The use of the term 'trans widow'

[aibubaby]

I've found this term in poor taste ever since I saw it, and this article I've seen on Twitter is a great look at why.

rachelemoss.com/2021/06/24/a-letter-to-trans-widows-from-an-actual-widow/

Marriages end all the time because one spouse isn't who the other thought they were. It's sad or heartbreaking or difficult, and people have (obviously) got the right to grieve for a relationship which is no longer the same. But it isn't a death and it's thoughtless to describe it as though it is.

My apologies chickeny I misread your post about the names and totally missed the irony . I have contacted HQ.to retract my report. Sorry senior moment.

What about the spiders? Are they allowed the word widow. Because they are called this even if they haven't killed any other spiders.

@334bu

My apologies chickeny I misread your post about the names and totally missed the irony . I have contacted HQ.to retract my report. Sorry senior moment.

No problem at all, I have changed my underwear now, so all good.

I can see why transactivists dislike the reminder that they've hurt people - but it's not really their place to tell those people how to express their pain.

This!

Tinsel
Prawn

It's also striking how wives, partners and children get excluded from the conversation. Almost universally.

We all hear about middle-aged transitioners, etc. We hear about being a minority, human rights, being oppressed, one's lived experience, transphobia, bigotry, etc.

We hardly ever hear about the family who are dealing with it.

It's almost like a Doctor Who perception filter that stops any kind of discourse over the people negatively affected.

Even down to criticising the bloody name they call themselves.

It's striking. Children of transitioners and transwidows voices are the only two websites that come to mind dedicated to the families who are suffering.

As opposed to exactly how much air time is given to the men who are transitioning?

Has anyone heard a radio programme dedicated to transwidows? Ever? Or a transwidow being a guest on a radio programme discussing the issue?

And now, with the smallest bloody tiny little bit of publicity, they are being viciously targeted online.

Another widow here, and no objection to the word Trans widows at all.

It strikes me as a perfect description of what the wives go through and as has been said grief and pain is not a competitive sport.

@ANewCreation

We don't have nearly enough words to describe ambiguous loss or grief - that loss that occurs without closure or clear understanding. The kind of loss that leaves a person searching for answers, and thus complicates and delays the process of grieving, and often results in unresolved grief.

The last time you saw someone who goes missing; the death of a friend by suicide; a mother with dementia who doesn't know who you are any more; a realisation that you may never bear a child; a much loved person who breaks contact with the family; a life changing accident; a husband or child who comes out as trans which calls into question not only their past but yours too.

to all affected by ambiguous loss

That’s a beautiful post, thank you

Grief takes so many forms.

It's also striking how wives, partners and children get excluded from the conversation. Almost universally.

Isn't it just Datun, it's all about the man transitioning, the most stunningest, bravest and oppressest ever, ever in the whole wide world, lot's of "you go girl, live your truth" and the wives and children? No-one gives a flying fuck, and that just adds further to the abuse the wives and children have already endured and it damn well is abuse.

The only wives who are ever mentioned are those who stay and one look at how worn down and subjugated they are tells you all you need to know.

I don't use social media much, but I do want to weigh in on this one. This is what psychologists call "ambiguous loss" - the person you knew is gone, but you don't have the finality of death. It is comparable to losing someone to dementia, or having a loved one simply go missing. So, yes, I consider myself a transwidow. I regard my pre-transition and post-transition ex as two different people, the former of whom is, if not actually dead, certainly long gone,

I don't give a shit if they call themselves transwidows. I don't give a shit if anyone is offended by it. How about being offended on their behalf by what their husbands are doing to them? Or, if you really can't muster up even a shred of empathy for these women, how about just fucking off entirely and leaving them alone? Sick to death of the endless bloody policing of how women express and describe themselves.

Fantastic description by ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings that was worth repeating.

I'm so sorry for the losses women have had here

A widow gets real life support. She's recognised as having lost her love and a large part if her life.

Trans widows are expected to be happy and proud and support their new wife. They have no real world support and are even vilified for expressing any grief.

Let alone describing any actual abuse that they experience.

If they're expected to accept a man can become a woman, they can use the term trans widow to highlight their own experiences.

Which are rainbow washed away.

It's just that I haven't seen any examples of that happening.

Funny that isn't it?

Yes funny. 🤔

This thread is here because the trans widows were in the telegraph last week.

Trans widows voices' twitter and TinselAngel have had a lot of trolling on twitter.

This is a by product of that.

@aibubaby

Sophocles I don't know who TinselAngel is, but I obviously don't agree with anyone getting death threats on social media, that's disgusting.

Have you taken the time to read the Transwidows’ accounts of what they have been put through? If you had, and still think your policing of the language they choose to describe themselves, then you’ve got about as much empathy as a chocolate tea pot.

The GRA was written to protect the right to privacy. The legal goal of a GRC is to conceal a past life (with some exceptions). It therefore necessarily impacts on people who were part of the past life that is theoretically now hidden.

That isn’t really comparable to somebody who has an affair or wants a divorce.

