Please advise me re possible bullying by trans child

[BirdsAndBiscuits]

My son is 14 . At primary school there were only 2 kids in his year group and the other kid was a menace (trying to be polite about it!). He is a bright kid, but violent and manipulative. School responded by trying all sort of special treatment, social workers took him on outings every week etc. His behaviour got worse as he learnt to manipulate his teachers and other adults. Eventually, we had to demand that our son was protected from him- at age 11 he was coming home covered in bite marks and bruises. Nothing was put in place for our son, but the other boy was given extra activities to distract him. Not helpful.

Once they went to secondary, it seemed to settle down. They were apart for most of their first year in secondary, which really helped. Then this year, the boy has changed his name to a mythical creature, wears false breasts under his jumper and insists that on the days of his choosing, he is now a girl. Son is a kind boy, and never intentionally mean, so he was just polite but stayed distant. The boy hasn't really made any friends and wants my son to spend lots of time with him. Son is polite but insists that he can't be forced to spend time with anyone. The boy tells the guidance teacher that my son is transphobic and is bullying him. He of course denies this, because it isn't true, but he also refused to say that he thinks Unicorn is really a girl now/sometimes.

Over the last few weeks, it has escalated. He tells teachers that my son hides his bag, calls him names and is generally nasty to him. There are always witnesses who say that he is making these accusations up, but the school is not listening to my son and always take the other boy's account as the true one. Today while he was waiting for another class, the guidance teacher pulled my son into a side room and asked a lot of very pointed questions about whether he had a problem with trans people, and why he was behaving so badly towards this other boy. Every time he tries to defend himself, it seems that he is dismissed and labelled as phobic.

My son has (mild-ish) SEN and we have fought so hard to get him extra help and support and we felt that he was doing much better than he had at primary school, and I'm so worried that this will escalate even further and end badly for him. We are in Scotland, which doesn't help. I'm trying to find a way round this without any reference to the boy being trans, because it's not really about that, but I can't seem to make it not about that. I do believe that my son hasn't been bullying the other boy (because it isn't in his nature and because he has a compulsion to confess every single thing he does wrong to me!), but I'm as sure as I can be that the other boy is using the trans issue as a stick to beat him with.

So far, my son has asked me not to speak to the guidance teacher(said he wants to save the nuclear option!), but I don't see me having a choice if this goes on. The trouble is, I don't know how to tackle this effectively without being dismissed as a transphobic Harpy and making it all worse.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of situation? I genuinely don't know how to deal with this and it really seems like this kid is untouchable. (I asked if it was okay to post here and son is fine with it, also Unicorn isn't really the kid's new name).

OP can your son travel to another school? Where I am it's not uncommon to have up to one hour commutes to school as parents often choose to send their kids to different schools in or out of their local area.

I'd request a meeting with the head. Are you on your own or could you bring your son's father or your partner in too with you? Very disappointingly, there's often more of a reaction and consequent action if both parents go in to complain. You've also had two other kids at the school so their prior knowledge of you must count for something.

You just need to say what you have here.

But ideally you'd have a back up plan.

It's a pity if there are no alternative schools. Because that's the only real way you'll get him away from this.

I would be asking the school to explain its bullying policy and how they are protecting and supporting your SEN child.

One thing is sure: someone has to keep Unicorn away from your son.

You have to act.

As a teenager I was on the receiving end of some false bullying accusations and still feel angry about it to this day. It took months to sort out and only died down when I was able to provide evidence that I wasn't even there when one of my "crimes" occurred. My parents were pretty passive about it and I really wish they had been more robust in challenging what was going on as I felt it tarnished my reputation with some of the teachers even after it has been disproved and I developed quite bad anxiety about going to school.

In your situation, I would write a letter in the first instance (cc'ing in the Board of Governors) - written documentation is more difficult to ignore. I would outline in the letter that you believe the current accusations are a continuation of a long established cycle of harassment that your son has been subjected to by this child over a period of years. This has included physical, verbal and emotional abuse. You are concerned that the school is not considering the wider relationship between the two children in responding to this issue and appears to be disregarding evidence that indicates the current allegations may be of malicious intent. You take particular issue with the actions of the guidance teacher in questioning your son without the presence of an appropriate adult to support him. This is especially pertinent given the serious of what was suggested to him and the potential long lasting consequences of accusing him of something which could legally be considered a hate crime. Her failure to take this into account and that fact that your son has SEN raises concerns over her professional judgement and ability to handle a situation of this delicacy. Note the deep distress this questioning caused him and you are considering initiating a formal complaint about safeguarding as a result.
I would make a list of recommendations to the school to resolve the situation including:

1. A formal (minuted) meeting with an independent mediator to discuss the issue and next steps (bring evidence of previous incidents eg. biting)
2. You remove consent for the school to discuss these matters with your son without a parent present (he is a minor with SEN and does not have the full ability to understanding the consequences of the severity of the accusations
3. A formal plan outlining the safeguarding steps the school plan to take to protect your son

i would also draw attention in the letter to the schools values (probably online somewhere) and where any of this challenges their own stated position. I would also note that should this harassment continue you may be left with little option but to escalate and involve the police. I would referred to this as "targeted behaviour" towards your son and use the phrasing another poster suggested about "coercive control" in seeking to make the two children continue to have a relationship. I would be extremely careful about referring to the trans issue and revert back to the pattern of behaviour narrative (you need to be confident your son hasn't don'e anything though).

