Bringing your whole self to work

[FlyingOink]

What are your thoughts on this?

As a lesbian, out at work and highly visible, I like not having to make up a pretend husband if questioned by colleagues.

But does my workplace need to know everything about who I am as a person? Is there any benefit to this?

I think the move towards always-on working, where WFH can bleed over into leisure time, the fact many people work shifts, zero or minimum hours, or casually, and the fact our employers seem to want to own us almost entirely makes the idea that I have to commit to sharing my whole self with them really off-putting.

Also, what do I do with this information about my colleagues? Is it relevant? Where I'd maybe get to know someone as a friend and then learn of their passion for model boats or romantic poetry or the Liberal Democrats, now am I expected to be faced with all of this information and somehow use it?

Is bringing your whole self to work forcing the issue, is it harmless as an idea, what does it mean for various people? And how do you set boundaries around privacy if other people are determined to overshare?

For example, what justification could the BBC have for having an official specific group if they areally already over represented in the organisation so not addressing a detriment? (Assuming representation also applies to level of employment too ie not all low level administration staff?)

Work doesn’t want my whole self - they really don’t.

But because I am an adult, I use a professional persona for work - I don’t swear (more than absolutely necessary), talk about my personal life (more than I need to) or discuss my sex life. I do my job and don’t treat the office like a flipping playground.

If I had, say epilepsy or asthma, I’d let them know because it’s relevant.

While we’re at it, can we scrap the wacky ice breakers I have to partake in at uni where you have to tell everyone an interesting fact about yourself/ who your favourite historical figure is/ which song best represents you and why? These make me want to rip my hair out, far too personal and cringey.

I don’t want to bring my whole self to work. I want to bring my professional self and do a good job.

I always think, from my own perspective, that this should be straightforward, the problem is that people seem to have no discernment.

I am happy for people to be very private at work. I also think over time in many workplaces, people naturally find out things about the people they work with. I work with the same few women all the time, in a setting where we often talk as we work. I don't mind my young college telling me she's queer and that informs her perspective over a political issue we are chatting about - it's not invasive in the type of workplace we have. Though I reserve the right to draw conclusions about her choice of the word queer, which I would of course keep to myself. I don't need to agree with people I work with about politics.

But a lot of people now, especially the younger generation, seem to think that if they aren't their "whole self" they aren't living "authentically". Which means others need to know right away if you are gay, pansexual, if you are in an open relationship, whatever. And you are supposed to accept these things without any reservations and validate them.

This is where you get workplaces having pro LGBTQ+ days when you are supposed to tell your workmates about your sexual orientation in little groups (which includes a lot now, gender, specific sexual preferences, etc) and you get idiots like that guy at Amnesty writing a blurb and putting a photo of himself that is basically a giant "I am a snazzy gay man" signal.

I don't want to know if you are in an open relationship. I think this need for validation is psychologically immature and unhealthy. I don't really even think that we should be focusing on all of these little labels in order to build an identity. I think you can be friends without knowing people's private stuff.

My opinion is there should definitely be boundaries fir everyone.

Not having to make up partners just to join in fine.

But bringing aspects of your life to work solely to broaden your validation of said aspects. Not so fine. When bringing anything along with you that means everyone else has to change the meaning if words amd pretend they don't see/hear/know anything or be hauled up in front of HR on the basis of Not following the same thought patterns . Thats not fine.

You have friends and family to confide in/validate you.

That's not my job or anyone else's I'm.paid to work not stroke egos

It's a good point, some people make themselves vulnerable through oversharing, I mentioned earlier that there would be more general interest in women's private lives than older men's, for example.
If this young woman was encouraged to overshare (and to me her piece sounds inappropriate) then she's made herself vulnerable by revealing too much of her private life.

Yes, there are people who are chronic over-sharers for whatever reason.

I don't mean someone who goes to their boss or college they work with and tell them they are having mh issues that affect work, or their parent is ill and they need to adjust work related expectations. These are good things.

But there are people, often ones who lack boundaries in general, who are way to open about everything. And they often seem to think that those who don't share are somehow holding back, or don't have issues in their own lives.

I worked in a place that really encouraged this as my first professional job. As PP have mentioned, the people who revealed the most about themselves were never the most senior staff.

