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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

The look at me of pronouns

461 replies

Ritascornershop · 01/09/2021 18:14

Recently I’ve had two interactions that have startled me. One was with legal aid (I’m in Canada) where the young lawyer rang me and said “Hello this is Thomas from xx, my practice is x and my pronouns are he/him.” Just in case I thought someone with a male voice and whose name was Thomas might like me, when speaking to him, to refer to him in the third person as she/her. I laughed and pointed out that as I was speaking directly to him, his pronouns wouldn’t be relevant.

The other interaction was after I’d written my member of parliament’s office asking for an answer on something I couldn’t get a Ministry to answer me on. 3 months later I finally got a reply suggesting I contact that Ministry 🙄 and signing off “Benjamin Lastname, he/him, Useless Twat, Your MP’s office”.

I replied telling him it was useless information that should not have taken 3 months to cough up, and I didn’t care what his pronouns were and I wasn’t going to proffer mine as doing so for women tended to increase sexism in professional interactions.

Is this as rampant in the UK? It just seems so unprofessional and so “look at me!” I’ve no interest in how they hope people refer to them when they’re not there, I just want answers to my questions that they are qualified to provide.

OP posts:
Waitwhat23 · 15/09/2021 08:25

@Ereshkigalangcleg

but I don’t think it would be workable or sensible for individuals to ask others to remember a long list of bespoke pronouns.

And how does that work, when you're already acknowledging other people's pronouns. You're othering the neopronoun people, aren't you?

If you read the comments of the emojiself pronoun page I linked above, it's clear that the people using them take them very seriously. If fae (for example) is accepted as a pronoun, surely not accepting people to express themselves in other ways is othering, as Eresh says? Who decides what is 'reasonable' and what is not?
Sunndown · 15/09/2021 10:54

I think that if insisting on non sex-based pronouns is tolerated at all, it should be limited to 3 - he/she/they.
If people want everyone to know that they enjoy playing hockey or like cats, they can incorporate that into a coffee break conversation, as currently.

Sunndown · 15/09/2021 11:11

I think another acceptable solution would be to get rid of current pronouns, and change to using the same pronoun for everyone. The pronoun would simply show that we are referring to another individual human being. Or would some people argue that they're something other than human and need their own special super-human pronoun?

Helen8220 · 15/09/2021 12:09

@Sunndown completely agree this would be the best solution

OchonAgusOchonOh · 15/09/2021 12:22

@Sunndown

I think another acceptable solution would be to get rid of current pronouns, and change to using the same pronoun for everyone. The pronoun would simply show that we are referring to another individual human being. Or would some people argue that they're something other than human and need their own special super-human pronoun?
So basically they/them. It's what we use anyway when we don't know the sex of the person we are talking about.

Personally, I think I/me would be fun. So I and I went to town. I gave the sweets to me and me. Lovely and clear...

Sunndown · 15/09/2021 12:37

they/them is a bit problematic because it's a plural. So something new maybe?
For animals, I suppose if you object to the concept of sex you can just use "it". Or you could use one pronoun for humans and other animals.

Helen8220 · 15/09/2021 14:15

I used to object to “they” on the basis that it’s a plural, but I’m getting used to it now as it becomes more common. And as noted above, we already use it in the singular when talking about a person whose sex/gender we don’t know.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 15/09/2021 14:18

*@Whatiswrongwithmyknee
But an objective and factual definition of the word 'woman' is an adult human female:
www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/woman

That is one definition, which works in many contexts, but I don’t think it captures all of the ways in which people actually use and mean the word ‘woman’.*

The thing is, that it absolutely does capture how the vast majority of people use the word. There are always a few people who struggle to understand a concept. We don't change our language to fit in with their misunderstandings.

