Daughter (10) says she wants to be a boy

[Gooseygoosey12345]

My dd has spoken to her dad, who she asked to speak to me, about that fact that she feels like she's a boy and has done for some time. I can't express how I feel about this. I'm so confused and she's back this afternoon so I need to get my head on straight.

As a feminist this is really difficult for me to organise in my mind (if that makes sense). I've always held the view that gender is a social construct, we don't live by stereotypes and women's rights are a huge theme in our house. I don't believe you can change your gender.

However, she's my daughter, who I've raised to believe that her body is her own and the decisions that she makes for her body are hers (age appropriately).

I want to believe that this is a phase by I also understand that this language can be damaging. Understanding trans psychology is part of my training but putting that into practice when it's your own child is easier said than done, and there's 2 sides to that coin as well!

What do I do? At this point I feel she's far too young to actively do anything about it. She's mature for her age but she is still only 10 and I don't believe she understands the implications of what she's saying fully. She's asked to change her name which I'm not comfortable with yet, but then again, this isn't about me.

Any advice or experience would be gratefully received!

I wanted to be a boy when I was coming to terms with my sexuality. Just keep asking open ended questions about why she wants it. It’s very possible homophobia or biphobia at school or could be something simple as her not wanting periods or finding them painful.

My daughter was the same at that age. She dressed as a boy, had her hair as a boy and I of her happiest moments at school was when a member of staff told her off for using the girls' toilets, because she was mistaken for being a boy.
I drew the line at calling her Josh because I wanted her to be loved for who she (or he, if that's how it panned out) was.
She grew out of it all over the following few years.
Ironically her older brother is trans...
We are what we are. My advice is to just try and roll with it all.

My son is 10 and has wanted to be a girl since as soon as he could squeeze himself into Elsa and Ana dresses.
I don’t think he could explain “why” though...it would be possibly quite overwhelming for him to have to do so...
Sometimes he wants to talk about it and sometimes he doesn’t but it’s all ok - sometimes he says he is gay and sometimes he says he knows he is physically a boy but in his head he is a girl...just be open and loving and say to her that you are here for her and any time she wants to talk about it she can...and reassure her that you will always love her no matter what she decides to do ..and even if she doesn’t want to decide either way that’s ok too x

I would want to know what's going on with her friends. Whether there's anyone else exploring their gender in her circle or her sphere of contacts. Social contagion is fierce amongst young girls. I'd monitor messaging apps as well as internet usage. And no phones in the bedroom at night.

Wearing dresses is not anything to do with being a girl

OP you sound like a brilliant Mum and clearly have a strong relationship with her.
A few thoughts...
If some/all of this may have been triggered by starting her period is there anything you can do together to make them better? Is she struggling/embarrassed by having to use San pro would period pants be any better? Similarly if she’s unhappy or physically uncomfortable with breast development/wearing a bra would a crop top or sports bra help?
I think I’d find it really hard to call my child by a different name because that would need a conscious overriding of what I naturally call them and the way I think of them but I wonder as a compromise of a gender neutral nickname would work?
Totally agree she needs to see lots of different types of women to know we're not all pink and frilly. There are lots of sports women who are amazing- Nicola Adams springs to mind but rock climbers, cyclists, snowboarders are often not very girly and there’s some brilliant films about them. Have a look at the Banff Film Festival website for examples.
I also bought a book for a friend’s daughter called “Folk Tales for Bold Girls” which has folk stories from around the world where girls are strong brave and independent.

Is she getting unsettling male attention now that she is in puberty? It's understandable that some girls might feel safer as 'boys' as an attempt to shield themselves. Being female is scary in that respect.

@drspouse that's exactly what she said.. now I do think so yes! How on earth is that happening? She has every restriction on there

What does being a boy mean to her?
What does being a girl mean to her?

@Guineapigsarepigs I don't think so. We literally haven't been anywhere

@CovidLockdownmustend she can't tell me. The more I think about it the more it sounds like she was following a script. Now I'm seriously concerned about how she's accessing this information (she did mention the internet) and what else she's read! Happy for her to learn about anything but only from proper sources!

We did call her Ben for a while OP - but always said with a twinkle in the eye on both sides. She is happily married with two children.

The difficulty now is that it is such an "issue" that it looms larger in people's minds than it should. We did not bat an eyelid when DD did this - it was just another part of her childhood and growing up. I dread to think what would happen now - everyone (school etc.) would latch onto it and it would become a big deal, with people jostling to show how cool and accepting they are and fuelling the embers into something they are not. .

I have another young close relative who has declared she wishes to be a boy and that dates to the start of her periods. She is a a bit older than my DD was. A big deal is being made of it. Where is her escape route now without losing face if it turns out to one phase of growing up?

I think such children just need tons of love and to know that that is unconditional. No need to delve too deeply at this stage - just give her space and time and guidance when she asks for it. Either it will pass or it won't but no bridges will have been burned (either physical or emotional).

