Bringing your whole self to work

[FlyingOink]

What are your thoughts on this?

As a lesbian, out at work and highly visible, I like not having to make up a pretend husband if questioned by colleagues.

But does my workplace need to know everything about who I am as a person? Is there any benefit to this?

I think the move towards always-on working, where WFH can bleed over into leisure time, the fact many people work shifts, zero or minimum hours, or casually, and the fact our employers seem to want to own us almost entirely makes the idea that I have to commit to sharing my whole self with them really off-putting.

Also, what do I do with this information about my colleagues? Is it relevant? Where I'd maybe get to know someone as a friend and then learn of their passion for model boats or romantic poetry or the Liberal Democrats, now am I expected to be faced with all of this information and somehow use it?

Is bringing your whole self to work forcing the issue, is it harmless as an idea, what does it mean for various people? And how do you set boundaries around privacy if other people are determined to overshare?

..and there’s the problem with the concept; do they really mean ‘whole selves’ without sanction and therefore requiring us to re-visit what is and isn’t criminal, or do they not mean ‘whole selves’ and thus revealing the whole thing as bullshit?

Who knows? It's not clear. Are some aspects of the self still taboo, and is that line the same for everyone?
Like the young woman who talked about her dating life as a bisexual, would that still be acceptable if she was sixty, or would that suddenly be inappropriate? It all seems a bit creepy.

I have autism and do everything I can not to bring my authentic self to work. I expend an enormous amount of energy masking my condition and trying to pass myself as "normal".

@AlfonsoTheUnrepentant

I have autism and do everything I can not to bring my authentic self to work. I expend an enormous amount of energy masking my condition and trying to pass myself as "normal".

Do you feel that requiring more emotional output from employees puts you at a disadvantage?

I guess what really concerns me is the idea that companies use this personal information as leverage to manipulate employees psychologically. If it's used to support people that's a positive. But does that always happen?

Some sharing is normal, but if it's forced, and if it makes people more vulnerable, then that's just creepy. Which is why I'm concerned about employers wanting to know too much about young employees, or women employees, and there doesn't seem to be much sharing going on re the male, pale and stale board members.

Also the "oversharing for shock value" and inappropriate details about personal lives. The rubber suit wanker guy for example. How did him bringing his whole self to work affect the people who work with him? Who benefits there? Not the employees and not the employer either.

Someone mentioned cultural aspects - in my personal experience this is very rarely positive. Someone might ask a few questions "where are you from, where are you really from, where is your name from, where is your family from" etc but do they give a monkey's about the answer or do they just want to be able to say they met someone from X country? I'm not talking about a conversation with a new friend, but in a work context. Does it matter where I'm from? What do I get out of telling you?

Creepy is the least of it FlyingOink.

A short blog post reminding that some people are bisexual so please don’t be surprised if someone mentions a boyfriend one week and a girlfriend another (in the context say of casually mentioning who picked them up from work), is very far away from the detail of their bisexual experience which is not appropriate for the workplace and is clearly going to be wank fodder in the workplace for some. I can’t think who would want to encourage that

And absolutely re over sharing. Some people really do live by the adage “knowledge is power”.

When I first started my current job I was in a team that was predominantly male (me and one other female). First and most important question to me was what football team I supported.

Do you feel that requiring more emotional output from employees puts you at a disadvantage?

Not really. I'd like co-workers to understand what it means to have autism (no, we're not robots; no, not all of us are good at maths) to be clearer in communication and to dial down the office politics.

@DeadoftheMoon

Never share anything you don't want to share. Have a work persona. You are entitled to boundaries.

I agree.

But I also think it’s much harder for younger staff especially to develop an understanding of healthy boundaries in the workplace if the senior staff are encouraging ‘bring your whole self to work’ as some pro inclusion policy. I suspect many, especially young women, would really struggle to get the balance right while trying to people please and show an effort to help others ‘feel included’.

Workplaces should have robust policies about what is and isn’t appropriate at work.

