17 year old daughter has asked for full sex change.

[LipstickLou]

DD has had lots of issues at school after an attack aged 13. Last week she tried to hurt herself claiming if I didn't support full gender reassignment she would kill herself. She has worn male clothes for 3 years and called herself by various different boy names among her friends. We now have CAMHS involvement. Last year she told me she was a girl and liked boys. I now find her boyfriend is bi sexual with a preference for boys. Her close friends are all LGBTQ. I feel she is being pressurised by these people to have operations that are irreversible. She is the youngest of the group and no longer goes to college. She has followed various YouTubers including 'Miles'. These friends are constantly in the background talking to her at 2am in the morning. I am sick with worry that she will raise the money and go abroad behind my back. I am also heartbroken. She was the queen of pink. She hit puberty at 11 and is quite top heavy which she hates. I am at my wits end. And before I am trolled my best friend is gay and I have employed a number of transgender people. Has anyone received any help for a teen such as mine DD? I really don't think she is thinking about the consequences and her father agrees.

But beware of Italian men pinching her bottom and leering at her. Could confirm rather quickly that she wants to opt out of womanhood

You say you have never met the bf. do you think he exists or only online?

@Thecatonthemat

You say you have never met the bf. do you think he exists or only online?

I have researched him online but weird we have never met him. Her friends refer to him.

@PopperUppleton

But beware of Italian men pinching her bottom and leering at her. Could confirm rather quickly that she wants to opt out of womanhood

Been leered at since 9.Very pretty child. I am not sure she likes being looked at. Baggy clothes after 14. has recently lost loads of weight. Looks stunning.

There is so much to unpack here, where to even start.

Your child has been assaulted and doesn't trust anyone in her family enough to open up to about it. Why is that?
(Her brother disbelieving her and her aunt calling her names will be part of it, but who else has played a role?)

Taking her on holiday to a part of the world where men routinely sexually harass women will not help. Animals, wilderness, somewhere with no harassment - that sounds a lot likelier to help. I also don't know why you mention how pretty she still is, is that important to you? Are you upset that she might 'ruin her looks'? I hope she doesn't think that's all she has to offer the world.

She sounds so desperate. I think going mute, threatening suicide, planning on cutting off her breasts (that you admit are large and cause her distress - why not suggest ways for her to minimise how they look?) these are all desperate ways of communicating the huge psychological pain she is in.

When PP suggest cutting down internet time, you counter with she's a hacker. Do you see how not making the attempt could be interpreted by her as you simply not caring? Being passive isn't showing her you care.

Who put her brother on a pedestal? Who made her think she was so worthless as a girl that she would be better off dead or cut into the shape of a man? OP you need to root out the causes here and they are surrounding her as much as inside her.

Your poor girl, I can really empathise with how she is struggling. I really hope you can get through to her how important and loved she is, just as she is.

Bleurgh men have a lot to answer for. Even I as a gallumphing great girl got bipped at (I did have fabulous tits which I hated - oh that they were as perky and perfect now)

LipstickLou
Your last post contains quite a lot of identifying information - you might want to think about getting it pulled by MNHQ?

Remember, you don't have to justify / explain yourself to any of us. We can only go by what you say and while most will try not to be judgemental, not everyone will be the same. Hopefully you've already have some ideas going forward. It's so difficult when our children are sad / vulnerable, let alone when they get caught up in something with such life long implications.

@persistentwoman

LipstickLou Your last post contains quite a lot of identifying information - you might want to think about getting it pulled by MNHQ?

Remember, you don't have to justify / explain yourself to any of us. We can only go by what you say and while most will try not to be judgemental, not everyone will be the same. Hopefully you've already have some ideas going forward. It's so difficult when our children are sad / vulnerable, let alone when they get caught up in something with such life long implications.

Thanks for the advice. I am now worried that this will be shared elsewhere.

It sounds like she does need time and lots of positive attention around other things than looks and achievements. Have you room/time/money in your life to help get her into some kind of art? That can be very therapeutic.

Your poor daughter, always an afterthought. Always coming second.

Sorry for the loss of your son

You can report your post and ask to have it removed, OP.

I want her to be happy. She says she isn't and she doesn't know why.

Lou Do have a listen to the podcast with Stella O' Malley. There's lots in there which appears to be potentially useful for your daughter and those who love her.
gender-a-wider-lens.captivate.fm/episode/14-the-real-ways-to-manage-gender-dysphoria

OP - you can ask MNHQ to pull the post or your thread, I've reported your post to them so if you do the same they can help.

