If you are a mother, did you feel potentially feel more inclined to donate to this before you had children?

[RickiTarr]

I’m just watching the BBC documentary series about surrogacy and thinking how my attitude to gametes and generic inheritance has changed since becoming a mother.

The first “traditional” or “straight” surrogate interviewed in this programme seems very blasé about her relationship with her own eggs. It’s just made me wonder.

Sorry I always make a hash of king thread titles because half of them disappear from view. The question is supposed to be;

”If you are a mother, did you feel potentially feel more inclined to donate eggs before you had children, or otherwise less ‘attached’ to your eggs before becoming a mum?”

No. I felt more inclined after children as I knew what pregnancy was all about, knew I could cope with it, and knew I didn't want any more children!

Haven't gone through with it though.

One of the potential gay dads (another case) has just said that his (future) child “needs to be genetically related to me” and that’s why he’s ultimately r heated adoption & fostering. Which is interesting because he is using both egg donor and “gestational surrogate”.

This is going to be tonnes of food for thought.

I’ve always been very attached to my eggs and wouldn’t ever have donated them. But I’m even more pro abortion since becoming a mum. I was always pro choice but I’m now extremely pro choice.

Yes I was less attached, if it were easy/friend needed some eggs I’d have definitely donated some. Since having DD, I wouldn’t as I’d see my ‘eggs’ as my child. I know they need to be fertilised etc, but I don’t think I could get it out of my head!

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’ve always been very attached to my eggs and wouldn’t ever have donated them. But I’m even more pro abortion since becoming a mum. I was always pro choice but I’m now extremely pro choice.

Me exactly

@Buckingafout

No. I felt more inclined after children as I knew what pregnancy was all about, knew I could cope with it, and knew I didn't want any more children!

Haven't gone through with it though.

Interesting how we all differ.

I distinctly remember thinking my eggs were just spare parts I didn’t need pre-parenthood. I looked into donating but there were some unanswerable suspicions about Aspergers in the family, so I left it.

Also striking how many of these surrogates are single parents. So finance probably figures, too.

It’s clearly a mixture of though processes, TBF.

@Suzi888

Yes I was less attached, if it were easy/friend needed some eggs I’d have definitely donated some. Since having DD, I wouldn’t as I’d see my ‘eggs’ as my child. I know they need to be fertilised etc, but I don’t think I could get it out of my head!

Yes, that me too.

I've become less opposed to the idea, but I wouldn't put my body through the process.

100%. I offered repeatedly to surrogate before I had dc. I looked into being paid to take my eggs. I had no attachment. Was confident I could surrogate as I knew it would be "theirs".

Then I had a baby. Or rather, a pregnancy. Pregnancy is not advertised as anything more than incubation with a bit of vomiting. I didn't know nor did I expect to get to know the baby. Their waking and sleeping times. When they get hiccups. How you, as a woman change and never can go back. The nature of feeding, of growing a child. It's almost a secret. No one told me.

Since becoming a mother I have become anti surrogacy. One because I think it is harmful for the surrogate mother because pregnancy and birth while normal are still risky and impact women's bodies and two I do not believe it is in the best interest of the children who are born to surrogacy.

Not exactly more attached to my eggs, but more aware of how having a biological child who I couldn't look after would affect me.
Before either of us even tried to get pregnant my best friend and I had discussed this and both said that if either of us had trouble conceiving and the other could help then we would. All very naive of course - we hadn't thought it through at all.
But then it actually happened. I got pregnant very quickly and she didn't. We had a 6 month old baby and her husband were about to start infertility investigations. She asked me if it was her eggs that were the problem would I still donate and the request floored me. I said I'd think about it but that I wasn't sure I could. Fortunately it wasn't and it never came to it, because I knew I couldn't have seen a baby that was biologically mine being brought up by them. And it would just have been too weird for there to be a child that was mine and her husband's. I think it would have torn our friendship apart and been tertible for the child.
Maybe donating to an anonymous couple would be different but I still think it would have haunted me to know that there was a child somewhere out there that was biologically mine. Before I knew what being a mother was like I don't think it would have bothered me, but once I did, no way.

Having done pregnancy to have my own children I definitely wouldn’t do it again for anyone else. I’ve seen friends go through ivf too and wouldn’t do that to my body for someone else. But if I had “spare” eggs already harvested then yes, I would donate them.
My children are their own people despite having half my dna. And I know two families with adopted children and they are very much their adopted family’s children. So I guess I don’t think Dan matters all that much actually.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’ve always been very attached to my eggs and wouldn’t ever have donated them. But I’m even more pro abortion since becoming a mum. I was always pro choice but I’m now extremely pro choice.

This.

Actually the young women who is doing straight surrogacy for the gay couple isn’t childless as I first assumed (she looks young). She has a toddler but felt she had no reason to live until she became their surrogate. Now she says she has a purpose(!)

