Mrs HisFirstName

[Tittie]

I married a decade ago and decided to take my husband's surname. I kind of regret it now.

Anyway, i keep receiving post for Mrs Dave Smith. It's really pissing me off, my name is not Dave. I want to correct the sender but DH says I'll sound silly because it's just convention. I struggled to articulate why this is sexist and why it annoys me so much. Am I being OTT?!

Is it still considered good etiquette to address mail to Mrs HisFirstName? I'm sure my mum told me never to do that because it could offend the recipient!

In the big picture I took my husbands name because I wanted a family name that the kids shared with both parents and I wasn’t fussed on mine.

@Incrediblytired

In the big picture I took my husbands name because I wanted a family name that the kids shared with both parents and I wasn’t fussed on mine.

Which is perfectly fine, but some people are fussed about their name, and it is a big deal to insist on calling someone a name that is not their own. It is valid to object to that.

My MIL sent my birthday card recently addressed to Mrs DHintial Surname! I was disgusted and told her so. I could just about forgive if it was addressed to both of us but just me and his initial!

Send the letters back unopened - not known at this address

They'll get the message

The only person who still does this is my 93 year old nanna. So I let it slide. No one else does it as I asked them not to!

@TheBuffster

I had so much s* for not taking DH name I can see why people don't. The first one I was completely blindsided by was DH himself expressing shock when I said it. He's generally a feminist ally. It was saddening I had to convince him. To this day I don't think I know his true feelings on it. My job were so uncomfortable with it they pulled me into the office to ask what our (non existent at the time) children would be called. Double barrel before anyone asks. My sister outright told me I was a bad wife on my hen do My super feminist aunt told me I was being stupid. So I totally see why people on the whole change their name.

What a bizarre response from your work @TheBuffster ! What does it matter to them what your kids or you were called?! My (female) boss at the time was kind of the opposite and seemed a bit disappointed in me for changing my name. I kept it at work though.

@FWRLurker

My husbands aunts address me this way and it is extremely eye roll inducing. But they are both old and old fashioned, so this reinforces my view of them. My parents are the same age and would not do this as it has a whiff of putting on airs.

The thing in your anecdote I have issues with is your husbands response. Surely he could be supportive of your concerns about this archaic practice, even if he doesn’t think it’s worth confronting anyone about. It’s definitely not the “correct” etiquette in 2021.

I brought it up with him again, using what I've seen in here, and he realises he was in the wrong now and that it's definitely not still the done thing. It was quite out of character for him because he's normally a great ally.

Its his side of the family that is guilty of addressing me incorrectly. But it's not the grandparents, they get my name right - it's the aunts and uncles. So perhaps it is putting on airs as you say.

@WhichOneOfUsIsCaving2

Send the letters back unopened - not known at this address

They'll get the message

I actually decided I would try that with Christmas cards this year - as I am sick of being called Mrs DH name surname. I don’t like Mr and Mrs DH name either. So, I started to put aside the cards that came addressed to Mrs Dhname surname and Mr and Mrs DHname surname with a view to return to sender or just mention casually (dad/Aunty) BUT It was the majority of cards !!! I was quite shocked that even friends were doing it. I didn’t return to sender but I am really going to have to educate a few people this year.

@TheBuffster

I had so much s* for not taking DH name I can see why people don't. The first one I was completely blindsided by was DH himself expressing shock when I said it. He's generally a feminist ally. It was saddening I had to convince him. To this day I don't think I know his true feelings on it. My job were so uncomfortable with it they pulled me into the office to ask what our (non existent at the time) children would be called. Double barrel before anyone asks. My sister outright told me I was a bad wife on my hen do My super feminist aunt told me I was being stupid. So I totally see why people on the whole change their name.

Mil commented on "what was the point of getting married if you don't change your name"

Because MIL Men get married too ffs and there is no obligation for them to change their surname or title or be addressed by their wifes first name.

I'll always be Ms. Mysurname because martial status is as relevant as mens martial status which it seems is never a factor in their lives or careers their identity remains the same whether they are married or single.

@Whonew ohh snap I had that one too!

[quote TheBuffster]@Whonew ohh snap I had that one too![/quote]
ridiculous isn't it
A friend of same mil reverted to her maiden name on divorce mil was puzzled by this also and felt that her friend was incorrect and that it was illegal. That your married name is your name until you die.

I think if feminism has taught me anything is that women should always have the choice to label/name themselves whatever it is they themselves decide.

Ah that old chestnut.
Feminism isn't just about choice.
Feminism is about challenging sexism and gender inequality.
Women don't always make feminist choices and that's fine.

