Bringing your whole self to work

[FlyingOink]

What are your thoughts on this?

As a lesbian, out at work and highly visible, I like not having to make up a pretend husband if questioned by colleagues.

But does my workplace need to know everything about who I am as a person? Is there any benefit to this?

I think the move towards always-on working, where WFH can bleed over into leisure time, the fact many people work shifts, zero or minimum hours, or casually, and the fact our employers seem to want to own us almost entirely makes the idea that I have to commit to sharing my whole self with them really off-putting.

Also, what do I do with this information about my colleagues? Is it relevant? Where I'd maybe get to know someone as a friend and then learn of their passion for model boats or romantic poetry or the Liberal Democrats, now am I expected to be faced with all of this information and somehow use it?

Is bringing your whole self to work forcing the issue, is it harmless as an idea, what does it mean for various people? And how do you set boundaries around privacy if other people are determined to overshare?

Codes of conduct in the workplace surely imply we're being paid to leave bits of our whole selves at home?!
You've nailed it there...

Slightly random, but related, video clip:

Contrasting how old-school and modern Star Trek crews handle their workplace. Regarding Star Trek: Discovery:

I love how these people are able to just say and do whatever the fuck they want with zero repercussions, casually back chatting their commanding officers, and generally acting like immature morons. Seriously the level of discipline and professionalism here is about the same as a fucking liberal arts college. They're like teenagers that have suddenly been put in command of a starship with no training or preparation. They're impulsive hyperactive, emotionally unstable, unprofessional and generally pretty incompetent. They're the absolute last people on earth you'd trust your life to.

I think it's very sad for someone to have to hide who they are for fear of being judged or discriminated. There are sectors which have been enlightened for decades when it comes to orientation such as the travel sector (heavily hit by Covid I appreciate). Being openly LGBT doesn't hold anyone back from being appointed or promoted right up to the top level. A considerable percentage of staff working in the sector are LGBT because of this openness. Some travel companies provided widow pensions for LGBT partners years before civil partnership / marriage legislation.

@JMY123

I think it's very sad for someone to have to hide who they are for fear of being judged or discriminated. There are sectors which have been enlightened for decades when it comes to orientation such as the travel sector (heavily hit by Covid I appreciate). Being openly LGBT doesn't hold anyone back from being appointed or promoted right up to the top level. A considerable percentage of staff working in the sector are LGBT because of this openness. Some travel companies provided widow pensions for LGBT partners years before civil partnership / marriage legislation.

Where has anyone here suggested people should hide who they are?

If that’s what you’ve taken from this thread you are misreading.

I bloody hate “bringing your whole self to work”. I’m in the civil service and my Dept embraced this wholeheartedly several years ago. I thought it was lovely at first but over time I’ve come to realise it’s utter bollocks. People with certain political views are certainly not able to bring them to my workplace, people from certain backgrounds are unable to talk about them and frankly promotion & progress still depends on people being “visible” ie extrovert, participative & involved in the right projects 🤷‍♀️

I really agree with so many of the posts on this thread about this "whole self" bollocks being bad.

As well as all the great points already made - I think it's pandering to babyish thinking to think we can't all work together without empathy and quasi-intimate friendships. I know that one of the arguments for this sort of bollocks is that people will collaborate in teams better if they know all about them, and relate to them as friends. I think this is pathetic. At school if you tried to get out of being put on a different rounders team from your best friend, you would have been told to grow up and get on with it. Now we are all adults, apparently it is legitimate to expect to be able to make fwends with someone before you can work properly on a team with them? Oh for heaven's sake.

Of course that doesn't even cover the fact that the more you know about some people, the less you will like them. It's safer just to stay professional; and to understand that getting a project done with someone doesn't mean that you have to feel about them as you would someone you go on holiday with.

The other thing is that it really is dangerous, depending on what you have to disclose. I know someone who decided to deal with an alcohol problem by getting professional help and opened up to work about it. When he was drinking, secretly, he was a mess, but he was trusted with huge teams and massive budgets. When he stopped, and owned up to his problem in the past, everyone congratulated him for being so amazing and brave and honest, but the trust was gone and he was sidelined and left out in the cold. He was right to get help, but now (still sober) he wishes he'd lied about it.

I’m not bringing my council estate background and how many relatives are/have been in prison to work. I’m not ashamed of my background but I 100% know it will count against me for work opportunities

Yes, it’s always struck me that it’s a concept that only works for a certain group of people - those with the ‘right’ views and background and education. I mentor several people who don’t have those things and it’s a problem for them.

I have very different work / home / leisure personas. It would be very difficult to bring all of them to work. My work self would get very pissed off with the sweary, disorganised, anxious home self. The home self would get bored and wander off, with the work self telling the social self to stf up and do some bloody work. I can’t see it leading to promotion tbh.
I really, really don’t want to see other people’s whole selves either. What if they are racists, or perverts or evangelical or wear a football strip? Or go on about their child care problems not realising that most people have these problems.

