Being called darling by a male bar worker

[ValerieCupcake]

Exactly that. I had that on Saturday. The guy is in his 20s and I am old enough to be his mum. He was a good worker, friendly, nice etc. But I hate the term darling anyway and don't allow anyone to say it [though I would normally ignore it if it was a shop I went in as a one off, not worth mentioning]. We were having lunch and were there for two hours [service slow, v.busy] and had to keep going to the bar for starters, main, dessert, drinks. I was called darling at least ten times, often in the same sentence more than once. I didn't point it out to him but called him Toots and Sweetie. He was oblivious.

What are your takes on this?

It would get on my nerves as well. Maybe he thought he was being polite, upbeat and friendly, but its not appropriate and I bet he doesn't use it with male customers

I was called darling at least ten times, often in the same sentence more than once.

This would sound very tedious and such an unnatural way to speak. "Hello darling, have you seen the specials menu today darling, the soup of the day is lovely darling, why don't you have a seat and I'll bring over the drinks menu darling."

@VladmirsPoutine

I was called darling at least ten times, often in the same sentence more than once.

This would sound very tedious and such an unnatural way to speak. "Hello darling, have you seen the specials menu today darling, the soup of the day is lovely darling, why don't you have a seat and I'll bring over the drinks menu darling."

I didn't mean 10 times in one sentence. It wasn't far off what you've quoted though.

Personally, I don't mind this at all. I guess he would call a man "mate". I'd rather be "darling" than "mate". I just see it as a meaningless verbal tic that's common in a casual customer service context. I'd rather a bit of warmth than be called nothing at all. A more formal address would be "madam", but I'm sure there'd be those who don't like that either.

I am picturing Jamie Oliver...

And sorry, I know it's rubbish when you start a thread about "isn't it just awful when..." and someone pipes up to say "meh, no big deal". Fair enough if you don't like it.

I am regularly called 'Darling', 'Love', 'Lovely' 'Lovey' and 'Duck' by men and women of all ages, so my take is that it doesn't bother me in the slightest. If it were only men doing it then I might feel differently.

Never bothers me.

Personally, I don't mind this at all. I guess he would call a man "mate". I'd rather be "darling" than "mate".

I often hear men called chief or boss in these circumstances, darling has a very different meaning and is inappropriate.

I'd rather be "mate" than "darling". I'd also rather be called Madam too. "Darling" repeatedly would irritate me and it would make me less likely to return to the venue another time.

It may well be a verbal tic that the chap doesn't even consciously think about, but it's been picked up from somewhere at some point.

It irritates me. There is a young man in our local supermarket who insists on calling me 'darling' or 'sweetheart' whenever he serves me. I've noticed his do this to other women, so it's not just me- and I am definitely old enough to be his mum. He calls my DH 'boss'.

I get that he's trying to be friendly, but where I live it's very common for people to call each other 'love' or 'duck' regardless of sex so it seems even more pointed to call women darling and men boss

OP- I like your 'Toots' response.

The older I get the more I focus on what people do rather than what they say, so while I agree there is a sexist element (good point about the contrast with boss and chief) I would let it slide as long as I was getting equal service with the men/younger women.
Currently I live somewhere where ‘love’ is so much the standard that I have heard men use it to other men.

dont come up north then, I get called Pet by everyone but always found it a nice thing.

Depends on the venue. Sometimes don't mind at all - normal pub/cafe type place just being friendly using local speech but other times it would infuriate me - posh pub/restaurant where they are charging for an experience so difficult to judge.

I'd lay odds he's not calling men 'darling', or anything nearly as familiar. The fact that it may be a verbal habit he doesn't even think about is a symptom of the ingrained sexism in our culture - this is a relatively low level and 'harmless' example, but that doesn't mean it's ok.

I was called "mate" once and I was very offended. I felt that I must look like a bloke or something, or, that other thing, I'm an older woman and therefore he hadn't really seen me at all... If anything I'd prefer darling :)

Currently I live somewhere where ‘love’ is so much the standard that I have heard men use it to other men.

Yes, I regularly hear men call each other 'Love' and 'Lovey'. It's a regional thing and I'm slightly irritated by the implication that it's a bad habit that has to be unlearned.

Where I used to live everyone was called darling or love. It's a term of endearment. Some people dont have enough to worry about IMHO

The older I get the more I focus on what people do rather than what they say - I like that, @TheCountessofFitzdotterel. I know a lot of supercilious "beardy woke bros" who would never call me darling. I know it's not either/or... But I'll take this kind of thing anyday.

Some people dont have enough to worry about IMHO

And some people don't worry enough about ingrained misogyny IMHO.

Plenty of women call other women and men darling too. It really isn't something that I would even notice when it is being used in customer service.

@ArtemesiaK

I was called "mate" once and I was very offended. I felt that I must look like a bloke or something, or, that other thing, I'm an older woman and therefore he hadn't really seen me at all... If anything I'd prefer darling :)

'Mate' is quite often used in my group of female friends, but I don't see it as a gendered term, the same as 'pal' or 'buddy'. I'd much rather that then being called 'ladies' or 'girls'.

'Darling' in any context makes me want to boak.

My Dad was a bit taken aback when he was called 'love' by a burly male bus conductor, but he had just moved from London to up north, and didn't realise it was just a regional thing.

Honestly it would not bother me at all. As a pp said look at the intention rather than the words themselves.
Lots of people like it or are indifferent.

I can never work out if its friendly or patronising! I think it depends how I feel on the day tbh.
I did have an experience at the opticians once where a female member of staff tagged 'my darling" onto the end of EVERY sentence. I found that really annoying & unprofessional but she was utterly oblivious.

I might accept it better if it came from another woman, but I can't see any of my female friends saying it. Seeing as I don't even know what boak means, I'm probably in a whole different social (age?) group :)
(I was equally offended when I went to a restaurant with my husband and (admittedly gorgeous) adult daughters, held my hand out for a menu, and the waiter said "Ladies first" and handed the menus out to them first!) Would have liked to never go there again on principle, but they closed down anyway....

It does make me furious when a man calls me "darling" or "dear" when I'm having some sort of dispute with him. That really is patronising and sexist.....

This kind of thing used to really bother me when I was younger and looking to be offended as a rabid feminist. But I've learned through the years that it's not usually meant in a bad way at all.

In my twenties I told one old guy off for calling me my love and he was so confused and hurt (in a non confrontational way) it took me aback.

But if I suspected that it was being used to put me down in some way I would be cross.