*It is not OK to change the definition to suit one's own purposes and especially it is then not OK to assume that others are using your definition. Gender ideology has not even made an attempt to define woman in any objective or factual way. If it does become, by majority vote, a word which no longer means 'adult human female' but rather means 'people who have internalised societal expectations related to physical characteristics expressed due to chromosomal make up' then there are not many 'women' in the world and we'd need to come up with a new term to describe 'adult human female', which is clearly more than a little ridiculous.

I didn’t attempt to offer any definition of ‘woman’ or ‘man’. I don’t think there are single, concrete definitions that cover all of the facets of those concepts (as is the case for many words and concepts). When I said I was using language objectively I meant I was avoiding using the terms we are arguing about (man, woman, female and male), and instead describing the underlying factual circumstances to avoid getting into issues about definitions.*

See above: woman to most means adult human female. There is no ambiguity whatsoever. Debates about sexist expectations are held separately to the very, very clear definition of 'woman'. Changing the definition of 'woman' just makes it much harder to notice and change those sexist assumptions.

Do you really think that there are not many women in the world who have internalised societal expectations about what it means to appear ‘feminine’ - do you know how much money is spent every year on cosmetics and cosmetic surgery by women (compared to that spent by men)?

Yes I absolutely do and I think it's worrying. If we have no word to describe an adult human female we will have no ability to notice that this is happening to men. People have usually not, however, internalised the stereotypes to the degree that they feel that calling themselves a woman means they are saying they are meek, just focused on appearance etc. As 100% of women are not doing this, it is also reasonable to suggest that not everyone who is a woman has internalised such stereotypes. It is wrong to suggest that being happy to be a she/her means that you have internalised these stereotypes.

*You say you want to be objective, but you don't seem to understand that you're not being objective. You are telling us about your own assumptions and you are naively assuming those are also other people's assumptions. The problem here is that you are not willing to accept that the ideas you have about why other people ask what sex a baby is may not be correct. This may be why you ask, but that does not mean that's the case for everyone else. The same principle applies to your explanation of why you are willing to call yourself a woman. You have internalised societal expectations even though you know they are a social construction. It's good to know your rationale here but it is completely at odds with mine. I am a woman as I am an adult human female and there is, literally, nothing else to that. I may have internalised some societal and other expectations, but some of those expectations which arose in my family, are not of the type traditional associated with females. So, for me, this process is irrelevant to my being a woman.

I wasn’t claiming to be objective - I honestly don’t think any of us is being objective on this subject! Just that I was using language in an objectively accurate way in that particular instance.*

In what way was your language objectively accurate? I don't mean to be rude but the posts of yours I've read, every time you talk about gender ideology are entirely subjective and I think inaccurately assuming a commonality of experience. I think it is objective to say that pronouns can only ever refer to biological sex as otherwise we will have to have a joint definition of what 'woman' means - something which could never, ever be achieved. In the absence of that consensus, using the pronouns 'she/her' becomes fraught with assumptions which people then make about your character, beliefs etc.

I should make clear that I am absolutely not someone who asks the sex of a baby in order to make assumptions about its personality or whether to buy pink or blue clothes. I ask the sex of the baby because it’s one of the few things to say once you’ve established the baby is healthy. And so that I can go out and buy the most gender non-conforming clothes and presents I can find for it. I am passionate about challenging gender-based assumptions and stereotypes, and often pull people up if they make generalisations about women or men, or girls and boys.

We agree on this.

*Your gender ideology is based on your own assumptions which I think are niche. That certainly seems to be the case on this thread. There is no research to prove that it's a niche view but there is also no research to suggest that the majority of people, specifically the majority of women, want to use the word 'woman' in an entirely different way to how we've been using it since the dawn of language. Such research is the kind of objective facts we need. Your call for objectivity is good. But trying to present your current argument as objective is far from helpful.