It’s not always appropriate to bring your whole self to work. I don’t need to see your beloved Page 3 calendar or your anti-abortion campaign posters. I don’t want to hear about your sex life or toilet habits. It’s fine and normal to have some unexpressed thoughts.

@MilitantFawcett

Yes, it’s always struck me that it’s a concept that only works for a certain group of people - those with the ‘right’ views and background and education. I mentor several people who don’t have those things and it’s a problem for them.

Exactly. Bring your whole self to work but only if its the right kind of whole self.

I wonder if bosses realise how much acting we do to fit in with them? Is this idea more that we reassure them that we're just like them? i.e. We pretend to all be of the same class and the same background and interested in Martin's new road bike and how his peloton through the Surrey Hills went, even if we don't give a fuck?

What are your thoughts on this?
As a lesbian, out at work and highly visible, I like not having to make up a pretend husband if questioned by colleagues.
But does my workplace need to know everything about who I am as a person?

I see it as meaning that just like you say, you should be able to be yourself.
Not feel you have to hide away, or pretend to be something you're not.
Your post seems contradictory - on the one hand you seem to be benefiting from a non discriminatory policy, and enjoying it, but on the other saying "why do they need to know about my life, and me as a person?"
Would you rather they didn't?
Or do you mean it's OK to be out at work and highly visible if you're gay or lesbian, but not trans?
Apologies if that's not what you're getting at.

@NecessaryScene

Slightly random, but related, video clip:

Contrasting how old-school and modern Star Trek crews handle their workplace. Regarding Star Trek: Discovery:

I love how these people are able to just say and do whatever the fuck they want with zero repercussions, casually back chatting their commanding officers, and generally acting like immature morons. Seriously the level of discipline and professionalism here is about the same as a fucking liberal arts college. They're like teenagers that have suddenly been put in command of a starship with no training or preparation. They're impulsive hyperactive, emotionally unstable, unprofessional and generally pretty incompetent. They're the absolute last people on earth you'd trust your life to.

Hahahahahaha!

This is exactly what I thought when I watched Discovery. How did these people get these jobs!

@FlyingOink

What are your thoughts on this?

As a lesbian, out at work and highly visible, I like not having to make up a pretend husband if questioned by colleagues.

But does my workplace need to know everything about who I am as a person? Is there any benefit to this?

I think the move towards always-on working, where WFH can bleed over into leisure time, the fact many people work shifts, zero or minimum hours, or casually, and the fact our employers seem to want to own us almost entirely makes the idea that I have to commit to sharing my whole self with them really off-putting.

Also, what do I do with this information about my colleagues? Is it relevant? Where I'd maybe get to know someone as a friend and then learn of their passion for model boats or romantic poetry or the Liberal Democrats, now am I expected to be faced with all of this information and somehow use it?

Is bringing your whole self to work forcing the issue, is it harmless as an idea, what does it mean for various people? And how do you set boundaries around privacy if other people are determined to overshare?

What about a planned cover story that covers your actual pperspectives and preferences, but with realistic believable options for x situations ?

Where does it come from? In my last job it was HR driving it. A lovely but clueless woman of the #BeKind variety, and she got it from the CIPD organisation. But where did they get it...?

I think the ideal is for who you are outside work to be completely irrelevant to your opportunities and treatment at work. That leads to people not needing to hide anything. I’m in Civil Service and honestly I’m often shocked by how much people bring their personal politics to the office. If you can’t put your personal views aside & carry out the will of elected Ministers you’re in the wrong place.

FlyingOink -"I wonder if bosses realise how much acting we do to fit in with them? Is this idea more that we reassure them that we're just like them? i.e. We pretend to all be of the same class and the same background and interested in Martin's new road bike and how his peloton through the Surrey Hills went, even if we don't give a fuck?"

YYYY!
And OMG their boring little children whom they barely know and pretend make them some fabulous and involved dad, but everything they say about this child is tedious and generic and cliched and sounds like it was lifted from a cosy dad column in a sunday paper. But you have to smile warmly and act like you are interested

But anyway I came here to say this: young people are always saying they want to feel "safe" and certain things make them feel "unsafe". I would argue strongly that a well structured set of boundaries between work matters and personal matters, and a culture of adhering to them, would afford everyone not just dignity and privacy (important), but also the "safety" that people seem to feel they need, where a lack of safety is becoming reminded that if some of the people around you could, they would organise the world strongly to your disadvantage.

@GoodieMoomin

Where does it come from? In my last job it was HR driving it. A lovely but clueless woman of the #BeKind variety, and she got it from the CIPD organisation. But where did they get it...?