So more layers than in my thread title, but so complicated and quite upsetting. She need help back into her career - low cost childcare - not the “opportunity” to grow and birth a child for someone else in her my early twenties.

@MrsAvocet

Not exactly more attached to my eggs, but more aware of how having a biological child who I couldn't look after would affect me. Before either of us even tried to get pregnant my best friend and I had discussed this and both said that if either of us had trouble conceiving and the other could help then we would. All very naive of course - we hadn't thought it through at all. But then it actually happened. I got pregnant very quickly and she didn't. We had a 6 month old baby and her husband were about to start infertility investigations. She asked me if it was her eggs that were the problem would I still donate and the request floored me. I said I'd think about it but that I wasn't sure I could. Fortunately it wasn't and it never came to it, because I knew I couldn't have seen a baby that was biologically mine being brought up by them. And it would just have been too weird for there to be a child that was mine and her husband's. I think it would have torn our friendship apart and been tertible for the child. Maybe donating to an anonymous couple would be different but I still think it would have haunted me to know that there was a child somewhere out there that was biologically mine. Before I knew what being a mother was like I don't think it would have bothered me, but once I did, no way.

That’s such a good illustration. We are all naive until we aren’t, aren’t we?

Before I had kids, I had vague ideas that altruistic surrogacy for my sister would be ok, but I never considered egg donation. I was worried about resulting child/ren ending up in a poor family situation I could do nothing about. (Not a slam on families who used egg donation - more just the loss of control over conditions for a biological child).

All having kids did was make me more unsure in even altruistic surrogacy.

Completely separately from the surrogacy debate I’m amazed how blaze I am post children. I had a horrendous hallucination when and 5 months post birth where I was told there was a mix up in the hospital and they were swapping the babies back. I didn’t want “my” child and had no interest. Also holding my sisters children I’ve been amazed at how much I love them (as much as my own children). I feel like I could donate eggs and not feel they are mine.

I would love to be a surrogate, but I'm too old now, and my own pregnancies took a toll. As I was told prior to my 3 babies in 4.5 years that I would struggle to conceive (haha), I never thought about it before motherhood. I donate blood, organs when I die, bone marrow, so why not eggs really. It's the potential risks of pregnancy that are the worry for me.

Egg donation - I have a genetic condition that immediately rules me out of egg donation so it has always been a moot point. I did once think "it is just an egg" and so doesn't matter and tbh I can't think more than that because it makes my head hurt when I try and think that it is more than just an egg.

Surrogacy - I am quite ambivalent to being pregnant (never an amazing time of growth and personal development for me) and really liked the actual giving birth part, so I could probably do the pregnancy bit.

Surrogacy as a whole I am fairly conflicted on and not sure how I feel overall.

Surrogacy as a whole I am fairly conflicted on and not sure how I feel overall.

Yes, so am I.

I decided to watch this series to really try to challenge and teat my feelings, but I’ve mostly just got sidetracked cakes with the straight surrogate or donor egg thing.

So many strands to this.

I friend of mine “adopted” embryos that would otherwise have been destroyed. That feels different again.

I think another part of this is I’m really experiencing that 40+ cliche of feeling the importance of genealogy etc much more strongly and seeing family patterns across multiple generations.

I’ll watch the rest tomorrow.

Thinking about it some more, looking back, besides my own nuclear family and my husband, my friend and her husband were the people who I cared about most in the world. We were very close and the 2 couples spent a lot of time together. So why on earth wouldn't I do whatever I could to help some of the people who were most dear to me - after all, I had many thousands of eggs I wouldn't be wanting.
But I had absolutely no clue about what it feels like to have a child. It didn't even cross my mind that I would see the baby as mine or that that could be a problem to any of us. And of course the issue was that by the time my friend was seriously asking I had reached that realisation but she hadn't. (They did have their own children eventually by the way and we never spoke of it again - thankfully.)

Too many typos. Must be bedtime.

And of course the issue was that by the time my friend was seriously asking I had reached that realisation but she hadn't

Exactly. Most IPs are childless. So they can’t know what they’re asking.

I always thought how selfless it was for someone to offer to do that for someone else but knew that I could never do it, it was only when I started to read more about it on here that I started to think more about it being more of a “business” and there’s always someone exploiting someone else where money is concerned.
I wouldn’t do the carrying for someone else (unless maybe my daughter/sister) and I don’t think I would donate my eggs either, I wouldn’t fancy them being “harvested” and I find all these blood related strangers a bit perturbing. I watched some of a film/docudrama (?) about a man who donated sperm and his offspring who wanted to find him (but he went to them incognito or something?), then they changed the rules about the anonymity or comeback of sperm donation. He was the biological father of quite a lot and more kept being discovered!