Mrs HisFirstName

[Tittie]

I married a decade ago and decided to take my husband's surname. I kind of regret it now.

Anyway, i keep receiving post for Mrs Dave Smith. It's really pissing me off, my name is not Dave. I want to correct the sender but DH says I'll sound silly because it's just convention. I struggled to articulate why this is sexist and why it annoys me so much. Am I being OTT?!

Is it still considered good etiquette to address mail to Mrs HisFirstName? I'm sure my mum told me never to do that because it could offend the recipient!

I just don't understand the outrage about how sexist it is to say "Mrs Thomas Smith" when "Mrs [anything] Smith" is pretty sexist already.

2 reasons. 1) Mrs Smith's first name is not Thomas, but her surname is Smith. 2) She haschosen to take her husband's surname. She has not chosen to change her first name to Thomas.

Choice or not, it's still a sexist tradition.

@AnotherEmma keeping your name is weirdly still a massive taboo though.
You have to be a pretty steadfast feminist and be very self assured to put up with the crap that goes with it.

Technically marriage itself is patriarchal, but I chose to get married as an expression of commitment. I realise my choice isn't the most feminist but I am happy with it.

One can choose to not join in with the "sexist tradition".

(It isn't compulsory.)

😂

Sorry, my reply was for anotheremma

What's your point exactly?
I know full well that we can choose not to confirm to sexist traditions. That was in fact my point. Choosing it doesn't stop it being sexist.

*conform

You said:

I just don't understand the outrage about how sexist it is to say "Mrs Thomas Smith" when "Mrs [anything] Smith" is pretty sexist already.

I don't think that anyone here has expressed "outrage" at the sexism (that's a given still in this day and age, annoyingly). What I think people here are complaining about is still getting posts addressed to them in this sexist way after asking people politely not to do it.

We know it's sexist.

Just really that I don't judge people changing their name as I've had lots of s* for keeping mine.
But I can understand people getting annoyed with their first name being erased as well.
I get annoyed with people ignoring my choice and addressing me as Mrs husband's name. There's not a lot I can do about it though because if you complain people think you are petty and say things like surely there are bigger problems in feminism.
I don't know, just rambling now lol.

It’s a way of reducing women to appendage status
If it’s no big deal he can be Mr FemaleSurname, although that rarely happens
Whenever I receive Mr and Mrs HisName I send it back not know at this address

@TheBuffster

Just really that I don't judge people changing their name as I've had lots of s* for keeping mine. But I can understand people getting annoyed with their first name being erased as well. I get annoyed with people ignoring my choice and addressing me as Mrs husband's name. There's not a lot I can do about it though because if you complain people think you are petty and say things like surely there are bigger problems in feminism. I don't know, just rambling now lol.

Be assertive and demand they not address you in a way you don’t like! Lots of things are more important than lots of other things, doesn’t mean we ignore the less important things.

Who has said they are not assertive on this issue? In my case, the family members who do this have been told repeatedly that I have not changed my surname and could they please call me by my actual name. Yet they continue to call me Mrs Dave Husband's Surname. At this point it is downright disrespectful.

@TinyHouseFan

I don't get much post from anyone these days, but I can't remember getting anything addressed to Mrs DH, thankfully.

I did change my name, 10 years ago and for the same reason as a pp, I wanted my future kids to have the same name as me.

Despite not being divorced and happily married, I am thinking of changing my name back to my "maiden" name (hate that naming convention too!)

The kids are in the middle of primary school and I'm 20 years with my employer and I have a valid passport for another few years so I may change back after that.

It's not your maiden name, it's just your name.

@tofuschnitzel

Who has said they are not assertive on this issue? In my case, the family members who do this have been told repeatedly that I have not changed my surname and could they please call me by my actual name. Yet they continue to call me Mrs Dave Husband's Surname. At this point it is downright disrespectful.

I agree that’s disrespectful, I was however being encouraging the person I quoted as she’d said “there’s not a lot I can do about it, if you complain people think you’re petty”

It is honestly so depressing , I didn’t change my name, my title, my kids have both names, but one of my best friend sent me a Christmas card (we discussed changing/not changing names a lot at the time of all getting married) to ‘The Hisname Family’ this year. It gives me the absolute rage because she KNOWS i didn’t change a thing (I don’t get rage with dh’s friends from another country, because they don’t know I didn’t take his name). Whyyyyyy does she do it? She’s honestly so nice I can’t raise it.

People honestly can never let it go, eyebrow raising at the least.

I find using titles so outdated. I address cards to “Sue & Dave Smith”, where the woman has taken the man’s surname on marriage. Or, on the basis women continuing to take their husbands name bugs me, I’ll often just address it to “Sue and Dave”

My mother used to do this when I was married, no matter how many times I told her not to. Drove me bonkers. She also threw a fit that my ex H didn't ask my father permission to marry me. As I pointed out at the time, it was 1989, not 1889, and the only person who needed to give 'permission' was me.

@Changethetoner

I hate it too, but it is normally old people who address others that way. eg my mother-in-law who is in her late 70s. It really really bugs me, as if she is offended by my name or something, but i try to remind myself it is simply old-fashioned, and as a "thing" will die out with that generation.

You say that, but I had xmas cards this year addressed by (my) family members in their 50s to me as Mrs Hisname Hissurname.

Have been married nearly 20 years and have never once used his surname or Mrs!

As if Xmas isn’t enough of a shit show, apparently now I don’t even get to be called by my own name!

Also birthday cheques for me have always had his surname and I have never yet cashed one. Never been commented on!

Couldn’t cash many of our wedding cheques. When asked why we hadn’t banked them we explained we had no joint account and that my name wasn’t as written on the cheque. Most got changed.

DD shares DH’s surname and has mine as a middle name. One relative (who was part of the above) will send me a cheque to cash for her made out to Mycorrectname, in an envelope addressed to DD. Then 2 days later a birthday card for me addressed to Mrs Hisname Hissurname. WTAF?!

DD had the best comeback to this when she learned to read. I remember a letter arriving for Mrs M Clanger (M is DH's initial) and her thinking someone had got confused about whether DH was male or female.

I'm Ms S Clanger.