On the point about how terms have been used since the dawn of language - surely for much of the history of the word ‘woman’ it has been inexorably bound up with generally accepted (though obviously false) beliefs about the differences between men and women - in terms of capabilities, intelligence, personality and social roles. While I 100% agree that we should all fight to continue to break down those associations, I also think it’s naive to believe that the majority of people are using the words woman and man in a purely biological sense, free from that immense history of other meanings.*

Why do you think this has been the case since the dawn of time? I doubt that the modern assumptions about 'women' were made throughout all the 20,000 years of human existence and I do think it very possible that in our pre-history there was nothing like the level of sexist assumption made about women.

If we accept that the definition of 'woman' (if it is inexorably linked with assumptions about more than biological differences between men and women) changes every time there is a cultural change then, given that people relate to cultural change/ norms differently, there can be no commonality in the definition of woman. How then is it a useful word?

I can't 100% say that people are not using the word woman in purely biological terms but you can see from this thread that most people
commenting here are. I don't know anyone who would use that word in any other way but if they are, perhaps we should continue to try and break down those stereotypes rather than creating a context whereby women feel like to use the pronouns 'she/her' means that they are giving people permission to assume they are using the terms in non-biological ways. This is particularly uncomfortable given that there appear to be no pronouns for people who think differently than you to use. I can't state any preferred pronouns as - like you've demonstrated - there is a massive danger that people think that says something about my identity when it really doesn't. What pronouns should I prefer in this situation? I don't 'identify' with any, I don't feel 'comfortable' saying I am comfortable to be called she/ her or any other pronoun. I can't use them/ her as that suggests very binary thinking, which I feel is regressive and outdated. There is literally no pronoun that I can say I prefer as to do so suggests I think like you. I'm not criticizing your thinking but I am asking you to think about the position that pronoun stating actually puts many people in. Is there any way people can now say 'I'm happy to be called she/ her but only if you understand that this means I consider pronouns to solely be an expression of my biological sex and to say nothing about my identity which I believe is not significantly shaped by sex-based stereotypes?' I get that some people are also uncomfortable using the pronoun associated with their sex but that does not mean that the solution is to further embed stereotypes. I would like to help those people detach further from stereotypes and feel more free to just be them.

Helen8220 · 15/09/2021 14:19

I found this article on the use of singular they very interesting www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/singular-nonbinary-they

OchonAgusOchonOh · 15/09/2021 15:37

@Sunndown

they/them is a bit problematic because it's a plural. So something new maybe? For animals, I suppose if you object to the concept of sex you can just use "it". Or you could use one pronoun for humans and other animals.
Maybe it's regional but it's always been very common in Ireland to use they/them if you don't know the sex.
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 15/09/2021 15:40

Interesting article Helen. It suggests that the singular 'you' developed gradually though, rather than being imposed in a single swoop, which may be why 'they' feels so jarring.

The article feels very biased when it says this:

There have always been people who didn’t conform to an expected gender expression, or who seemed to be neither male nor female. But we’ve struggled to find the right language to describe these people—and in particular, the right pronouns

We've not really, in the most part, struggled to find the right language to describe people who didn't conform to expected gender expression. At the current time we call them 'he' or 'she' as indeed we did through much of history - suffragettes did not conform but were she's with apparently no concerns about those pronouns. Again, this is only a valid statement if you believe that the pronoun is linked to one's gender expression. As just one example, in my friendship group, 90% of the women earn more than their partners. Their partners have done a vast amount of childcare (in some cases much more than their female partners). There are many other ways in which both the men and women in this situation do not conform to stereotypes, but every single one of these people are happy with 'she' or 'he'. This article seems, at least in part, to be based on a false premise.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 16/09/2021 01:03

Who decides what is 'reasonable' and what is not?

Indeed. I'm not sure Helen should be seen as having the last word on it.

merrymouse · 16/09/2021 09:15

There have always been people who didn’t conform to an expected gender expression

Like women who wanted to study for a degree?

Like women who wear trousers?

Plenty of women don't 'conform to expected gender expression' in Afghanistan, but I don't think anyone is struggling to find the right language to describe them.

