Daughter (10) says she wants to be a boy

[Gooseygoosey12345]

My dd has spoken to her dad, who she asked to speak to me, about that fact that she feels like she's a boy and has done for some time. I can't express how I feel about this. I'm so confused and she's back this afternoon so I need to get my head on straight.

As a feminist this is really difficult for me to organise in my mind (if that makes sense). I've always held the view that gender is a social construct, we don't live by stereotypes and women's rights are a huge theme in our house. I don't believe you can change your gender.

However, she's my daughter, who I've raised to believe that her body is her own and the decisions that she makes for her body are hers (age appropriately).

I want to believe that this is a phase by I also understand that this language can be damaging. Understanding trans psychology is part of my training but putting that into practice when it's your own child is easier said than done, and there's 2 sides to that coin as well!

What do I do? At this point I feel she's far too young to actively do anything about it. She's mature for her age but she is still only 10 and I don't believe she understands the implications of what she's saying fully. She's asked to change her name which I'm not comfortable with yet, but then again, this isn't about me.

Any advice or experience would be gratefully received!

I'm sure someone will be along in a sec. until they do these people might have some good advice:

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

If this were me, I'd approach it by asking her why she feels this way and if she wants to make some adjustments, to agree which are ok and which are not. I'd be ok with hair, clothes, we can talk about the name, but no to anything like binding.
As you'll be aware, it's not possible for a child to be prescribed puberty blockers now, so at least you can put that to one side. There are no advantages for girls in taking them anyway.
Keep talking, keep her physically grounded in positive ways to help her self esteem and body confidence in other ways. Reassure her of your love and support and don't trivialise her feelings but also let her understand that self knowledge is a journey, not a destination. If that makes sense.

Yes many of us might like to be boys sometimes when we think and are told that they have more fun/ power/ protections / money/ status, but we know that nobody can change their sex. I will support you in being the kind of girl and woman who can do all the things that you would like to do but you are valued as the girl you are. If someone is saying or doing something that makes you feel bad about Yourself as a girl, you can share it with me.

Like Beamur, I think if one of my children came out with this, the first thing I would ask is why? What makes you feel this way?

Is she in the early stages of puberty perhaps and therefore feeling a bit at odds with her body?

I see "why? What makes you feel this way?" as part of clarifying what "becoming a boy" will mean, the reality being appearance, name, and pronouns, and then asking what differences they expect this will make to their life.

Thank you all! Yep, just started periods which I think has played a huge part. And also agree that I'm fine with cutting hair (which she didn't want to do last week), clothes etc. Really not keen on anything long term like name until she understand the implications, happy to change pronouns if she really wants as that also doesn't need to be long term if she discovers it's not what she wants. Binding and puberty blockers were out of the questions because, as you say, they have no benefit and do more harm than good.

I'll definitely start with the "why" questions. I want her to be able to have an open dialogue and ask the questions she needs to, I'm not sure if she knows what they are yet. I just want her to feel happy and supported. It's so hard to know if you're getting it right.

What does she think a boy is that means she can become one? What can a female boy do that a female girl can't? Lot's of listening. It's important to address misconceptions too.

Speaking as a woman who called herself David as a child

Rather than question why, just take every opportunity to show unconditional love, to support her in any thing she does even if it seems strange for a girl. Find ways to make sure she knows about great women and how they have been mistreated

Some things that I remember so clearly are when helping my dad with some car maintenance, when my small girls hand would fit where his wouldn't . First time I had ever been proud to be female

When he was ranting about Rosalind Franklin , Helen Sharman

When he would point out , and so make explicit, everyday sexism

I love rock climbing community as it's a community that respects the physical differences between male and female climbers and dies not treat the female strengths of balance and flexibility as lesser to the male upper body strength and reach

I have no evidence to support his claim that mrs faraday was a great experimental scientist , without whom Michael faraday would not have succeeded

Some good responses here OP. The one thing I'd add is not to let this define her. Make sure that she doesn't spend too much online, monitor her internet usage to make sure she's not caught up with any of the dodgy sites / organisations and as others have suggested - listen to her, reassure her and (given the restrictions of lock down) try to make sure she's spending as much time as possible on hobbies, family activities, mum / daughter time etc.
She's very young and puberty is such a shock to girls.

I would ask why, in case it's being prompted by something that has happened that has made her uncomfortable - and has translated that as meaning she isn't feeling 'like a girl' should.
My DD is a few years older and we've been talking lots about everything recently and she's old enough now to reflect back on some things that she thought when younger, that were simply her not wholly understanding something. At the time I had assumed she understood to a greater degree than she had. I guess what I am trying to say, is children sometimes seem to understand more than they have simply because they didn't yet have that wider perspective and knowledge to see the limits. That comes with time.

Active listening is a wonderful way of helping a child feel safe, supported and heard. Agree with posters above, reassure your daughter, spend extra time with her, allow space and time for her to discuss things, ask questions, etc.

Also, I would monitor and manage her internet usage. I would advise this for any child of that age, tbh! But there is so much disinformation and nonsense on the internet, and children's critical thinking skills are so nascent, I would be especially careful about what they are exposed to.

Forgive me OP but I wondered if you might be separated from her father? No judgement on whether you are or you aren't but I wondered if you lived together? Maybe she just asked him to tell you for some other reason, I agree with Midge and wouldn't ask why, just let her know you can talk if she wants. Having just started her periods aged 10 that's a likely trigger for this I imagine. That's so awful for her, 10 is so very young to be faced with having to deal with period for so many years. Asking why might make her have to justify it and explain it and it could lead to you being under pressure to take action otherwise you are 'unsupportive'.

