My 17 yo DD tells me she is a boy but I seem to be such a terrible mother for not going along with it

[pixiecolour]

My DD has a terrible time growing up, really struggled, was bullied at school and has had issues with mental health for a while now (we have entered the CAMHS zone 💩). Aged 13 she spent time at school with a girl who transitioned, and told my DD that all her worries were really down to the fact that she is actually a boy. Cue the Dysphoria (self diagnosed) and now she is 17 hates me because I can't go along with the whole thing, but I can see through it. Communication has broken down and we are in a very dark place.

@Backtomyoldname

Definition of dysphoria:
“ What Is Dysphoria? Dysphoria is a psychological state that is often caused by or accompanies a mental health condition. Stress, grief, relationship difficulties, and other environmental problems can also cause dysphoria. Most often, dysphoria is a mood, which means someone can have fleeting moments of dysphoria”

I am using the pronouns that OPs child would probably prefer as they feel they are a boy.
Unfortunately OP may have to as well if they wish to open lines of communication.
As I said I don’t believe people can change sex but using someone’s preferred pronouns or a neutral one can mean a lot and show you are not the enemy, which is what OP needs to do now. If she alienates her child now it could just drive them deeper into the idea that they are actually a boy with no way to back out. If she wants to help her child she needs to keep them close and if using certain words helps with that then why not?

Also, sorry for going on, but my view now of belief in innate gender identity is that it is akin to religious belief. I personally don’t have an inner feeling of ‘gender identity’ but I recognise that other people do and it brings them comfort, belonging and helps them make sense of things, as would a belief in god. So I will never disrespect anyone who says they’re trans, but likewise I would not go along with affirming those beliefs beyond respecting pronouns and certainly not in the case of young vulnerable people who are thinking about making permanent physical changes to their bodies.

I am pretty clear that although I like to wear masculine clothes and I don’t act in a feminine way, I am 100% woman through the experiences of my biological body. So I would say your daughter should know people like me exist and we’re not ‘evil Terfs’. She should know there’s an alternative perspective.

Your daughter is telling herself something that can never be true. The only kind of person who can desire to be male and isn't is a female. Every act she takes to try to be male will be further proof that she is a woman--if she binds or removes her breasts, she will be doing something that only women do to imitate the look of men. If she cuts her hair or dresses in male clothes or takes on a man's name in order to seem more male, then she is by definition imitating males. There is literally nothing she can do that will not be an act that is aping males, because each act she undertakes is proof that she is not being a man, but acting the part of one in a way that actual men don't have to. They don't have to dress in male clothes in order to seem more male. They ARE male. They don't have to take on male names to seem more male. They ARE male. And they definitely don't have to cut off parts of their bodies to be their natural male selves.

I think it's possible (though difficult) to support your daughter without signing up to everything she says. She can wear what she likes, call herself what she likes, etc etc, and there's no issue, just as you'd support her if she eg wore goth clothes and called herself Willow for a bit, as teenagers will. You don't have to fund anything you think will harm her (eg binders), but if she wants to wear baggy shirts, well, a lot of us have been there.

I also think it is helpful gently pointing her towards the narratives of young women who have been where she is, and have since detransitioned, but she may not be ready to hear this for a while.

What support do they want? Its all very well to tantrum and say your not supportive but what support do they want? Pronouns?surgery? Affirmative behaviour?

They may also be autistic and may benefit from an assessment and diagnosis to help them understand themself.

She is very nearly an adult

Really ?? At 13???

@SilentPanic

I really do not understand how society has reached a point where medical intervention is provided to people who do not have an illness.

Everything is fine, I am mentally well, my body is fine, by the way, I want to change sex so NHS, can you find this please?

@EarthSight

She is very nearly an adult

Really ?? At 13???

She's 17 as the title states.

The Opening post mentioned 13 as part of background.

I am just chiming in to say that I recently joined this site for exactly the same reasons, also with my eldest child who is having similar thoughts. I don't know where else to turn, but it all just makes me so sick. Thank you for sharing your experience

Gender Detox
Type of resource: Forum

Link: www.reddit.com/r/gender_detox/

Description: Gender is the cause of dysphoria, not the solution to it. If you are dysphoric, considering transition or detransition, gender non-conforming and tired of genderism, this is the place for you. It’s okay to reject transnormativity, it’s okay to be different. There is no wrong way to be a woman, no wrong way to be a man.