@FlyingOink

I think because men are judged less they do have greater freedom to be themselves. I'm not sure that's what gives them the advantage, or if it's about being facilitated at home. I saw an excellent thread here about that - basically if you have an operative who is getting fed, fucked, washed and ironed at home with zero household responsibilities versus an operative who does the "second shift" as soon as she walks through her front door, which operative is going to do better at work (and be available for a pint on a Friday or a last minute golf weekend?)

I think men as a group conduct things like small talk differently.

I don't know why, but it's something I noticed because I find it a lot harder to make small talk with women. They talk more about personal things. Men tend to talk about stuff they do.

So it may be that women in a workplace need to adjust their natural tendencies more. I think this is something they are capable of doing and it seems to be somewhat culturally dependent too, based on my observations of women's small talk in other countries.

Haven't read the full thread, but just wanted to say that I think this concept is total bs.

I worked for a big tech company that was really into this and into celebrating diversity, being open about your mental health difficulties etc. I thought it was great.

Then they hired my abusive ex into the same office. I tried to get reasonable accommodations made, like being able to block him from seeing my posts in the company discussion forums and not being literally in the same office building as him. They were incredibly upset on my behalf, really understood how traumatic and upsetting all this must be for me, but told me that they were not going to do anything. But they were very sorry I was upset.

I then wrote a long piece for their special "Open up about mental health" initiative about my experience of emotional and sexual abuse and how my abuser was now in the same office as me which was uh difficult. My boss, who was incredibly supportive, encouraged me to publish it, but it got shut down (obviously) by a senior HR person (who also bizarrely encouraged me to report my ex to the police). I quit.

I don't think these company mantras are anything more than marketing bullshit. When push comes to shove, the company will fuck you over totally if it saves them a scandal or benefits their bottom line. Don't believe the hype and join a union (but not UCU).

@LobsterNapkin it's probably because men are able to DO more stuff to have it to talk about. The gold, the cycling hobbies etc. All facilitated by women who are left to share their personal side because they don't have time/space for extra hobbies IME. Women also have more to prove at work so saying you spent all weekend canoeing comes across less well than saying you spent it working on a work project (at least at my work).

@AlfonsoTheUnrepentant

Do you feel that requiring more emotional output from employees puts you at a disadvantage?

Not really. I'd like co-workers to understand what it means to have autism (no, we're not robots; no, not all of us are good at maths) to be clearer in communication and to dial down the office politics.

Fair enough. I'd like that too. Sorry if you thought my question was rude.

My last post may have seemed a bit glib, but as others have said it is perhaps the difference between men and women in the office. Women would maybe ask about the home life set up, the men just went straight for the football team.

My conversations when I was in that team were very different to the ones I have now where the male / female balance is the other way round.

@AlfonsoTheUnrepentant

Do you feel that requiring more emotional output from employees puts you at a disadvantage?

Not really. I'd like co-workers to understand what it means to have autism (no, we're not robots; no, not all of us are good at maths) to be clearer in communication and to dial down the office politics.

This is what really ticks me off about it - it's appropriation in many ways. Because employees with Autism should not have to mask and pretend to be neurotypical, it's very hard work and beyond stressful. Disabled employees should not have to mask, chronically ill ones shouldn't. It's about workplaces being actually equally accessible.

That's absolutely a cause I'll get behind - although it could be phrased a whole lot better, since as a disabled person like most pps here, I'll share what I want to share thanks, and I'm there to do a job. But not forcing people to mask a disability or feel they have to be nervous about letting slip about a same sex partner is not the same thing as behaving sexually inappropriately in the work place and expecting that to be ok because otherwise that's masking too.

As always with this politics, it's where it becomes appropriation to push other people's boundaries while making it hard for people to say no.

@Artichokeleaves

I agree with your meaning, as someone with disabilities and with children with disabilities.

But even this has to be work place appropriate.

If someone has borderline personality disorder or severe anxiety or ptsd or any other mh problem and comes to work and tells everyone how suicidal they are/obsessions they have/self destructive behaviours they have/feelings of rage they have, and then say that’s just their disability and they should be able to bring their whole self to work, then that wouldn’t be ok.