I'm sure I don't need to tell you anything about socially transitioning a child of that age and what harm it can do. Once you have got more from her about what's behind it you can decide what, if anything you need to do or tell the school. I'm wording this badly but I just hope the school don't go full on with her at school at the mere whiff of her feeling differently about her body now, even a hair cut would raise eyebrows from some woke teachers.

A friend had something similar with her youngest at a similar age. She had very long hair and had it cut very short but there was no name or pronouns change and at every question the mother was asked she just said it made the daughter more comfortable. I think even a pronoun or name change would have been disastrous but she was as a Stonewall champion school at the time.

@Gooseygoosey12345 already some great answers here OP 😊 I think it’s also worth remembering...DD has felt confident enough to voice this to her parents so clearly she feels able to talk to you! Lots of children go through things...whether “phases” or something more...and bottle everything up. Make sure you keep the conversation open for her 😊

You say you’re not comfortable with a name change at the moment. If DD says that’s what she would like is there a “less feminine” nickname that could be taken from her current name that you could suggest to her? That might make exploring any possible changes easier for both of you?

10 is so very young to be faced with having to deal with period for so many years

Is 10 not the average age for period onset, now? I know it's come down in recent years.

As another woman who went through this (was known as Tom for about 2 years) I would second showing unconditional love and showing you are there for her without placing too much pressure on providing explanations. I think talking when it feels right, but backing off if things become heated is probably a reasonable balance. I had short hair, boys clothes and remember getting a real kick out of someone thinking I was a boy. My mum never said much about it and over time the desire passed. Knowing there were no particular battles with my parents about it meant I could gradually grow my hair or change clothes without lots of pressure or uncomfortable conversations.

When I reflect on that time, I now know it came from a place of really low self esteem. By removing myself from the 'girl group' I was probably trying to prevent comparisons between me and other girls as I had an overwhelming feeling that they were all somehow different and superior to me. I don't think I spent much time actually considering the benefits of being a boy and I certainly never thought ahead to growing up as a man and being like my dad. I realise everyone has their own experiences but for me it really had very little to do with actually thinking I identified with other boys.

I'm another one for asking her 'why?'. What is it about being female that might be scaring her? Has someone been making comments about her body, or interests or activities that she is not 'allowed' to do, being a girl? Is it the apparent social freedom males have that she's envying? Is it the behavioural expectations social media is feeding her? If so, ask her why she feels she needs to change herself, rather than wanting to change society into something less misogynistic. So many YA books and film franchises are about apparently powerless figures rebelling and fighting against huge bad forces - the answer to patriarchal power is to be a freedom fighter like Rey or Frodo, not join the Stormtroopers.

Sorry yes, should have specified. Her father and I split when she was very young but we've maintained a great relationship since.
The internet usage is always supervised, limited time and parental controls blocking inappropriate content.
Also very lucky with the school that they're open about things like this but not "encouraging" (couldn't think of a better way to say what I mean). They just let them be and teach them to respect each other.
Happy for a less feminine nickname, I just don't want her to make any permanent decisions yet.
I think she hasn't spent any time thinking she identifies with other boys, she doesn't have any friends who are boys, but her friends are quite "girly" which maybe she feels at odds with.

You've all given some absolutely excellent advice. I definitely don't want it to become a battle or for her to feel she's at odds with us. She mentioned that she liked girls and potentially she might be conflating that with being male as she doesn't have any gay role models. I definitely want her to be supported mentally and to be happy, that's the most important thing but I just don't want her to think that now she's said it that she can't go back on it if she decides.

You seem really level-headed about this and it sounds like you've got a fantastic relationship with your daughter. Yes, I probably should have mentioned in my previous post, I was becoming aware of having feelings towards girls which was so at odds with the discussions girls were having about which boy they fancied. This did increase that feeling of 'otherness' between me and other girls. Knowing strong lesbian and bisexual role models would no doubt have helped me at that time.

I'm trying to think of some age appropriate films you could watch together.

Personally, love coming of age films in which young girls ( or boys) struggle as they come up against the demands of society and their own developing sense of themselves. However, my favourites are mostly unsuitable for that age group.

There is a great New Zealand film called Whale Rider - about a young girl, who is of a similar age to your daughter, who comes up against the male inheritance tradition in Maori culture.

It's ultimately a very up-lifting and rewarding film. Perhaps you could check it out and see if you think it may be suitable for her?

Another one I love is Corpo Celeste. An Italian film, set in Calabria, and featuring a young girl - aged 12 - who struggles with the expectations put on her in a traditional catholic community. There is a great scene where she roughly cuts off her own long hair, in an act at once of penitence, but also, ultimately, of liberation

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whale_Rider

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heavenly_Body_(film)

www.theguardian.com/film/2012/jan/10/corpo-celeste-alice-rohrwacher-review

I would try and find out what she means by that. Id also monitor the sites shes going on the internet.
I think at that age I made sure my daughter was aware that there were loads of types of women and personality types. Id talk about how annoying it is that girls are expected to be feminine and boys are expected to be masculine and how it just restricts people from expressing their true personality, because she can be as masculine as she likes and wear any clothes she likes and do anything that is supposed to be for boys, but doesnt mean she isnt a girl

Definitely recommend watching TV shows with strong lesbian or bisexual characters.

That's a lovely post OP. It sounds as if you'll 'hold' her well through this.

Watchful waiting...

I bet she hates having her periods. I can’t imagine being 10 and having to deal with that...