I'm surprised more people haven't advised you to be truthful to your daughter and tell her that it is not possible for a girl to become a boy. Playing along with the fairytale and confusing children is not being kind, Keira made that clear.

[quote Gooseygoosey12345]@drspouse that's exactly what she said.. now I do think so yes! How on earth is that happening? She has every restriction on there [/quote]
Could her friends be passing it on?
I would look carefully at her browsing history- and see if anything's been deleted - what apps is she allowed? Can she install things? Does she have a phone?

I spent a few years wanting to be a boy. It was all about the privilege I saw and I can see that clearly now though I am not sure I did at the time. What is concerning is what is available online now to influence people. I would definitely look at her browsing history and check for any chat apps downloaded you may be unaware of.

@Mischance I agree with you entirely. I made sure she knew she could change her mind again too

@Thingybob she knows this already and I don't think it's the right time to potentially make her feel worse about herself. We've always been open and honest about the issue and that you can't change your gender

@drspouse possibly. How would I know if anything has been deleted? All of her apps are for below 12 years, she has to request to install apps. She does have a phone but no credit on it, she uses WhatsApp but she can't add contacts as it's restricted on her settings. Her browser is restricted by age as well. I don't understand how this has happened and I feel as if I've not done enough to protect her.

@Ikora she can't download anything but I'll definitely check her history. I'll be so upset if she thinks that. Being a woman is a wonderful thing, she's always been brought up to be proud of that and I've tried to be a strong female figure for her.

We've always been open and honest about the issue and that you can't change your gender

Anyone can change their gender, for example just by adopting more sex same or opposite sex stereotypes. It's sex that can't be changed. Sex vs gender is critical to understanding what's going on. This might seem pedantic but unless you have a clear sense of what you're talking about then what you say will be muddled and will create further uncertainty.

I went through the same OP, it just seemed like everything about being a woman was shit, I was very much a 'Tom boy'. I even told a teacher that I wanted to be a boy and gave him my boy name. I shudder to think what would happen if I did that now. It just seemed like boys did all the fun stuff, lead exiting lives and girls got all the mundane jobs. My parents had many faults but they really did do a good job of finding books (fiction and non-fiction) and films with strong female role models relevant to my interests and didn't really make a big issue of it. I was also allowed to dress in very boyish clothes. I am also bisexual and that was very confusing as I knew what straight and gay were but had no idea that it is perfectly normal to fancy both.
20 years down the line I love being a woman and I am still amazed at what the female body can do. I would still rather do without periods

If her browser history or her YouTube history is thin, that suggests she's been deleting things.
We had to stop DS (9) going on YouTube even on the kids app (for different reasons, we stopped the main YouTube app ages ago), as it is so poorly regulated. Even the 7-12 age Kids app is awful for aggression.

OP - is it possible that she's picking this up from school? Is it a 'Stonewall champion'? I know they're over keen to work in primary schools and there's been some dreadful materials out there from groups aimed at very young children that are pure gaslighting? A lot of schools have completely failed to exercise due diligence in what materials they use.
Having said that, I'd not ask too many questions, but just carry on as everyone's suggested with ensuring that this issue is not magnified and focus on all the other aspects of her life that will contribute to her emotional health and wellbeing while keeping a watchful eye on what sites she's accessing.

At about that age I wanted to be a boy too. Largely because of the negative stereotypes associated with being female, which I felt were ruining my life. Your family may not follow gender stereotypes but the rest of the world does, and it can be very restrictive. I’ve spent my whole life opposing those stereotypes and I’m still fighting. I purposely use a gender neutral nickname for work to avoid discrimination. People eventually meet me and are surprised I’m female. I still sometimes think it would be easier to just declare myself male but I can’t see DH being happy about that!

Most 10y old girls want to be boys don't they? I certainly did. Why wouldn't you.

Incognito browsing is another possibility.
Look out for sites like Discord (might not have spelt that right). DD tells me some of her peers use that - can be very iffy. Despite all the internet safety training at school they are still talking about intimate issues with strangers.
One of DD's friends was talking to someone'helpful' on Discord about binding but luckily one of her other friends actually pulled her up on the wisdom of discussing this with some random in the internet.

Is she getting unsettling male attention now that she is in puberty? It's understandable that some girls might feel safer as 'boys' as an attempt to shield themselves.
I spent a few years wanting to be a boy. It was all about the privilege I saw
Both of these were massively important in me wanting to be a boy. I wanted freedom to do what I wanted and not be hassled or discriminated against. It was totally about privilege. Nowadays I’d probably be told I was trans.

@nauticant sorry yes, that is what I meant, and what I say. I mistyped. Gender can change, sex cannot.
@DaisyHeadMaisy that's the thing, she's not a tomboy at all. She's all about the stick on nails and lipstick until yesterday. I'll definitely be looking for more female role models for her.