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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Please advise me re possible bullying by trans child

84 replies

BirdsAndBiscuits · 22/02/2022 17:26

My son is 14 . At primary school there were only 2 kids in his year group and the other kid was a menace (trying to be polite about it!). He is a bright kid, but violent and manipulative. School responded by trying all sort of special treatment, social workers took him on outings every week etc. His behaviour got worse as he learnt to manipulate his teachers and other adults. Eventually, we had to demand that our son was protected from him- at age 11 he was coming home covered in bite marks and bruises. Nothing was put in place for our son, but the other boy was given extra activities to distract him. Not helpful.

Once they went to secondary, it seemed to settle down. They were apart for most of their first year in secondary, which really helped. Then this year, the boy has changed his name to a mythical creature, wears false breasts under his jumper and insists that on the days of his choosing, he is now a girl. Son is a kind boy, and never intentionally mean, so he was just polite but stayed distant. The boy hasn't really made any friends and wants my son to spend lots of time with him. Son is polite but insists that he can't be forced to spend time with anyone. The boy tells the guidance teacher that my son is transphobic and is bullying him. He of course denies this, because it isn't true, but he also refused to say that he thinks Unicorn is really a girl now/sometimes.

Over the last few weeks, it has escalated. He tells teachers that my son hides his bag, calls him names and is generally nasty to him. There are always witnesses who say that he is making these accusations up, but the school is not listening to my son and always take the other boy's account as the true one. Today while he was waiting for another class, the guidance teacher pulled my son into a side room and asked a lot of very pointed questions about whether he had a problem with trans people, and why he was behaving so badly towards this other boy. Every time he tries to defend himself, it seems that he is dismissed and labelled as phobic.

My son has (mild-ish) SEN and we have fought so hard to get him extra help and support and we felt that he was doing much better than he had at primary school, and I'm so worried that this will escalate even further and end badly for him. We are in Scotland, which doesn't help. I'm trying to find a way round this without any reference to the boy being trans, because it's not really about that, but I can't seem to make it not about that. I do believe that my son hasn't been bullying the other boy (because it isn't in his nature and because he has a compulsion to confess every single thing he does wrong to me!), but I'm as sure as I can be that the other boy is using the trans issue as a stick to beat him with.

So far, my son has asked me not to speak to the guidance teacher(said he wants to save the nuclear option!), but I don't see me having a choice if this goes on. The trouble is, I don't know how to tackle this effectively without being dismissed as a transphobic Harpy and making it all worse.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of situation? I genuinely don't know how to deal with this and it really seems like this kid is untouchable. (I asked if it was okay to post here and son is fine with it, also Unicorn isn't really the kid's new name).

OP posts:

DogsAndGin · 22/02/2022 20:43

Call a meeting with the head, and tell them that due to documented violence, your son is not safe being in contact with Unicorn, and request that your sons do not come into contact, whatsoever, for his safety. If that means one of them moving class, then so be it.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 22/02/2022 21:23

OP, this is totally off topic but you mentioned upthread that "BlahBlahFishcakes" was taken - they don't seem to have ever posted - I don't know if MNHQ could release the name for you if you really wanted it?

LightfoldEngines · 22/02/2022 21:27

Nothing to do with him being trans, he is an asshole and probably a Narc, bordering on a compulsive liar as well.

But of course, whatever you say, it’ll be because he’s trans as if trans kids are all well behaved, lovely children.

TurquoiseBaubles · 22/02/2022 21:28

I hate to say this, but I would seriously consider moving house. There's another four or five years of school and if it hasn't been sorted by now it never will.

LilithOfEden · 22/02/2022 22:13

"Bullying" is a nebulous concept that covers a plethora of behaviours big and small. I think that when schools hear "bullying" they always downplay behaviours in favour of the bully, because they are harder to deal with than the victim; and often turn it around on the victim, accusing them of inviting the behaviour or in fact being the bully in the scenario, because if the victim is generally mild mannered and well behaved, it is easier to force them to change rather than the bully. I suspect the school knows full well what this child is up to, but have decided that the easiest way of dealing with their behaviour is to capitulate and force a friendship on your son.

If it was me, I would reframe the scenario with the school. Don't say bullying. Say that your child has fear. A real and visceral fear of violence from this other child which is a result of years of documented abuse from them. And that any attempt by the child or the school to force your son to spend time with the child is a form of coercive control. Much harder for the school to downplay and try to force a friendship than if you say they don't get on/your son doesn't like them, which is a situation they will try to manipulate with appeals to kindness and accusations of prejudice. If they mention the trans thing, just say it has no bearing and keep repeating that (because it's the truth). I would also escalate the matter to the governing body and make a formal complaint about the guidance teacher's behaviour.

dropthevipers · 23/02/2022 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

PamDenick · 23/02/2022 00:44

Not sure if it’s been mentioned, but you might want to ask Mumsnet to anonymise it he chosen name of the child…

NitroNine · 23/02/2022 07:30

@PamDenick

The OP’s first post ended with Unicorn isn't really the kid's new name so no need to worry there.

WarriorN · 23/02/2022 08:32

So was I, but it's a school where there was very entrenched culture of ignoring bullying. One of my other sons was dismissed and our complaints were ignored until another child pushed him over and actually stamped on his head. Even then, the other child was just told he couldn't go on the next school trip.
Unfortunately, there is only one primary and one secondary school in our area, so it's either that or nothing.

Op they're not safeguarding their pupils. They should be reported to Ofsted tbh. I now doubt if any proper procedures and records would have been followed/ kept.

Id take that view with the secondary too. They should be safeguarding your son.

Beowulfa · 23/02/2022 11:12

It shouldn't be relevant that the bully is trans, but it is because they're clever enough to realise it can give them special protected status.

