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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

AIBU to wonder why the women just accept this?

85 replies

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 19/02/2022 12:33

I am in a fashion-reated FB group. There are two men in the group who describe themselves as "men who like to wear dresses". These are their own words. The rest of the group are women.

The women bend over backwards to compliment the men who like to wear dresses, enthusing about the colour choices they wear, their accessories, and even their figures. This was fine by me - live and let live and all that - until recently when one of these men posted a photo of his bra and pants (albeit nearly folded on the bed) and how excited he was that they matched his dress. Again, the women enthused loudly, asking where he got said underwear etc.

It made me massively uncomfortable. Am I right in thinking he's getting off on this or am I just too suspicious? And why are all the other women leaping to accept him instead of asking him to keep him underwear out of shot?

AIBU to wonder why the women just accept this?
OP posts:
aliasundercover · 19/02/2022 13:34

a little naivety because they don't realise it's sexual

Of course they realise it's sexual.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 19/02/2022 13:34

Yes yes it’s the fawning that does my head in

‘Oooo thank you man for coming along and womaning soooo much better than me being only a crappy old cunty type of woman. Wow you are soooo amazing, I bow to how superior you are to everyday women!!!!’ Hmm

Kenwouldmixitup · 19/02/2022 13:38

Interesting and important that this thread is recognising the damaging implications of the women’s ‘fawning’. We really do need to take responsibility for the impact of our behaviour.

Theimpossiblegirl · 19/02/2022 13:45

I'm in this group, tempted to leave but also curious to see how far they go.
A while ago someone wanted everyone to stop using the term ladies/women and when some members objected there was a massive pile on.
People were banned.
The company says it's about women but there's a lot of pandering and yes, fetishism in plain sight.

Clymene · 19/02/2022 13:45

I'm not sure they do realise it's sexual. Or not to the extent that they are contributing to the fetish.

And yes, anyone can wear any clothes. But bras are designed to contain breasts, which men don't have. And women's pants are cut for women's anatomy, not men's.

The poster is pushing women's boundaries. They're no longer getting off on just posting dresses, they're now seeing if they can get women to enthuse over their women's underwear.

And I don't buy the 'it's not that sexy'. Red lingerie is absolutely marketed as sexy. Confused

WonderfulYou · 19/02/2022 13:47

I wouldn’t have an issue with it if it’s similar to the photo you posted but I would if they were posing in their underwear (same as I would if they were females actually).

Some men do enjoy dressing in females clothes. I personally don’t see the appeal but I don’t judge as I do have some items of clothes that are men’s too.
I have quite a few friends that wear men’s boxer shorts instead of female underwear but I don’t think they don’t do it for sexual reasons.

RinklyRomaine · 19/02/2022 13:54

I left two beauty groups for this reason. The first couple of posts were fairly timid, with zillions of fawning posts applauding crazy blue eyeshadow looks with stubble and cakey foundation which would NOT have got that kind of adulation if the posters were female. The posts started ramping up, especially in one of the groups, until the makeup was secondary to the fishnets and sex doll quivering lips, still with dozens of women seemingly not realising they were participating in a fetish. Couldn't stand it any more.

WeeBisom · 19/02/2022 14:34

I have a theory about why women fawn over men in mainly women's spaces. You can see a similar phenomenon on the makeup group in reddit. Women fall over themselves to upvote and gush over men's very basic (sometimes laughably crap) makeup looks. I think part of the reason is that women's hobbies and interests are often denigrated...think of how football (a typical male pursuit) is elevated to something worthy of serious analysis and consideration, whereas makeup, for instance, is seen as frivolous or basic. So when a man deigns to dip his toe into a female hobby it's seen as flattering. He isn't just dismissing, but he's actually showing an interest. In our society, women are not often portrayed or held up as mentors or experts. No one pays women thousands of pounds to talk endlessly about fashion or makeup on mainstream media, in the same way that men are paid to talk about football, or cars.

It's also very unusual for a man to seek out women specifically for advice about something, so when men come into these groups women enjoy the chance to teach him something. And you can also add into the mix the fact that women are socialised to be helpful and assist whenever they can, and to be kind, of course.

What surprises me is how naive many women are about men using these platforms as an opportunity to indulge a fetish. I remember a woman got banned from r/makeup because she pointed out that a man had a history of posting pictures of his makeup and then writing in detail about masturbating over female comments. She actually had screenshots of this! And she was deleted and banned for being unkind and for 'judging him'. And his user name was something crazy like 'sissygirlmakeup'. Maybe women just don't want to see this, because it can't be nice to spend time and effort on someone only for it to be nothing but wank fodder.

Phobiaphobic · 19/02/2022 14:46

I'd be tempted to post something like. 'Oh yes, good choice. Red knickers are so handy when you get your period.'