In that particular workplace, I really felt like senior management were keen on this culture of oversharing because it made us quite vulnerable and they liked knowing as much about us as possible. I saw a few times people being encouraged to share information and then becoming the focus of extra scrutiny if it was felt that there was something going on in their personal lives that might take their focus off work.

Surely a sensible middle ground is that no one should feel like they have to conceal who they are- mentioning partners is a good example of what I mean. However, I don't really think it's on to encourage people to share more than they would normally choose to do. Boundaries are personal, and I think it's interfering to do anything other than allow each individual to decide how much of themselves they want to reveal in a professional environment. If you're a private person, then maintaining privacy at work is expressing who you are in as valid a way as someone who likes to be completely open. I actually think it's really patronising and overstepping.

I don't think anyone should bring their whole selves to work. Why on earth does everyone need to be inflicted with other peoples whole selves. I'm not interested in theirs. I don't want to share mine. Just bring the polite and professional version and get on with the job. That's all that's needed.

Actually, I think one thing people fail sometimes to understand is that if they bring their "whole self" it means others will have to keep theirs all the more private.

Lots of things are not universally socially agreed upon. We have a pluralistic society. There are people at work who have deeply different views about politics, about religion, about economics, about sexual morality, about the obligations of family life, about the differences between the sexes, about covid policy, about homeopathy, etc.

As soon as someone in the workplace opens their mouth about one of these things, and tells people it is a deep part of "who they are" then it means anyone who takes a different view will need to be respectful about that and keep quiet. I think homeopathy is dumb, but I don't say so in front of my workmate who sells it as a business. I might think Scientology is exploitative but if I talk about it, the secretary who practices it is going to feel awkward mentioning she is a member.

The only sensible way to manage this stuff is to try and have some discretion. Usually that means, sure, it's ok to mention you saw a great concert at your church, or had a great lunch with your (same-sex) partner at a new cafe.

But maybe be more circumspect about things that would make others feel they can't mention similar things, or put them in a position of feeling like they need to visibly approve. Workplaces asking people to be in Pride parades being an example of an over-step of the latter type, IMO.

My current company has a LGBTQ society

So does mine. I’ve been out as lesbian where I work from when I started but knowing the person who set the society up, I’m not going anywhere near it.

@EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn

My current company has a LGBTQ society

So does mine. I’ve been out as lesbian where I work from when I started but knowing the person who set the society up, I’m not going anywhere near it.

I think my feelings on this are based on a similar experience.

I worked in the same office as the union rep. They were far more militant than any of the hundreds of people I met in that role, not representative at all. I thought that all the militant people ended up in roles like this and then then huddled together confirming they were right.

God no. Quite apart from being entitled to your privacy and being allowed to have a work persona that's a bit different from your home one, there are plenty of jobs where it is very much not appropriate to project all aspects of your personality, interests, home life etc.

I'm a teacher. And although I don't have as much of a separate 'teacher face' persona as lots of teachers do, there are limits! Teaching is often at least a bit like acting.

I don't see it as negative OP, I see it as having to stop pretending to be something or someone you are not. Isn't that a good thing?

It very much depends on the job. Anything public-facing, but particularly anything in the teaching, counselling or caring professions is definitely likely to need a bit of a filter imo.

My first thoughts were of NSPCC rubber toilet wank guy and Bradley Wotsisname uploading dicpics from his office desk.

Another vote for people bringing their professional work persona to work, and respecting their colleagues right to privacy.

Well it’s back to the old days isn’t it.. the days when male councillors could get their ‘whole and authentic selves’ involved in their local children’s home… Jimmy Saville was a role model for this concept wasn’t he?

Sociopaths/ psychopaths/ narcissists/fetishists/abusers/ criminals please stop trying so hard to be civil and civilised, we know it’s tiring and stops you getting what you want out of life exactly when you want it.. just relax and be your whole, natural, authentic self.

Is that what they mean?

I just loathe these glib, ill-conceived ideas. They are so obviously flawed that I can’t believe they aren’t being pushed behind the scenes by those whose ‘whole selves’ ought to be in jail.

Obviously racism, homophobia, sexism, ableism still exist and are making some people’s working lives a misery, but is there anything that is still absolutely taboo at work that people need encouraging to be. What is left but the sexualised and inappropriate and the morally unacceptable/ criminal?

