The use of the term 'trans widow'

[aibubaby]

I've found this term in poor taste ever since I saw it, and this article I've seen on Twitter is a great look at why.

rachelemoss.com/2021/06/24/a-letter-to-trans-widows-from-an-actual-widow/

Marriages end all the time because one spouse isn't who the other thought they were. It's sad or heartbreaking or difficult, and people have (obviously) got the right to grieve for a relationship which is no longer the same. But it isn't a death and it's thoughtless to describe it as though it is.

Oh, damn
There really is no support for trans widows, it was bad enough trying to find others before we had a name.

I think the name suggested by Notbadconsidering could catch on..

“Former Partners of Amazing Trans Women Who Decided to Live Their Authentic Lives But I Decided It Wasn’t For Me”

No? Shame. Maybe the dead named former husbands who no longer exist could inform us of the correct term.

No? Shame. Maybe the dead named former husbands who no longer exist could inform us of the correct term.
I get "bitter hag" from them quite a lot if that counts?

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

I don't give a shiny shit how trans Windows prefer to refer to themselves, or who it offends. They've been through enough. Unlike a spouse just becoming incompatible with them they aren't even supposed to acknowledge that the person they knew as their husband ever existed. They're supposed to pretend that they've always bewen called by a feminine name, and have all official documents altered to pretend that's the case. They're supposed to pretend that their husband is their wife, that they have always been married to a woman, that it makes no difference to their own lives, that they're actually happy about it. They get wheeled out in propaganda videos to exclaim through forced smiles how wonderful it is that their family now had two mummies. Their role is very clear - they are to support the fantasy at any cost to themselves. I think we all remember that BBC short film "when dad became Charlotte" or whatever it was called, where Charlotte was pictured whizzing around of Rollerskates demonstrating, of course, just how much of a woman she really was, with the kids running to keep up with her, and the "other" mum trudging along behind carrying all the bags and coats. I feel offended for her. This isn't just a case of "he changed, we grew apart", it's an extra cage placed around women who are usually already in very unhappy or even abusive marriages. And if they fail at any part of this, if they even hint that they are anything other than delighted and supportive, then they face ostracisation from their social group or even actual abuse on and offline.

I don't give a shit if they call themselves transwidows. I don't give a shit if anyone is offended by it. How about being offended on their behalf by what their husbands are doing to them? Or, if you really can't muster up even a shred of empathy for these women, how about just fucking off entirely and leaving them alone? Sick to death of the endless bloody policing of how women express and describe themselves.

👏👏👏

Well, if MN wont move Transwidows support thread to chat, we lot had better do a very good job of ensuring harassment doesn't occur and it will be the one occasion where I do report.

Also, I am a widow but have no attachment at all to the word. The only time I have to consider it's use is when I fill in forms

@PrawnofthePatriarchy

That’s a truly beautiful, empathetic and compassionate post. I’m sorry you lost your husband.

Well, if MN wont move Transwidows support thread to chat, we lot had better do a very good job of ensuring harassment doesn't occur and it will be the one occasion where I do report.

Absolutely, right behind you on that. I will robustly defend this space and those who need it, and I’m really not fussed about how many people I might offend in the process. They can go elsewhere, since there are many other corners where they can hang out.

And to you too. Again, I’m sorry for your loss.

I have reported chickeny

But I had a question, and I posted it in the area of the site that questions like this are apparently allowed, and now I'm being told I'm a dickhead for doing so.

Op, you didn't ask a question, you just said that you found the term transwidows in poor taste, ever since you heard it.

You would have stopped finding it in poor taste, had you read anything about it before starting a thread.

Often, the person concerned will not just change their passport and driving license, but also their birth certificate. Re-writing their entire life, and expecting their wife or partner, and children, to accept their own lives being re-written as well. It's nothing like being incompatible in the normal course of a marriage.

It's changing the person entirely.

