Mrs HisFirstName

[Tittie]

I married a decade ago and decided to take my husband's surname. I kind of regret it now.

Anyway, i keep receiving post for Mrs Dave Smith. It's really pissing me off, my name is not Dave. I want to correct the sender but DH says I'll sound silly because it's just convention. I struggled to articulate why this is sexist and why it annoys me so much. Am I being OTT?!

Is it still considered good etiquette to address mail to Mrs HisFirstName? I'm sure my mum told me never to do that because it could offend the recipient!

That's so strange fran.

My own bloody mother sends cards to Mr and Mrs DH first and last name

This is my absolute pet hate. My DC's school does it.

I've only ever had that from my in-laws.
If it's from a company then it's definitely a mistake that needs correcting.

I hadn't realised that it was still a thing.
Ellen Wood the Victorian novelist and editor en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellen_Wood_(author) had, and possiblly still has, all her books published as by Mrs.Henry Wood.

It was a slight exaggeration when I said I keep receiving post addressed that way, but there was a flurry over Christmas and some this week, like every year. It's not even from older people - the (multiple) senders are in their 50s/60s.

@EarthSight - that is what I should have said! DH calls himself a feminist, but he said that of all the feminist battles, this is not one to get angry about right now. I think I can get angry about them all.

@TheBuffster

I kept my own name and still get this crap. You can't escape the patriarchy. Believe me, I've tried.

so true or- being very modern and daring- people send post to me with my DCs surname (which is Hisname-Myname) confusing, as my daughter has the same initial as me....

Brilliant, a man telling you how to do feminism. They can't stop themselves, can they?

I used to address things that way, because I'd been taught it was the right way. Then I woke up, realised how ridiculously sexist it was and stopped doing it. I've been married for 18 years and I don't actually ever remember receiving anything addressing me as Mrs Mrs husband's name surname.

I didn't change my name upon marriage either and still got the Mrs hisname and Mr& Mrs hisfirstname hissurname.

I once had to collect a package at post office from inlaws and I was asked to show ID for a Mrs. Hisname that I didn't have.
When I asked inlaws to in future send anything in my actual name they decided I didn't exist anymore and sent even my birthday card in MR. Hisname.

I actually had to argue with dh recently over a train ticket he was buying for me and was clicking Mrs. Mysurname I corrected him and said no it's Ms. or nothing as my martial status is irrelevant for a train ticket.
He argued that I was in fact a Mrs and I pointed out that he was a Mr before and after marriage

I’ve been married twice and have never had this happen. I’d be annoyed if it did.

I get this from my MIL but I just can't be bothered to worry about it!

I didn't change my name and am very firmly Ms, and this rarely happens to me. The only time it does is from my inlaws who go the whole hog with "Dr and Mrs D Smith ". I mean, wtf? They accept that we are two separate people and can split the dr from the mere missus, but I still get his initial.
Also birthday cheques for me have always had his surname and I have never yet cashed one. Never been commented on!

Apart from that they are very nice too!

There is one person who does this to me. It infuriates me. My name isn't Simon. It's only a Christmas card but I'm tempted to send him one next year to Mr Jane just to make the point

We were taught that was the correct way to address an envelope at my all girls' school - early nineties, so perhaps that's why it hasn't died out yet

It’s VERY old fashioned now. Not even Tatler do it in their social pages anymore (!). So if it’s your 94 year old aunt, I’d let it go, but if it’s anyone under 80 pull em up on it. (And tell your husband it’s not 1957.)

I was taught this at school and have always ignored it.

Well obviously it's deeply annoying to have your first name replaced by your husband's but (and I may well get flamed for this) why are you so outraged by that and not by the fact that you have replaced your surname with your husband's and that you are using a title which indicates your marital status? It's all part of the same problem. I don't know why women seem to be ok with some of it but not all of it?! Frankly it's all wrong and we should all keep the names we're given at birth and use "Ms" as a title. Same as men keeping their names and using Mr.

And - in anticipation of defensive posts by women wanting to justify their own choices - THIS IS NOT AN ATTACK ON YOUR INDIVIDUAL DECISIONS. I'm talking about the big picture.

AnotherEmma I agree.

I am not Mrs Hisname, that’s his mother. Also, definitely not Mrs Hisinitial Hisname. I should’ve kept my name tbh.

I kept my surname after marriage, but even my new MIL addressed things to "Mrs husband's surname" in the beginning. I have a hard to spell eastern European surname, but even taking that in to account, why would you decide to give someone a completely different name because you are worried about spelling my actual name? My husband's extended family still insist on addressing things to "Mrs Husband's surname", which frankly feels disrespectful five years after marriage. They've been told many times that I have kept my own surname, yet they still address cards and letters to someone who does not exist. It is nice that they think of me and send bday and Christmas cards, etc, but for goodness sake think of me a bit more and address them to my actual bloody name. It upsets me.

I never changed my name, yet older (age 70s) and my generation (40s) still do this sometimes. Grinds my gears!

I had so much s* for not taking DH name I can see why people don't.
The first one I was completely blindsided by was DH himself expressing shock when I said it. He's generally a feminist ally. It was saddening I had to convince him. To this day I don't think I know his true feelings on it.
My job were so uncomfortable with it they pulled me into the office to ask what our (non existent at the time) children would be called. Double barrel before anyone asks.
My sister outright told me I was a bad wife on my hen do
My super feminist aunt told me I was being stupid.
So I totally see why people on the whole change their name.

My husbands aunts address me this way and it is extremely eye roll inducing. But they are both old and old fashioned, so this reinforces my view of them. My parents are the same age and would not do this as it has a whiff of putting on airs.

The thing in your anecdote I have issues with is your husbands response. Surely he could be supportive of your concerns about this archaic practice, even if he doesn’t think it’s worth confronting anyone about. It’s definitely not the “correct” etiquette in 2021.

Oh I hate this. I took his last name not his first.
It’s always older people that do it and I can’t be bothered to tackle them about it