Being called darling by a male bar worker

[ValerieCupcake]

Exactly that. I had that on Saturday. The guy is in his 20s and I am old enough to be his mum. He was a good worker, friendly, nice etc. But I hate the term darling anyway and don't allow anyone to say it [though I would normally ignore it if it was a shop I went in as a one off, not worth mentioning]. We were having lunch and were there for two hours [service slow, v.busy] and had to keep going to the bar for starters, main, dessert, drinks. I was called darling at least ten times, often in the same sentence more than once. I didn't point it out to him but called him Toots and Sweetie. He was oblivious.

What are your takes on this?

So a waiter at a restaurant saying good evening Ma'am/sir, let me show you to your table... Is disgusting?!

You're right, @Floisme, I should say 'Please don't call me darling Bob, people will think we're having an affair'

(name changed in case his lovely wife is on here)

Not something I can be bothered to get worked up about, unless they know my name then it takes the piss

@HaroldSteptoesHorse

Not something I can be bothered to get worked up about, unless they know my name then it takes the piss

My nan knows my name and she calls me flowerpot

There used to be a wee woman who worked in our local Crawfords the Bakers. She had a vast arsenal of endearments and she would fire them willy nilly.

She called me 'cuddles' once. We still talk about her!

I like being called pet, love etc and I use them myself. What I really dislike is condescending men, usually older, saying 'dear' in that tone of voice that makes it plain they mean 'silly little bitch'. I fire dirty looks at those ones.

Many languages use these kinds of terms, and some use them quite a lot.

I wouldn't ever say anything about it, unless it was clearly intended to be diminishing/offensive, or it really was an inappropriate moment, say at work in front of a client. In the latter case if it was just a normal speech pattern for the person I'd be nice about it but mention it didn't work in that context.

Some people like this kinds of endearments, and some don't. There can sometimes be a class element in perceptions around that, as well as personal experiences. But personal preferences isn't really the point in these kinds of fairly anonymous interactions.

Many languages use these kinds of terms, and some use them quite a lot.

It doesn't mean it is ok to use them. In some languages, you might have more than one word for darling, or you might have one word for several meanings (darling, sweetheart, love, pet, dear, duck etc).

I do not wish to be called darling by someone I don't know.

It's not about personal preference, it's about not being patronised.

But some of us don't find it patronising?

I don’t mind endearments where they’re clearly regional and both sexes use them towards both sexes.

When there’s a gendered sexist element to it, so a man calling other men “boss” or “chief” or “guv” while the women get “love” or “darling” or “dear”, then it grinds my gears and I’d ask him to stop calling me darling or whatever.

@CousinKrispy, but some of us do, so it can offend.

@OnlyTheTitosaurusOfTheIceberg, I agree with you.

The regional one from the area I grew up is ok and wouldn't bother me particularly - it would definitely tell me they were local.

Some complete stranger, then yes it offends.

I always call people terms of endearment. But I'm a 43 year old woman. When I say it I'm not flirting or anything. It's like a motherly thing. I didn't realize how many people get offended from it. But then again, it doesn't bother me when people do it to me. I think it's sweet. I would love to be called darling by a younger guy. when your 43, single and no kids it would brighten up your day.

Zombie thread….?

Not bothered. Local marketeers do it along with 'love'. He's being friendly. Daresay wouldn't use it to men for obv. reasons. Life is too short to get uptight about stuff like this. I usually just smile (and I am probably much older than you). Can't stand 'ducks' but that used to be only in London, I think?
Anyway, no idea where you live, but it may be local parlance in which case...don't diss the local way of speaking it's classist/localist etc.

Elsewhere on these boards it has long been pointed out that one woman cannot choose to give way on something for other women. Mind, I don't mind darling and often it's the local parlance.

What discussions like this show is that there are a huge variety of opinions about whether people like being called by pet names and diminutives.

Some like it. Some hate it. Some like the ones others hate, and some hate the ones others like. Even speaking about the same terms, people perceive them very differently.

And people come from very differernt backgrounds, people have differernt cultural backgrounds, ethnicity, regional origins, class origins. Which affect speech patterns and vocabulary.

To me that says that it's largely down to personal opinion, and there are limits to how much we should try to control what other people say and how they saw it. Often we don't know a person's background.

Going around all day trying to make sure everyone speaks the same way is futile, and and a waste of brainpower. People should not have to walk on eggshells all the time in standard interactions because we have slightly differernt customary habits.

We just need to accept that sometimes people have ways of speaking that might annoy us, but are fundamentally good natured and harmless. And let them go. They are probably making allowances for us too.

My experience is this is a class thing.

Working class use familiars all the time and middle class dont like it and complain about it.

I remember how Ian mckellen said why he loved being called “love”. It turned me around on this. I’m trying to embrace it even though I’m not used to it but i can see why it’s actually a lovely way to address someone. It’s also regional.

This.

It supposes some kind of class equality which makes a lot of mc people uncomfortable.

I've been called worse.

Go even further north to Scotland and you'll be called 'hen'.

I love it when I visit my daughter and university and get called Pet in cafes by the coast.

i hate Hun, we live near Liverpool at the moment, but I’ve been called dear by a young man in Sainsbury’s and that was worse.

Zombie thread