Daughter (10) says she wants to be a boy

[Gooseygoosey12345]

My dd has spoken to her dad, who she asked to speak to me, about that fact that she feels like she's a boy and has done for some time. I can't express how I feel about this. I'm so confused and she's back this afternoon so I need to get my head on straight.

As a feminist this is really difficult for me to organise in my mind (if that makes sense). I've always held the view that gender is a social construct, we don't live by stereotypes and women's rights are a huge theme in our house. I don't believe you can change your gender.

However, she's my daughter, who I've raised to believe that her body is her own and the decisions that she makes for her body are hers (age appropriately).

I want to believe that this is a phase by I also understand that this language can be damaging. Understanding trans psychology is part of my training but putting that into practice when it's your own child is easier said than done, and there's 2 sides to that coin as well!

What do I do? At this point I feel she's far too young to actively do anything about it. She's mature for her age but she is still only 10 and I don't believe she understands the implications of what she's saying fully. She's asked to change her name which I'm not comfortable with yet, but then again, this isn't about me.

Any advice or experience would be gratefully received!

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tomboy_(2011_film): This time a french film called 'Tom Boy'

Tomboy is a 2011 French drama film written and directed by Céline Sciamma. The story follows a 10-year-old gender non-conforming child, Laure, who moves to a new neighbourhood during the summer holiday and experiments with their gender presentation, adopting the name Mickaël.

Tomboy was released on DVD-Video and Blu-ray in the United Kingdom on 5 March 2012, and in the United States on 5 June 2012.

@ArabellaScott

10 is so very young to be faced with having to deal with period for so many years

Is 10 not the average age for period onset, now? I know it's come down in recent years.

Average age at onset of menarche is still at almost 13 years. It hasn't really come down in the last 50 years, although it's much discussed. (There was a decrease by about a year between the late 19th and mid-20th century from 14+ at onset of menarche to 13, but any decrease since the 1950s has been small.)

The age range for the onset of menarche in the UK is 10 to 15, so 10 is a little early, but still normal.

@Whatstheweatherlike ah thank you! I don't feel level headed at all at the moment but I do generally tend to be logical so that's probably helping! I really want her to have all types of role model but it's very "traditional" where we live, it would do us all good to expand our social group but I don't really know how to go about it.

@CharlieParley, I know but periods are not nice so much better to be on the other end of the spectrum. I’d see a dr and get those stopped for a few years.

Thank you for the film recommendations! It can only help.
I'm really quite strict with internet access but I think I'll have to take another look. I want them to be able to access information but it needs to be unbiased and factual. She's definitely aware of all types of women. I really don't fit the stereotypical feminine role but my sister does and my mum is somewhere in between. I've explained to her that she can do what she wants, behave how she wants, it's not restricted by gender. I hope that helps her.

@persistentwoman thank you, that is honestly so encouraging for me

I would tell her that she cannot change her sex. Talk about xx chromosomes and the physical body. And that her body is not always going to be the same so she might feel differently during other stages in her life. Tell her that as a girl she has an advantage over boys in that she doesn't have to conform with gender stereotypes in the same way boys do. She can wear plain jean and t-shirt / hoodie / trainer in neutral colours. She can wear her hair short and do any sport she likes.

In my honest view unless there is a proper gender dysphoria situation which is very, very rare she is most likely to grow out of it.

I think the whole frilly, hyper sexualized way of styling up that is common among some a teen girl especially on social media must be most off putting for any smart and sensitive girl.

Explore what her interests are and look for new clubs and activities that make her feel like she fits in. I'd worry that she has been exposed to trans pr online. She probably doesn't fit in with her peers and is looking for explanations for this. The most likely explanation: she is either very smart and generally a bit non conforming, or possibly on the autistic spectrum.

@fallfallfall she's not made a huge deal of it, again it's been pretty normalised in our household but you're probably right. I'm 30 and don't like having them! I don't want to mess with her hormones though. The side effects just aren't worth it. I'd rather her know it's a normal part of life and help her deal with it

She doesn't know what it means to feel like a boy. She means she feels like she prefers stereotypical boy things...

Lots of listening, acceptance and 'Come back to me or dad if there are things that are not working out for you, we can work things out together' and then refocus on to things around personal identity (what skills does she want to enjoy developing, what hobby groups does she want to be part of, what responsibilities is she ready for at home, what's great about her, how can she treat her body well and use it well as it changes).

One of my DDs was a "boy" for about a year at the same age. We just let it wash past us and did not make an issue of it. She called herself Ben. It passed.

Mind you the year before she had been a dog!

