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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Really fucking annoyed by another entitled man

103 replies

Justreallyannoyed · 20/10/2021 20:25

I’m a midwife. I answered the phone in a busy clinic today to an irate man. Apparently he’s applied online to volunteer in the maternity department and NOT HEARD ANYTHING. It’s NOT GOOD ENOUGH. He’s phoned THREE TIMES and no one is getting back to him. I explained that we don’t deal with volunteers ourselves and all the placements are dealt with by the volunteer office. This was OUTRAGEOUS apparently and he’s been passed FROM PILLAR TO POST and he just wants to know when he can come in to the Maternity Department and start volunteering!

I gave him the number of the volunteer office but I stupidly didn’t get his name. He was horrible and rude and our current volunteering vacancies are on the postnatal ward. What kind of man muscles his way in to the postnatal ward???? Especially when he has no expertise or experience to offer at all. The hall of him being furious because we aren’t being quick enough at facilitating his unfettered access to postnatal women and babies…..

Anyway I actually got a horrible creeped out feeling from him so I am going to call the volunteer office tomorrow and discuss. But just another entitled man throwing his weight around. Yuck.

OP posts:
WithLargeTableMouse · 20/10/2021 23:12

Urgh how awful for vulnerable post partum women. My mum was very unwell in hospital in January and there were male volunteers wandering around ‘looking for my brother’ etc going in and out of the wards. One of the men was asking an older lady ‘who would be looking after her when she went home?’ and trying to get her to give him her phone number. Mum managed to complain about them and get them sent off the ward eventually but all the women in there were very unwell and very vulnerable, I can’t imagine how much worse it would feel for women on the maternity ward Shock

EarthSight · 20/10/2021 23:14

Also, I do find it interesting that it probably hasn't even entered his head that there might be a considerable amount of mothers who wouldn't want him there. As far as he's concerned, as long as management approves it, it's ok, and who cares what the women feel as long as he gets what he wants. Please correct me if I'm wrong in my assumption there.

If I were a man volunteering there, it would be incredibly important to me that my presence was approved by the patients , and that they had been asked anonymously and in a way that would not make them feel pressured.

Although, to be fair, if I were a man, I don't think I would be volunteering in a maternity ward at all. I would rather be on the safe side and assume some women would find my presence unwelcome, especially as I would not even be medically trained so it would not be essential for me to be there.

madisonbridges · 20/10/2021 23:22

@EarthSight. I don't work for a Trust so I don't know how much they consult patients for policy decisions. Whatever the process is, I don't have any say in it or responsibility for it, and neither does the guy the op talks about. I don't think you can blame either of us for that...if you were blaming us, that is.

catzwhiskas · 20/10/2021 23:26

He should possibly be directed to the men's surgical ward if it’s not mixed sex these days. And by the way what is this about mixed general wards? Neither men or women are comfortable and I believe there is new guidance coming about this. There are plenty of threads here about how women feel about having open visiting hours, father’s unknown to them visiting overnight etc. Yes we accept that men trained as doctors nurses and midwives will be in that environment. Some volunteers are just not suitable. (Jimmy Saville volunteered a lot in hospitals I seem to remember) and even if the volunteer appears to be well meaning, there are many motives which might make them unsuitable or downright dangerous. Just because namalt does not mean that we should open up every woman’s / children’s area to random males.

TheEvilPea · 20/10/2021 23:54

@madisonbridges

disgraceful that random people are allowed near vulnerable women like that, who expect that they are in a safe place with medically qualified staff.

Like the Manchester nurse accused of murdering 8 babies. Like the staff at mine accused of raping and murdering patients.

I get what you're saying but times are changing. Hospitals depend on volunteers and volunteers do a lot of good.

That the NHS apparently can't even vet medical staff properly is hardly a reason to allow people with even fewer checks access to some of the most vulnerable patients. Hmm
timeisnotaline · 21/10/2021 00:06

They fetch meals and drinks to women who can’t get up to get their own meals. he doesn’t sound like someone who id want supporting me while on the ward! What if he brought my meal and I was in the bathroom? Would he yell because I hadn’t been waiting politely in bed to be served? What if I didn’t say thank you effusively enough? Sounds like that would upset him too. Or if I were bf and didn’t want him to draw the curtain and come in…

madisonbridges · 21/10/2021 00:46

@timeisnotaline

They fetch meals and drinks to women who can’t get up to get their own meals. he doesn’t sound like someone who id want supporting me while on the ward! What if he brought my meal and I was in the bathroom? Would he yell because I hadn’t been waiting politely in bed to be served? What if I didn’t say thank you effusively enough? Sounds like that would upset him too. Or if I were bf and didn’t want him to draw the curtain and come in…
Honestly? He was annoyed on the phone because he was being passed around and couldn't get any joy in speaking to anyone. Have you never been frustrated by that sort of thing happening to you? The idea you have to be effusively polite or that he'd be yelling at you in the bathroom is.. I won't be rude and I'll just call it a massive over reaction.
madisonbridges · 21/10/2021 00:52

@TheEvilPea. The DBS checks are the same for staff and volunteers so not fewer checks for volunteers.

timeisnotaline · 21/10/2021 00:52

@madisonbridges I disagree. He thinks their basic processes are outrageous and that’s reason to be rude to a busy staff member. Imagine once he’s on board and happens to see more he disagrees with. There is no indication he’s a suitable person to work with vulnerable women who have just given birth.