I’ve had reasonable adjustments at work for me Adhd where I can use the managers office to type up paper work rather than the communal office. I’ve had a member of staff complain about this before claiming it negatively impacts their mh problems. She claimed it set off her paranoia and she felt anxious working late shifts just with me because ‘she felt lonely and unsupported’ when I’d do risk assessment or support plans in the managers office in between seeing service users. She’d be miffed I never took a break to eat dinner with her because I’d just grab cup of soup & some bread to have while I’d be typing or I’d grab something when supporting a service user out to get their own dinner. But to me I prefer being on the go at work and I feel anxious if I’m not on top of paper work and don’t use time productively. Plus, it was a job where I was a mh support worker for adults with paranoid schizophrenia and other serious mh problems. I didn’t need to be a support worker for my coworker when I was supposed to be filling in the paper work to help support our service users.

We had a lot of problems with staff like this, only this one aimed it at me specifically but there were several stage incidents I witnessed and had to report to managers then. I was really young also, 21/22, which made it harder to figure out appropriate boundaries. We had some very unwell service users, some who were dangerous and ended up back in hospital. But I found them so much easier to figure out boundaries with them because we were supported to. But there was a very pro mh/pro disability attitude in terms of employment, which in a lot of ways was great- it’s probably part of why they employed me as part time around uni- but it meant we had a lot of dysfunctional staff members at times and the mostly young female staff team were almost expected to act as support workers for coworkers also. I’ve been on my own with drunk male member of staff, alone with another guy who had a break down in front of me and started talking about how he wanted to kill himself after growing up in a war torn country and watching his mother get raped and why didn’t I care (I was in trauma therapy at the time because of my own csa) there was a member of staff who continually pissed off service users by refusing to give the support scheduled and claimed her bipolar disorder made her erratic (she was just rude imho) another who had hearing impairment who would stand so close to service users they became (more) paranoid because she couldn’t hear or do it to us and said we’d just have to get used to it, and another who would talk about her eating disorder in front of service users and count calories in what they ate. Oh and one who claimed religion cured his depression so our service users must all try it and they wouldn’t need clozapine anymore.

This is 20+ years ago now, so maybe not as relevant. But there’s often going to be more than one person with disabilities in any organisation and although we shouldn’t have to hide it or pretend to not have disabilities it doesn’t mean we should bring all the problems disabilities cause us into the workplace either. There has to be an appropriate balance, and it’s senior staff who should be setting that, and ‘bring your whole self to work’ feels like it could backfire in so many ways.

[quote Santastuckincustoms]@LobsterNapkin it's probably because men are able to DO more stuff to have it to talk about. The gold, the cycling hobbies etc. All facilitated by women who are left to share their personal side because they don't have time/space for extra hobbies IME. Women also have more to prove at work so saying you spent all weekend canoeing comes across less well than saying you spent it working on a work project (at least at my work).[/quote]
I don't know about that, I would say it is true among younger, unmarried women without kids, as well.

This is what really ticks me off about it - it's appropriation in many ways. Because employees with Autism should not have to mask and pretend to be neurotypical, it's very hard work and beyond stressful. Disabled employees should not have to mask, chronically ill ones shouldn't. It's about workplaces being actually equally accessible.

Yeah, I also agree with BloodinGutters, this isn't straightforward. It's perfectly possible to get along with people who have some odd or unusual behaviours and needs, and some people would do well to be more open to them. But people are still going to have to "mask" things at work sometimes. They just are. And actually quite a lot of people have to do this at work to some extent, it's very naive to assume it's just people with autism or disabilities or whatever.

I have pretty serious social anxiety about certain things, talking to new people to some extent, and especially talking on the phone. I'm an extreme introvert at the best of times and in some workplaces that wears. I've always had to pretend to be more comfortable with those things than I am. I've often had to pretend about physical ailments over the years, that I do not feel sick as a dog, that my pregnancy has not given me the worst pikes ever, etc. This stuff is not interesting to other people at work, they can't do anything about them, they just want to be able to get along with you and for you to do your job.