I think it is important to accept it and show her tons of love, but not probe too much or make a big deal of it. It will come clear over time whether this is something that is likely to lead to something more permanent. But just now she is a child, and she is experimenting with who she is. Lots of girls quite fancy being a boy when their periods start - and who can blame them?

@MexicanStreet see I'm wary of going down that route straight away. While that is entirely my opinion (and biological fact) I don't want her to be in the mindset that she's stuck and feel desperate at any point.
I have a feeling she probably will grow out of it, I think she's had a lot of change with hormones recently, plus she hasn't been able to properly connect with her friends, it must be having an impact.
I couldn't agree more with you about the whole frilly thing. She's very forward and mature and I remember not identifying with all the hyper sexual stuff at her age, and older, too.
She doesn't fit in with her peers, you're right. She's not super girly whereas her friends are. I can't wait til we can access some more clubs for her. I have also considered that she may be on the autism spectrum as well, previous to this, and this has kind of compounded it a bit more for me
Thank you for your help!

"What makes you think that?" is a favourite question in our family. The kids can't always tell us why, but they can often explain what might have influenced their thinking. That's what I would ask my kids in this situation. We're very STEM-focused, so we would also talk about sex being immutable, but that that doesn't mean we need to fit neatly into the boxes society makes for each sex.

But you sound like you've got a loving relationship with your DD and a sensible way of approaching the issue, so I'm sure you've got this.

Like pp suggested, I would also look for strong role models, both in lesbian and bisexual women and ground-breaking ones. My mum got me a dictionary with the biographies of 100 women who made important contributions to the world at this age, and I really loved reading about all these women doing things that women of their time just didn't normally do. It helped me to know that I wasn't limited by being a girl (outside of some narrow biological contexts).

@Horehound that's what I think too.
@ScrapThatThen yes agree! I've said the same, think about yourself as a person, you don't have to identify as anything, you do what you want

@Mischance I didn't want to be a girl when my periods started either!
Did you also call your DD Ben when she decided to call herself that?

@CharlieParley thank you! Yes we're very STEM focused here too. I've always encouraged critical thinking, so I'm glad I'm not the only one!
Thank you, I like to think we do have a good relationship and we can be open.
I'm definitely looking into lesbian role models for her, I do think this will help her consider different aspects of herself. That dictionary sounds brilliant.

How long exactly has she felt like this ? Could she just mean she wishes she was a boy so that she doesn’t have periods ? I would take this very very slowly and wouldn’t overload her with information unless she asks.

I'm not sure, I only found out today. We definitely won't be rushing into anything

Thanks, Charlie, that's good to know.

I'm sad to hear people dislike periods (not judging, it just seems sad).

If there are side effects, period pain, etc, that should of course be addressed, but is it seen as bad in itself to have periods? I love mine. I appreciate this may not be universal, but I love the rhythm of it (and no longer have pain, thankfully). A healthy, natural part of being a woman (girl, in this case!).

@ArabellaScott for me it's the symptoms alongside that I hate. I actually love knowing I'm not pregnant every month but I suffer horrendously with migraines, pain, fatigue etc.

She might like the She-Ra cartoon reboot. It's very good and has a nice, unforced diversity in the characters around sexuality, colour and body shapes.
Re periods, my DD started at a similar age. She hates having periods but we've found period pants to be the least fussy or intrusive way to deal with them, also pretty environmentally friendly.

I'm wary of going down that route straight away. While that is entirely my opinion (and biological fact) I don't want her to be in the mindset that she's stuck and feel desperate at any point.

She's already in a stuck mindset thinking that she has to be a boy to be able to feel comfortable in her skin, poor child. She's a girl, a female child who has the option to be as gender neutral as she she likes. Beyond that, what does she think boys do or are that is different from girls?

Show her that it doesn't matter whether she is a boy or girl but that what matters is her interests, doing well at school, hobbies, friends, her health, if she is kind, if she can make a difference in the world by helping others... boy or girl, who cares? There are more important things in life.

@MexicanStreet I'm aware of that. My whole point is to show her it doesn't matter which gender you are, you can do anything you want. Outright saying you can't change, no matter how true it is, I don't think will be helpful at this point. And I agree there are more important things in life!

I'll have a look at She-Ra, I bet she would like it! And period pants seem like a really good idea, thank you.

I wanted to be a boy, lots of us did. I think it was easier in the 1970s as wearing your brother's hand me downs was fairly normal. Don't freak out, it's likely work out ok.

@JudithButlerNot that's very true! Thank you

I have read this mostly the other way but I think there are a lot of online suggestions to children to get one parent to tell the other one "because they are afraid how they will react". Usually they ask mum to tell dad. Do you think she's being "talked to" online?