Daughter (10) says she wants to be a boy

[Gooseygoosey12345]

My dd has spoken to her dad, who she asked to speak to me, about that fact that she feels like she's a boy and has done for some time. I can't express how I feel about this. I'm so confused and she's back this afternoon so I need to get my head on straight.

As a feminist this is really difficult for me to organise in my mind (if that makes sense). I've always held the view that gender is a social construct, we don't live by stereotypes and women's rights are a huge theme in our house. I don't believe you can change your gender.

However, she's my daughter, who I've raised to believe that her body is her own and the decisions that she makes for her body are hers (age appropriately).

I want to believe that this is a phase by I also understand that this language can be damaging. Understanding trans psychology is part of my training but putting that into practice when it's your own child is easier said than done, and there's 2 sides to that coin as well!

What do I do? At this point I feel she's far too young to actively do anything about it. She's mature for her age but she is still only 10 and I don't believe she understands the implications of what she's saying fully. She's asked to change her name which I'm not comfortable with yet, but then again, this isn't about me.

Any advice or experience would be gratefully received!

@drspouse ah I get you. I'll be checking this afternoon, we're just on our way out for a walk

@persistentwoman I don't think she is. They don't have anything to do witbier stonewall thankfully, they've learned about LGBTQ+ but only on a superficial level of everyone is different and respect each other. I definitely agree with that plan.

@CurlyReds totally get that! I really do think this has come from the internet now though. It's like a script!

@Beamur she can't access the incognito feature luckily, I'll have a look out for that!

@Branleuse

I would try and find out what she means by that. Id also monitor the sites shes going on the internet. I think at that age I made sure my daughter was aware that there were loads of types of women and personality types. Id talk about how annoying it is that girls are expected to be feminine and boys are expected to be masculine and how it just restricts people from expressing their true personality, because she can be as masculine as she likes and wear any clothes she likes and do anything that is supposed to be for boys, but doesnt mean she isnt a girl

Yes I would do this too.

@SirVixofVixHall I agree. She doesn't really know what she means which to me means this hasn't come from inside.

I would ask what she thinks being a boy means - how is it different from being a girl? She might hate having periods (who doesn't?) But boys have to put up with embarrassing erections when they least want them, with suddenly squeaky voices and years of ugly bum fluff on their faces.
They have a place between their legs so sensitive that if someone kicks it they feel sick for hours. They get mocked if they are short (might be an issue for transmen) or have small hands and feet. They are more likely to get hit and badly hurt in fights or attacked by strangers. They can't give birth and they've pretty much never got over that injustice as a sex. Just point out that it's not all greener on that side of the field.

Aside from bodily differences, everything else she wants from boy-life, she can have as a girl - she can dress how she likes, do what she wants, play with who she wants, choose her own toys, subjects at school etc. The whole world is hers, as she is.

My 13yo has been saying she doesn’t feel like a girl as well as being really stressed trying to figure out her sexuality. We had a few big conversations about what identity is. We tried describing people like her aunt who is gay. And then showed her how “woman” (with short hair) and “lesbian” were only part of who she is, she is also great at X, is lovely and kind and funny, enjoys Y and Z etc.

Also reminded her how when she was little she got annoyed at boys in her class being teased for wearing princess dresses - we even had to talk to the teacher about it. She used to get annoyed at having to go in the boy’s section for dinosaur clothes because it showed people thought only boys liked dinosaurs, she used to shout at sexist TV adverts. Deep down she knows these stereotypes are wrong, I think most kids do.

She sees me wearing jeans and trainers, not wearing make up, using a backpack and never a handbag. Do those things make me less of a woman? She could see it clearly doesn’t. The fact 11yo DS has a bed covered in cuddlies doesn’t make him girly either. It really helped to talk these stereotypes through.

We also talked about how unfortunately being female can be crap. We have the periods, the bras, the pressure to dress and behave in a certain way (really bad at her school) and now she’s 13 and getting curves - attention from men just from walking in the street 🤬 she also had a horrible experience with her first boyfriend at school pressuring her. She can see how all that has made it feel safer not to be female :( (I know much of this is likely irrelevant to OP but if others are reading...). She loves Kpop boy bands and has realised in the past that part of this is the fact they don’t present super “manly” and in the millions of YouTube videos she watches of them mucking about, sweet and funny and unthreatening, nothing at all like the boys and men she has been around at school/town.

The other thing we talked about was the pandemic. A lot of our identity is about how others see us - what we do for hobbies etc. This is hard now - she’s not dancing, not going to cadets, she’s not got her identity as a student and getting feedback from teachers. So it’s natural to want to explore something, anything that makes you different right now, because we have less in lockdown to show us who we are. Even experimenting with hair/fashion doesn’t make so much difference because you can’t be seen in it.

Sorry I’m waffling. It’s just fresh in my mind as it’s been an angst ridden time! DD1 is autistic and has processing issues that mean she is easily led. But I think talking through the above has helped a bit, as has reducing her internet use (I deeply regret ever letting her on tiktok). She asked me to cut her hair quite short and she loves it and I’ll probably get her some different clothes as she’s currently borrowing DH’s geeky t-shirts and was even wearing joggers for the first time in years. But I just have to remind her that she’s still exactly the same person as the days when she wears a skirt. :)

@Labobo I couldn't agree more. And I thought I'd instilled that in her, but obviously not unfortunately. I'm definitely going to keep working on it!

@SingToTheSky not waffling at all! It's reassuring to hear other people's experiences. Thank you for taking the time to write it. Definitely agree with the pandemic making it hard to express yourself to the world, and I do think that's played a huge part. She's always been allowed to express herself with her clothes and, to a certain extent, her hair, but like you said it's not something she can really share at the moment. I've massively reduced the internet usage, not that she had a huge amount before, but I think that'll help too!

well said @SingToTheSky.

I recommend the Gender Dysphoria Support Network. I'm also a parent and they hold online support meetings for parents, I've found them helpful www.genderdysphoriasupportnetwork.com

Get her off the internet. One of our kids was being taught by other kids at the age of 8 to join the LGBTQ group and declare their pronouns. And please read Irreversible Damage by Abigail Shreir.