@Neednameinspiration

As a teenager I was on the receiving end of some false bullying accusations and still feel angry about it to this day. It took months to sort out and only died down when I was able to provide evidence that I wasn't even there when one of my "crimes" occurred. My parents were pretty passive about it and I really wish they had been more robust in challenging what was going on as I felt it tarnished my reputation with some of the teachers even after it has been disproved and I developed quite bad anxiety about going to school.

In your situation, I would write a letter in the first instance (cc'ing in the Board of Governors) - written documentation is more difficult to ignore. I would outline in the letter that you believe the current accusations are a continuation of a long established cycle of harassment that your son has been subjected to by this child over a period of years. This has included physical, verbal and emotional abuse. You are concerned that the school is not considering the wider relationship between the two children in responding to this issue and appears to be disregarding evidence that indicates the current allegations may be of malicious intent. You take particular issue with the actions of the guidance teacher in questioning your son without the presence of an appropriate adult to support him. This is especially pertinent given the serious of what was suggested to him and the potential long lasting consequences of accusing him of something which could legally be considered a hate crime. Her failure to take this into account and that fact that your son has SEN raises concerns over her professional judgement and ability to handle a situation of this delicacy. Note the deep distress this questioning caused him and you are considering initiating a formal complaint about safeguarding as a result.
I would make a list of recommendations to the school to resolve the situation including:

1. A formal (minuted) meeting with an independent mediator to discuss the issue and next steps (bring evidence of previous incidents eg. biting)
2. You remove consent for the school to discuss these matters with your son without a parent present (he is a minor with SEN and does not have the full ability to understanding the consequences of the severity of the accusations
3. A formal plan outlining the safeguarding steps the school plan to take to protect your son

i would also draw attention in the letter to the schools values (probably online somewhere) and where any of this challenges their own stated position. I would also note that should this harassment continue you may be left with little option but to escalate and involve the police. I would referred to this as "targeted behaviour" towards your son and use the phrasing another poster suggested about "coercive control" in seeking to make the two children continue to have a relationship. I would be extremely careful about referring to the trans issue and revert back to the pattern of behaviour narrative (you need to be confident your son hasn't don'e anything though).

Brilliant post. That's how a parent should handle bullying. Exemplary.

Also, play them at their own game. Named person has not gone away, but can now be more to your advantage, in that you don't need to take heed of them, but they should be taking heed of you and your child, and supporting your child's wellbeing. The guidance teacher is almost certainly your child's named person, and the head teacher was at primary.

As you will know, there's no board of governors at Scottish schools, the process is if you get no joy at the school, complain to the local authority (council), if you exhaust their complaints system, complain to the Scottish Public Services Ombudsman.

If you write to Scottish Government they'll spell that out in little more detail. That's the gist of it.

Get onto enquire.org.uk, your son has additional needs due to SEN, and being bullied. Enquire are there to help ensure he gets the help he needs.

You can phone enquire 09.30 - 4.30 on 0345 123 2303.

@Migrainesbythedozen

OP can your son travel to another school? Where I am it's not uncommon to have up to one hour commutes to school as parents often choose to send their kids to different schools in or out of their local area.

No, we live on a fairly remote island and there is literally only one secondary school. The only alternative would involve living away from home.

Apologies for not updating before now, I've had a fairly frantic week with other things (storm damage, poultry regulations, acres of forms to fill etc, it's a life if glamour I lead!).

I've emailed the HOY and I'm waiting for a reply. Son is advised to refuse to discuss this with guidance teacher, and refer her to me. Nothing further has happened at school, but it has never been every day anyway.

@daringdoris

It’s odd they gave you so much info on the child such as trip out with social workers. That’s private info

I'd guess that they didn't 'give info', but that the OP lives in a small community in a rural part of Scotland (2 in a year group?) and that it's common knowledge what your neighbours are doing.

I missed this earlier, sorry. Mostly, I know because I take my kids to activities and this kid would be brought to the same ones by social workers or social care workers (and I know who they are because in an area with a population of less than 4000, it's hard not to!). The kid also has siblings who know my other children. I have never, and would never, seek out private information of this kind, or listen to anyone who wanted to disclose it to me.