My 17 yo DD tells me she is a boy but I seem to be such a terrible mother for not going along with it

[pixiecolour]

My DD has a terrible time growing up, really struggled, was bullied at school and has had issues with mental health for a while now (we have entered the CAMHS zone 💩). Aged 13 she spent time at school with a girl who transitioned, and told my DD that all her worries were really down to the fact that she is actually a boy. Cue the Dysphoria (self diagnosed) and now she is 17 hates me because I can't go along with the whole thing, but I can see through it. Communication has broken down and we are in a very dark place.

So sorry you are both having such a difficult time. I'm afraid I can't give you much advice apart from keep trying to talk to her.

Have CAMHS given you any advice?

She is very nearly an adult, and has faced so much in her short life. She will go on this journey whether you like it or not- it's just a matter of what kind of support you want to offer her along the way. Our children will do things we disapprove of, thing we consider harmful to them long term, and it's hard... But you can either be there or not, you're not going to convince her that you know her mind better than she does.

Best wishes to you and DD. You know you are right, and are trying to protect her, but it must be very hard. Transgender Trend have good resources, and many MNers can give good advice from their own experiences.

You may think you can "see through it", but you are not her. I think the best way to get her through it is to support her, by "not going along with it" you will just entrench her in her position. If it is a long lasting feeling, you will just alienate her more. If it's a response to other things that are difficult in her life, then supporting her current choice will help her get through those difficulties, rather than giving her another battle to fight.

Go along with it, in the same way you did when he was 2 and decided he was a dinosaur or whatever.
Acknowledge it and let he live how he wants as long as he isn’t doing anything dangerous or irreversible. He may decide eventually that he is still a girl or he may decide to live as a boy long term and the best way to protect him is join him on his journey so you can monitor and protect him from close by rather than alienate him
It’s hard and I feel for you, you can’t change your sex and changing your gender doesn’t solve most people’s problems and while you shouldn’t lie to protect his feelings it’s better to remain close so you can support and help

join Bayswater support...they have been a lifeline to me personally...you can chat with other parents in the same boat

Try to understand
What is a boy ?
In what aspects of life does it make any difference if you are a boy or a girl?
Why should anyone need to change anything about themselves to be accepted as who they are ?

Love
Bullies hurt
Bullies are bad people, they are the ones who are wrong but it's hard to accept that you are fine and it's others who are wrong when you are outnumbered and unhappy
You don't want her to change in any way because she is perfect

What exactly is she asking you to do?
Thinking along the lines of toddlers and dinosaurs, can you accommodate her choices whilst giving her the chance to change her mind later?

OP you could make a very long list of all the things you love about her, give it to her and buy her [https://www.hive.co.uk/Product/Kamal-Ravikant/Love-Yourself-Like-Your-Life-Depends-on-It/24071704 Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It]. Consider life coaching to help her with her self esteem.

link fail
Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It

You think you can see through it but have you thought that this might actually be real? I’d support them on their journey, they’re old enough to make this decision x

I had four years of this when dd declared herself trans. She's 18 now. I went along with her wearing what she deemed male clothes, called her her chosen name, listened to all the introspection and angst, held her hand and challenged her gently because I believed if I opposed her it would cement her beliefs.
I fought to have her placed in an autism specialist school because the mainstream secondary wasn't right for her and once there she found that she could be herself who was a geeky autistic female. The clothes made their way to the charity bag and her chosen name was forgotten when she moved school In time I hope we can smile about those four years but for now I'm forever grateful that we got through it with her in one piece.

Are you on Twitter? StillTish is an amazing woman who supported her son while refusing to engage in his transition, and he’s now happy as the gay young man he always was rather than the transgirl he claimed to be when in distress.

She is worth following. Transgender Trend also.

In a few months time, your daughter will legally be an adult and will be able to do, or change, whatever she wants to her own body. I would suggest that it is not in your interests to behave like previous generations of parents who refused to accept that their children were gay and rejected them. If you insist on doing this, you will only alienate her and you & her will inevitably become estranged.

Is that really what you want?