@SilentPanic

She is very nearly an adult, and has faced so much in her short life. She will go on this journey whether you like it or not- it's just a matter of what kind of support you want to offer her along the way. Our children will do things we disapprove of, thing we consider harmful to them long term, and it's hard... But you can either be there or not, you're not going to convince her that you know her mind better than she does.

Put perfectly.

If she is already struggling with her mental health she needs you on side and being supportive. I don't wish to be unkind but if you are vocal about disagreeing with this then it will be affecting her mental health.

She is going to go on this journey and feel this way regardless of your opinion on it. She needs you in her corner.

My DD has a terrible time growing up, really struggled, was bullied at school and has had issues with mental health

Just a thought but being bullied, lacking self-esteem and struggling growing up is common for autistic girls most of whom are not diagnosed (or worse mis-diagnosed with something else)

Aged 13 she spent time at school with a girl who transitioned, and told my DD that all her worries were really down to the fact that she is actually a boy.

have you explored autism?
the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/

Be loving and supportive but be a tether to the reality that a) she can never actually turn into a man and b) this is more likely to worsen her MH problems in the longer term and c) it's a social contagion that very likely she will one day grow out of when it's no longer fashionable and a way to get oodles of attention from her peers.

I’m afraid even though I would consider myself a bit GC and hugely sceptical about the current trans trend, if my own child presented like this I would see that no good could come of not ‘going along with it’.
I would not support them to make any permanent changes but I would call them what they wanted to be called and make sure they knew as their mum I accepted them

Sympathies, OP. My lovely niece has transitioned and will no longer talk to me because I agreed with the Maya Forstater judgement. She's in her early twenties and had her 'top surgery' last year.

I think you should go along with it too, assuming it could be real - however you should also be encouraging him to keep an open mind as it might not be the actual answer to his internal struggle. Time will tell, but in the meantime support him in his wishes.
Discourage anything that will cause permanent physical changes, with the proviso that if he still feels the same in a couple of years then of course you’ll be fully supportive of that too.

And yes I’ve used “he” because that is what the op should do to support her child. Opposing this, is just causing more angst for her child and will probably push her further into thinking that’s the answer to her problems.

Sorry to hear this, its really tough 😔 I'm step parent to a socially transitioned teen. I echo another post re Bayswater support. Even just to lurk and read the threads on there can be really helpful. A buber of posts above suggest that you have to make a choice between fully support or entirely reject. That's too blunt. I think u can be supportive, acknowledge that you hear what she is saying, you know she really feels like this, but let her know that this isn't how you see her And its not how you make sense of the world yourself, but that you respect her right to make her own decisions. Over time you can talk and gently explore the concepts involved (which are pretty flimsy) and remind her that your only trying to look after her best interests. I feel as a parent you should be allowed to have your own reality and your own truth, and unfortunately if you completely "go along with it" ie pretend that you also believe she's boy etc, that could make it more likely that she chooses medical interventions. The question of whether gender dysphoria is a illness is just semantics - obviously it's not a healthy place to be, whatever you call it.

I do find some posts a bit off

Using he pronoun to avoid offending someone not on the thread completely ignores the feelings of the person who created the thread ... like their feelings DJ t matter

I am using the pronouns that OPs child would probably prefer as they feel they are a boy.

Why? You're addressing the OP, not the OP's child. Your comments therefore can only possibly help/upset the OP. They can't have any effect on the OP's child whatsoever.

No empathy by certain posters that a 13 year old girl was told she was a boy.

@lazylinguist

I am using the pronouns that OPs child would probably prefer as they feel they are a boy.

Why? You're addressing the OP, not the OP's child. Your comments therefore can only possibly help/upset the OP. They can't have any effect on the OP's child whatsoever.

I agree with this. The person asking for help has used female pronouns for her female child.

Link to Bayswater support for the OP and anyone else going through this.

bayswatersupport.org.uk/