Being called darling by a male bar worker

[ValerieCupcake]

Exactly that. I had that on Saturday. The guy is in his 20s and I am old enough to be his mum. He was a good worker, friendly, nice etc. But I hate the term darling anyway and don't allow anyone to say it [though I would normally ignore it if it was a shop I went in as a one off, not worth mentioning]. We were having lunch and were there for two hours [service slow, v.busy] and had to keep going to the bar for starters, main, dessert, drinks. I was called darling at least ten times, often in the same sentence more than once. I didn't point it out to him but called him Toots and Sweetie. He was oblivious.

What are your takes on this?

It’s all in the tone…. “ calm down dear” or whatever that irritating Michael Winner advert was awful but mostly it isn’t delivered in that way. I was back in my hometown and was called “ My Duck” by the man in the post office and I was enchanted because it was such a long time since I heard it - it was incredibly nostalgic. I would be infuriated to be overlooked or ignored but being called darling ( probably more like darlin’ ) wouldn’t bother me.

I can't get worked up over being called 'darling' , 'love', 'pet', 'duck'.
However call me 'Hun' or 'Doll' and it's as much as I can do not to scratch the speaker's eyes out.

I was called 'Ma'am' once (as in calm) by someone in military uniform - now that was weird and ultra patronizing

Bar work involves the word darling, he's hearing it all day and the barmaids are likely using it to male customers. I was surprised by how often I heard myself using it when behind the bar as I'm not a 'darling' sort of woman but I'd use it several times in a few minutes as 'mate' can sound a bit less friendly and you wouldn't want to address someone as 'miss' or madam'.

It's the one place where I wouldn't overthink it as it's the only place where it's accepted by the majority of users.

@DPotter

I can't get worked up over being called 'darling' , 'love', 'pet', 'duck'. However call me 'Hun' or 'Doll' and it's as much as I can do not to scratch the speaker's eyes out.

I was called 'Ma'am' once (as in calm) by someone in military uniform - now that was weird and ultra patronizing

Really? I like "Ma'am". There's neverv the slightest doubt it's being used to be polite.

I was called 'Ma'am' once (as in calm) by someone in military uniform - now that was weird and ultra patronizing

In what way was that patronising?

Where i grew up people of both sexes called each other a range of endearments and I love it. Mind you I'm a great one for endearments. My adult son once said in a resigned tone "Do you think you could remember not to call me sugar puff in WH Smith?"

@AssassinatedBeauty

I'd rather be "mate" than "darling". I'd also rather be called Madam too. "Darling" repeatedly would irritate me and it would make me less likely to return to the venue another time.

It may well be a verbal tic that the chap doesn't even consciously think about, but it's been picked up from somewhere at some point.

I would hate to be called "mate" "Darlin" doesn't bother me.

@coogee

I was called 'Ma'am' once (as in calm) by someone in military uniform - now that was weird and ultra patronizing

In what way was that patronising?

It's as far from patronising as it is possible to get. Of all the terms being discussed it's the one which is unequivocally intended to be polite.

I live up north. One of the women at the tills in my local supermarkets always calls me flower. I love it.
The manager however calls me Madam - less keen. I'm 34; makes me feel 50.

I think it all depends on the context and tone though. I hate it if you're complaining about something or having an argument; especially when used by a man. Very patronising.

I don't mind it at all unless it is obviously patronising. I often call customers sweetie and other daft words. This is mainly to be less formal and because I may get their actual name wrong.

Personally I prefer mate/pal but darling from a bar staff wouldn't bother me if it was clearly just a verbal tick although when I used to take phone calls for a take-away I had one customer who would call me either babe or gorgeous. In every single sentence that got annoying very fast.

I don't really mind but I will make sure I use the same term of endearment back to them....

@Feelingofftoday

This kind of thing used to really bother me when I was younger and looking to be offended as a rabid feminist. But I've learned through the years that it's not usually meant in a bad way at all.

In my twenties I told one old guy off for calling me my love and he was so confused and hurt (in a non confrontational way) it took me aback.

But if I suspected that it was being used to put me down in some way I would be cross.

I totally agree with this.

Actually as I've got older I quite like it. I especially like maid, which is regional to me. l hate being called madam. Makes me think I must look like Hyacinth Bucket.

If someone calls me Darling I ask them not to. I find it patronising.

Would t bother me

A waitress in Yeovil once asked me ' what did you want then , my lover?'. A regional thing I'm guessing. Oh and Boak is a Scottish term for Vomit I think @ArtemesiaK

Poor men! (never thought I'd ever say that!) It must be like walking on eggshells 24/7 if you're in a service industry :)

I come from seven generations of Geordies, although I was raised in London and live in Scotland. I am very happy to be called “pet”, and often used it to my patients, with no intention of patronising them. I see it as equivalent to the Scots “hen” or Cockney “ducks”.
But I think darling is slightly more problematic. It has connotations of leering men slurring “‘Ello darling” before making a pass. And even when meant nicely is a bit too lovey dovey for using to a stranger, although I accept it might be the norm in certain regions.

@Abhannmor

A waitress in Yeovil once asked me ' what did you want then , my lover?'. A regional thing I'm guessing. Oh and Boak is a Scottish term for Vomit I think *@ArtemesiaK*

'My lover' in a West Country accent or 'duck' in some parts of the north (and many other examples) - which can be equally applied by either sex to either sex are perfectly fine vernacular . I suppose 'darling' might be in thespian circles.

@ArtemesiaK

Poor men! (never thought I'd ever say that!) It must be like walking on eggshells 24/7 if you're in a service industry :)

It's not just men doing it. I get it in shops and even in the post office.

Why do you people get so upset about being called really lovely names? I love it when I am addressed in this way - however I hate 'mate' and 'you guys'. Live and let live - what harm does it do?

I think women tend to not be offended if it's coming from another woman... just friendly.....

I'm one for endearments.

My love, darling, sweetheart ...drop off my tongue in sickening regularity. My mum hates it, DH think it's hilarious. I went through a phase of "buddy".

I'm from Yorkshire, seems common enough to me, and never received any, or given any, with any ill intent/misogyny etc.

There was a woman worked in the shop attached to my local Post Office when my kids were young. She hated everyone, especially children, and you had to firmly keep them next to you in the queue to avoid her wrath. I would have preferred for anyone to address me in a friendly manner, whatever they might call me!.....

I don't mind 'darling' too much. Some people just those kinds of terms without thinking.

My husband has been called 'darling' and 'love' too, by women.