Imagine you are the victim of financial abuse and controlling behaviour, and the court imposes a super injunction on you and your kids.
You are never permitted to say what happened to you, not in any context. Not even when you are trying to sort out the mess with the bank, or your legal documents.
Any breach of the super injunction will create severe legal penalties for you, plus social exclusion and attacks by complete strangers on social media.

Thats the closest analogy I can think of. Don't expect the women forced to navigate the system to shut up just because it makes you uncomfortable.

Thank god someone had the sense to say this. Also there's a marked difference between golf widow and trans widow. Those that refer to themselves as golf widows don't actually consider their partners to be dead.

Obviously if you partner comes out as trans that may well be a shock and you're well within your right to end the relationship, you're allowed to dislike or even hate them because there's no monopoly on emotions. No one will judge you for saying you miss the person they were before, that's allowed. Calling yourself a trans widow, acting as if your ex is dead and comparing yourself to people whose partners have died (and in some instances saying you have it worse) is just so unnecessarily cruel. No on is asking the ex partners of trans people not to grieve, they're asking them to have some empathy, and a lesson in empathy might go a long way for people who are GC.

Seriously, do they not teach what an analogy is at school now?

@Leahcar65

Thank god someone had the sense to say this. Also there's a marked difference between golf widow and trans widow. Those that refer to themselves as golf widows don't actually consider their partners to be dead.

Obviously if you partner comes out as trans that may well be a shock and you're well within your right to end the relationship, you're allowed to dislike or even hate them because there's no monopoly on emotions. No one will judge you for saying you miss the person they were before, that's allowed. Calling yourself a trans widow, acting as if your ex is dead and comparing yourself to people whose partners have died (and in some instances saying you have it worse) is just so unnecessarily cruel. No on is asking the ex partners of trans people not to grieve, they're asking them to have some empathy, and a lesson in empathy might go a long way for people who are GC.

Read this and then tell me this woman should have had more empathy.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.transwidowsvoices.org/amp/philomena-s-story-there-and-back-again

Is there a tag team going on here?

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

I don't give a shiny shit how trans Windows prefer to refer to themselves, or who it offends. They've been through enough. Unlike a spouse just becoming incompatible with them they aren't even supposed to acknowledge that the person they knew as their husband ever existed. They're supposed to pretend that they've always bewen called by a feminine name, and have all official documents altered to pretend that's the case. They're supposed to pretend that their husband is their wife, that they have always been married to a woman, that it makes no difference to their own lives, that they're actually happy about it. They get wheeled out in propaganda videos to exclaim through forced smiles how wonderful it is that their family now had two mummies. Their role is very clear - they are to support the fantasy at any cost to themselves. I think we all remember that BBC short film "when dad became Charlotte" or whatever it was called, where Charlotte was pictured whizzing around of Rollerskates demonstrating, of course, just how much of a woman she really was, with the kids running to keep up with her, and the "other" mum trudging along behind carrying all the bags and coats. I feel offended for her. This isn't just a case of "he changed, we grew apart", it's an extra cage placed around women who are usually already in very unhappy or even abusive marriages. And if they fail at any part of this, if they even hint that they are anything other than delighted and supportive, then they face ostracisation from their social group or even actual abuse on and offline.

I don't give a shit if they call themselves transwidows. I don't give a shit if anyone is offended by it. How about being offended on their behalf by what their husbands are doing to them? Or, if you really can't muster up even a shred of empathy for these women, how about just fucking off entirely and leaving them alone? Sick to death of the endless bloody policing of how women express and describe themselves.

Just want to bump this post for any newcomers.

Children of Transitioners
August 2019
'The Invisible Mother'
(extract)
"I don’t see much respect for mothers from the trans community, although the word ‘mother’ is sometimes appropriated. I suppose it’s one answer to an obvious problem: what do you call a Daddy who doesn’t want to be called ‘Daddy’ any more? I had to call my father something and he hadn’t provided me with any other option. Ironically, when he was going in for his operation I told friends at school that ‘my mother’ would be away for a while in hospital. At least one of them assumed it was for a hysterectomy. But now I am angry that I had to pretend my real mother didn’t exist. I wish I hadn’t felt obliged to disrespect my mother like that.

Google provides many examples of the appropriation of ‘mother’. Transsexual Meghan Stabler writes in the Huffington Post of being named Working Mother’s ‘Working Mother of the Year’: “The transition to working mother has been a difficult one.” But nowhere in the article is Meghan’s daughter’s actual mother. Who is this ghostly figure? A random, friendly uterus, dispensing children as required?

A friend sent me an exchange on Twitter of a transitioner raising lots of money because their child’s mother had not returned the child when expected in their custody agreement. The rest of this person’s Twitter is about transition; happy pictures of new nails, a wig, selfies taken in changing rooms. Exciting! A new life! And the old one discarded. A child kept as proof of a new status: ‘mother’. ‘Mom’." (continues)
childrenoftransitioners.org/2019/08/29/the-invisible-mother/