A friend of mine's daughter was the target of a bully at primary school, culminating in a serious physical attack in front of witnesses. My friend felt that because the bully had behavioural issues and was adopted by a gay couple who were insistent he should be in mainstream education, the school minimised the situation because it was somehow awkward to accuse someone who "should" be oppressed of actually being the oppressor. She involved the school governors in the end (there was a massive safeguarding fail during the investigation).

OP you need to ask the school to focus on the actual facts of what's happened ie a list of specific actions, not "we just think he might be transphobic".

JuneGreen · 23/02/2022 12:11

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Rightsraptor · 23/02/2022 12:22

@JuneGreen how do you think your nasty comment could help OP? How is it helpful to come straight in and call OP a transphobe and say her son is probably a bully?

Or is that 'hope this helps' the usual passive/aggressive statement we get from people like you?

Goatsaregreat · 23/02/2022 12:36

[quote Rightsraptor]@JuneGreen how do you think your nasty comment could help OP? How is it helpful to come straight in and call OP a transphobe and say her son is probably a bully?

Or is that 'hope this helps' the usual passive/aggressive statement we get from people like you?[/quote]
The poster concerned is another new poster who has found their way to this little corner of the internet in order to abuse a parent (and their child) who is asking for help.

twelly · 23/02/2022 12:36

I think the approach from this school is similar to the approach from many schools and colleges. They are frightened of being called "phobic" and thereby try and avoid any criticism of the behaviour where the child is choosing to identify differently. I am afraid I do believe that many teenagers (not all) but a significant number are choosing to follow this trend for attention and do use this as an opportunity to bully others. What is more they are allowed to do as they claim they are being treated unfairly and the victim of phobia. It is appalling that teenagers are being allowed to bully buy the schools and colleges and that other children are suffering as a result

Eightiesfan · 23/02/2022 12:41

@JuneGreen

What are you talking about? Have you even read the OP? Perhaps you should take a minute before posting to ensure your professional outrage does not overwhelm common sense.

334bu · 23/02/2022 12:48

June is on another thread supporting adult males sharing sleeping accommodation with 11 year old girls, so I would ignore the transphobic jibe.

MabelTheCow · 23/02/2022 12:53

How concerning and distressing for you and your son.

I think before you speak to the school, you should practice using female nouns and pronouns for Unicorn. At the least, refer to her by person rather than boy which comes across as you don’t believe Unicorn and weakens your point that you and your son are not transphobic but Unicorn isn’t a good person.

Oblomov22 · 23/02/2022 13:18

You Really must stand up for your son, email today and ask for a meeting with HoY. Lay out all the history. That the use of transphobic is clever manipulation. Ask for all notes of the meeting to be recorded.

HecatesDinosaurs · 23/02/2022 14:21

I'm so sorry you and your son are having to deal with this. I have no idea how to deal with the school but just wanted to mention that home education might be worth looking into. There are home ed groups throughout Scotland and I can point you in the direction of a group local to you if you're interested. I know it's not for everyone but just wanted to throw it in there just incase.

dollybird · 23/02/2022 14:27

@MabelTheCow

How concerning and distressing for you and your son.

But the OP says Unicorn ' insists on the days of his choosing, he is now a girl'. How is anyone supposed to know what he/she wishes to be called on any particular day?

twelly · 23/02/2022 14:55

The OP's son should not be having to have home tuition (I understand the poster is making a sensible and helpful suggestion and I am not criticising that at all.) The school has a duty to all children and this seems to be forgotten as they are frightened due the phobic label potentially being directed towards them

StrawberryLetter32 · 24/02/2022 17:28

Thanks all - that's very good of the OP and of you to change the name. All the best.

gingerhills · 24/02/2022 17:46

Ask for a meeting with his form teacher HoY and the teacher who questioned him.
Explain to them very clearly that your son is being bullied and falsely accused and that him standing up to the bully is in no way a sign he is transphobic. Explain the history of sustained physical abuse and say that you have taught him he has the right not to mix with people who abuse and hurt him and Unicorn (FFS!) is one of those people.
If he has good enough friends, he could try to make sure he is moving in a small tribe at all times so he can't get cornered by the bully. If he is, he might want to switch his phone on and record any interaction
He might also want to learn how to say very firmly: I don't want anything to do with you. I'm fine with you being trans but you bullied me a lot at our last school and so I choose not to mix with you ever again. Thats the reason, the only reason, and it's a good enough one. You bit me, hit me and now I have no wish whatsoever to be your friend.
Maybe he could write it as a letter to show to the teachers and then give it to the boy to make it clear that any further escalation is harrassment.

girlwhowearsglasses · 24/02/2022 18:25

Stuck record time:

"How are you going to protect my son" ad infinitum.

Also OP re the head stamping incident. Never forget that the school is not the arbiter of the law. If a child does something violent and illegal against your child then the law is there to be upheld. You might be surprised what happens if you mention that to the head of year. I have never reported another child to the police; but I have pointed out that what they have done is assualt/cyberbullying/etc and that as the parent if a child i am responsible for their safety. If school can't stop a child assaulting another then it's time to escalate.

If I wish to report an incident to the police nothing is stopping me. This cuts both ways because a school doesn't have to deal with an incident that didn't happen on school premises (like when my DSs girlfriend accused him of some pretty shocking things that weren't true online) and although they did go out of their way to deal with it, they didn't have to.

Phobiaphobic · 24/02/2022 22:39

It IS about the boy being trans though. If that kid weren't trans, your son would be getting kindness and support. But because the special rainbow people always come first, your son is getting this shit from the school.

I don't know what I'd do, OP. I suspect I'd go fucking ballistic.

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