@PopperUppleton

Your poor daughter, always an afterthought. Always coming second.

Sorry for the loss of your son

I do think that's how she sees it.

@persistentwoman

OP - you can ask MNHQ to pull the post or your thread, I've reported your post to them so if you do the same they can help.

I have asked on that bit.

@WallaceinAnderland

It sounds like she does need time and lots of positive attention around other things than looks and achievements. Have you room/time/money in your life to help get her into some kind of art? That can be very therapeutic.

She is a wonderful artist who has sold items on various platforms (hence why is hard to keep her off the computer).

She can ride too. She has a little dog that is a great help to her.

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000s2jx
Hope this link works
Dr David Bell on Woman's Hour in February.
Really nails it on the subject of how easy it is for young people to be confused about the reasons for transitioning and the responsibility we, as parents , therapists and medical professionals have to minimise a possibly misguided life -changing and irreversible procedure

I was going to ask about a pet OP. Lovely that she has a little dog and wonderful that she is already an artist. Could she branch out into something different, to give her something new to focus on. Pottery, or something for example?

My heart bleeds for your daughter, and for you.
This sadly is so common in 2021.
I have sadly been aware of a few young women feeling the same. And they have found an option of "transitioning to become male".

You heart wants to help her. Yes, you can, please help her to understand that she can live a wonderful, fertile and healthy life without cross sex hormones and mutilating surgery.

A path that would not provide her with the fantasy that she has believed is possible.

I have helped a few parents to safeguard their daughters.

I am intersex, and sadly too aware of the health implications this route can bring.

Infertility
Shorter life expectancy
Heart issues (Testosterone)
Early menopause,
Endometriosis (from testosterone)
Bone density issues
Kidney problems

She will led the life I have had, but by choice.... I can show her the reality.

The best method is to discuss her concerns about life, - could be body issues, sexuality issues.. so many... acknowledge those isssues, many just hate puberty and "being female" .. she can live a healthy life without facing those issues. taking testosterone will not solve.

Do all you can to delay the time she starts taking testosterone, even if she is binding her breasts. PLEASE delay and seek help, she will regret, and you can step in now.

You can DM me anytime, and I can help, and know other mothers I have helped and we can ALL help.

@LipstickLou

I’m so sorry to hear that. Having read your updates she sounds utterly broken and completely distraught by how her life has panned out thus far.

I apologise for my ignorance but is there any way of getting her to open up about her history and her emotions? Perhaps sharing her journey may prove to be cathartic in the long run.

It sounds as though she has a very difficult relationship with men and hopes to emulate them in her own body, which whilst utterly heartbreaking, is completely understandable.

Without being dramatic I would seriously question if you could move away and take her with you and have a completely fresh start. You say she is a gifted artist, is she good enough to get into an art school/art college or take up an apprenticeship somewhere? Or at least apply. That may perhaps begin to rebuild some of her shattered confidence and self image? I would even go as far to say could you emigrate for a little while? Not ideal I know but from what you say her gender seems to be a very small part of a far greater problem.

All I can say is in this poor girl’s life she has a wonderful mother. She needs to be removed from her friends and her boyfriend.

Can you speak to a doctor/counsellor about her and outline everything you have said here and see what they advise?

@Hibari personal attacks are rude, hurtful and not allowed here. Reported.

I don't think emigration is the answer, you can't run away from your demons and the internet is worldwide. But I do think that engaging in some healthy, outdoor or creative activities could help to build a better bond. Is there any art therapy in your area OP as she might enjoy that and wouldn't particularly have to talk about her experiences. I think this is going to be a long, slow process but time is on your side, a lot could change over the next couple of years.

Alex2112 I just wanted to say that I had never thought of things that way and your perspective really hit home.

Not that this issue is in any way the responsibility of intersex people to solve but I wonder if an honest discussion of those sorts of issues by people who have experienced them but - as you say - not through choice would have an impact on young people considering taking hormones.

I'm not suggesting that trans people who have taken hormones secretly consider it to be the wrong decision and are trying to trick others(!) but I do wonder if there might be a natural human tendency to play up the positives and play down the negatives of a situation where you've made the decision yourself, and I expect it would be very interesting to hear from an intersex person on the basis that they might be free of that particular bias.

Thanks for posting - you really got me thinking!