Some people can't modify their behaviour of course, but that will limit some of their options. Ideally not unnecessarily, but in a role that requires a lot of interpersonal sensitivity, for example, some people may not be able to manage.

Fair enough. I'd like that too. Sorry if you thought my question was rude.

@FlyingOink, no it wasn't rude at all! I always appreciate people asking.

I cant stand the concept of ‘bringing your whole self’ to work. It’s so intrusive. Unprofessional too. We’re all adults. BYWS so misleading to the junior ones too who can’t yet decode the code. They could come a cropper if they actually brought their genuine whole self to work. They don’t realise that no manager really wants their staff to be their ‘whole self’, we’re all just there to work for them with the minimum of hassle to the employer. Our professional selves are the only self that’s welcome at work.
The workplace doesn’t want to have to deal with our whole selves. We’d have needs they’d have to meet. Employers would have to change how they treat lots of us. BYWSTW is a low cost way of pretending to be inclusive and supportive. I want privacy and a life away from work thanks.

But I also think it’s much harder for younger staff especially to develop an understanding of healthy boundaries in the workplace if the senior staff are encouraging ‘bring your whole self to work’ as some pro inclusion policy. I suspect many, especially young women, would really struggle to get the balance right while trying to people please and show an effort to help others ‘feel included’.

Young people are also often coming out of school or university, where boundaries are totally different. They need older people to show them what is appropriate.

Good questions, OP. I agree how do you set boundaries around privacy if other people are determined to overshare?

The whole thing seems oddly pointless to me. What’s it for? Seems like an effort to create a sitcom-style workplace where everyone is best friends. In reality of course you’d get all the dramas as they squabble and form factions. What a nightmare. I just want colleagues to be professional, pleasant and get the job done.

I cringe at anyone using that woke speak phrase. It’s pretty meaningless, or What does it actually mean? How can you do anything BUT bring your whole self to work? There are different facets to you, some facets only certain people see, depending on the relationship. People have filters, and boundaries, doesn’t mean they are not ‘bringing whole self to work’…another fashions meaningless platitude.

What if your whole self is private and reticent? What if it's naturist? What if it's flatulent? What if it's being super loud and playing practical jokes on others? What if it's slurping endless coffees and eating sardines from the tin? What if my whole self smokes?

What if I'm the reticent, private person working at a job that needs all my concentration and I'm surrounded with whole selves who are nude, farting, telling stupid jokes and playing tricks and they're all wanting my validation?

Codes of conduct in the workplace surely imply we're being paid to leave bits of our whole selves at home?!

@LobsterNapkin

But I also think it’s much harder for younger staff especially to develop an understanding of healthy boundaries in the workplace if the senior staff are encouraging ‘bring your whole self to work’ as some pro inclusion policy. I suspect many, especially young women, would really struggle to get the balance right while trying to people please and show an effort to help others ‘feel included’.

Young people are also often coming out of school or university, where boundaries are totally different. They need older people to show them what is appropriate.

Massively.

I was in and out of care for a stretch as a teen. So lived independently younger than most. And worked part time around school from a young age, real work to pay my bills not just a short Saturday job to pay for extra clothes. So I wasn’t naive or sheltered by a long stretch. Yet looking back I was a baby until 25 ish at least. It takes time to grow up and to learn the correct balance within work, both for our own sake and for those we work with. But younger staff need kept safe from inappropriate sharing. They need grown ups to help them understand the consequences of that, not encourage them to have no boundaries. There’s plenty they might be at risk to overshare that could impact their future career choices and they just wouldn’t have full grasped that straight out of uni.

As the only woman in an all male team I hate this whole crap. It ends up with half the team being more obnoxious than before (looking at you Thom, every Monday when Liverpool has lost) and the rest of us having to manage their emotions. Of course, as the sole female that lands heavily on me.

And similar to signing of an email she/hers, if I share my life in a way that highlights that I'm female or a mother or even the fact I was the first in my family to go to uni, I can guarantee that's going to highlight my difference to the rest of the team and be a disadvantage, not a benefit.