If you read any of the transwidows stories, you will see that bereaved is exactly the way these women have felt.

It's not drama, it's not hyperbole. It simply is.

And, actually the name is completely immaterial. It's the very fact that these women are getting their voices heard that is unacceptable.

They show exactly what it's like, at the coalface, and it's a lot more grim than people are led to believe.

@334bu

I have reported chickeny

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to cross any lines. I'm obviously out of my depth. Which post needs deleting?

I saw this on Twitter earlier.

I honestly don't get how 'dead name' is OK then.....?!

@Letsgetreadytocrumble

I saw this on Twitter earlier.

I honestly don't get how 'dead name' is OK then.....?!

hypocrisy

Another widow here. I'm happy for women to use the term trans widow.

I'm very sorry that a woman who is clearly in the throes of very raw, painful grief is dealing with that by attacking other women. It doesn't seem like a very healthy way of coping with those feelings.

OP - I find your posts rather disingenuous. Like you, I have no skin in the game and I wouldn't dream of telling other women how to name their experiences.

By the way, two words combined in such a way as to make a new word is known as a portmanteau. While trans widows isn't actually a portmanteau, I'm surprised Rachel doesn't recognise that, being an academic.

For tinselangel, the other trans widows and widows on this thread

prawn I'm so sorry you lost your beloved husband. That was a beautiful tribute.

@TinselAngel

Finally, no, this is not a plea to “be kind.” (FUCK THAT) But it is a request to fucking listen, ask, evaluate, and possibly learn.

I should learn from the OP how?

I didn’t say you should. I admire what you’ve achieved and I’m sympathetic to your experience.

I said “possibly” and it was a collective ‘you.’ Perhaps I should have said ‘one.’

My opinion is that the OP has acted in good faith, especially based on subsequent posts. OP seems to want a conversation.

Either way, I’ve read pretty much ALL the threads here for seven years (including the trans widow threads), rarely contribute because I am always learning and don’t have anything to add that hasn’t been said better by others.

Many say they want a conversation. I believe it’s important to have the conversation with each other as well as the opposition.

@334bu

I have reported chickeny

eh? I thought chickeny was making a point in support? Or am I confused?

I'm confused too Helleofabore. I was under the impression that chickeny is a trans widow.

I also thought Chickeny was making a supportive point rather than a negative one.

I thought chickeny was being ironic

I'm lucky not to be a trans widow, but I have read the threads and cried some.

I was trying, unsuccessfully, to point out that even in these circumstances, women aren't allowed to choose a name to describe the utter devastation of their former husbands and lives ceasing to exist. It is grief which makes a lie out of lives shared to that point.

No offence intended. It just seems a little late in the day to object to the word. It is now universally understood.

I know the journey isn't easy for anyone, but I believe that it is

@chickenyhead

I'm lucky not to be a trans widow, but I have read the threads and cried some.

I was trying, unsuccessfully, to point out that even in these circumstances, women aren't allowed to choose a name to describe the utter devastation of their former husbands and lives ceasing to exist. It is grief which makes a lie out of lives shared to that point.

No offence intended. It just seems a little late in the day to object to the word. It is now universally understood.

I know the journey isn't easy for anyone, but I believe that it is

I think your point was clear and well made.

Thank you, keep being you

Apologies chickeny. I must have misread one of your posts as I thought you were a trans widow too. I did know your posts were supportive, however.

@chickenyhead’s point was clear, and well made.

We don't have nearly enough words to describe ambiguous loss or grief - that loss that occurs without closure or clear understanding. The kind of loss that leaves a person searching for answers, and thus complicates and delays the process of grieving, and often results in unresolved grief.

The last time you saw someone who goes missing; the death of a friend by suicide; a mother with dementia who doesn't know who you are any more; a realisation that you may never bear a child; a much loved person who breaks contact with the family; a life changing accident; a husband or child who comes out as trans which calls into question not only their past but yours too.

to all affected by ambiguous loss