KloppsTeeth · 21/10/2021 01:14

@JessicaPeach

I volunteer as a breastfeeding peer supporter on a maternity ward, we had to go through a fairly rigorous (for volunteers) recruitment process with references etc and be known by the service already. We are regularly dbs checked and have to do regular supervisions and all of the safeguarding training etc that all hospital staff have to do. The contact from the hospital is close and ongoing, it's an unusual type of volunteer role but very closely monitored. We have been back on the wards for a while now
Also a volunteer breastfeeding peer supporter. I had to go through weeks of training, and enhanced DBS. Haven’t volunteered for a few years now though. I made sure that people wanted to and were comfortable talking to me. I had the time to help them, which the staff did not. Loved that as a voluntary role, might look into it again.
madisonbridges · 21/10/2021 01:28

[quote timeisnotaline]@madisonbridges I disagree. He thinks their basic processes are outrageous and that’s reason to be rude to a busy staff member. Imagine once he’s on board and happens to see more he disagrees with. There is no indication he’s a suitable person to work with vulnerable women who have just given birth.[/quote]
To be fair, and not defending him, I think the NHS's processes are outrageous too. As a volunteer he might very well see more things he disagrees with, and after seeing my mum in hospital I'm not sure how he wouldn't. And I'd hope he'd speak up about it...to the appropriate authority.
My initial post didn't say he was suitable. I agreed the op should inform the volunteer office. What I disagree with is saying:
He's a creep
He's up to no good
He's searching out an ex to abuse
He's going to verbally abuse someone going to the bathroom
He's going to expect a patient to show effusive gratitude for a cup of tea
He's going to deliberately burst in on people when they want to be private

If he were any if these, he wouldn't even make it onto the meet and greet section at the main entrance door.

FlowerArranger · 21/10/2021 02:11

I thought that volunteers in hospitals have always been around, though I'm not surprised if their roles are expanding.

Doesn't Sophie Wessex volunteer at the hospital where she gave birth, and which she credits with saving hers and her daughter's life?

manatsu · 21/10/2021 13:45

The pushiness seems like a real red flag. Sure, he might have the best intentions, but what you've described makes me feel so uneasy. Women are seriously vulnerable immediately after giving birth.

PurgatoryOfPotholes · 21/10/2021 14:09

MadisonBridges

Would you bother making excuses if this man had applied for a paid role at McDonalds and had phoned to chase up his application with the same attitude?

I have done voluntary work in other sectors and I wouldn't dream of speaking to a member of staff employed by a charity in this way, any more than I would speak to a potential work colleague like this for a paid role. I would expect them to get my application thrown in the bin, then and there.

I don't see how the context of the NHS makes it excusable.

madisonbridges · 21/10/2021 15:20

@PurgatoryOfPotholes. My very first post said that the op should report the guy to the volunteer office because no one wants to work with someone who's rude. So I rather think your whole post is redundant.

Fariha31 · 21/10/2021 15:24

Wow, blimy. Id allert security.

Fariha31 · 21/10/2021 15:25

Are men allowed to volunteer on maternaty wards?
Tbh I would have rather thought they shoulden't.

Fariha31 · 21/10/2021 15:28

@WithLargeTableMouse

Urgh how awful for vulnerable post partum women. My mum was very unwell in hospital in January and there were male volunteers wandering around ‘looking for my brother’ etc going in and out of the wards. One of the men was asking an older lady ‘who would be looking after her when she went home?’ and trying to get her to give him her phone number. Mum managed to complain about them and get them sent off the ward eventually but all the women in there were very unwell and very vulnerable, I can’t imagine how much worse it would feel for women on the maternity ward Shock
This is really concerning. I had no idea this was going on.
Beowulfa · 21/10/2021 15:32

Isn't it interesting how so many women are instantly uncomfortable at the thought of (non-professional) men being randomly present in this uniquely vulnerable situation.

It's almost as though those who aren't women have no fucking clue, isn't it?

Mrsjamin · 21/10/2021 15:33

There's no way any man should be a volunteer on a postpartum ward. Single sex exemption, etc. No way. It's bad enough coming across other women's partners.

GlitterDragon · 21/10/2021 15:34

Not sure of anyone has mentioned this, but please PLEASE record this incident on DATIX.

LonginesPrime · 21/10/2021 15:34

One of the men was asking an older lady ‘who would be looking after her when she went home?’ and trying to get her to give him her phone number.

That's really concerning - many of those people's houses will also be unoccupied while they're in hospital, and even though the volunteers obviously shouldn't be looking through a patient's notes, it's not hard to see their address on most pages of their file - and what staff member has time to keep track whose eyes are looking where on a busy ward that is so understaffed they rely on volunteers in the first place?

ChaToilLeam · 21/10/2021 16:16

No way should this man be accepted as a volunteer in any capacity, and certainly not on a maternity ward.

And any decent man should be able to understand why women might feel uncomfortable with his presence on a maternity ward, and therefore be willing to volunteer elsewhere. I am sure there are plenty of male wards where the men there would really appreciate having a friendly volunteer of their own sex on board to help them out.

MoverCat · 22/11/2021 22:51

Did anything happen op?

Jux · 23/11/2021 19:02

I would really hope that he wouldn't be allowed anywhere any oatients at all. He could bottle wash in the visitors' canteen though.