid's new name).

I would be contacting the school and asking them to deal with with unicorn bullying my son and there is a long history of this including an extended period of physical violence.

If they raise the trans issue say that is a red herring and unicorn being trans doesn't excuse his targeted bullying of your son.

Can't you just talk to the school about their history at primary school and your son's subsequent reservations about wanting to spend time with the boy without needing to bring the trans issue into it?

If the school is unaware of their history, it's probably far easier to extrapolate that the reason your son doesn't want to have much to do with him is due to the boy being trans, rather than anything else.

You may find people with good advice in 'bullying' under the Education topic?

Hope things can be resolved for your son. It must be misery being bullied, especially if the bully gets away with lying about it.

School is aware of the history, unfortunately. But hopefully I can arrange a meeting and lay it out again. I'm not too hopeful though, given my previous experience with them (only school in the area, and this is my third child to go there).

It's useful to see that it should be fairly straightforward though, if I can keep away from the trans issue. When it's your own kid, it can seem much higher stress and more difficult to see a way through.

Also, your poor son being bitten. I have met teeny tots who are 'bitey', but have never heard of it at such an older age.

I would give them 1 month to resolve this.
If they don’t then remove your son, if you can.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Sadly it’s the inevitable consequence of giving a child too much power.

I do feel for you and your son. This has nothing to do with being trans, as you say, but everything to do with a bully finding new & inventive ways to bully. 'Unicorn' seems have received masterclasses in manipulation when he was in primary school, not his fault & he sounds deeply troubled. But it's not for your son to sort out. Sorry, no useful advice from me.

Look up the schools bullying policy, find out the complaints procedure and insist on them following it and escalate it according to their policies.

Any time they bring up unicorn being trans look blank and confused and ask what Unicorn being trans has to do with them bullying your son in such a calculated and sustained manner.

Remind them that your son has SEN and they are failing to support him.

I'd be contacting the primary school (senco, old teacher) to add their concerns to yours.
Although they technically don't have to involve myself most of the people in primary care about their pupils beyond when they are in the class.

And in the meantime ask for practical changes. No classes at similar times. Can a ta escort your son to lessons when the supposed 'crimes' are happening.

I mean, quite possibly someone is stealing this kid's bag. They may have automatically thought of your son because of the history and a guilty conscience. The guidance teacher may be misguidedly trying to sort it.

I also wouldn't rule out that your son could be involved. Although you think it's unlikely, children often hide things from their parents.

Your child has every right who they want to be friends with and who they don’t. I would ask for a meeting with his Form Teacher and/or Head of Year. I would also be putting in a complaint about the guidance teacher, her targeting and questioning of your son is not acceptable.

I think you can't avoid talking to the teacher. but I wouldn't mention trans, its not really relevant. this boy is targeting your son and making up stories. none of the accusations are true, so I would ask how they are going to protect your son

I agree that the term 'red herring' is a good one to use. Also 'that's not relevant here'.

Unfortunately I dont think they'll sort this.

Are you able to get your son out and into a different school?

I'd wipe the fucking floor with the guidance teacher (sorry not helpful).

Tell them if they want to discuss the behaviour of the boy bullying your son they are to go through you in future.

Any time they bring up unicorn being trans look blank and confused and ask what Unicorn being trans has to do with them bullying your son in such a calculated and sustained manner

I think you are going to have to concentrate really hard on not getting drawn into it. because I imagine the teacher is going to repeat ask you if your son is transphobic. something along the lines of 'son has been telling unicorn that human beings can't change sex, is this what he thinks?'... I imagine that if they establish that you both think that, they will jump straight to, so he DID bully unicorn

and so you need to stick with, it doesn't matter what he thinks, he didn't say it

Remind them that your son has SEN and they are failing to support him.

This - I'd be shutting down any talk of trans and reframing this as long term bullying of a SEN child and the school failure to support a SEN child.

I'd start by finding the schools complaint procedure and following it.

We've had situations within family and other children we know with schools trying to ignore bullying because other child has some issues completely ignore the issues the bullied child was facing on top of the bullying.

ScribblingPixie right red herring' 'that's not relevant here' - we are talking about my child and you not supporting them - but mostly IME it's being persistant with the school.

respectme.org.uk/

This is the website of Scotland's official anti-bullying service. It may or may not be helpful - I'm linking it mostly because it goes on and on about the Equality Act. I'm guessing your son's teachers may have received training which overfocuses on Equality Act protected characteristics (and it was probably 90% about trans) as the motivation for bullying.

I don't know what they put in the water in these trainings but they appear to make people very stupid. So I'd go over the head of the guidance teacher if you can, just assume they've been brainwashed, and maybe you can find someone else in the school who hasn't been put through the stupid-making machine.

Also, make sure you log everything, mentioning incidents where there were witnesses who were ignored. It's really shit for you that this is the only school in the area; I guess you are going to need to send the message that you can be just as difficult as Unicorn if you have to and that you have your ducks in a row to take legal action if necessary.

The link below has a document that's been designed for kids to log bullying incidents. Perhaps you can also get some documentation of what went on in primary school to add to the dossier.

www.antibullyingpro.com/support-and-advice-articles/what-can-i-do-if-my-child-is-being-bullied

I'm so sorry for your son, a kid who's biting people at age 11 is on a really bad trajectory and your son deserves to be protected from him.

They were apart for most of their first year in secondary, which really helped.

Was there some practical reason for this like different classes or form groups? Can that be reinstated?

Wow OP this sounds utterly unbelievable.

Raise a complaint. Why didn’t you at primary when the bullying first occurred and wasn’t dealt with? It’s odd they gave you so much info on the child such as trip out with social workers. That’s private info

It’s odd they gave you so much info on the child such as trip out with social workers. That’s private info

I'd guess that they didn't 'give info', but that the OP lives in a small community in a rural part of Scotland (2 in a year group?) and that it's common knowledge what your neighbours are doing.

Why are you using this user name? This is the user name of Jane Harris @blablafishcakes on Twitter.

@RandomMess

Any time they bring up unicorn being trans look blank and confused and ask what Unicorn being trans has to do with them bullying your son in such a calculated and sustained manner.

Remind them that your son has SEN and they are failing to support him.

This is exactly what I’d be doing. And repeating ‘this is the latest in a sustained, repeated and well-documented campaign of violence and harassment against my child - what are you going to do to safeguard him?’ as often as you need to.

I really think you may find useful advice in the Education topic, under bullying. Some parents may have valuable experience in dealing with a school about their child was being bullied.