I don’t know but I distinctly remember my old Perm Sec (Claire Moriarty) driving it in my Dept. In some ways it’s been helpful to discussion though as I’m hearing more and more people saying “this is bollocks, I just want to be judged on how I do my job”.

I just want to be judged on how I do my job

See, that to me sounds much more fair.

@GoodieMoomin

Where does it come from? In my last job it was HR driving it. A lovely but clueless woman of the #BeKind variety, and she got it from the CIPD organisation. But where did they get it...?

There's probably some management theory that suggests the more people lose the distinction between work and their private life, the happier they are to spend more of their day working, or something. I really think the work/life balance is no longer balanced. Maybe for the kind of man who doesn't know his kids and answers emails in the bath through choice, it is actually helpful to be able to impose his personality on his colleagues, but for his wife in her job it's a distraction? Or for the twentysomething in a cheap suit wedded to "grind culture" it makes up for a lack of actual pay and free time? From what I hear of some tech workplaces, eg video game development, the perks like a gym or free doughnuts etc fail to make up for the 60-80 hour weeks and lack of advancement. But what's cheaper for the employer? Cod psychology and doughnuts or fair pay and career progression?

Does this mean I can finally attend work as my true self ?

On Mondays I am a nudist.
On Tuesdays I do pup play
On Wednesdays I take a vow of silence, this extends to all forms of communication
On Thursdays I need connection to my children so want to bring my three under fives in
On Fridays I observe the sabbeth and will not work.

It looks to be an interesting week, this week.

Being less cynical, perhaps this idea has just had it’s day. It was necessary to get workplaces to a point where personal characteristics don’t matter or impede progression. Normalising difference probably does more to challenge bias than painful yearly training.

@FlyingOink

In that particular workplace, I really felt like senior management were keen on this culture of oversharing because it made us quite vulnerable and they liked knowing as much about us as possible. I saw a few times people being encouraged to share information and then becoming the focus of extra scrutiny if it was felt that there was something going on in their personal lives that might take their focus off work.

This is what I was getting at, and it's interesting it was aimed at younger workers. I think young people have poor boundaries around work because they have a poor job market, and are used to crappy contracts/hours/security and non-existent career advancement.

I just hate the idea of David Brent wanting to get into some young employee's psyche so he can instill deep loyalty to ACME Products Ltd or whatever the fuck they were called.

I don't even like "checking in" in group meetings (thankfully we don't do that anymore) because actually if I'm really upset because of a bereavement it's up to me who I tell and why. Likewise if I don't trust the company and feel really dubious about X new initiative. It suits me to keep that quiet, and I should be allowed to without cod psychology probing at my bloody feelings.

This is one of the biggest dangers of this type of policy. Younger employees who don't know the unspoken rules of what and what isn't appropriate to share in a professional environment don't end up learning these boundaries, and even worse, they're actually encouraged to see behaving at work as you might in a social situation with friends as normal or desirable. Disaster when they then move to a new workplace and their behaviour, which was encouraged in their previous job, is seen as unprofessional.

This has made me think of an example of this sort of thing going wrong that I saw in real life. My 'bring your whole self to work'-type setting resulted in people feeling really too relaxed about the topics of conversation in the work kitchen. I can distinctly remember a raucous conversation between a group of work mates about online dating and some of their experiences- not the sort of chat that everyone would want to be forced to listen to while they make a cup of tea. I don't mind hearing it, but I did mind that other people might mind and feel like the staff kitchen wasn't a comfortable place to be. These policies can be really non-inclusive for people who, quite rightly, want to maintain boundaries with their work colleagues.

Good analogy with being fobbed off with beer and pizza when a crappily organised project means you have to work late to get it done. I don't want cheap beer and pizza at 10pm x nights a month, I want to get my work done in time to leave and have good home made food with friends or family at my own expense. Same with relationships - I don't want faux intimacy at work, i want work to be contained enough within my life to allow me time and resource to develop rewarding personal relationships outside of work.

@FlyingOink I agree, I think a lot of this is about getting as much out of employees as possible in terms of their commitment to their jobs, and it's unhealthy. It wouldn't surprise me if the theory is that if work becomes somewhere to socialise, form friendships, and pour absolutely every part of who you are into your role, the lines between work and home become blurred and it becomes harder to detach from work when you need to. That doesn't mean that some of the sentiment behind it isn't worthy, but I think it could really benefit employers to have their employees deeply emotionally bonded to their workplace by encouraging oversharing. Plus, as you say, it's a free way to say that you're prioritising staff well-being.

I feel the same way about the trend for promoting mindfulness in workplaces. I actually think mindfulness is helpful and use aspects of what I learned. But I also found that it gave some employers an excuse to not address causes of stress in the workplace. I remember massively struggling with job-related stress, and my employer at the time was keen to encourage me to practice mindfulness instead of addressing my unmanageable workload.