The use of the term 'trans widow'

[aibubaby]

I've found this term in poor taste ever since I saw it, and this article I've seen on Twitter is a great look at why.

rachelemoss.com/2021/06/24/a-letter-to-trans-widows-from-an-actual-widow/

Marriages end all the time because one spouse isn't who the other thought they were. It's sad or heartbreaking or difficult, and people have (obviously) got the right to grieve for a relationship which is no longer the same. But it isn't a death and it's thoughtless to describe it as though it is.

@Leahcar65

Sorry I'm not really sure what your point is here. You've linked to a story about a woman who escaped an incredibly abusive relationship, I don't know how the relates to people in non abusive relationships co-opting the term widow to describe their divorce.

reading the Trans Widows support thread was very eye opening for me.

These women had common experiences. Common themes were

• Being coerced by their husbands into performing sexual acts that made them uncomfortable

• secretive and compulsive behaviour on the part of their husbands

• compulsive spending by their husbands and direction of family money towards transitioning

• pressure to redefine their sexual orientation

• pressure to agree to revisions of history

not everyone who is divorced experiences this. But from the testimony I've seen most women who would describe themselves as transwidows have experienced some or all of these things

people with unique and shared experiences need and deserve words to describe themselves

and no wonder people try to shut down transwidows voices. their real experiences are quite inconvenient

Calling yourself a trans widow, acting as if your ex is dead and comparing yourself to people whose partners have died (and in some instances saying you have it worse) is just so unnecessarily cruel. No on is asking the ex partners of trans people not to grieve, they're asking them to have some empathy, and a lesson in empathy might go a long way for people who are GC.

I'm gender critical. I'm also a widow. I have no issue with trans widows using the term widow. It's describes the situation perfectly. I think it's a shame people like you don't have any empathy for trans widows. Lots of empathy for the trans person. Fuck all for the wives and children who are left behind to deal with the fall out and emotional trauma. Go and bother yourself with something more important than undermining the horrific experience trans widows often go through. Shameful.

@Leahcar65

Thank god someone had the sense to say this. Also there's a marked difference between golf widow and trans widow. Those that refer to themselves as golf widows don't actually consider their partners to be dead.

Obviously if you partner comes out as trans that may well be a shock and you're well within your right to end the relationship, you're allowed to dislike or even hate them because there's no monopoly on emotions. No one will judge you for saying you miss the person they were before, that's allowed. Calling yourself a trans widow, acting as if your ex is dead and comparing yourself to people whose partners have died (and in some instances saying you have it worse) is just so unnecessarily cruel. No on is asking the ex partners of trans people not to grieve, they're asking them to have some empathy, and a lesson in empathy might go a long way for people who are GC.

And you evidently know zero about trans widows lives pre transition. Because if you did you wouldn't have written all this to say just how wrong those women are.
They dont act as if the transitioned one is dead, the transitioned one actually is gone. Deadnaming, birth cert reissued in the correct sex, new name, new clothes, new breasts, possibly but not always neo vagina, all of this and more and the wife is just supposed to shrug and say 'ok then' ?

So the transitioner rewrites an entire lifetime and the one not transitioning has to agree and even be happy and remember a new name after decades of a dead name?

And now transitioners are trying to stop divorces, I actually believe whole heartedly that once a transition is under way a divorce should be granted immediately, no waiting.
Adults dont have to enable other adults to transition, of course no one should stand in their way, but to make someone actively participate in that journey by dint of being married is coercive control.

And you evidently know zero about trans widows lives pre transition. Because if you did you wouldn't have written all this to say just how wrong those women are.
They dont act as if the transitioned one is dead, the transitioned one actually is gone. Deadnaming, birth cert reissued in the correct sex, new name, new clothes, new breasts, possibly but not always neo vagina, all of this and more and the wife is just supposed to shrug and say 'ok then' ?

So the transitioner rewrites an entire lifetime and the one not transitioning has to agree and even be happy and remember a new name after decades of a dead name?

What is becoming clear to me is that certain people don't see women marrying someone as a choice they make because the woman wants happiness and she feels that the person she is marrying provides that happiness because she loves the things about them that make her happy. But that a woman just marries in order to be a support human for a man, come what may.

If a woman marries a man and it turns out that that man is not the person she fell in love with, or that the man changes himself so completely that he is unrecognisable to the person that she married then of course the woman is going to feel a sort of bereavement. And she should be allowed to voice that.

This idea that women should carry on loving or supporting someone who is absolutely not the person they fell in love with/married and that she is not allowed to voice how it makes her feel that her husband is now a completely different person, is just more misogyny.

Women are allowed to be happy too.

And yes, how come the word 'widow' is not allowed to be 'appropriated' but the words 'woman, wife, mother' are totally up for grabs?

The hypocrisy of it all is just astonishing sometimes!

