@socialworker222
I "sort of" have support.
Like, many of the other posters, my h works in IT and we moved abroad 4 years ago for his career. To be fair, in his country of origin (where I spent most of my adult life), there aren't a lot of jobs for people with his level of education. Before we moved, he was still a student, I was the breadwinner and our relationship was much more equitable.
Luckily, I've been able to maintain my business (working remotely and travelling a few times a year). But, with exchange rates, while I do very well where I work, where we live now I am more dependent on him financially, socially and linguistically. It hasn't been easily balancing raising toddler without a support network and running a business (I work 7pm to 1am), and until his last 6-9months of revelations, our biggest source of arguments has been my feeling that he was increasingly trying to push me away from my job and into a traditional/subservient housewife/travelling spouse role.
My entire self-definition and social circle where we are in conditioned around our relationship. I've made it clear that I have zero interest in staying as a wife of a woman or an ex-wife as he explores his needs. Leaving, I have savings and conditions to buy a house (with a mortgage), afford a top notch education for my kids and hire domestic help to handle single mother hood.
But, he is a really good DAD ("dad" being different that "mom"). And it pains me to break that relationship and put an ocean between them.
It's become increasingly clear how his childhood was marred with neglect, verbal, emotional and religious abuse. His mom has NPD and is incredibly vain (she is the stereotype that AGP men seek to approximate exaggeratedly thin and meak, ingored her children and only cared about fashion and beauty, been divorced for 20 years and refuses to admit it has never worked and lives off money she demands from her husband and sons). The family line is always that the poor mom "can't control her behavior you know women".... Dad just started working away for longer and longer periods, until he eventually was fully moved out rather than confront mom. And there is a lot of sick religious based manipulation in terms of "being a good son" and gender expectations.
I think it's hard for him to break that stereotype and be a caring father, without accepting/confronting the abuse and problems in his family that I think much of this stems from. I do hope that therapy can help him come to terms with that and overcome his addiction and confusion.
I'm expecting a second child in September. The plan is to buy an apartment and move in March, where my work and support network is. That will give me more stability and economic power in case things go sideways. He is "looking for remote work" so he can join us. I feel a lot of the socialized female guilt of "forcing" him to give up a good career (though he never thought twice of making such requests of me). The "possibly trans" thing is pretty fresh (2 weeks), but I'm slowly preparing myself for this to be the end of the marriage (part of me screams that this move being his idea is a way for him to dump us, live a secret life in the country we are now, and play me as the bad guy who stole his kids cuz she "wasn't happy with living in country X").
My biggest fear is that he turns into his bother and tries to fill my kids' heads with that mysoginistic nonsense.
Hoping for the best, but slowly and painfully prepping for the worst.