KittenKong · 16/09/2021 10:30

When mum was a young woman it wasn’t seemly for women to smoke in public. She wasn’t a smoker but would do so in public to piss off her dad if they had a row.

Siameasy · 16/09/2021 20:12

There’s no need for pronouns to describe people who don’t conform to gender stereotypes
Those people are still either male or female. So he or she will be accurate, regardless

Helen8220 · 16/09/2021 22:18

@Waitwhat23
If you read the comments of the emojiself pronoun page I linked above, it's clear that the people using them take them very seriously. If fae (for example) is accepted as a pronoun, surely not accepting people to express themselves in other ways is othering, as Eresh says? Who decides what is 'reasonable' and what is not?

It’s not that I think the emoji pronoun thing is ‘a step too far’, it’s that I think it’s practically unworkable for people to have bespoke, individual pronouns of any kind, given the role that pronouns play in our language.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 16/09/2021 22:37

A lot of things about gender identity ideology are unworkable, Helen. Why is this one not something people should just learn to suck up and get on with?

Waitwhat23 · 16/09/2021 22:47

[quote Helen8220]@Waitwhat23
If you read the comments of the emojiself pronoun page I linked above, it's clear that the people using them take them very seriously. If fae (for example) is accepted as a pronoun, surely not accepting people to express themselves in other ways is othering, as Eresh says? Who decides what is 'reasonable' and what is not?

It’s not that I think the emoji pronoun thing is ‘a step too far’, it’s that I think it’s practically unworkable for people to have bespoke, individual pronouns of any kind, given the role that pronouns play in our language.[/quote]
If people are asking for 'preferred pronouns' in email signatures, they are asking for bespoke, individual pronouns.

Helen8220 · 16/09/2021 22:50

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

The thing is, that it absolutely does capture how the vast majority of people use the word. There are always a few people who struggle to understand a concept. We don't change our language to fit in with their misunderstandings.

Actually this happens a fair bit. Take the word ‘disinterested’, which correctly means unbiased or not partisan. It has been so commonly misunderstood to mean the same as ‘uninterested’ that the old meaning has almost fallen out of usage and it is now pretty much accepted that it can be used to mean uninterested, because of that misunderstanding.

In what way was your language objectively accurate? I don't mean to be rude but the posts of yours I've read, every time you talk about gender ideology are entirely subjective and I think inaccurately assuming a commonality of experience. I think it is objective to say that pronouns can only ever refer to biological sex as otherwise we will have to have a joint definition of what 'woman' means - something which could never, ever be achieved. In the absence of that consensus, using the pronouns 'she/her' becomes fraught with assumptions which people then make about your character, beliefs etc.

When I said I was using language objectively I was specifically talking about my referring to ‘babies that are recorded as male or female at birth on the basis of their external genitalia’ and similar phrases to avoid using terms relating to sex or gender in a way which presupposes we agree their meaning, which we don’t.

Why do you think this has been the case since the dawn of time? I doubt that the modern assumptions about 'women' were made throughout all the 20,000 years of human existence and I do think it very possible that in our pre-history there was nothing like the level of sexist assumption made about women.

It’s an interesting question, I’d love to learn more about the history of the concepts of ‘man’ and ‘woman’. From things like the bible I guess we know that beliefs about inherent (not purely biological) differences between men and women go back quite a long way.

If we accept that the definition of 'woman' (if it is inexorably linked with assumptions about more than biological differences between men and women) changes every time there is a cultural change then, given that people relate to cultural change/ norms differently, there can be no commonality in the definition of woman. How then is it a useful word?

There are quite a lot of words that are useful and meaningful without having one single definition that everyone agrees on and which enables us to say in every single case definitively whether or not a thing (or person) falls within the definition. I’ve used the example before of ‘bisexual’ - you could start from ‘it means you’re attracted to people of both (/all) sexes (/genders)’ - but does that mean you’re bisexual if you’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex/gender once, even if every person you’ve been romantically or intimately involved with has been of the opposite sex/gender? Just because it’s a concept that’s a bit fuzzy around the edges doesn’t mean it’s not useful.