Hasselhoffsheadband · 19/02/2022 15:03

This happened in a FB beauty group I was in. A transwoman posted lots of full length selfies, and there were loads of fawning comments.

It then transpired that this person was trying to message inappropriately to some of the younger members of the group and it all went a bit tits up!

Kenwouldmixitup · 19/02/2022 15:13

@WeeBisom * I have a theory about why women fawn over men in mainly women's spaces.* Well said.

@Phobiaphobic * I'd be tempted to post something like. 'Oh yes, good choice. Red knickers are so handy when you get your period.'* Would introduce a healthy sense of reality into the group. “Trump that!”

Linguini · 19/02/2022 15:15

It made me massively uncomfortable. Am I right in thinking he's getting off on this or am I just too suspicious?
God no. Both of these men in this group have a tired wrist I'm sure.

Linguini · 19/02/2022 15:16

They're not claiming to be women though are they?

teawamutu · 19/02/2022 15:45

@Linguini

They're not claiming to be women though are they?
No, but they're appropriating a women's space used for everyday conversation about clothes, to get the women there to participate in their sexual fetish.

It's entitled and grim.

Carbiesdreamhouse · 19/02/2022 15:54

@roarfeckingroarr

Style sisterhood by any chance? It's awash with certain men
I'm in this group and agree. What I don't get is that they wear utterly ridiculous clothes most of the time and everyone piles on to agree that they're amazing. No one is saying "actually you don't tend to wear badly fitting knee high stripper boots to the office". And they seem to post repeatedly each day. It seems very unhealthy.
Theimpossiblegirl · 19/02/2022 16:21

I think it's a Popsy group. It's a shame because generally it's a really good group, but it's grown recently and seems to be losing its way.

terryleather · 19/02/2022 16:52

@AlsoNotAGirl

I wish we knew how to open those women’s eyes to the impact of what they are doing and that they don’t have to pander to men’s egos like that
The women are also being used as props in a paraphilia. Grim.
ScrollingLeaves · 19/02/2022 17:03

Looking at the picture I think the person wearing those things is genuinely taking a lot of pleasure in co-ordinating the outfit in every possible way and with the aim of achieving as much magazine style feminist as possible. I (female) was very like this at about age 13 - 17.

I don’t think it looks as though the goal is sexual, but who knows?

I think it is the women’s fault for colluding and promoting this person being part of their women’s girly set up and I don’t blame you for feeling uncomfortable about it in general.

Soontobe60 · 19/02/2022 17:10

@Elsiebear90

If women post pics of their underwear then I don’t think I would have an issue with it, if they’re only doing the same thing as women in the group then I see no reason to be concerned, it’s just clothes. I would only be bothered if there seemed to be some sexual motive. I’ve know men who are “cross dressers” and I never sensed there was a sexual element to it, they were both gay so obviously not interested in women.
Have you heard of APG?
ArticSaviour · 19/02/2022 17:14

Just seen the most recent pictures. Really bloody uncomfortable. But if you say anything there is a massive pile on...

Echobelly · 19/02/2022 17:15

I agree with @ScrollingLeaves that it doesn't seem especially sexual to me, it's quite discreet. So I honestly couldn't say whether he's getting sexual kicks from it or not. But maybe he needs telling no woman ever matches he undies to her outfit like that, or actually wears red underwear. Wink

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 19/02/2022 17:21

I think I am a member of this group. Does this person have a name beginning with A, 5 letters total? Quite odd, and I would be uncomfortable about that. I stopped following it quite so much, when a transwomen who lives near me started lots of attention seeking on it.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 19/02/2022 17:21

Transwoman, not women.

RVN123 · 19/02/2022 18:23

I think is absolutely sexual, and absolutely getting off on imagining all his handmaidens fawning over him.

Women are socialised to defer to and be kind to men.

For those saying the choice of clothes/underwear isn't that erotic, maybe he just has shite taste in clothes and thinks they look sexy. Maybe he's an older guy?

Anyway, I'm sure this is how a lot of AGP people start off, just ask the TransWidows.

terryleather · 19/02/2022 18:54

@Echobelly

I agree with *@ScrollingLeaves* that it doesn't seem especially sexual to me, it's quite discreet. So I honestly couldn't say whether he's getting sexual kicks from it or not. But maybe he needs telling no woman ever matches he undies to her outfit like that, or actually wears red underwear. Wink
It's sexual, no question.

I think many many women have no ideas just how strong many men's sex drives are or the myriad things that get them off that probably wouldn't even cross most women's minds.

I've just been listening to a podcast about a killer who was sexually motivated to break into women's houses - seeing an open window in a flat was apparently enough to give him a sexual thrill.