Mrs HisFirstName

[Tittie]

I married a decade ago and decided to take my husband's surname. I kind of regret it now.

Anyway, i keep receiving post for Mrs Dave Smith. It's really pissing me off, my name is not Dave. I want to correct the sender but DH says I'll sound silly because it's just convention. I struggled to articulate why this is sexist and why it annoys me so much. Am I being OTT?!

Is it still considered good etiquette to address mail to Mrs HisFirstName? I'm sure my mum told me never to do that because it could offend the recipient!

I want to correct the sender but DH says I'll sound silly because it's just convention.

It was, in about 1950.

Is it still considered good etiquette to address mail to Mrs HisFirstName?

No. It's old fashioned sexism, reducing a married woman to an appendage of her husband rather than an equal partner.

I hate it too, but it is normally old people who address others that way. eg my mother-in-law who is in her late 70s. It really really bugs me, as if she is offended by my name or something, but i try to remind myself it is simply old-fashioned, and as a "thing" will die out with that generation.

It’s very old fashioned nowadays, but it was once considered the ‘correct’ formal way to address a married woman.

This sort of outdated sexist crap is exactly why I didn’t change my name.

Get him some post addressed to Mr Your First Name Surname.

My mum who is 86 absolutely hates being addressed as Mrs his name because it makes her invisible.

It's a bit Jane Austin.

I am pretty sure that even by the 1950s it was confined to letters to you as a couple. "Mr & Mrs Hisname Smith"

I kept my own name and still get this crap.
You can't escape the patriarchy.
Believe me, I've tried.

My DM would have been late nineties by now, she always used her first name. There's really no excuse for it now.

It's because you are being regarded as an extension of your husband, a sort of add-on, or an employee under household team instead of a person in your own right with an actual name. Women were passed form fathers to husbands, and this issue is a symbol of that.

I'm not even married to my partner and our elderly relatives send mail addressed to Mr and Mrs His initial His Surname! Maybe it's because we have a baby together?!
They'll be even more confused when we do marry as we are both db'ing so we will all be the same

I also regret changing my name, also married 10 years ago!

I only get it from older family members, I remember being taught at school that was the right way to address a letter but I wouldn't ever do it myself

Ahh see my mother would say that addressing you as Mrs yourname hissurname means you are (clutch pearls now & speak in hushed tones) a divorcée.

Always best to ignore my mother

@Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons I insist on being addressed as Ms so that would probably really worry her 😂

It may be outdated but I really don’t think it would bother me that much

AccidentallyRunToWindsor oh yes Ms is only used by women who are trying to trick (poor ) men into thinking they are single rather than a divorcée OR they are (speak as if you have something nasty tasting in your mouth) American!

@TheBuffster

I kept my own name and still get this crap. You can't escape the patriarchy. Believe me, I've tried.

Ain't that the truth.

I once sent away for something businesslike (vague) and put in my name as Ms. Pratchett. Got it back addressed to Mr. M S Pratchett. FFS. No business for you then.

I have been a proud Ms. for almost 40 years. Single, married, divorced and remarried.

I still get Mrs. DH'sSurname. From my bloody parents too. And my mum's a proper old school feminist.

I suppose it was commonplace when women were considered to be the property of their husbands, anachronistic now.

I hate it too! I changed my name when I got married because I hated my own surname, and my abusive father, and couldn’t wait to get shot of it.

However, my MIL now sends Christmas cards to ‘Mr and Mrs John Smith’ and I HATE it. She is quite modern so I’m surprised by it tbh! I have no idea how to raise it with her either, as she is so lovely, and I’d hate to offend- I can’t think of a way to say it that isn’t awkward!

I kept my name and still suffer this shit.

Or I get called 'miss' occasionally. Most recently in an email from the headteacher of my DC's school. Completely ridiculous, just call me by my first name as it's how I signed off the initial communication. I think it was an attempt to undermine me tbh.

I am Ms. Not Mrs 'His Name' or Miss.

I find it extremely disrespectful.

i keep receiving post for Mrs Dave Smith.

Who on earth is doing this?

When I was a student in the early 1980s, I absentmindedly addressed a birthday card to my mum in that way, and I absolutely never heard the end of it... I never made that mistake again (and kept my maiden name when I got married...) Surely nobody still does this.

Impossible to escape it! I didn't change my name when I got married but only a handful of people address letters to me in my actual name. Luckily my own family are in this group. I get Mrs Dave Smith from my husband's side of the family which I sort of understand as they are older, though it is annoying. What I find harder to deal with is good friends my own age who use my husband's surname on letters, or save me as husband's surname in their contacts for email etc. Why!!? I've never ever used that name, it's as if they don't know me at all.

I hate the fact that our utilities are in his name only, I pay half the bills so we should both be on. If they ever ring they will only speak to him.