I can't 100% say that people are not using the word woman in purely biological terms but you can see from this thread that most people
commenting here are. I don't know anyone who would use that word in any other way but if they are, perhaps we should continue to try and break down those stereotypes rather than creating a context whereby women feel like to use the pronouns 'she/her' means that they are giving people permission to assume they are using the terms in non-biological ways. This is particularly uncomfortable given that there appear to be no pronouns for people who think differently than you to use. I can't state any preferred pronouns as - like you've demonstrated - there is a massive danger that people think that says something about my identity when it really doesn't. What pronouns should I prefer in this situation? I don't 'identify' with any, I don't feel 'comfortable' saying I am comfortable to be called she/ her or any other pronoun. I can't use them/ her as that suggests very binary thinking, which I feel is regressive and outdated. There is literally no pronoun that I can say I prefer as to do so suggests I think like you. I'm not criticizing your thinking but I am asking you to think about the position that pronoun stating actually puts many people in. Is there any way people can now say 'I'm happy to be called she/ her but only if you understand that this means I consider pronouns to solely be an expression of my biological sex and to say nothing about my identity which I believe is not significantly shaped by sex-based stereotypes?' I get that some people are also uncomfortable using the pronoun associated with their sex but that does not mean that the solution is to further embed stereotypes. I would like to help those people detach further from stereotypes and feel more free to just be them.

I don’t think most of the issues you mention are caused by stating preferred pronouns, they’re caused by the fact that the gender binary is embedded in our language, alongside lots of beliefs and assumptions about men and women. We can’t control what other people think about us - when they use our name, refer to us using the pronouns they believe to be the correct ones, or look at us. But we can all try to be more aware of the assumptions we’re making about other people when we interact with them, and consciously interrogate those assumptions and try not to let them affect the way we treat people.

Helen8220 · 16/09/2021 22:52

@Waitwhat23
If people are asking for 'preferred pronouns' in email signatures, they are asking for bespoke, individual pronouns.

Surely they’re more ‘off the peg’ than bespoke? You can choose from a list of 3 (maybe 4) options. You don’t get to just make one up, or pick from a list of hundreds.

Waitwhat23 · 16/09/2021 22:59

You can choose from a list of 3 (maybe 4) options. You don’t get to just make one up, or pick from a list of hundreds.

Is that the case in terms of your workplace? That there's a list of 3 or 4? Who makes that decision? I've seen plenty of 'preferred pronoun' requests which use neo pronouns for example - who is to say which ones are allowable?

Additionally, if someone really identifies with a particular, more unusual pronoun, is denying them the right to use it (if it's not on the list you get to choose from) really acceptable? Is that not denying them the right to 'bring their whole/true self to work'?

Waitwhat23 · 16/09/2021 23:06

Sorry, should have used the correct Stonewall language there - bringing their authentic self to work.

I'm assuming that your work is part of the Stonewall Diversity Champion scheme, Helen? How do they feel about the 3 or 4 allowable choices?

Helen8220 · 16/09/2021 23:30

@Waitwhat23

Like most things in life it’s a process of negotiation and compromise. I don’t think a large range of pronouns will take off because I think most people will recognise that it isn’t reasonable to expect others to remember them. I may of course be wrong.

I have yet to meet anyone in real life whose preferred pronouns were anything other than she, he or they (I might have come across a zie). We are part of the Stonewall scheme and I’ve been on a few conferences and things run by them. I don’t think I’ve heard their position on neopronouns, but I would happily raise my concerns with them if they suggested that they should always be adhered to.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 16/09/2021 23:37

I don’t think a large range of pronouns will take off because I think most people will recognise that it isn’t reasonable to expect others to remember them. I may of course be wrong.