Calling yourself a trans widow, acting as if your ex is dead and comparing yourself to people whose partners have died (and in some instances saying you have it worse) is just so unnecessarily cruel. No on is asking the ex partners of trans people not to grieve, they're asking them to have some empathy, and a lesson in empathy might go a long way for people who are GC.

Interesting. Focusing on the word transwidow, but thing about males calling themselves girl, woman, mother, lesbian, grandmother, Miss and Ma'am, and violently threatening women if they don't accept it.

Such double standards.

*nothing

Crosspost Letsgetreadytocrumble. And yeah, I left out wife! And I believe there is at least one mumsnetter who now has a sister, instead of a brother.

This is what I describe as the phenomenon of Schroedinger's transitioner Letsgetreadytocrumble, they're simultaneously the same person as they always were, yet a completely different person, depending on the circumstances.

No on is asking the ex partners of trans people not to grieve, they're asking them to have some empathy, and a lesson in empathy might go a long way for people who are GC.

This is just so fucking offensive.

This is just so fucking offensive.

Isn't it just.

And actually yes, a lot of people are asking (telling) us not to grieve.

It's typical abuser tactics too. Making it all about them.

Tale as old as time.

So even though the trans person claims the old them is dead and it is literal violence to refer to their actual sex or use the name they were given at birth, it is the wives of these people using the analogy of trans widow to refer to their relationships that are the offensive ones?

Hmm.....

The term transwidow also has widespread use, across continents. It's not surprising that the connections that women make with each other under that banner are being targeted.

If they all suddenly stopped and called themselves something else, they wouldn't be able to support one another or find each other.

Incredible really that Rachel Moss seeks out forums for widows to find support for herself, yet seeks to deny trans widows the opportunity to find peer to peer support for themselves by demanding the removal of their name. Because she doesn't think their experience has a similar value. Not cool.

Few things piss me off more than people trying to manipulate me into feeling something I don't feel. I'm also a widow who doesn't mind the term transwidow.

I think the author of the piece in the OP will find that stirring up an angry mob against transwidows might feel good momentarily but it won't bring her the relief she's seeking.

Prawn what a lovely post about your husband. ❤️

What is becoming clear to me is that certain people don't see women marrying someone as a choice they make becausethe womanwants happiness and she feels that the person she is marrying provides that happiness because she loves the things about them that make her happy. But that a woman just marries in order to be a support human for a man, come what may

And over and over we see this same narrative played out, women are the worlds mother, support human, child rearer/wrangler, caregiver, etc. If anyone needs comforting well a woman will step up, never mind their lives, their needs, their wants.

If they all suddenly stopped and called themselves something else, they wouldn't be able to support one another or find each other

Yes.

Tinsel sorry you have been getting abuse. I follow the trans widows thread but don't post as I am not one. You have achieved a remarkable thing and built a community with the regulars on that board. My hat goes off to all of you. 💐

No on is asking the ex partners of trans people not to grieve, they're asking them to have some empathy, and a lesson in empathy might go a long way for people who are GC.

I am still reeling from the hypocrisy of this statement.

Written on a feminist board.

Where we centre females.

And we fight against abuse of those females, whatever age.

Where we are told that not only 'GC' (those naughty women) people should have empathy for trans people (missing the point that many regulars on this board actually have trans people in their everyday lives and have plenty of empathy for them). But, that the families of transitioners deserve no empathy for the predicament they are in through NO decision of their own.

The families of transitioners should instead ignore their own pain and, in too many instances abuse, to show empathy for those who have harmed them.

Nice one.

Good to see where your priorities lie, and it is obviously not with women and children.

Or at least those women who have never had a penis.

Tinsel

More power to you.

@Thelnebriati

Oh, damn There really is no support for trans widows, it was bad enough trying to find others before we had a name.

There is much support for you - I and many other women on this board are genuinely behind you. We understand you have been through/going through something intensely difficult and that you are the undervalued voices in this. We know your voices need to be elevated and listened to and we take no issue whatsoever with what you choose to call yourselves. I just wanted you to know that - to know how much some of us do care about you and other family members experiencing this.

Echoing the acknowledements of excellent posts by Prawn and ByGrabTharsHammer (I hope I got that right!) and also extending some love to other people who have lost their partners on this thread including those objecting to the term transwidows. I don't agree with you but I am sorry for your loss.

The transwidows threads on here really opened my eyes, they made me cry and admire the strength of the women posting so for me Tinsel and Inebriati can call themselves what they wish too and I will support them all the way. I abhor the abuse you have been getting recently but I know it is because you are a very sore point in all this - a little exposure of some chinks in all the positive stories which ignore the families.

This thread like the comments which have come before (previous threads and posts in the transwidow threads themselves) are in worse taste than alternative uses of the word 'widow; they are deliberately targeting women who have already been through enough and are trying to fight back.