I don’t think OP is rejecting her son at all, she is trying to protect him from potentially harmful irreversible choices which is what all parents should do

The differences between gay and trans include

gay is observable by someone other than the gay person , the sexual response can be measured

Gay people exists in the same proportion in all cultures and ages

Gay doesn't need anything about a person to be changed. All harmful treatment for being gay is rightly considered evil

So being gay is innate and harmless

Being trans clearly isn't ( in vast majority of cases ) innate , and it's "treatment " can lead to lifelong physical problems including sterilisation

So yeah I really think that's a great analogy

This must be really frightening for you

Please reach out to other parents who are going through this - there are several groups others have mentioned already, also, genspect.org and @stillmum on twitter. Stella O'malley psychotherapist might be helpful too.

Your poor DD sounds like she is in a lot of pain, and desperately trying to find a solution to it. I would also try to find a GC counsellor.

Sympathy.

@Mallowmazing

I am so sorry you are in this difficult place.

People will be along with advice soon.

Please ignore people who say that you need to support her transition. Would those people tell the mum of an anorexic teen that she needs to support her calorie restriction?

Top line - totally agree with.

Second line - true.

Last paragraph. No. Not helpful. You might not like the whole thing but…..

Anorexia is an illness. Dysphoria isn’t.

You’d try to help an anorexic child survive, eat normally etc.

A child with Dysphoria isn’t ill but does need their parents support. They have a lot on their minds and need a calm and supportive environment - hard as that may be to you as their parents.

There are support groups for both your child and for parents.

Its not an easy time for parents - bringing up children never has been, they spring surprises on you.

Coming to terms with it - not always easy.
But we don’t plan our children’s lives. We gradually loose control (as we should) when they learn to say no, start nursery, start school, choose friends etc etc.

Start to talk, start to listen.

So where am I coming from? 3 adult gay children. Not the same but still a shock.

If they are not I'll they don't need treatment that's good
No hormones , no surgery , no binding

But if they are not ill mentally or physically, what does it actually matter?what does it affect?

Being gay affects who you partner with

@Unfashionable

In a few months time, your daughter will legally be an adult and will be able to do, or change, whatever she wants to her own body. I would suggest that it is not in your interests to behave like previous generations of parents who refused to accept that their children were gay and rejected them. If you insist on doing this, you will only alienate her and you & her will inevitably become estranged.

Is that really what you want?

It's hardly the same is it. Being gay does not cause personal phyiscal harm. Physically transitioning does. Can you really not see the difference?

I felt like your daughter. Internet was just getting going and I didn’t really know anything about trans at the time, thank fuck.
Now I have kids and I finally love my female body.
I’m still extremely gender non-conforming and also quite gay which might have been part of it all.
I think I needed to see masculine women, butch role models. I think that would have helped a lot. Older butches or sports women maybe.
However, the online butch community at the moment seems to have so many young butches going on T. It’s messed up. I so understand dysphoria and I really feel for young people going through this, but I can never support hormonal or surgical pathways that are not reversible.

@Hoppinggreen

Go along with it, in the same way you did when he was 2 and decided he was a dinosaur or whatever. Acknowledge it and let he live how he wants as long as he isn’t doing anything dangerous or irreversible. He may decide eventually that he is still a girl or he may decide to live as a boy long term and the best way to protect him is join him on his journey so you can monitor and protect him from close by rather than alienate him It’s hard and I feel for you, you can’t change your sex and changing your gender doesn’t solve most people’s problems and while you shouldn’t lie to protect his feelings it’s better to remain close so you can support and help

Why have you chosen to use male pronouns when the OP is clear that HER daughter is a she?

@Scutterbug

You think you can see through it but have you thought that this might actually be real? I’d support them on their journey, they’re old enough to make this decision x

What, changing sex is real? In what way?

I also needed my mum to know and accept I was never going to be a pretty girly girl and not show her disappointment about that. Maybe take her shopping for some masc clothes and show your admiration for some masc women in the media. There’s a YouTube video about butch women somewhere I’ll see if I can find it. You don’t have to encourage binding or packing but you could get her a minimising sports bra, take her to a barber for a haircut etc. When you’re butch it’s easy to feel like you’re not a real woman and it takes a long time to come into your power and feel attractive. This might just be a phase and she might be totally femme in a few years but she will always remember that you were accepting and that you still saw her value even though it’s not what society values.