What you're missing here, is that the motivation to insist that people dance to your tune, isn't something which is easily satisfied. It isn't about what's "reasonable". It will continue until someone puts a stop to it.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 16/09/2021 23:46

Actually this happens a fair bit. Take the word ‘disinterested’, which correctly means unbiased or not partisan. It has been so commonly misunderstood to mean the same as ‘uninterested’ that the old meaning has almost fallen out of usage and it is now pretty much accepted that it can be used to mean uninterested, because of that misunderstanding.

So are you acknowledging that the definition of woman that you propose is a change of definition? If not, how is this relevant? Yes some words have changed meaning over time. I believe criticize is another example. That does not suggest that we should consciously change the meaning of 'woman' to suit a minorities interests.

Just because it’s a concept that’s a bit fuzzy around the edges doesn’t mean it’s not useful.

Again, I don't see what point you are trying to make here? Yes there is fuzziness around many concepts. But that is irrelevant to this conversation which is not about fuzziness at the edges but a massive blob of confused ideology at the centre. For it to be a 'fuzzy edges' issue we'd need to start with a definition of the way you want to use the word 'woman'. But no-one is willing to provide one. Why is that?

I don’t think most of the issues you mention are caused by stating preferred pronouns, they’re caused by the fact that the gender binary is embedded in our language, alongside lots of beliefs and assumptions about men and women

I think you're making my point here. The gender binary you mention is created and perpetuated by the beliefs and assumptions made about men and women. It does not, and cannot exist outside of those assumptions - which you state to be 'alongside' the concept of gender. I agree that it's alongside. To accept your point of view we'd have to see it as central, as part of the actual core of the issue rather than alongside. If the assumptions are alongside as you suggest then we can change the gender binary by changing what is 'alongside' (which is what most feminists and GC people want). Your suggested course of action is actually embedding the binary thinking as it suggests that people who act in feminine ways are women and those who act in masculine ways are male.

We can’t control what other people think about us - when they use our name, refer to us using the pronouns they believe to be the correct ones, or look at us

You are completely missing the point. There is a vast sea between 'controlling what others think about us' and actively being forced to pick a box to put yourself in when none of the boxes are the right ones for you. To pick up on your example of bisexuality, imagine if you needed to tick a box to say you are either homosexual or heterosexual. Neither box describes you and although you can't control how others see you or think about you, this does not make it OK to ask people to put themselves in those inappropriate boxes. This is the exact position that most people are now being put in when they are pressurized to state preferred pronouns.

In addition, you seem to say that can't control the pronouns people believe to be the correct one. Why then have you been advocating for that exact position on this thread?

But we can all try to be more aware of the assumptions we’re making about other people when we interact with them, and consciously interrogate those assumptions and try not to let them affect the way we treat people.

Yes I agree. People who support gender ideology and those who worry about the damage it is doing all need to interrogate their assumptions. I honestly don't see much of that from gender ideologists. I don't really know what you mean by 'not letting that affect the way we treat people'. You seem to be suggesting that there is a way forward which is 'nice' to everyone?. There really isn't as the concerns people have about the damage gender ideology is doing are legitimate but despite the clear elucidation of those concerns, gender ideologists continue to see things differently. There are opposing interests at stake so there is no solution which works for everyone and lack of being able to find one is not evidence of people not interrogating their assumptions, rather it is a reflection of the complexity of the situation.

Overall I may have misunderstood but you seem to be saying that language evolves over time, there is always fuzziness about exact definitions and we need to be nice to people. If this is the rationale for the suggestion that we change the definition of 'woman' then I would suggest that it is so weak that it might suggest that you need to interrogate your own assumptions, with a particular focus on whose interests will actually be supported if we all (or a majority) agree to change the definition of women and how we would actually be able to talk about the inequality issues which affect biological women regardless of how they identify.