I always think, from my own perspective, that this should be straightforward, the problem is that people seem to have no discernment.

I think that’s the trouble Lobster being your ‘whole self’ doesn’t require discernment. You can just let it all out. No self censorship required.. or allowed.

Honestly, it’s madness.

Its one of those catchphrases that sound all very progressive and lovely in theory, but when you dig down in to it, you realise:

it doesn't work and there's a lot of questionable aspects when you start applying basic logic

that like much of identity politics it will not apply equally to all and will split every group into the served and the service providers: a two tier group which is never going to end happily

it has been used in an attempt to protect staff such as the NSPCC rubber guy from consequences for behaving sexually inappropriately in the workplace

and therefore it begins to look suspiciously like being utilised to try and reduce societal boundaries. And largely the beneficiary will be male sexual freedoms.

Also worth noting the point starting to come up again and again as groups start to pull away from Stonewall: the work place is a place to do the job you were employed to do, with your attention and energy being on the job and the clients. The job and the clients are not a vehicle for personal self expression.

I don’t think anyone should have to lie or cover up anything about themselves at work. But equally there are things that you simply don’t need to mention because they aren’t relevant to your job. For example I was in my last job for 5 years and I rarely found it necessary to mention my partner, if I did mention him I simply said “my husband” because they had no need to know his name. I don’t recall ever disclosing my hobbies etc, it’s not a secret but there was just no need to discuss it.

Never share anything you don't want to share. Have a work persona. You are entitled to boundaries.

Women are disadvantaged by having a professional self. It impacts the relationships you form at work if your guard is always up and that can be detrimental for climbing the ladder. Men don't have to worry about this because they don't tend to get the negatives of sharing and they have common neutral topics like sport (I know women can talk sport too but it IS gendered).

So if you could share without judgement it would be beneficial for women. But pretending people aren't judging you and actually not being judged are two different things!

@Thelnebriati

I have a massive problem with it, partly because it feels like part of a wider assault on privacy. And partly because it feels like a massive step backwards; women had to fight for decades to get taken seriously in the workplace, to get rid of the nude calendars and harassment. We never achieved it because there was so much resistance to the idea that we have the right just come into work and do our damn job.

Me too!!!

I miss boundaries.

I think many more people would be sacked if we all bought our 'whole' selves to work 😂😂 no-one should have to make up fake husbands but neither do my coworkers need to know my thoughts, opinions and life experiences on everything. In fact in my role I can't do that it would make it impossible to do the job which requires a certain distance from coworkers.

I think because men are judged less they do have greater freedom to be themselves. I'm not sure that's what gives them the advantage, or if it's about being facilitated at home. I saw an excellent thread here about that - basically if you have an operative who is getting fed, fucked, washed and ironed at home with zero household responsibilities versus an operative who does the "second shift" as soon as she walks through her front door, which operative is going to do better at work (and be available for a pint on a Friday or a last minute golf weekend?)

I don’t think anyone should have to lie or cover up anything about themselves at work.

Well, Ryannah convictions for rape would go up at least, if men could happily confess their extra curricular activities in the morning..

..and there’s the problem with the concept; do they really mean ‘whole selves’ without sanction and therefore requiring us to re-visit what is and isn’t criminal, or do they not mean ‘whole selves’ and thus revealing the whole thing as bullshit?

In that particular workplace, I really felt like senior management were keen on this culture of oversharing because it made us quite vulnerable and they liked knowing as much about us as possible. I saw a few times people being encouraged to share information and then becoming the focus of extra scrutiny if it was felt that there was something going on in their personal lives that might take their focus off work.

This is what I was getting at, and it's interesting it was aimed at younger workers. I think young people have poor boundaries around work because they have a poor job market, and are used to crappy contracts/hours/security and non-existent career advancement.

I just hate the idea of David Brent wanting to get into some young employee's psyche so he can instill deep loyalty to ACME Products Ltd or whatever the fuck they were called.

I don't even like "checking in" in group meetings (thankfully we don't do that anymore) because actually if I'm really upset because of a bereavement it's up to me who I tell and why. Likewise if I don't trust the company and feel really dubious about X new initiative. It suits me to keep that quiet, and I should be allowed to without cod psychology probing at my bloody feelings.