What's really sad about it all is people perceived my relationship as less valid because of it. People say things like, oh are you planning to get divorced.
And it's sooo rude.

People say things like, oh are you planning to get divorced.

My FIL cried and said this when he found out I would remain Ms. FirstName MySurname, rather than becoming Mrs. FirstName DHSurname.

Probably 50% of our Christmas cards are from people who incorrectly address them and I've had one or two DHInitial DHSurname. Gives me rage. My very old fashioned mother can't quite get her head around it and refers to me as "Mrs MyName MySurname" OTOH my younger sister said I was being weird and should stop getting cross about it so it's not a generational thing.

@AdventureIsWaiting are you me? My younger sister said the same 😂

Mrs Dave😁

Is it from Papa Lazarou?

@FippertyGibbett

I hate the fact that our utilities are in his name only, I pay half the bills so we should both be on. If they ever ring they will only speak to him.

I guess that would mean that you aren’t jointly responsible should anything happen, at least! I once had something similar where they decided to only use my OH’s name and when I phoned them to complain, I made it quite clear that if they wanted paying, they needed to have my name on there at the very least, as I was the one sorting out the financials!

OP I couldn’t care less if it was convention, good etiquette or my OH felt it silly, if it bothered me, I’d kick up a fuss (unless it was an old relative or something) and say I found it offensive and they were to refrain!

@TheBuffster

I had so much s* for not taking DH name I can see why people don't. The first one I was completely blindsided by was DH himself expressing shock when I said it. He's generally a feminist ally. It was saddening I had to convince him. To this day I don't think I know his true feelings on it. My job were so uncomfortable with it they pulled me into the office to ask what our (non existent at the time) children would be called. Double barrel before anyone asks. My sister outright told me I was a bad wife on my hen do My super feminist aunt told me I was being stupid. So I totally see why people on the whole change their name.

I’m afraid all that would make me stand my ground even more, but I am a bit bloody-minded! My OHs parents were once trying to find out (jokingly) if we were planning on getting married on holiday, by enquiring about what you’d do with a change of name on a passport, I said something (jokingly) along the lines of “oh, don’t you know, your son is the one changing his name to mine!”

I googled this a while ago and Google said that Mrs basically means 'wife of', so it'd be incorrect to use Mrs Ann Smith because literally it means, 'wife of Ann Smith'. So you use Mrs Thomas Smith- wife of Thomas Smith.

IDK, seems to me if you're willing to give up your identity upon marriage by changing your name you may as well go the whole hog. And I say this as someone who changed her name upon marriage.

@TopBants

I googled this a while ago and Google said that Mrs basically means 'wife of', so it'd be incorrect to use Mrs Ann Smith because literally it means, 'wife of Ann Smith'. So you use Mrs Thomas Smith- wife of Thomas Smith.

IDK, seems to me if you're willing to give up your identity upon marriage by changing your name you may as well go the whole hog. And I say this as someone who changed her name upon marriage.

Exactly this. I just don't understand the outrage about how sexist it is to say "Mrs Thomas Smith" when "Mrs [anything] Smith" is pretty sexist already.

So wrong. So out of date I think Jacob Rees-Mogg probably does not do this any more.

I absolutely love my surname. It is me, completely. I refused to subsume my name , and my husband was absolutely fine about it. So I was a Ms, with my own surname. Anyway had children and we decided my surname sounded much better, so my sons have my name. I was estranged from my own family at that point. DH's family were upset by my choice.
They continued to send cards under Mrs DH's name to me and my boys were addressed with his surname on birthday/Christmas cards, etc etc.But things have slowly changed it's taken nearly 20 years and the death of DH's mother! But my surname is now being used (on my very own birthday cards, addressed to me!!).

If you've chosen to change your surname, you still keep your own first name. It erases the identity of the person completely by referring to them as Mrs Dave Surname, not Mrs Emily Surname.

I kept my own surname and I am a Ms. So anyone calling me Mrs Dave Surname is being doubly shit by getting both my title and my surname wrong. It's disrespectful to insist on calling someone by a name that isn't even theirs. See how happy you are when it happens to you.

I don't get much post from anyone these days, but I can't remember getting anything addressed to Mrs DH, thankfully.

I did change my name, 10 years ago and for the same reason as a pp, I wanted my future kids to have the same name as me.

Despite not being divorced and happily married, I am thinking of changing my name back to my "maiden" name (hate that naming convention too!)

The kids are in the middle of primary school and I'm 20 years with my employer and I have a valid passport for another few years so I may change back after that.