AIBU to wonder why the women just accept this?

[CremeEggsForBreakfast]

I am in a fashion-reated FB group. There are two men in the group who describe themselves as "men who like to wear dresses". These are their own words. The rest of the group are women.

The women bend over backwards to compliment the men who like to wear dresses, enthusing about the colour choices they wear, their accessories, and even their figures. This was fine by me - live and let live and all that - until recently when one of these men posted a photo of his bra and pants (albeit nearly folded on the bed) and how excited he was that they matched his dress. Again, the women enthused loudly, asking where he got said underwear etc.

It made me massively uncomfortable. Am I right in thinking he's getting off on this or am I just too suspicious? And why are all the other women leaping to accept him instead of asking him to keep him underwear out of shot?

It made me massively uncomfortable. Am I right in thinking he's getting off on this or am I just too suspicious? And why are all the other women leaping to accept him instead of asking him to keep him underwear out of shot?

I wouldn't like this.

However, I have to ask, do any other posters provide pics of their underwear choices with their outfits?

I think an element of self preservation is in play - don't do it to me, do it to Julia. Plus the #BeKind thing. And not wanting to place head above the parapet. And patriarchy ofc, conditions women to always centre men.

Etc etc.

If women post pics of their underwear then I don’t think I would have an issue with it, if they’re only doing the same thing as women in the group then I see no reason to be concerned, it’s just clothes. I would only be bothered if there seemed to be some sexual motive. I’ve know men who are “cross dressers” and I never sensed there was a sexual element to it, they were both gay so obviously not interested in women.

I think its about wanting to be liked and be nice, along with a little naivety because they don't realise it's sexual.

I'm in that group and I agree. The posters are very 'pick me' and 'so brave' about it looking at the proportion of responses to the men vs others. It seems fetishy to me the way some of the men post.

It made me massively uncomfortable. Am I right in thinking he's getting off on this or am I just too suspicious?

Yes
No

I agree. See also: the adulation of men who knit.

YANBU. It’s a paraphilia.

I agree. It's never underwear like this is it.

Going forward - a community builds upon behaviour that builds connection and cohesion. In any group a fracture occurs in instances where there is absence of understanding of what bonds the group or an intention to dominate and coerce the behaviour of the group.

Simply put this is where men often fracture a group because they want to dominate or become insensitive to the behaviour that actually binds the group together.

Always happy to be proved wrong though.

Not in that group but in something similar and there’s a man who goes on about having 1,200 dresses and changes them 3 times a day. He writes long, long posts about how he feels in womens clothes, what he wears under these clothes, how everyone compliments him on how good he looks in womens clothes.

Everyone falls over to congratulate him on his pithy insights about female style but to me it’s surely a fetish hiding in plain sight. Like most women I don’t get off on my clothes so the whole thing gives me the ick.

No other women post photos of underwear, no. Usually just pictures of themselves going about everyday life in their dress of the day or standing awkwardly in front of a mirror saying "I'm not sure if this suits me...."

It's not high fashion or evening wear. It's everyday clothing and otherwise very mundane and wholesome stuff.

since they describe themselves as 'men who like to wear dresses' I would have no problem with this- aren't we always saying that clothes are just clothes and anyone can wear what they want? That choice of underwear doesn't look particularly sexualised, and his comment is simply about the colour co ordination. I really cannot imagine being arsed with this level of colour co ordination myself.

I think if I was going to comment on any man's choice of dress I would confine myself to practical or aesthetic remarks such as 'do you think it will wash well? I think navy rather than black with that green
There's no need for any stunning/brave commentary and I agree that may come from wanting to 'be kind' but are the men actually angling for that (given their self description) or do they simply want a tedious discussion about clothes?

I am in that group - I recognised it immediately. Makes me equally uncomfortable. I have thought about leaving the group as a result, especially the fauning.

@Porridgeislife same . I was on a vintage 40s group and there was a self Iding trans woman in it who changed clothes two/three times a day. Expensive brands and expensive vintage items , with matching accessories,shoes etc. I ended up leaving the group as all these women were fawning over them. I wondered if they had a trans widow somewhere who was struggling for cash and raising their children ,while they maxed out the credit cards. ( Yeah this will be deleted won't it?). Yep can't understand why women make a fuss on these groups

I’m in a similar group and there is an obvious MTF poster and it depresses me to see other posters fawning over their posts saying they look fab when they look almost comical, and questions by other posters don’t get many answers at all.

@StringyPotatoes

No other women post photos of underwear, no. Usually just pictures of themselves going about everyday life in their dress of the day or standing awkwardly in front of a mirror saying "I'm not sure if this suits me...."

It's not high fashion or evening wear. It's everyday clothing and otherwise very mundane and wholesome stuff.

Someone else is on the same group! 😂

@TheGirlInTheGreenDress

I’m in a similar group and there is an obvious MTF poster and it depresses me to see other posters fawning over their posts saying they look fab when they look almost comical, and questions by other posters don’t get many answers at all.

There is a MTF trans poster in the group the OP mentions, she seems entirely legit and no suggestion of perving - just genuinely trying to live her best life. It's the men that are clearly trying to get the 'nice legs' comments that are an issue. I suspect they are riding the coattails of genuine trans posters and would claim transphobia if anyone commented, even there is a clear difference in behaviour and posting style (and no suggestion they are trans anyway).

The underwear is frankly just creepy.

@Ereshkigalangcleg

It made me massively uncomfortable. Am I right in thinking he's getting off on this or am I just too suspicious?

Yes
No

Yep.

it’s surely a fetish hiding in plain sight. Like most women I don’t get off on my clothes so the whole thing gives me the ick.

That's how I'd feel too. And I'd find the fawning extremely irritating. Not to mention this absurd and excited assumption apparently shared by so many TW and cross-dressers that women spend their whole time in a state of breathless excitement due to being turned on by mundane things like wearing clothes and going to the bathroom, and can't be in a room with a bed in it without having a pillow fight .

I wish we knew how to open those women’s eyes to the impact of what they are doing and that they don’t have to pander to men’s egos like that

@DialSquare

I agree. It's never underwear like this is it.

ha ha that's true.

I'd have to leave the group @CremeEggsForBreakfast it'd make me feel nauseated.

Style sisterhood by any chance? It's awash with certain men

aren't we always saying that clothes are just clothes and anyone can wear what they want?

Well, of course, but unfortunately the number of men who use women's clothes to achieve some level of sexual gratification seems quite high. I wear clothes from the men's section (pockets!) but don't crow about it and don't get off on it either.

These days, when kink shaming is considered some sort of terrible action instead of people keeping their sexual proclivities private, a man in women's clothing may very well be finding it sexually appealing, and using these groups to further increase his enjoyment. I wouldn't be comfortable with participating in that.

Women are socialised to accept and laugh off such behaviour from sex pests/creepy men/perverts/whatever you want to call them. Women don't commonly post pics like this and then laud over the woman poster's whose matching lingerie goes so well with their sexy outfit.

I bet these men are having a good ol' time wanking away at the unbridled attention they are getting. They know full well that what they are posting is salacious. Reminds me of those fully grown men who are into My Little Pony. Repulsive 🤢